Bollywood: Khan, Khaner and Khanest!

converse-1935024_640Box office…
SRK Big. Salman Bigger. Aamir Biggest.

Fan power…
Aamir Big. SRK Bigger. Salman Biggest.

Scope of heroine in the film…
Aamir Small. SRK Smaller. Salman Smallest.

Lack of logic in films…
Aamir Big. SRK Bigger. Salman Biggest.

Hype of the three Khans…
Aamir Big. SRK Bigger. Salman Biggest.

Age of the hero…
SRK Young. Aamir Younger. Salman Youngest.

© Sunil Rajguru

Dangal Baahubali musings…

film-2233656_6402017 beginning, zero Indian movies in Global 1000 box office list.
Now both Baahubali 2 and Dangal in Top 500.

Dangal made Rs 1000 crore in China.
Baahubali 2 is planning a big China launch.
Tubelight heroine is the Chinese Zhu Zhu.
2017 Bollywood’s year of “Hindi Chini” bhai bhai?

All time blockbuster Indian movie.
Hindi: Baahubali 2.
India: Baahubali 2.
US: Baahubali 2.
China: Dangal.
Worldwide: Dangal (Till Baahubali 2 is released in China).

Dangal joins the ¥1 Billion Club in China.
(That’s in the region of Rs 1000 crore)
P.S. Baahubali 2 releasing soon in China.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The A to Z of Shah Rukh Khan controversies

shahrukh-khan-2380411_640A for Amitabh Bachchan

One is the Shahenshah and one is the Badshaah. And of course, it’s impossible for them to get along. Or so the grapevine would have us believe. There’s a cold war that keeps brewing and we keep getting the details. One such was when Jaya Bachchan called Happy New Year a nonsensical film and that got SRK mad and Amitabh had to apologize.

A is also for Abhijeet who once declared that he wouldn’t sing for SRK ever again as he didn’t get enough respect to him. You could say that Abhijeet’s playback career got cut short after that. He only came back in the limelight when he became a strong supporter of Prime Minister Narendra Modi on Twitter.

barber-2165745_640B for Billu Barber

This one defied logic. If the hero of a movie is called Billu and is a barber, then what else can one call the movie? But barbers of the world (or rather India) found it derogatory and the film had to be renamed to Billu.

C for Chalte Chalte

It was reported that due to a fracas between Aishwarya Rai and Salman Khan on the sets of the film, the former was sacked from the movie and replaced with Rani Mukerji. Years later SRK wasn’t invited to the marriage of Aishwarya at the Amitabh household.

D for Dilwale

This comes straight after I for Intolerance. SRK got into the whole #AwardWapsi controversy and Twitter started trending #BoycottDilwale. SRK pleaded T for Tolerance before the movie but the damage was done. People protested with banners and continued the campaign. One trade analyst said the film made losses to the tune of Rs 50-60 crores for distributors and hence could be called his biggest flop ever.

That set SRK back, but the flop of Fan hurt him even more. Thanks to all this, the release of Raees was pushed from Eid 2016 to Republic Day 2017. With Raees having Pakistani Mahira Khan, it could still release to a major controversy.

Shah Rukh Khan’s career is now officially over

How SRK and Dilwale got punished for Aamir over intolerance

Why SRK’s Fan and Raees will suffer like Dilwale

Does Shah Rukh Khan want Bollywood to boycott him?

D is also for Deepa Sahi. Remember Maya Memsaab in 1993? That had generated a lot of controversy over the sexually explicit content. The censor board cut some scenes, which made their way to YouTube years later.

E for the Eyes of Amar Singh

At an awards show, SRK joked that he saw “darindagi” (evil) in erstwhile Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh’s eyes. Amitabh was miffed and SP partymen agitated in front of SRK’s home.

F for Farah Khan

When Farah decided to do her 3rd movie without SRK, all manner of reports came of a split between the two. The superstar later clarified that it was a date problem and nothing else. Since then SRK and Farah Khan have patched up and made Happy New Year. However then Jaya called the film nonsensical.

F is also for foetal test. A report appeared that SRK and Gauri went in for a foetal sex test during pregnancy and there was even a probe into those allegations!

G for Gay

The SRK-Saif Ali Khan gay act in Kal Ho Na Ho was a big hit and the acting continued well into award shows. That led some people to spread rumours that he was gay in the first place. To be fair, the duo sportingly carried on this theme while hosting a film award show.

H for Hosting film award shows

When the King Khan hosts a film award, then it can’t be normal. At the Filmfare awards, he and Saif took potshots at everyone: critics, the film industry, themselves… Not everyone was amused though.

H is also for Pakistani terrorist Pakistani Hafiz who invited SRK to Pakistan after a controversial write-up in Outlook magazine. Declared SRK: I sometimes become the inadvertent object of political leaders who choose to make me a symbol of all that they think is wrong and unpatriotic about Muslims in India. I have been accused of bearing allegiance to our neighbouring nation rather than my own country.

I for IPL

After failing to get Mumbai, SRK landed with Kolkata in his kitty. Since then it was been trouble with Dada Sourav Ganguly, coach John Buchanan, irate fans, bottom of the table performances, Pak players controversy and initially they didn’t even reach the semis. G is also for (Sunil) Gavaskar. This is what the cricketing legend had to say about Buchanan: A failed former cricketer making a living telling international players to do what he couldn’t do. Needless to say SRK wasn’t amused. Since then KKR has won the IPL twice, though winning captain Gautam Gambhir soon found himself out of the national team.

J for Junk Food Actors

burger-2167270_640In the 1990s, he once made certain remarks about “junk food actors” which allegedly referred to action stars Akshay Kumar and Sunil Shetty. The comments were subsequently totally denied and everything was fine between the three.

K for Khan Wars

It is impossible for the Three Big Khans to get along. Bollywood is simply too small for Salman, Aamir and SRK. Either they are not on talking terms or are cold to each other at parties and meets. Aamir even once got into the mood and questioned SRK’s No. 1 status followed by the below-the-belt comment on his blog that a dog called Shah Rukh was licking his legs. The love-hate relationship between the three Khans continues. There was that famous SRK-Salman hug though.

Then there’s the Chalte Chalte controversy as mentioned above and there was also supposed to be another confrontation between the two at Katrina Kaif’s birthday party.

K is also for Kunder as it was alleged that SRK slapped Farah Khan’s husband Shirish Kunder at a Bollywood party. Kunder even Tweeted making fun of the fortunes of Ra.One saying, “I just heard a 150 cr firework fizzle”. Since then after a lot of apologies, SRK and Farah got together for Happy New Year.

L for Lux Cozi

Lux Cozi sponsored Kolkata Knight Riders. Lux Cozi promoter was charged with the abetment of suicide of Rizwanur Rahman. And the deal got promptly frozen, even though the ads kept coming on TV long after the press conference where the announcement was made.

M for My Name is Khan

One of the biggest controversies in recent times. The Shiv Sena. The MNS. The Maharashtra government. Everyone seemed to have got involved. The film got released amidst unprecedented security and SRK is still clueless on what exactly happened and why it happened. (The Thackerays said they were protesting SRK batting for Pakistani players in the IPL.) What the Shiv Sena did for MNIK, the MNS is hoping to do for Raees.

N for Newark Airport

newark-2021159_640SRK was detained Newark Airport in the US for more than an hour “Because His Name Was Khan”. While SRK kicked up a racket, his detractors found the plot too eerily similar to the movie he was shooting for.

O for Om Shanti Om

While this movie opened to bumper full house without any problems, thespian Manoj Kumar made a big fuss about how his character was portrayed negatively and wanted an apology plus the scenes being cut.

P for Priyanka Chopra

priyanka-chopra-1748203_640SRK has a great personal life and usually stays out of the news for the wrong reasons, but he was once linked to Piggy Chops and the Bollywood grapevine had a gala time. P for is also for parties. There’s something always happening at Bollywood parties.

Q for Quiz Shows

Why did SRK take up Kaun Banega Crorepati? To prove a point to Amitabh? Was Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain a washout? Why did SRK host a college quiz?

R for Ra.One

No SRK movie has come in for so much flak over its story line and penchant for offending a whole host of communities. Panned by the critics, this movie raked in the moolah for SRK but still wasn’t the blockbuster it was made out to be.

An Open Letter to Shahrukh Khan regarding Ra.One

R for is also for Rab Ne Banadi Jodi. During the shooting of this movie, it is alleged that SRK smoked on the premises of a “No Smoking” Sikh college in Amritsar. SRK was also caught smoking in the Sawai Mansingh Stadium in Jaipur during an IPL match and a case was filed against him.

S for Scanner

baggage-hall-775540_640Heathrow airport proudly introduced body scanners that would tighten security. However people claimed to have saved and distributed images of SRK’s body, leading to an outcry by privacy groups.

T for Trimurti

This was one of the major box office debacles of the mid-nineties and director Mukul Anand and producer Subash Ghai traded barbs on who was responsible. Fingers were also pointed at the performances of Anil Kapoor and Jackie Shroff and this was one of the few controversies SRK quietly walked away from.

U for United Producers and Distributors Association Forum

Being a producer himself, SRK was thick in the middle of the 2009 Bollywood producers’ strike. Initially the TV channels just focused on rivals SRK and Aamir coming on one platform.

W for Whiteness Creams

While stars and cricketers have got flak for endorsing any and every product they can get their hands on, SRK got maximum flak for selling a skin whitening cream—and that too for men!

7 reasons Indians are the most racist in the world

W is also for Wankhede Stadium. A grand fracas after a match (that KKR won!) led to SRK being banned from the stadium.

The badshaah of Bollywood extends his domain

X for Xerox

printer-29111_640A Xerox of Dilip Kumar. A copy of Amitabh. That’s how his acting was described when he started out his career. Then there was that hamming label. That way, he has come a long way with his performances in Swades, Chak De India and MNIK.

Y for Yale University

yale-university-1604157_640On his way to give a speech in Yale, SRK was again detained by airport security yet again in 2012. Then it was third time unlucky in Los Angeles in 2016.

His name is Shah Rukh Khan and US won’t (ever) stop detaining him

Y for is also for Yash Chopra. While SRK and the Chopras have shared an excellent relationship, the very first movie Darr had Sunny Deol crying foul over the way his role was cut to size and the ending was shot and edited without him being taken into confidence. The media reported that they didn’t talk for years after that.

Z for Zaara, the Pakistani girl

When Veer-Zaara was released, Pakistan President General Pervez Musharraf was very upset with the negative portrayal of Pakistan. Luckily, that did not escalate into anything nasty.

© Sunil Rajguru

(First version posted on February 24, 2010 and has been updated multiple times)

Also read…

King Khan: A king for debut directors, too!

Shah Rukh Khan’s career through trilogies…

Major Shahrukh Khan versus ACP Pradyuman

Neither Big B nor SRK: Can Incredible India think beyond film stars?

The very versatile Mr Akshay Kumar…

Bollywood superstar has played a really wide variety of on screen roles.
Just check them out…

God (OMG – Oh My God!)

Gigolo (Desi Boyz)

Sexually harassed victim (Aitraaz)

Blind robber (Aankhen)

Counter terrorism expert (Baby, Holiday: A Soldier Is Never Off Duty)

Mixed martial artist (Brothers)

International wrestler (Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi)

Heist specialist (Special 26)

Dissociative Identity Disorder (Housefull 3)

Psychiatrist treating Dissociative Identity Disorder patient (Bhool Bhulaiyaa)

Manservant (De Dana Dan)

Vegetable cutter (Chandni Chowk to China)

Don (Once Upon ay Time in Mumbai Dobaara!, International Khiladi)

Businessman vigilante (Boss)

Ageing international cricketer (Patiala House)

Panauti (Housefull)

Auto rickshaw driver (Insan)

Sikh (Singh is King, Singh is Bliing)

Saviour businessman (Airlift)

Evil scientist (2.0)

Corruption crusader (Gabbar is Back)

Corrupt constructor (Khatta Meetha)

Tainted naval officer (Rustom)

Army officer (Sainik, Ab Tumhare Hawale Watan Saathiyo)

Private detective (Thank You)

International con man (Tees Maar Khan)

Hollywood stuntman (Kambakkht Ishq)

With supernatural powers (8 x 10 Tasveer)

Nerd (Jaan-E-Mann)

Automobile engineer (Humko Deewana Kar Gaye)

Pilot (Aarzoo)

Impersonator (Aflatoon)

Most repetitive…
Police officer (Khakee, Main Khiladi Tu Anari, Mohra, Khiladi 786, Aan: Men at Work, Police Force: An Inside Story, Daava, Insaaf, Paandav, Tarazu, Angaaray, Meri Biwi Ka Jawaab Nahin, Ashaant, Mr Bond)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#UdtaPunjab musings…

Shahid Kapoor visited Punjab as a squeaky clean kid in 2007 (Jab We Met) but returned as a hardened drug addict in 2016 (‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬).

Punjab Problem (Udta Punjab)
Kashmir Problem (Haider)
Mumbai Riots, Kargil, 9/11, Godhra (Mausam)
Match-fixing, drugs (Kaminey)
Education problem (Paathshaala)

#‎UdtaPunjab‬ is a catchy name and a catchier hashtag.
Multiple Twitterstorms were inevitable.

“Adult with Caution” films at red light areas!
What next?
Red Light Mall Multiplexes?

Superheroes, aliens and spaceships are more real, believable and relevant than drugs, sex and nudity—hence we’ll pass the former.

Fact is stranger than fiction.
Fiction can’t be based on strange facts.
—Censor Board.

Drug problem is there.
India is corrupt and racist.
Gays are in large numbers.
Sex exists.
So, reality can’t be shown in fiction?

Censor board: Please replace Punjab with a fictitious land.
(The problem is that their image of Punjab itself is fictitious!)

Anurag Kashyap now has the unique record of having a film banned under Vajpayee, MMS and Modi.
Guess which made most noise?
‪#‎Paanch‬ ‪#‎BlackFriday‬ ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬

Shahid Kapoor
+ Kareena Kapoor
+ Alia Bhatt
+ Anurag Kashyap
+ Ekta Kapoor
+ Diljit Dosanjh
thrash Pahlaj Nihalani

The fact.
Every Censor Board since Independence has sucked.
The spin.
It started with Nihalani.
Modi hired Nihalani.
It’s Modi’s fault.

Gokul Shankar banned under Nehru.
Aandhi banned under Indira.
Pati Parmeshwar banned under Rajiv.
Black Friday banned under MMS.
Stop behaving as if it’s something new!

Time is right to make a film on the crazy chain of events in the ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ controversy.

Too many jokers are supporting ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ for all the wrong reasons.

Kejriwal is unhappy.
He doesn’t get a chance to waste an evening and review ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ for his Punjab voters.
Hence the attacks.

Above an “A” certification, just put a “Danger” certification and just go ahead and release the film as it is!

Censor Board was formed under Nehru.
It had a non-filmi ignoramus under Manmohan.
It has always been a problem.
But now it is finally being revamped under Shyam Benegal.

2004: ‪#‎AnuragKashyap‬’s Black Friday ready for release.
2007: Finally released by SC after censor ban.
2016: Delay in ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ makes India North Korea.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian filmi musings…

Very soon we will need an underground film circuit where films can be screened without censor interference.
‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ to ‪#‎NahinUdtaPunjab‬

2016 in a parallel universe for India domestic Box Office…
Hollywood film No. 1 nearing 200 crore ‪#‎JungleBook‬
Film on Gulf War second biggest hit ‪#‎Airlift‬
SRK film couldn’t even do 100 crore ‪#‎Fan‬
Sonam acted well for realistic superhit ‪#‎Neerja‬

Think it over…
A film starring Kareena Kapoor, Diljit Dosanjh, Shahid Kapoor and Alia Bhatt has been banned.
‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ to ‪#‎NahinUdtaPunjab‬

Maybe India’s censor board itself should be permanently censored.
‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ to ‪#‎NahinUdtaPunjab‬

Shouldn’t the hashtag be ‪#‎NahinUdtaPunjab‬ instead of ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

April 2016 Status Updates

Top 3 films by Box Office in 2016 so far…
3rd: SRK film.
2nd: Akshay film.
1st: Chaddi pahan ke phool khila hai…

(April 24)

Domestically a superstar just needs half his film’s cost from domestic Box Office.
Rest will come from global BO, TV, music, promotional etc rights for a tidy profit.

(April 22)

1947-58: Democracy.
1958-71: Dictatorship.
1971-78: Democracy.
1978-88: Dictatorship.
1988-99: Democracy.
1999-2008: Dictatorship.
2008-__: Democracy.
Coup inevitable before 2020?

(April 21)

Film reviews of Bollywood superstars…
Great/very good/good/average = 5 stars.
Below average/bad/pathetic = 4 stars.
All time disaster = 3 stars.

(April 20)

Raina means night.
That’s why he performs well in Day-Night matches and especially IPL.
That’s why he was a flop in Tests, which is played only in the day.

(April 10)

Kanhaiya must be commended for coming out with a huge “Bharat Mata Ki Jai” revolution all across India.

(April 8)

Pakistan in 2016 says peace process with India is now suspended.
It suspended the peace process in 1947 itself immediately after being born.

J&K Dy CM to NIT students…
In order to check whether your security is adequate or not, I cannot come because my security is not adequate.

A movie on the political situation of Bihar would be called Jungle (Raj) Book and it would get an A certification.

(April 7)

They don’t need bread. Let them go eat cake!
They don’t need fan. Let them go have AC!

(April 5)

Militarily, Pakistan was the most powerful Muslim nation in the world.
It severely weakened itself by attacking India non-stop for no valid reason.

(April 2)

The vicious American War Cycle…
Democrats create conditions for war.
Republicans go to war.

2012 US Prez polls: Candidate with most Twitter followers won.
2014 India PM polls: Candidate with most Twitter followers won.
2015 UK PM polls: Candidate with most Twitter followers won.
2016 US Prez polls: Trump has the most Twitter followers.

(April 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Bollywood Rs 100 crore club musings…

Worst SRK movie I’ve seen is Ra.One.
It did Rs 115 crores.
Worst Salman movie I’ve seen is Dabangg 2.
Rs 155 crores.
I am totally out of sync with modern India.

Shitty film?
Don’t worry.
Dher saara publishitty hai na!

My strange news feed…
80% Status Messages praise film: Rs 40 crore at box office.
50-50 verdict: Rs 80 crore.
90% royally trash film: Rs 150 crore!

1 Bollywood Superstar
+ 1 Publicity blitzkrieg
+ 1 Weekend
= Rs 100 crores.
(Story, logic aur quality gaya tel lene)

1st Weekend: Superstar hai. Accha hi hoga. Dekhte hai. Bam! 100 crores.
2nd weekend: 100 crore movie hai. Accha hi hoga. Dekhte hai. Bam! 50 more crores.
TV pe dekhi hi lete hai free main, music sun hi lete hai. Bam! 50 more crores.

2007: Sattar minute main World Cup jeet lo!
2013: Sattar ghante main Rs 100 Crore Club jeet lo!

Films are getting shittier and shittier and making more and more money.
Are we viewers getting dumber or are producers getting smarter?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Bollywood style musings…

Imagine all the Bollywood movies you’ve watched in your life.
Now imagine none of the heroes exist, but all the villains do.
Welcome to India!

Since it’s called Krrish 3, the original Krrish becomes the first movie to be retrospectively called its own sequel while Koi… Mil Gaya becomes Krrish 1 even though no Krissh exists in the entire movie.
So am I!

One in ten people in the world have probably seen a Bollywood shoot by now.

Looking at politics, films and business in India, anyone can be a politician, Bollywood star or industrialist.
You just have to be born in the right family.

Chennai Express hasn’t even been released and already there are so many memes, spoofs, jokes and comments blasting it!

Today any Bollywood superstar could pretend to make a movie, con the industry into buying rights etc and flee the country with Rs 200 crores in his pocket just like that.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

General filmi musings…

∙ If Mahesh Bhatt makes a romantic autobiographical film, will he call it Mohabhatt?

∙ Katrina Kaif is starring in the Indian version of Mission: Impossible.
Her Mission? To Act!

∙ Emraan Hashmi should just change his name to Emraan Kissme.
(And is his theme song… Don’t talk just kiss… ?)

∙ If Vidya means education, then does Vidya Balan now mean sex education?

© Sunil Rajguru

Slapgate in Bollywood dialogues…

Karma (1986)
Sharad Pawar ko pahali baar kisi ne thappad maara hai, first time. Is thappad ki goonj suni tumne? Ab is goonj ki goonj tumhe sunai degi aur dikhai degi, jab tak TV channels chalte rahenga tab tak dikhai degi, sunai dega 24X7… ye thappad bhoolega kabhi nahi na ye desh na ye TV channels aur na ye viewers…

Dabangg (2010)
Thappad se dar nahin lagta hain sahab… actually thappad se hi dar lagta hain sahab!

Post script…
Tired of incidents of shoe and slipper throwing, someone decided, “Apna haath, Jagannath.”

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Dealdaara dealdaara …

SRK is not the Dildaara of Ra.One, but the “Deal”daara of the real world and just seems want money, not the viewer, to Stand by him… After many years he has made enough money to fill his coffers thanks to hype and multiple deals…
Please read to the tune of Dildaara (Stand By Me)

When the kadki has come,
When the kadki has come,
Then the money coffers are dark,
And the moolah is the only light,
And the moolah is the only light,
We will see… Darling money, darling money…

O paisa O paisa, mera pyaara paisa,
O… poori hai dua, ab kuch bhi…
To ant nahin, tujhe pa ke lage…
Muqammal hai khuda.

O paisa O paisa, mera pyaara paisa,
O… tere naam sa… ab koi… bhi lafz nahi…
Ra.One ko dekhe… Sau crore log sau dafa.

Dealdaara dealdaara … Ye rati bhar ka talent bhala,
Dealdaara dealdaara …Ye movie ho superhit sabse bada…

O… Dealdaara dealdaara … Main jeeta bhale hi viewer haara,
Dealdaara dealdaara …
Darling money, darling money, Stand By me…
Come on and stand… Stand by me…

O box office ka khuda, yaane ki mere khuda,
O… tujhse hi hai vastha (and the moolah is the only light)
Tu… manzil… hai aur tu hi uss manzil ki…
Aage ka rasta (The sequel will come when the money coffers are dark)

Dealdaara dealdaara …
Tere 3D nazaro se mila extra paisa (Now the money coffers are no longer dark)
O… Dealdaara dealdaara …
Main jeeta bhale hi viewer haara (Now the money coffers are no longer dark)

Darling money, darling money… Stand by me…
Won’t you stand… stand by me…

(Original Song: Dildaara (Stand By Me)
Film: Ra.One.
Year: 2011)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru