Terms and conditions for the Bharat Ratna…

Congratulations! You are the proud recipient of a Bharat Ratna.

Here are the following terms and conditions that come along with it…

1. You cannot endorse Narendra Modi for Prime Minister in absolutely any way. That will severely devalue the Ratna. We may then consider withdrawing it.

2. You now rank seventh in order of precedence: Above CMs and Governors outside their respective States. That means outside Gujarat, you rank above Modi and hence he is beneath you and hence there is no need for you to endorse him in the first place! Plus if you visit Gujarat, then you will become below Modi, so under any circumstances, do not visit Gujarat!

3. You will sever all links (if any) with the Shiv Sena, the MNS, the RSS and any right-wing Fascist forces.

4. You will always be a paragon of secularism and shun anything to do with any form of communalism whatsoever.

5. This decision may be used for political mileage and we may invoke you in our election campaign.

6. We may be voted out in the next general elections and the next government may try to impose new terms and conditions on your Ratna. We hope then you will fondly remember who gave it to you in the first place!

Happy gloating!

Warm regards,

The Grand Old Party of India

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Sachin retirement musings…

∙ Sachin. Then: Bold. Now: Bowled. Then: Aala re! Now: Gela re!

∙ 2010: You simply can’t joke about Sachin.
2011: Did you hear the joke about Sachin?
2012: Sachin is a joke.

∙ Yesterday: Who has the guts to bowl right now? Sachin is here!
Today: Who wants a wicket? Sachin is here!

∙ If Sachin is God, then atheism is the fastest growing movement in Indian cricket right now.

Mahashatak kab aayega? Woh kab retire hoga?
90% coverage in media in the last 2 years.
10% actual coverage for his game.

∙ The Little Master is getting littler and littler with every innings.

∙ 1989-2011, Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the greatest of them all? You my Lord Sachin!
2012, Mirror: I don’t know about you, but I feel old!

∙ In 2014…
Manmohan will retire and Rahul will make his debut.
Advani will retire and Modi will become shadow PM.
Sachin will retire and Arjun will make his debut.

∙ What will be Sachin’s last score in Tests?
50!
50 runs?
No age 50!

∙ Sachin to decide when to retire: Board.
My retirement decision with board: Sachin.
Ye pahale aap, pahale aap main aur do saal nikal jaayenge.

∙ Quote: Change must come from within.
Sachin: Retirement must come from within.

∙ Sachin favourite to grab 2-minute noodle brand ambassadorship from Rohit.
(Ref: Batsman goes in to bat, boil noodles. Batsman gets out, noodles ready.)

∙ When the match will be played in Delhi…
Rajya Sabha is adjourned till we have Sachin. He’s coming, he’s just gone into bat!

∙ The circle of life…
Sachin made his debut when he was 16.
Sachin will retire when his son turns 16.

∙ Bowlers on Sachin then and now…
1989: Ye baccha kaha se bat karega?
2012: Ye buddha kaha se bat karega?

∙ Sachin has enough time to bat in Mumbai and catch a plane to attend the RS session in Delhi on the same day. This is how he can balance two careers.

∙ Sachin defence argument #23…
How many MPs do you know who have scored even one international run?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

He came into cricket a long long time ago…

When Sachin Tendulkar started playing international cricket, the Web wasn’t invented, the DVD didn’t exist, India wasn’t liberalized, the Berlin Wall was still standing, Communism was alive in the USSR, Virat Kohli was a 1-year-old, Dev Patel wasn’t even born, SRK hadn’t debuted in Bollywood, Manmohan Singh wasn’t even a politician, Dhoni’s Jharkhand wasn’t a state, Osho was alive, Nelson Mandela was in jail, George W Bush’s father was US President, Rajiv Gandhi was PM, Thatcher headed the UK…

This version by Sunil Rajguru

The Sachin Mahashatak is finally here!

∙ Now he can officially change his name to Sauchin RunIshwar TenXTendulkar a.k.a Shatakeshwar.

∙ In Roman Numerals, C stands for Century, So Sachin’s new name is…
SaCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCChin

∙ New Sachinisque blessing for entry-level batsman: Aap khelo pachees saal aur maaro sau shatak.

∙ It took Sachin about 370 days to run this single and go from the 99th to the 100th 100!

∙ Now Sachin’s wife is really “Sau”bhagyawati.

Sau-te sau-te sau-te finally Mahashatak jaag gaya!

Subah ka bhoola hua shatak agar shyam ko laut aaye, to use shatak nahin mahashatak kahate hai!

∙ He almost changed his name to 99dulkar and retired!

∙ He was on 99 for so long that it almost felt like 99 years… you could have almost called him Searching Tendulkar…

∙ Sachin scored his 99th international Century on March 12.
Sachin scored his 100th international Century on March 16.
(Kindly to please ignore the year in between!)

© Sunil Rajguru

Cosolidated Mahashatak postings down the ages…

On the anniversary of Sachin Tendulkar’s 99th Century and his wait for the 100th international hundred, also called the Mahashatak, my complete blogs on the issue…

The Sachin Tendulkar “99To100 Era”…

Mission 100th 100 Scorecard for die-hard Sachin Tendulkar fans

Aayega Aayega Aanewala Shatak Aayega

Woh maarega Mahashatak ek din…

Sachin Mahashatak in Hollywood titles

4 reasons why Sachin has still not scored his Mahashatak…

Sachin Mahashatak musings…

Some Sachin Mahashatak musings…

Sachin more Mahashatak musings…

Consolidated Mahashatak musings down the ages…

Consolidated Mahashatak musings down the ages…

∙ C… Speed of light… Cosmic speed limit… Nothing can cross it… not even light…
100C… Cricketing speed limit… Nothing can touch it… not even God…

∙ Mahashatak to Sachin… Tu jahaa jahaa chalegaa, mera saayaa saath hogaa…

∙ ABCD of Sachin’s Mahashatak misses…
Sachin has missed his 100th 100 at Ahmedabad, Birmingham, Chennai and Delhi…
(Now let’s hope he doesn’t go all the way from E to Z!)

∙ Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Mahashatak.
Mahashatak who?
My shatak when, where and how???

∙ Happy First Anniversary to Sachin’s 99th International 100.
Will you have many more?

∙ Sachin will probably retire on an innings of 99 not out and then retire from international cricket to prove a point.
(Even if that takes two years!)

∙ How will the great man’s career end?
Sachin: 100*.
Sachin: 99, Retired Hurt.

∙  Jab tak sooraj chand rahaega,
Mahashatak tu aata aata… aata hi rahega…

∙ The Mahashatak solution…
Include First Class centuries as part of the equation.
Voila! He scored his Mahashatak ages ago!
Next step, include his school and other unofficial centuries.
Aila! He has scored 200 centuries.
Then the question will automatically become…
When will he score his 300th century?

∙ Q: What’s common to R Ashwin, Tino Mawoyo and Kirk Edwards?
A: None of them even debuted in Tests when Sachin scored his 99th century and all of them scored a Test 100 before Sachin’s 100th.

∙ Sachin Mahashatak Obscure Fact #23…
Even the Capital of Delhi has hit a 100 before him…

∙ Has anyone else noticed that the Aishwarya-Abhishek Bachchan child was probably conceived about a month before Sachin Tendulkar scored his 99th Century?
(Section: Amazing Facts about the Mahashatak)

∙ Sachin has been stranded on his 99th international century for ages now. But that’s normal. He always spends a lot of time in the nervous nineties.

∙ Old Saying: Delhi door hai.
New Saying…
Sachin ka sauwa shatak door hai.

∙ Whenever the Little Master nears a landmark, we have a string of nervous failures.
After the Landmark, we have a flurry of confident centuries.
How many Landmarks does a man need, before he looks at just the team scoreboard?

∙ Tendulkar Mahashatak Trivia No. 23: The bowlers purposely leaked runs to ensure that Sachin would get a large enough target to score his 100th international hundred.

∙ Tan-ta-na! Tondulkar gaya Tel lene, Tonting bhi aa gaya.
Looks like Hell will Freeze over before the Mahashatak.

© Sunil Rajguru

General musings for the day…

∙ Happy First Anniversary to Sachin’s 99th International 100.
Will you have many more?
(Mark your calendar for March 12, 2012)

∙ Sachin will probably retire on an innings of 99 not out and then retire from international cricket to prove a point.
(Even if that takes two years!)

∙ It was probably match-fixing between BCCI and Sahara…
Pehele inkaar, phir pyaar.

∙ If Behenji, Amma and Didi get together, then the acronym will be BAD… hmmm…

∙ Old saying: The last straw on the camel’s back.
New saying: The last nuke on the world’s back.
Reference: The alarming danger of Iran building their First Nuke which will probably happen to be the 31,234th nuke built in the world.

∙ Strange UPA mathematics…
(272 Lok Sabha Seats=Half-way mark.)
114 Seats=Out of power.
145 Seats=Shaky power for 5 years.
206 Seats=License for Dictatorship.

© Sunil Rajguru

Woh maarega Mahashatak ek din…

Sachin Tendulkar will definitely score his 100th international 100 one day…

Please sing to the tune of Hum honge kamyab

Woh maarega Mahashatak,
Woh maarega Mahashatak,
Woh maarega Mahashatak ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai Vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Woh maarega Mahashatak ek din.

Chup baithenge critics charo aur,
Chup baithenge critics charo aur,
Chup baithenge critics charo aur ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai Vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Chup baithenge critics charo aur ek din.

Woh retire karega Mahashatak ke saath,
Mahashatak aur Sachin honge haathon main haath
Woh retire karega Mahashatak ke saath ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Woh retire karega Mahashatak ke saath ek din.

Nahi darr kisi nervous 90s ka aaj,
Nahi bhay kisi nervous 90s ka aaj,
Nahi darr kisi nervous 90s ka aaj ke din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Nahi darr kisi nervous 90s ka aaj ke din.

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Mission 100th 100 Scorecard for die-hard Sachin Tendulkar fans (Updated again!)

Statistics since Sachin Tendulkar’s last international century on March 12, 2011…

Days elapsed: 349
Matches Played (Tests + ODIs): 20
Innings: 30
Average: 34.2
Mode of Dismissals: Caught (18), LBW (7), Bowled (4), Run Out (1)
Highest Score: 94
Lowest Score: 1
Runs Scored: 1026
Half-Centuries: 8
Latest Villain Bowler: KMDN Kulasekara
Most Dismissals: Peter Siddle (3)
International centuries scored by all other players during this period: 100+

(These statistics updated as on February 24, 2012)

This scorecard by Sunil Rajguru

Why are the Big 3 like delicious Baingan ka bharta?

The original Baingan ka bharta joke…

One wife said to another, my husband is so strange!
On Monday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he couldn’t stop praising how delicious it was.
On Tuesday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he said it was good.
On Wednesday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he smiled but said nothing.
On Thursday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he ate it quietly.
On Friday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he glared at me non-stop.
On Saturday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he stormed off without eating it.
On Sunday I gave him Baingan ka bharta and he actually threw it at my face!

One BCCI selector said to another, these Indian fans are so strange!

When we sent the Big 3 to the tour of Australia in 2003-04, the fans called them the greatest!
When we sent the Big 3 to the tour of England in 2007, the fans said very good.
When we sent the Big 3 to the tour of Australia in 2007-08, some fans started grumbling.
When we sent the Big 3 to the tour of England in 2011, the fans started screaming and shouting!
When we played the Big 3 in the home tour of 2011, the fans actually started asking why we were playing them.
When we are persisting with the Big 3 in the tour of Australia in 2011-12, the fans actually want all 3 to be sacked!!!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

The Sachin Tendulkar “99To100 Era”… (Updated)

So much time is passing between Sachin’s 99th and 100th international century, that we can now officially call it the “99To100 Era”.

Let’s take a look at the earth-shattering events have already taken place in this Era so far…

India wins ODI World Cup after 28 years… Osama finally captured and killed… Gaddafi toppled and killed after 42 years… Left rule ends in West Bengal after 34 years… Anna Hazare August Kranti… Lokpal Bill fails in Rajya Sabha… Djokovic becomes No. 1 to end Federer-Nadal Era … F1 comes to India… Amitabh becomes grandfather… Will-Kat wedding… Indian bowler (Ashwin) takes fiver and scores century in Test after 40 years… Ponting gets Test century after 2 years… Iraq war finally ends… Mars mission launched…

The following people passed away…

Sathya Sai Baba, Steve Jobs, MAK Pataudi, Jagjit Singh, Bhupen Hazarika, Shammi Kapoor, Joe Frazier, MF Hussain, Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, Suresh Tendulkar, Kim Jong-il, Dev Anand, Socrates, Václav Havel, Christopher Hitchens, Mario Miranda, Sultan Khan, Gary Speed…

(And to think he was on 85 after surviving about half a dozen dropped catches and a UDRS reversal in the same month as his 99th century and there would have been no era.)

© Sunil Rajguru