The Twelve Days of Parliament

Please sing to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas
(On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… A Partridge in a Pear Tree…)

Dedicated to the dedicated MPs of the Indian Lok Sabha…

On the first day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
An Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the second day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the third day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the fourth day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the fifth day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
5 Idle Backbenchers
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the sixth day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
6 Useless Speeches
5 Idle Backbenchers
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the seventh day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
7 Meaningless Debates
6 Useless Speeches
5 Idle Backbenchers
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the eighth day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
8 Absentee Ministers
7 Meaningless Debates
6 Useless Speeches
5 Idle Backbenchers
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
1 Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the ninth day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
9 Sleeping Partymen
8 Absentee Ministers
7 Meaningless Debates
6 Useless Speeches
5 Idle Backbenchers
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the tenth day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
10 Screaming Legislators
9 Sleeping Partymen
8 Absentee Ministers
7 Meaningless Debates
6 Useless Speeches
5 Idle Backbenchers
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the eleventh day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
11 Impertinent Interruptions
10 Screaming Legislators
9 Sleeping Partymen
8 Absentee Ministers
7 Meaningless Debates
6 Useless Speeches
5 Idle Backbenchers
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

On the twelfth day of Parliament, my MPs gave to me…
12 Unpassed Bills
11 Impertinent Interruptions
10 Screaming Legislators
9 Sleeping Partymen
8 Absentee Ministers
7 Meaningless Debates
6 Useless Speeches
5 Idle Backbenchers
4 Wasted Hours
3 Lengthy Tea Breaks
2 Furious Walkouts
And an Adjournment Motion after a jolly good shouting spree…

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 9…

First Pak official: There’s a mistake here… it says “Unclear Safeguard Plan”. Shouldn’t it be “Nuclear Safeguard Plan”?
Second Official: Both spellings are correct.

Indian Official:
I cannot give a positive spin on oil prices any more.
PM: Please explain to them that in exactly the same way that I am in charge of the government and not the Congress President; the oil companies are in charge of the oil prices and not the government!

First Official: Anna Hazare, nuclear plants, Chidambaram, 2G… we need something to take the heat away from these issues…
Second Official: FDI in retail?

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 14

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
FDI.
FDI who?
F*** D Idea! Retail will be swadeshi and we will protest, stall parliament, have dharnas and the like even if we are the BJP and we had thought of exactly the same thing when we were in power!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
An’ now another fast is on the cards in December. After August Kranti, will we have a December Dhamaka or a Damp Squib?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Windies.
Windies who?
Win these close ones on a regular basis Team India and we’ll all have a regular case of nerves.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
NATO.
NATO who?
Na to your apology says Pakistan over the deathly strike!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

In August, Anna had said… I’ll be back…

After the Fellowship of the Team Anna and The Two Fasts, we are looking at the Return of the Hunger King in December when Mr Hazare Goes to Delhi (the Sin City) to complete the Lord of the Fastings trilogy. But will Anna show True Grit and be The Rock or will he simply continue to call the government Liar Liar? The Congress on its part will look at Team Anna and say Look Who’s Talking!, continuing to call it the Enemy of the State.

What Lies Beneath the news? There will no point in Switching Channels as all of them will show the same ole Fight Club and The Social Network will be abuzz again with activity. The common man, meanwhile, is increasingly bent on showing his Fist of Fury.

But still, The Tihar Redemption looks unlikely and the UPA won’t rely on Transformers or go in for a new Avatar. It’s all badly Tangled:  The UPA could well sink like the Titanic The Day After Tomorrow in 2012. So all in all it does appear a Mission: Impossible.

India is all about Eat Pray Love? Come December and it could well only be Fast Swear Hate.

Bonus…

More Hollywood ways of looking at the April-August-December (if it takes place) fasts…

The Anna Identity. The Anna Supremacy. The Anna Ultimatum. (Bourne)

Anna. Anna Reloaded. Anna Revolutions. (Matrix)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Why this Kolaveri (me)Di(ocrity)?

Why this Kolaveri Kolaveri (me)Di(ocrity)?
Why this Kolaveri downright (me)Di(ocrity)?
In the glorious land of Ilaiyaraaja and Rehman, why this monstrosity?
What if this dude was not from Rajni Sir’s family—but from anonymity?
Would he still have got this same nationwide acceptability?
Anyway, forget it… I know I’m just in a miniscule minority…

White skin-u, girl-u with black heart-u very politically correct-u I tell-u,
Indian music-u future really dark-u, going in reverse-u, in total soup-u,
What a beautiful-u storm-u in a tea-cup-u!
Or maybe the whole country is drunk-u on scotch-u,
Welcome to cyberspace-u, just be really good-u or be atrociously bad-u,
And you can as well-u get-u ten million hits-u,
Just like Rebecca Black and her Friday with her 167 million hits-u…

This Faalt-u Spoof-u by Sunil Rajgur-u

News in Limericks 6

There was this fearless journalist in Iraq,
Who hurled a shoe at a US Presidential chap,
It inspired attacks on Jindal, Chiddu and Yeddy,
Then on Advani, Omar, Kalmadi and Dwivedi,
And now shoeing has morphed into one tight slap!

There were these people Waiting for the God,
To complete the most divinest cricketing plot,
Then it went amiss and came many a miss,
Heartbreakingly in the 90s a bowler did dismiss,
And now it looks like we’re Waiting for Godot!

There was this terrorist called Kasab,
Who in Indian jails had many a kebab,
The demands never stopped,
And endless days got docked,
Aur ab us par paise kharch karne ka na koi hisaab!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

With allies like these…

Pakistan is the drug addict. America is the drug.
Pak knows that the US is destroying it, but can’t do without it.
Or…
America is the drug addict. Pakistan is the drug.
The US knows that Pak is destroying it, but can’t do without it.
Whatever!

The US-Pak Barney song

Please sing to the tune of Barney

I hate you,
You hate me,
We’re an alleged happy family,
With a great big deception,
And a threat from me to you,
Won’t you say you hate me too?

An old one…
US-Pak ties are like a terribly failed marriage where both parties are petrified of divorce.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Sachin Tendulkar “99To100 Era”…

So much time is passing between Sachin’s 99 and 100th international century, that we can now officially call it the “99To100 Era”.

Let’s take a look at the earth-shattering events have already taken place in this Era so far…

India wins World Cup after 28 years… Osama finally captured and killed… Gaddafi toppled and killed after 42 years… Left rule ends in West Bengal after 34 years… Anna Hazare Lokpal Revolution… Djokovic becomes No. 1 to end Federer-Nadal Era … F1 comes to India… Amitabh becomes grandfather… Will-Kat wedding… Indian bowler takes fiver and scores century in Test after 40 years… The following people pass away… Sathya Sai Baba, Steve Jobs, MAK Pataudi, Jagjit Singh, Bhupen Hazarika, Shammi Kapoor, Joe Frazier, MF Hussain, Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, Suresh Tendulkar…

Sachin Mahashatak Misses #16 & #17
Fact of the day: There have been close to 75 international centuries after Sachin Tendulkar scored his 99th international century.
Thought of the day: Will Sachin at least hit the world’s 100th international century after his own 99th?

Sidelight of India-West Indies Third Test at Wankhede Stadium:

The amazing consistency of R Ashwin…
Day 4: Hum match haar rahe hain!
Ashwin: Don’t worry main draw karata hu…
Day 5: Hum match jeet rahe hain!
Ashwin: Don’t worry main draw karata hu…

© Sunil Rajguru

The Facebook Ilu Ilu song…

Please read to the tune of the song Ilu Ilu from the film Saudagar

Ilu…
Ilu ilu…
Ye ilu ilu kya hai yeh ilu ilu,
Jab
news feed main koi status message aaya to dost ne kaha,
Ilu ilu… ilu ilu…
Picture dekh ke aaya dher saara maja, to bola ye samaa,
Ilu ilu… ilu ilu…
Jab koi
virtual cheez achhi lagti hai, badi pyaari pyaari lagti hai,
To dost
click karta hai,
Ilu ilu… ilu ilu…
Ye ilu ilu kya hai ye ilu ilu,
Ilu ka matlab
I l you, I l you,
Ilu ka matlab I like you, I like you,
Hey I like your status, I like your pix, I like your comment…

Ilu…
Ilu ilu…
Ye ilu ilu kya hai ye ilu ilu,
Jab meethe
status koi lagaye misri ki meesri ki meethi daliyon se,
Jab mast baharon ka mausam ka koi
picture lagaye,
Jab
link se aaye koi gyaan guru,
To dost
click karta hai,
Ilu ilu… ilu ilu…
Ye ilu ilu kya hai ye ilu ilu,
Ilu ka matlab
I l you, I l you,
Ilu ka matlab I like you, I like you,
Hey I like your status, I like your pix, I like your comment…

(Original song: Ilu Ilu.
Film: Saudagar.
Year: 1991.)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

The A to Z of Chak de India…

Every Indian citizen has his own Chak de India type of slogan to go along with his or her life…

Ask de India: The RTI activist: Asking a lot of questions. Getting some answers. Creating a lot of scams!

Buck de India: Your average Indian government official asking you for a bribe.

Chuck de India: What you feel like doing at times: Simply emigrating.

Dhak de India: Hide all the dirt and poverty and everything will be fine!

EMI ek ek karke de India: How the housing car and electronics industries are booming.

F1 de India: Asking for the moon and getting it! One of the world’s most expensive sports comes to (not so poor) Uttar Pradesh.

Geek de India: What the rest of the I-T world is asking of us.

Haq de India: The common harassed citizen always asking for his rights. A more potent form of this is Saadda Haq de India.

Ishq de India: Are we a nation starved of love?

Jhak de India: Sab Jhak hi to maarte rahate hai!

Khan de India: Whether it’s SRK, Salman or Aamir, Bollywood can’t do without any of them.

Luck de India: We are a nation that still believes in fate.

Music de India: Whether it’s Bollywood, award shows, talent hunts, school programmes… India just can’t seem to do without music.

Newsbreak de India: What all the news channels want 24X7.

Overtake de India: The slogan of all Indian roads, everyone wants to get ahead no matter what.

Puke de India: What some foreigners feel like doing when they visit some of the dirtier zones of the country.

Quick de India: Everyone is in a tearing hurry, but still things happen slowly.

Rs 32 prati din de India: Our wise men at the top think that only this much is enough to be “unpoor”.

Sachin de India: No matter how many records he makes, runs and centuries he scores, media coverage he gets, people still want more…

Thrash de India: What everyone wants to do to politicians nowadays.

Up de India: The government’s apparent slogan. Inflation, petrol prices, vegetable rates… everything seems to be going up.

Vote de India: The politician’s perpetual war cry.

Work de India: There is still a good number of unemployed in the land.

XXX de India: One of the most prudish nations of the world experiencing a sexual revolution?

Youth de India: Most of the posts are held by old fogies, when will the young take over? (No, we are not referring to Rahul Gandhi!)

Zzzzzz de India: In a developing and growing economy, everyone is overworked, stressed and starved of sleep.

© Sunil Rajguru

Sachin Mahashatak in Hollywood titles

Damn99! … How Rampaul Stole the Mahashatak … The Day the Stadium Stood Still … Players of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Mahashatak … Close Encounters of the 99 Kind … Mission: Impossible 100 … Transformers: Turning 99 into 100 … The Lost World: Century Park … SRT and the Last Century Crusade … 99 is Not Enough … Catch the Mahashatak if You Can … Gone in 1 Ball … District 99… Mahashatak Wars: The Bowler Strikes Back … Dr. Shataklove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the 99th Century … Dial 100 for Nirvana …

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Some Sachin Mahashatak musings…

∙ There’s many a slip between the 99th and 100th century.

∙ Like the Y2K problem, this is the 0.1K problem.
No-one has ever scored 100 international centuries so the counter keeps going to 00 after 99!
Someone up there better fix that counter fast!

∙ Here’s one record that Tendulkar will absolutely hate.
He’s already scored a quarter-century of international 90s.

∙ The Darren Sammy Catch had much more sting than the Sharad Pawar Slap.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru