The UPA scams just go on and on…

Economic Reforms.
1. Rao.
2. Vajpayee.
3. Modi.
That’s it.
Manmohan was merely initially Rao’s assistant and then Sonia’s.

Axis Bank in the news for all the wrong reasons post #Demonetization.
Fun fact of the day…
Manmohan inaugurated the first Axis Bank then UTI Bank) in 1994.

Father of Acidic Reforms. (Spoilt politics)
Father of Uneconomic Reforms. (Corruption)
Anything but Father of Economic Reforms—That was Rao.

Father of Bionic Reforms. (Robot)
Father of Anaemic Reforms. (Low energy)
Anything but Father of Economic Reforms—That was Rao.

Manmohan Singh is 84.
And he still has to dance to Madam’s tunes.
Ghulam till I die!

Aam aadmi = Lakhpati.
Middle class = Crorepati.
Trader = Arabpati (100 crores).
Industrialist = Kharabpati (10,000 crores).
All scamsters = Neelpati (10 lakh crores).

Coal Minister innocent in Coalgate.
Economic whiz innocent in 2G.
Guess he’s snow white despite signing AgustaWestland files.

Deve Gowda was the Humble Farmer.
Manmohan Singh was the Fumble Harmer.

To think that Sonia and Manmohan knew absolutely nothing of all the umpteen scams that took place during UPA rule is the height of naivety.

100 scams under Sonia’s UPA—They leave her totally alone. Totally.
Any move Modi makes big or small—Go batshit crazy & attack: Sparta!!!

UPA did 0/10 things.
No outrage for first 7-8 years.
Modi does 5/10 things.
A. He’s doing these 5 things wrong.
B. Why isn’t he doing the other 5 things?

Sonia’s UPA did scam upon scam and no-one attacked her, investigated her or went after her.
Modi’s every bold positive move is attacked viciously.

With the way he’s blabbing non-stop, looks like the P in P Chidambaram stands for Pappu.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

How Adolf Hitler had a greater mandate to rule than Manmohan Singh…

Think it over…

In 2009, almost two-thirds of India did not vote for anyone at all either because they were ineligible or because they simply didn’t want to.

Out of those who voted, a whopping 71% Indians did NOT vote for the Congress.

Despite that the Congress got a near-dictatorial run for 5 years where their arrogance has reached unprecedented levels and virtually nobody has been held accountable for the myriad scams.

In contrast, Hitler’s party in 1933 got 44% votes in an election which saw a turnout of 71% of Germany.

A far greater fraction of Germans wanted Hitler to rule in 1933 than Congress in 2009.

On top of that Manmohan Singh has never ever won a seat in a gram panchayat, council, Assembly or general election in his entire life.

He lost the only Lok Sabha seat he tried for in New Delhi in 1999.

And yet he has been the undisputed Prime Minister of India for close to 10 years!

© Sunil Rajguru

July 2012 Status Updates

∙ Overheard…
Manmohan Singh: Kamse kam tum logo ka power waapis to aayega! Mera power cut to permanent hai!

∙ Zero Loss Sibal gets his match in Zero Power Loss Tewari.

∙ India has officially entered the Dark Age… Black Money, Blackouts and Black hearts are the order of the day.

(July 31)

∙ Anna is “fast” losing support in this country.

(July 25)

∙ Election of a President.
When you add an S (Sonia) to it, it is nothing but…
Selection of a President.

(July 24)

∙ Today the IPL resumes: IndoLanka Perennial League.

(July 21)

∙ No. 1 is White Money. No. 2 is Black.
And they say Rahul Gandhi is No. 2 in Congress.

(July 19)

∙ Cricket + Politics = Cocktail
Cricket + Politics + Pak = Molotov Cocktail

(July 16)

∙ Fed(!

(July 9)

∙ Bose… Boson.
So if a Mr More discovers a subatomic particle, we’ll finally have a Moron?

(July 7)

∙ Particles have antiparticles.
So is the antiparticle of the God particle the Devil particle?
Over to you CERN.

(July 5)

∙ You can find God in whatever you look, even in a particle.

Bhagwan nahin mila, par kam se kam bhagwan ka tukda to mila!
(God particle)

(July 4)

∙ New election symbols in UP…
SP: Car.
BSP: Maya’s statue.
BJP: Wilted lotus.
Cong: Thumbs down hand.

∙ Lady Gaga is the smartest celebrity.
I’m sure she goes out of her house in normal clothes regularly and nobody recognizes her.

∙ It had become LinkedIntoTwitter.
Now it’s back to being LinkedIn.

∙ A Kingfisher bird strikes in the water.
A Kingfisher plane strikes in the air.
(Note: Both strikes have different meanings.)

(July 3)

∙ No relationship comes with an expiry date.
Unless you’re Tom Cruise… then it’s 33.

∙ The reign in Spain stays mainly on the football plain.

(July 2)

∙ Everyone apes TOI. TOI apes The Hindu.
At Independence, The Hindu carried only ads on the Front page.
Now in 2012, TOI does that regularly.

(July 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

June 2012 Status Updates

∙ The Phases of Manmohan Singh…
In 1991 he was the New Moon.
By 1996, he waxed to become the Full Moon.
In 2004 he was the New Moon again.
Only to become the Full Moon in 2009.
Now he’s waning towards a New Moon for 2014.

∙ Lukas Rise-ol beats Ra-fell Nadal.
Roger that?

(June 29)

∙ Today’s PJ…
What’s common between the Iron Man and the Iron Pillar of Delhi?
Both the pillar and Advani have been around for donkey’s years confounding experts as they simply refuse to rust!

(June 28)

∙ Dollar to Rupee: Tum kitne gire hue ho!

(June 23)

∙ Like Brangelina, Singur should be renamed Mamatata.

(June 22)

∙ ELEMENTS of Adarsh…
Crores vanished in the AIR as they poured WATER on the dreams of honest defence personnel. Now all evidence has been destroyed in a FIRE and Justice will be forever buried in the EARTH.

Bhrastachaar itna bad gaya hai ki uska naam ab Bharshtapaanch rakhna padega.

(June 21)

∙ Pranabda then and now…
1980s: Main banunga Pradhan Mantri.
Now: Main banunga Madamji ka Rubber Stamp (Pradhan Mantri MMS) ka Rubber Stamp.

(June 20)

∙ It’s called Rashtra“pati” because all husbands are generally useless and don’t have a say in the decisions of the house.

(June 19)

∙ It’s so funny that on Facebook every status sounds grand, every picture looks good, every link sounds important, every friend feels true and every trivial activity is hallowed. All that is ignored in real life mysteriously becomes magnified manifold when made virtual.

∙ Mamata must be really de.prez.d nowadays.

(June 18)

∙ All in a fortnight…
Sania wins French Open.
Sonia wins Presidential Open.
Saina wins Indonesian Open.

(June 17)

∙ The Presidential post is ceremonial.
MMS made the PM’s post ceremonial.
MMS for Prez!

(June 13)

∙ Pranab for Prez talk…
Congress: We would like to do something special for 1 Bengali.
Mamata: First do something special for 9 crore Bengalis.

(June 11)

∙ The Planning Commission is making a lot of illoogical decisions of late.

(June 9)

∙ Indian petrol’s ultimate goal…
Jitne dollars main barrel, utne Rupees main litre.

(June 4)

∙ I just love Aamir Khan’s passion, tears and commitment.
To think he’s just getting a measely Rs 3 crores per episode for doing exactly that.
Dhana Jayate!

∙ PJ of the day…
Why is the UPA like a cake?
Because both are great when fresh, but stink when they’ve been around for too long.

∙ The Congress ate Rs 5.50 from the Rs 7.50 petrol hike and gave back Rs 2 to the common man saying: Tu do kha!

Dost dost na raha, Pyari Pyari na raha...

(June 2)

∙ Annual Appraisal
PM: I have just one question. Is any of us guilty?
CBI: No! You are all innocent.
PM: Your grade is “Outstanding”! Keep it up.

(June 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

More said and unsaid…

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh: No irritants in ties with US.
Unsaid: Pakistan, China, 2G, CWG… nothing irritates me anymore. I have attained Nirvana!

Pakistan: We are still considering the MFN status with India.
Unsaid: We’ve already given them MFN status with regard to export of terrorism, haven’t we?

Indian Media: Justice Markandey Katju is wrong, erroneous and talking absolute crap!
Unsaid: We know that he is right, but if we accept it then how will we be able to function? Which world are you living in man?

BJP: We strongly oppose Mayawati’s move to split Uttar Pradesh into four states.
Unsaid: It’s a brilliant populist move and we wish we could have done it when we were in power!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Quit India Movemement 2011

BJP to Manmohan: Quit PM’s post. You’ve lost it.
RSS to Advani: Quit PM candidature. You never had it!

Opponents to BSY: Quit politics and stay in jail.
Karuna to Kanimozhi: Quit jail and return to politics!

Bajaj to Mallya: Quit the airline industry. No bailout for you.
Environmentalists to Bajaj: Quit polluting India!

Swamy to Chidambaram: Quit the ministry. You’re tainted.
Politicians to Swamy: Quit troubling all of us all the time!

Congress workers to Rahul: Quit this indecision and lead the country.
Opponents to Rahul: Lead the country? Quit India first!

Team Anna to Government: Quit if you can’t pass Lokpal.
Lokpal to Itself: If anyone will Quit, I know it’ll be me!

Modi to Detractors: Quit troubling me over Godhra.
Detractors to Modi: Quit over Godhra!

RSS to Diggy Raja: Quit maligning us.
Diggy Raja to RSS: Quit your very existence!

Omar to Army: Quit Kashmir.
Army to Omar: Only after the last militant has Quit!

© Sunil Rajguru

A government of extremes…

Sonia kam bolti hain aur baaki sab kuch jyaada hi,

Manmohan ki umar ab jyaada lagti aur Rahul ki kam,

Prices are continuously soaring and allies’ trust is crashing,

There’s inflation in the economy, but a recession in credibility,

Congress is 54 short of majority, but behaves as if it’s 54 in excess,

Rs 1.76 lakh crore bahut kam hai, par Team Anna Hazare ke hazaron kuch jyaada hi,

2014 bahut door hai aur 2011 ko jhelna bahut hi mushkil!

© Sunil Rajguru

Main politician to nahin…

(Original Lyrics: Main shaayar to nahin, magar ae haseen jab se dekha maine tujhko, mujhko shaayari aa gayi…
Song: Main shayar to nahin. Film: Bobby. Year: 1973.)

Now Kanimozhi was a shaayar to begin with. So how did she enter politics?
Her take…
Main politician to nahin, magar ae haseen rokda jab se dekha maine tujhko, mujhko politics aa gayi…

Manmohan’s take…
Main politician to nahin, magar ae kambakht Raja ko jabse dekha, mujhko politics aa gayi…

Anna’s take…
Main politician to nahin, magar ae haseen andolan aur mauka jab se dekha maine tujhko, mujhko politics aa gayi…

Diggy Raja’s take…
Main spokesperson to nahin, magar ae Congress bachane ka bhoot ka virus jab se dimaag main ghusa, mujhko verbal diarrhoea aa gayi…

Main politician to nahin, magar kya karu, mere DNA main hain, politics aaye ya na aaye, ek din to pradhan mantra ban-na hi padega! Meri duvidha samjha karo bhai log!

Main pradhan mantri to nahin, magar marte dum tak pradhan mantrigiri jaayegi nahin…

Ye koi maya to nahin, par jabse maine pradhan mantri ki kursi ko dekha, aur kuch dikhai deta hi nahin…

Na main politician hu, na main shaayar hu, bus ek behind the scenes player hu…

Main politician to nahin, magar ae Subramanian Swamy ko jab se dekha, lagta hai ki bachi kuchi politics bhi chali jaayegi…

Main politician to nahin, main billionaire bhi nahin, main BCCI main bhi koi nahin, in fact main kuch bhi nahin…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Oh Lord! We are thankful for…

OK, the Congress Government is under a lot of flak and everything seems to be going totally wrong.

However, it has still given us many things to be thankful for…

(Don’t they tell us to count our blessings?)

Dear Sonia Gandhi,
Thank you for not becoming Prime Minister in 2004, a move that would have turned the country’s top post into a 24X7 tamasha by your belligerent detractors.
Thanks for engaging Civil Society in the decision making process even though, like RTI, it has turned totally against you in the end.

Dear Manmohan Singh,
Thank you for being an honest and clean head of state in this cesspool of corruption, even though you couldn’t do anything about it, or maybe you have, merely by letting it out in the open.
Thanks for never ever have used bad, unparliamentary or abusive language, like many other so called great politicians and for always conducting yourself with dignity and grace.
Thanks for your concern over nuclear energy.
Who knows, it may yet become India’s best idea in 20-30 years!

Dear Kapil Sibal,
Thank you for getting those pesky telecallers off my back!
Thank you for at least trying for a badly needed major educational reform in this country.
If you were a little less arrogant, then people might actually notice your many achievements.

Dear Jairam Ramesh,
Thanks for scuttling a lot of schemes that would have otherwise destroyed the environment and at least trying sincerely for much needed land reforms in the country.

Dear Ajay Maken,
Thank you for taking on rich powers like the BCCI and not giving tax rebates to even richer sports like F1.

Dear Mani Shankar Aiyar,
Thank you for being the biggest critic of your own government.

Dear Digvijay Singh,
Thank you for providing so much fodder to cartoonists and humour writers.
Without you, India would be a much less interesting place than it is now.

Dear Rahul Gandhi,
Thank you for not becoming Prime Minister… yet. You will definitely get that post one day, it is your birth right, but you haven’t earned it… yet.

Dear Congress,
Thank you for giving this country political stability in the last seven years despite having just 27% seats in the Lok Sabha from 2004-09 and 38% thereafter.

Yours Gratefully,
Sunil Rajguru

Absolutely faaltu coincidences

Notice how major players in the UPA have the letters A-N-N-A in them?

(Arthath, in sab main ANNA hain!)

soNiA gANdhi

mANmohAN singh

pAlaNiappAN chidambaram

Ak ANtoNy

ANANd sharma

jayANthi NAtarajan

m kAruNANidhi

Others don’t know how to spell ANNA and do so with only three letters A-N-A, so do they require a bit of name-changing numerology magic?

(Arthath, in sab main sirf thoda ANNA (barah ANA?) hain!)

prANAb mukherjee

sAlmNA khurshid

mANish tiwAri

Abhishek mANu singhvi

reNukA chowdAry

AmbikA soNi

Ajay mAkaN

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Old Manmohan had a farm…

(Please sing to the tune of “Old MacDonald had a farm”)

Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o,
And on that farm he had some Telecos, ee-i-ee-i-o,
With a scam scam here and a scam there,
Here a scam, there a scam, everywhere a scam scam,
Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.

Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o,
And on that farm he had some Games, ee-i-ee-i-o,
With a scam scam here and a scam there,
Here a scam, there a scam, everywhere a scam scam,
Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.

Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o,
And on that farm he had some Land, ee-i-ee-i-o,
With a scam scam here and a scam there,
Here a scam, there a scam, everywhere a scam scam,
Old Manmohan had a farm, ee-i-ee-i-o.

(Funny how everything makes the same ole sound in clean and honest Manmohan’s beleagured farm!)

This version by Sunil Rajguru