Pappu kabhi nahin paas hoga musings

The Congress has been severely downgraded thanks to #DemonetizaSON.
#Pappu

My speech will cause an earthquake: Pappu.
True.
Imagine crores of Indians watching and rolling on the floor with laughter at the same time.

Dear Pappu,
What are you doing?
You are too late for 2014.
And too early for 2019.

Dear Pappu,
Since 2004 there have been 1000+ Indian MPs.
You are not even in the Top 100.
Who cares whether you speak or not in Parliament!

Read my lips—no new taxes.
Bush—1988.
Thrashed in 1992.
Read my lips—The PM is personally terrified with the info I have.
Pappu—2016.
What to say to “already thrashed guy”?

Pappu,
You claim that your speech can cause an earthquake.
Well, Modi’s one word is enough to cause an earthquake.
“Mitron!”

Pappu ka earthquake aa ke chala bhi gaya.
Bahut bahut bada tha.
Par woh escape velocity ke saath chala gaya aur Jupiter pe hua.

If Pappu was an editor, he would release ads throughout the year saying…
Sensational scoop coming next year!

#PappuzWorld
Bofors = Development.
2G = Development.
Coalgate = Development.
#NationalHerald = Development.
#Demonetization = Greatest scam ever!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The UPA scams just go on and on…

Economic Reforms.
1. Rao.
2. Vajpayee.
3. Modi.
That’s it.
Manmohan was merely initially Rao’s assistant and then Sonia’s.

Axis Bank in the news for all the wrong reasons post #Demonetization.
Fun fact of the day…
Manmohan inaugurated the first Axis Bank then UTI Bank) in 1994.

Father of Acidic Reforms. (Spoilt politics)
Father of Uneconomic Reforms. (Corruption)
#Manmohan
Anything but Father of Economic Reforms—That was Rao.

Father of Bionic Reforms. (Robot)
Father of Anaemic Reforms. (Low energy)
#Manmohan
Anything but Father of Economic Reforms—That was Rao.

Manmohan Singh is 84.
And he still has to dance to Madam’s tunes.
Ghulam till I die!

Aam aadmi = Lakhpati.
Middle class = Crorepati.
Trader = Arabpati (100 crores).
Industrialist = Kharabpati (10,000 crores).
All scamsters = Neelpati (10 lakh crores).

Manmohan.
Coal Minister innocent in Coalgate.
Economic whiz innocent in 2G.
Guess he’s snow white despite signing AgustaWestland files.

Deve Gowda was the Humble Farmer.
Manmohan Singh was the Fumble Harmer.

To think that Sonia and Manmohan knew absolutely nothing of all the umpteen scams that took place during UPA rule is the height of naivety.

100 scams under Sonia’s UPA—They leave her totally alone. Totally.
Any move Modi makes big or small—Go batshit crazy & attack: Sparta!!!

UPA did 0/10 things.
No outrage for first 7-8 years.
Modi does 5/10 things.
A. He’s doing these 5 things wrong.
B. Why isn’t he doing the other 5 things?

Sonia’s UPA did scam upon scam and no-one attacked her, investigated her or went after her.
Modi’s every bold positive move is attacked viciously.

With the way he’s blabbing non-stop, looks like the P in P Chidambaram stands for Pappu.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

To err is for Modi Haters, to forgive them is liberal

Right now there’s a royal battle brewing between Pappu, Kejri and Mamata to see who can end up as the worst politician of 2016.

The IQ of Indian politics was as it is low.
Kejri and his merry men brought it down even further!

After Modi became CM in 2001, he has been doing the same things with the same results.
After Manmohan won 2009, even Pappu has been doing the same things with the same results.

How many died after law and order breakdown thanks to Lalu, Mamata and Akhilesh coming in Bihar, WB and UP.
Or it doesn’t matter as they’re Modi haters?

Kejri: How was your day?
Pappu: Great! Hurled my 1000th baseless allegation against Modi and 100th resignation demand.
Kejri: I think I’m ahead of you!
#RameshSuresh

If you think Kejri-Jung was highly controversial then what will happen if Kiran Bedi becomes the new Lieutenant-Governor of New Delhi!
#ChooMantarJantarMantar

Lalu destroyed Bihar.
Got 5 more years.
Destroyed again.
5 more.
Again.
5 more.
Mamata destroyed West Bengal.
Got 5 more years.
Destroying again…

Kejri and Mamata playing a game of “Dumb and Dumber”.

Congress gets attacked (always belatedly) because it does scams.
Modi gets attacked (always 24X7) because he tries to stop scams.

Modi has won all his personal political battles from 2001.
Do you think he doesn’t have many tricks up his sleeve till 2019?

Modi is patiently waiting for the Rajya Sabha to come under his control.
#VicePresidentialElections
Disruptions will then come to an end.

Poriborton = Pori-bartan.
Bartan = vessel, as in…
Empty vessels make most noise.

Maybe Mamata identifies herself so much with the Bangladeshis that she sees the “Indian” Army as the “foreign” hand.

West Bengal governance. Congress—Bad. (Till 1977) CPM—Worse. (1977-2011) TMC—Worst. (2011-__)

Mamata-Akhilesh-Kejri—The Bermuda Triangle of governance (it disappears). Since Lalu is ruling by proxy, make it the Bermuda Quadrilateral.Those who can govern, do it.

Those who can’t, do nautanki. #Kejri #Mamata #Lalu

Military coup = If Army chief overthrows Prime Minister. Mamata’s definition = I can see soldiers from my Secretariat window!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#VideshiLiberal musings

Social Media is now the Fourth Estate.
Mainstream Media is the Fifth Column.

Some benefit from the Industrial Revolution and praise it.
Others benefit from the Industrial Revolution and praise the Communist Revolution.
Former are called the Right.
The latter are called the Left.

Capitalism has a lot of sins.
But Communism has no virtues.

If you attack anyone viciously 24X7, you certainly can’t accuse him of being a Fascist dictator suppressing free speech.
#Modi #Trump

The day Communism collapses in China like USSR 1991 is the day the gigantic pack of cards of its economy will crash down in that country.

UK Labour just came fourth in a bye election.
Happened to Indian Congress yesterday.
Happening to UK Labour today.
Will happen to US Democrats tomorrow.
#LeftDecline

2013: Modi can’t get 272.
2015: Trump can’t get 270.
2016: One is Time Person of the Year and the other is the Popular Choice for the same.

Obama was Time Person of the Year.
But then, so was Hitler!
(See how easy that was?)

#PresidentTrump
#EPAChiefPruitt
Basically all current alarmist global climate scientists can take a long walk to oblivion now.

When Modi tells the truth…
Media: It could be a lie?
When Modi Haters tells a lie…
Media: It could be the truth?
#Propaganda
(Can replace Modi with Trump)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The absolutely never-ending #Demonetisation musings…

Chhota bhai: Aaj mere paas credit card hai, debit card hai, netbanking hai, PayTM hai, Rupay hai… tere paas kya hai?
Bada bhai: Mere paas hard cash hai!

Out of service.
Out of order.
Expecting cash.
2000s only.
Emptying fast.
#ATMStatuses

Cash Na Milega Dobara.
Prem Ratan Dhan Na Payo.
Ae Bill Hai Mushkil.
Ek Tha Black Money Tiger.
Airlift (of new currency notes by IAF).

Do you have a Ration Card?
Yes, it is called an ATM Card.
Money is rationed and usually out of stock.

ATM = Any Time Money (may suddenly come and you have to be ready in wait for it)

ATM now stands for…
ATM Temporarily Moneyless.

New Year Resolutions…
RBI: I will make sure there is enough cash in the markets.
Banks: I will make sure ATMs remain open with cash 24X7.

(note)band(i) baj gaya inka. Opposition will continue protesting.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Loser Hillary continues to trend

Definition of fake news…
Anything that remotely favours Trump or criticizes Hillary.
Soon to be implemented by Silicon Valley czars.

Bizarre.
A violent rampage by Hillary supporters is proof that hate crimes have increased in America due to Trump.

Gaddafi killed brutally.
Hillary brazenly—We came, we saw, he died!
Hillary loses in polls.
Obama—Shocking interference! (With zero proof)

Hillary was the worst product in the history of democracy.
But still aggressive marketing made her win the popular vote and 232 Electoral College votes.

In Bill’s 8 years, Hillary was his Right Hand.
In Obama’s 8 years, Hill was his foreign policy architect.
Had she won, it could have been 24 years of Hill!

Tens of thousands of enthusiasts attended A’s rallies.
Thousands of bored spectators attended B’s rallies.
The US still debating how B lost!

Trump unpresidented the Democrats bigly.
It was so yuuuuge they still don’t know what hit them.
It’s not braggadocious.

Sanders supporters go on rampage.
Freedom of speech!
Hillary supporters go on rampage.
Freedom of speech!
People support Trump.
Nazi! Bigot!

2015-16—Most of the hate crimes in America have been committed by Hillary supporters.
But that’s enough for media to claim Trump is a bigot.

Hillary said Trump only ranted and attacked—she did that in the end.
Her supporters dismissed opponents as conspiracy theorists—Now they cry conspiracy.

Heights of Delusion.
She will win by a landslide.
She may win in the recount.
She could win after Electoral College defections.
She lost because of Putin.

Democrats knew Hillary was a crook. Ignore.
Media knew Hillary was a crook. Ignore.
Wikileaks showed Hillary a crook. Ignore.
Enough voters showed Hillary a crook. Still ignoring.

Liberals before US elections…
Deserving candidate will get 300+ Electoral College Votes.
Dictator will lose.
They were right!

Democrat turned Republican.
Entertainer turned President.
Toughie hated by liberals.
Polls missed magnitude of support.
#Reagan #Trump

California is full of Liberals and Democratic Hollywood + Silicon Valley.
Trump would never have got them and he didn’t bother.
He won the popular vote in 49 States.
They still don’t get it.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#IndVsEng series musings…

Jo shatak banayega wohi Sikander.
#Sachin
Jo Jeeta wohi Sikander.
#Sachin
MC-BC. Sikander gaya tel lene.
Shatak bhi mera, jeet bhi meri!
#Kohli

Test captaincy.
Test anchor.
ODI anchor.
iT20 anchor.
RCB captaincy.
RCB anchor.
3500+ runs in all the above.
Pressure? Woh kya hota hai?
#Kohli

Batsman Kohli—May surpass Sachin.
Captain Kohli—May surpass Dhoni.
Spinner Ashwin—May surpass Kumble.
All-rounder Ashwin—May surpass Kapil.

Batting Averages.
Great player…
Tests—55.
ODIs—50.
iT20s—40.
Kohli…
Tests—50.
ODIs—53.
iT20s—57.

Only two active cricketers have scored more than 650 runs in a Test series versus Australia in Australia.
#Cook #Kohli
Funny Anderson thinks Kohli needs pitches to score.

Prophecy: A Karnataka batsman will cross 200 at the Chennai Test.
Rahul out on 199: Damn! The prophecy was wrong!
Karun Nair: No it wasn’t!

#Dravid #Kumble #Laxman #Dhoni #Kohli
Greater match-winners than Sachin.
Sachin is not even the greatest in his own team.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

25 great stories out of #Demonetization…

1. Black money economy severely hit.
2. Corrupt people finally lose their money by dumping or burning.
3. Poor get some commission for conversion, benefits them.
4. Push towards more and more bank accounts.
5. Cashless economy push.
6. Counterfeit notes checked.
7. Terrorist funding checked.
8. Dawood funding checked.
9. Hence Pakistan checked (6. to 8.). Financial terrorism stops.
10. Underworld funding checked.
11. Naxalism funding checked.
12. More Naxalites being arrested.
13. India’s mindset changed, habits will change.
14. Black money folks finally afraid and things will become more difficult.
15. Black money political funding hit, especially during elections.
16. White economy boosted.
17. India now seen as a less corrupt country in the world.
18. Tracking black money made easier.
19. Money laundering under sharp focus.
20. Government tax revenue increases.
21. Hawala industry under sharp focus.
22. Circulation of money increases in India, black money hoarding stagnation hit.
23. Utilities flooded with old notes and become flush with funds.
24. Temporary normalcy in Kashmir showing how unrest was funded with black money.
25. Advance tax up and many get salaries in advance.

2 main focus areas of #AdarshLiberals and mainstream media…
1. Queues. Queues. Queues. Queues. Queues. Queues. Queues. Queues. Queues…
2. Modi will lose 2019.
(After shouting from rooftops that he will lose 2002, 2007, 2014 etc)

(C) Sunil Rajguru

Yet more #Demonetization musings…

Roti, kapada, makaan, bijli aur bandwidth.
—Late NASSCOM chief Dewang Mehta.
Now “bandwidth” is the key for our march to cashless economy.

Most people in India must be thinking that cashless economy simply means no availability of hard cash.

IAF.
We fight wars.
We go in overdrive during earthquakes and floods.
We also fly money during #Demonetization to sort out cash crunch!

Ask not what you can do for the country but what the country can do for you in terms of looted money.
—Politicians in the Pre-#Demonetization era.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

And they will continue hating Modi…

Kejriwal: Vote for anyone but BJP.
One interpretation: Vote for Congress.
Anna Hazare, tu to Congress agent nikla!

Kejri.
The man with a million mistakes, a million baseless allegations and a million nautankis.
Plus he’s chanted Modi’s name million times.

Lalu
Accused✔
Convicted✔
Disqualified✔
Incompetent✔
Jungle Raj✔
Casteist✔
Dynasty✔
#AdarshLiberals: He’s as white as snow! We hate Modi!

1970s: Too many bad politicians debut.
1980s: Mamata becomes MP.
1990s: Lalu becomes CM.
2000s: Pappu becomes MP.
2010s: Kejri becomes CM.

Congress once had all the talent, all the leaders and all the ideas.
Today it has all the stupidity, all the bankruptcy and all the Pappus.

Next they will complain that their vote bank got hacked and emptied in 2014 and they are unable to get new voting currency.
#OfflineCongress

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The effects of the US Presidential elections…

Left ecosystem has total meltdown.
Dems running like headless chickens.
US companies trying to stay.
He’s not even President yet.
#Trump

Till 2013 Left held upper hand.
2014-16—Right won it all.
2017—Uncharted territory.
#FrançoisFillonVsMarineLePen #RightVsFarRight
#France

If California secedes within the next 4 years, then Hillary will become the founding President of the new country.

If California seceded within the next 4 years, Trump’s Electoral College vote victory becomes 306-177 and popular vote 58.3-56.6 million.

Jill Stein just got Democrat supporters to fund the Green Party.
She’s a genius.
#RecountDrama #USPolls

If Romney becomes Secretary of State, it’ll be a hat-trick of…
Failed Presidential bid–>Secretary of State.
#Kerry2004 #Hillary2008 #Romney2012

After Republican party was formed, 4 Presidents have lost the popular vote but won the Electoral College.
All 4 were Republicans.
#Hayes #Harrison #Bush #Trump

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

November 2016 Status Updates

Parthiv: Forever young.
Rohit: Forever talented.
Openers: Forever changing.
Kohli: Forever angry.
#TeamIndia #Tests #IndVsEng

(November 30)

Queen, Bob Marley, Oasis, Guns N’ Roses, Janis Joplin, Velvet Underground, The Who… didn’t win a Grammy.
Hillary got one.
Bill got two.

(November 29)

It is an era of increasing waste and garbage…
WastAge.
GarbAge.
WastAgeGarbAge.

(November 28)

#DeGlobalization

#ClimateLaissezFaire

#NeoLocalization

#NeoIsolation

#UnfreeBorders

#AntiLiberalism

#AntiCommunism

#AntiMSMedia

(November 17)

How Colonialism began.
A—We have the wonders of science and technology. Lets share it with the world.
B—Let’s attack and kill instead!
A—Yeah, sounds more fun!

(November 16)

Paper Tigers @ Home!
The last Australia beat South Africa at home: 2005.
The last South Africa beat Australia at home: 1970.
#AusVsSA

(November 15)

Best chacha…
Chacha Chaudhary.
Worst chacha…
Chacha Nehru.
#NehruJayanti

(November 14)

In 1991 during the campaign one smart alec quipped…
Get three Presidents for the price of one.
#Bill #Gore #Hillary
Close!
One President and two Presidential candidates.

Amitabh: Kucch din to guzaaro Gujarat main.
English cricket team: OK, we’ll make sure the Test lasts 5 days.
#IndVsEng #Rajkot

(November 12)

#Akhilesh
2011: Humble cycle yatra.
2016: High-tech Mercedes bus yatra.
Development for Mulayam’s child, but not for UP’s children.
#UPPolls

(November 8)

Post-Apartheid, South Africa have won exactly 0/7 Test series against Australia at home.
Greatest travelers, but worst home record this.
#AusVsSA

(November 3)

Pakistan got Independence in August and attacked Kashmir in October and has been plotting since.
It is a War Nation.
Talk peace at your peril.

(November 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru