The 7 avatars of Pappu

Congress President and great 2019 Liberal Hope Rahul Gandhi is really bad software which keeps updated with endless versions. Nobody has probably received more image makeovers than him…

1. The Sphinx (Pre-2004)

Sphinx egypt-1179196_960_720The Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty is treated like royalty and shrouded in secrecy. Their Right to Privacy trumps the fundamental rights of 1.36 billion Indians. Before 2004 nobody knew anything about both Pappu and sister Priyanka and who would enter politics and whether both of them would.

Pappu was treated with kid gloves and travelled all over the world in his private cocoon, the security of which was sponsored by the Government of India. He was always seen as a future Prime Minister of India, though who was always in Priyanka’s shadow as she had captured the public imagination at that time.

2. The Gentleman (2004)

Suited man-3022704_960_720Pappu entered politics with a bang. A great debut. A win in Amethi. A Congress Prime Minister. After his mother turned down the Prime Minister’s post, he officially became the Heir Apparent and got far more respect in the Congress party than Prime Minister Manmohan ever could.

Pappu cultivated a calm gentlemanly political narrative and rarely got angry or engaged too much with any politician or media house. Then he got a triple whammy in the 2007 elections. He was promoted to Congress General Secretary, Chairperson of Indian Youth Congress and National Students Union of India.

3. The Statesman (2009)

Podium-1889056_960_720This is probably his peak. Pappu campaigned in many Lok Sabha constituencies and Congress saw an unexpected jump from 145 to 206 seats. The media and public went with the Singh is King Nuclear Deal narrative, but that was thrown into the dustbin within the Congress and full credit was given to Pappu.

In fact some even boasted that Manmohan would be kicked upstairs to the India President’s post in 2012, Pappu would be made Prime Minister and lead the Congress to 272+ seats in the 2014 elections. Many bought into this narrative.

4. The Angry Young Man (Run up to 2014)

Angry emoticon-1669804_960_720However that fell apart in 2010 with the Commonwealth Games scam which looked as damaging as Bofors at that time. However 2011 proved to be worse with the 2G scam and Anna Hazare’s August Kranti. It was all over by the 2012 Coalgate scam.

Pappu was protected. The party now became scared to announce him as Prime Ministerial candidate for 2014. Since the people were angry, Pappu was presented as the new Angry Young Man. He would roll up his sleeves, sport a stubble, rant and rave like a commoner and even tear up ordinances on a public stage.

But the Indian public in general and Twitter in particular saw him more of a comedian than a real life version of Amitabh Bachchan.

5. The Confused Young Man (2014 onward)

question road-sign-63983_960_720Everyone expected the BJP to win and Congress to lose, but the sheer magnitude of the loss shocked everyone. The lowest Lok Sabha seats the Congress ever got before 2014 was 114 and the highest the BJP got was 182.

So for the BJP to thrash Congress 282-44 was unprecedented and threw the Grand Old Party off guard. And also Pappu and his advisors? Was he the Great Unifier that would bring all the opposition together and challenge Modi? Or was he the Lone Ranger.

Was he the #KhaatPeCharcha “commoner” who would resonate with the masses? Was he the Angry Young Man Sequel returning to his rolled up sleeves and stubble ranting and raving at the establishment? Well he kept changing like a chameleon and the random changing colours made everyone’s head spin. Then he was also presented as a janeudhari Brahmin to appeal to the masses!

6. The Congress President (2017)

Tick mark-1013981_960_720Pappu paas ho gaya! Whether you like it or not, Pappu finally became the top ranking opposition leader. Mulayam Singh Yadav and Mayawati are powerless. Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha are no more. Nitish Kumar is with NDA and KCR may go that way too after 2019. Chandrababu Naidu has accepted Pappu as his master. Arvind Kejriwal is a bigger joke. Naveen Patnaik and Mamata Banerjee are confined to their respective states.

With Sonia Gandhi stepping down from the party President’s post, Pappu is finally the undisputed numero uno in Opposition India. Of course it’s not that his personal stature has grown, but the fact that everyone has shrunk around him!

7. The Great Hope (2019)

superhero-2503808_960_720Make no mistake. The media, intellectuals and Liberals still hate Prime Minister Narendra Modi with all their hearts and souls. In the run up to the 2019 general elections, all of Pappu’s gaffes, jokes, mistakes, foh pahz, misdemeanours… will be totally forgotten and he will be presented fresh for the umpteenth time as the Great Hope of 2019 (the Great Hope of 2014 that was created in 2009 will be simply repackaged).

General political musings…

nehru-2361331_640Great great grandson of Motilal, great grandson of Nehru, grandson of Indira and son of Rajiv-Sonia blasts dynastic politics in Telangana.

With the way they are still being unearthed, if Modi wins in 2019, then I have a feeling that we will still be discussing UPA scams till 2024

Politics is the only place where education is irrelevant.
Delhi CM is an IITian.
Bihar Dy CM is 9th pass.
Both are equally useless.

1984: Rajiv takes charge.
1986: Bofors.
1999: Vajpayee re-elected.
2001: Operation West End.
2009: Manmohan re-elected.
2011: August Kranti.
Modi escapes 2-year itch.

In 1990 Lalu became Bihar Chief Minister and immediately brought in Jungle Raj and became the worst politician.
After 27 years he is still being “raided” and “charged” and ruling Bihar quite comfortably.

Tea Party kicked Angrez out of American politics.
Beef Party will kick out Congrez from Indian politics.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The truth about the Congress party…

india-1293882_640Netaji gave us Independence.
Patel unified India.
Shastri laid foundations of modern India.
Rao reformed economics and foreign policy.
#GandhiNehruSham

The man with no spine…
Rao: Bring in reforms.
Manmohan: Yes, sir.
Sonia: Destroy the country.
Manmohan: Yes, madam.

#RememberingRajiv
Bofors
Anti-Sikh riots
Bhopal tragedy
Shah Bano
LTTE mess
Defamation Bill
HDW scam
Black money
KGB links
Crony capitalism
Gift of Sonia to the nation

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Modi kuch bhi kare, credit Congress ko jaata hai

Modi is tech savvy.
Par computers to Rajiv laya tha!
Modi is mending ties with Bangladesh.
Par Bangladesh to Indira layi thi!
Modi is reforming India.
Par Manmohan reforms laya tha!
Modi is transforming foreign policy.
Par foreign policy to Nehru laya tha!
Modi is building a strong party.
Par political party to Congress laya tha!
Modi is taking India to new heights.
Par India to Mahatma Gandhi laya tha!

Raj karenge Pappini aur Pappu

Work experience zero.
Talent zero.
Charisma zero.
Ideas zero.
Government expenditure on her tremendous.
Husband dubious.
Pappini the Great.

She may look a bit like Indira.
But she talks like Pappini.
And has far less experience than even nausikhiya Pappu.

Nehru created democracy.
Indira created economy.
Rajiv created technology.
Sonia created society.
Pappu will create Utopia.
-Book of Congress.

ISRO: We launched 104 satellites at one go and were successful!
Congress: That’s nothing! We’ll launch Sonia’s satellite 104 times and still fail!
#Pappu

Pappu has to perform just 1% for Congress leaders to dance on one leg.
Modi has to perform 99% for his haters to absolutely plaster him over the missing 1%.

Critic to Pappu: Your mother, father, grandmother and great grandfather responsible for mess.
Congressis: OK, let’s protest against Modi’s mother.

Rajiv humiliated Manmohan.
Sonia humiliated Manmohan.
Pappu humiliated Manmohan.
Next in line was Pappini.
Modi jumped the queue.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pappini, Pappu and other stories…

Pappu/Pappini: Mere paas (SPG cover ki) gaadi hai, (Lutyens) bangla hai, bank balance hai… aur maa bhi hai! Tere paas kya hai?
Modi: Mere paas woh sab hai aur us ke saath kaam bhi hai!

Rajiv ¼ of Indira.
Sonia ¼ of Rajiv.
Pappu ¼ Sonia.
Pappini (Priyanka) ¼ of Pappu.
So the Pappini Raj begins in the Congress!

#PriyankaVadra
The woman who does nothing, achieved nothing and is nothing.
But for the party and media is everything.
#Pappini

Naidu.
Nitish.
Maya.
Patnaik.
Mulayam.
Mamata.
Any senior leader…
100 times more political achievements than Priyanka.
#Pappini

If Priyanka is like February 29 coming every 4 years, then media is like “365 24X7″: Any time ready to elevate and legitimize her!

Congress: We will double our power with Priyanka’s entry!
Problem: Pappu = 0. Pappini = 0.
0 X 2 = 0.

The fall.
Yesterday: Priyanka will get us a majority in 543 Lok Sabha seats!
Today: She will get us a majority in 105/403 UP Assembly seats!

Sonia’s Top 10 ruining India?
Look the other way.
Modi’s Top 10 trying to bring change?
Highlight some random Sangh leader’s remark 24X7.

Breaking news headline…
Politics of hate erupts in Uttar Pradesh!
So, that means Akhilesh’s Goonda Raj was spreading love for 5 years?

A man who is full of rhetoric and has no substance claims that #Budget2017 is full of rhetoric and has no substance.
#Pappu

A Tale of Two Pappus.
#SPCongAlliance

Congress doesn’t need mass leaders but managers*: Krishna.
(*=managers of the Dynasty’s egos)

West Bengal went from Centre Left (Congress) to Left (CPM) to far Left (Mamata).
Truly Left Bengal.
Or like the Eastern Bloc, spiritually East Bengal.

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi.
AAP Wars Final Episode: The Last Jhadu.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Raj karenge Pappu-Pappini…

From before 2004 we have been hearing that Priyanka will campaign for Congress and do wonders for them.
Pappu-Pappini are forever young, forever hopeless.

An average 21-year-old Indian has more achievements than Priyanka Vadra.
But still the media goes batshit crazy every time she’s rumoured to campaign.

Yesterday.
Akhilesh has a corrupt lawless cycle!
Today.
Can you give me a lift on that cycle?
#Pappu

Rajiv: The last dynastic Prime Minister. (1989)
Sonia: The last dynastic kingmaker. (2014)
Pappu: The last would be dynastic Prime Minister.
Pappini: Beyond hope, but they’ll still push her.

If there’s anyone with lesser achievements than Pappu, it’s Priyanka “Pappini” Vadra.
Media always dying to promote her and give her credit.
#UPPolls

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pappu will be Pappu no matter what

2013…
Phata Poster Nikhla Hero.
2017…
Phata Kurta Nikhla Pappu.

Modi Kurta.
Phata Kurta.
Former made his own destiny.
Latter got everything on platter and still tore it up.

Pappu tore an expensive kurta with expensive scissors on advice of expensive consultants at expensive rally to prove that he is poor.

Pappu will retire only in 2019 when he gives Modi a second term and totally destroys the Congress by then.

Half-way through Modi’s term…
Pappu still Congress hope.
Kejri still doing nautanki.
Nitish-Lalu tussle, Mulayam-Akhilesh fight, Mamata ruining WB.
#Mission2019 bright.

Charles is his inspiration.
At 68 he’s still a Prince to the Queen.
Pappu is just 46 and a Prince to Queen Sonia.

April 1: Pappu Diwas.
Mother’s Day: Pappu’s favourite diwas.
(The only person on Earth who has faith in him)

Congress loves the minorities so much that it itself has become a political minority.

The CongRace has been lost.
Pappu came last.

Kejri. Nitish. Mamata.
Kahi pe nigaahen (CM ki kursi) kahi pe nishaana (PM ki kursi).
Pappu: Na nigaahen na nishaana, bas ghoomta hua parwana.

Looks like we will be discussing UPA scams even during the 2019 general elections.

1947—Netaji kicked the British out.
1991—Rao kicked the economic Communists out.
2014—Modi kicked the Congress out.
Nehru-Gandhi who?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pappu and a family of Pappus…

Rajiv oversees Sikh genocide and Kashmiri Pandit exodus.
Sonia: Modi—Maut ka saudagar!
Sonia oversaw massive defence decline 2004-14.
Pappu: Modi—Jawano ka khoon ka dalaal!

Nehru let PoK get away.
Indira communalized J&K.
Rajiv allowed Pandit exodus to happen.
Terrorism gained foothold under Rao.
Huge mess to clean.

#Nehru
Don’t want J&K!
Don’t want UN SC seat!
Don’t want Indus water!
Don’t want Aksai Chin!
Don’t want US N-deal!
Don’t want…
#AdarshLiberal: Wow! Foreign Policy whiz!

Pappu…
Computers kaun laya?
Reforms kaun laya?
Democracy kaun laya?
X100 kaun laya?
Aside: Ab Cong jeetega?
Modi: Pappu kaun laya?
Cong haara!

US film on alcoholism: The Lost Weekend.
Indian film on UPA’s corruption, inefficiency, misgovernance and defence decline: The Lost Decade.

#PrashantKishore slowing down…
4th Gear: Helped Modi.
3rd Gear: Helped Nitish.
2nd Gear: Invariably helped Lalu too.
1st Gear: Struggling with Pappu.
Next: The brakes. The End.

Pappu cannot do one thing wrong. (Mera Pappu mahaan)
Modi cannot do one thing right. (Tera Modi beimaan)
#AdarshLiberal #Congress

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If Pappu had to formally apply for the post of Indian Prime Minister…

Dear glorious citizens of India,

I would like to apply for the post of Prime Minister of India. First let me tell you a bit about myself.

Professional qualifications: I have studied something in some foreign universities and I did some work somewhere for some time, but please don’t ask anything more about all of it. I don’t like talking about all these experiences. You have to take my word for it.

Government experience: I have never been a central minister or Chief Minister or anything like that as it requires a lot of hard work. I have never been a bureaucrat. I have never been part of committees that did something ground-breaking. I inherited the constituency of Amethi in Uttar Pradesh and I have been hanging around in the
Lok Sabha (on and off) for a whopping 12 years now. But in my defence, that is far far more experience than any Nehru-Gandhi dynast had when he or she took over as Prime Minister.

Speeches: This is my biggest body of experience. I have made millions and millions of speeches in the length and breadth of this great land, in rural and urban centres and for Assembly and general elections. I believe I am already the most experienced speech giver in my party.

So what if I spout nonsense from time to time. So what if my speech writers appear to be imbeciles? So what if I’m met by empty venues at times? So what if none of my speeches can be converted to votes? So what if most of them are disastrous?

Please look at my immense body of work and honour it.

Social media presence: I have already become a legend in the social media circuit. If you combine all the word counts and images of all the Pappu jokes, spoofs and laughs on Twitter, Facebook and the like, then I have already surpassed the combined publicity of the entire Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty manifold.

Haven’t you heard of the phrase: There is no such thing as bad publicity! Even on YouTube, the 1 hour plus interview with Arnab Goswami making a fool of myself got a good 3.2 million views. The channel was really happy. In fact all media houses really adore me.

As it is most wise men are insisting that Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross Domestic Product. Think how much laughter and happiness I will be able to give to the country of India when I become Prime Minister!

My recent achievements: Our friend Kejriwal thrashed Modi in Delhi. The Mahagatbandhan thrashed Modi in Bihar. Modi got thrashed in Uttarakhand President’s Rule fiasco. Modi got thrashed in Arunachal Pradesh President’s Rule fiasco.

Even when Modi is not getting thrashed I am totally useless and Modi is doing so much work. Yet the media, intellectuals and liberals attack Modi far far more. That’s the power of my personality. If I become Prime Minister, I will have the entire mainstream media, intellectuals and liberals eating out of my hand. That hasn’t happened to Modi, has it?

My trump card: So why should I be made Prime Minister? It’s simple really.
1. My great grandfather was Prime Minister.
2. My grandmother was Prime Minister.
3. My uncle was de facto Prime Minister.
4. My father was Prime Minister.
5. My mother was de facto Prime Minister.

That’s five good reasons while the mean chaiwallah had none and still you made him Prime Minister! I am the system (at least I was till 2014) and therefore only I can really change the system.

Anyway, please do not worry as I am in no hurry. If things go wrong with the chaiwallah then I automatically win in 2019. If things go right then there’s always anti-incumbency in 2024. Even if that fails there’s always 2029 and 2034.

I can emulate Manmohan Singh chachaji. He became Prime Minister quite late. Come to think of it Morarji Desai first became Prime Minister at the age of 81! I will turn 81 in 2051. So that’s how long you have to bear me! Better to make me Prime Minister as early as possible and get it done with!

(P.S. When I finally become Prime Minister, I will require more than six months of vacation in a year. But I am very happy with the chaiwallah for setting precedence. I will simply try to break his foreign trips record. I can holiday for one month at a time and maybe have just a couple of chai meeting with foreign leaders to justify it! Chaiwallah zindabad! Actually come to think of it, I can simply take a vacation till 2019! Hmmm… how tempting!)

Yours in good earnest,

Pappu.

(In case you haven’t guessed it, this is a spoof about Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi)

© Sunil Rajguru

For them the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty still rules…

When she wants privacy she’s…
‪#‎PriyankaVadra‬
When she wants publicity she’s…
‪#‎PriyankaGandhi‬
Thanks to media, she has her cake and eats it too.
‪#‎Pappini‬

2002-14: Intense witch hunt against Modi, dozens of charges, zero court cases.
Liberals-Intellectuals-Media: Guilty!
Now court cases piling against Kejri-Dynasty.
Liberals-Intellectuals-Media: Innocent!

RSS killed Mahatma Gandhi. ✖
Rahul Gandhi will kill the Congress. ✓

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Yet more musings on the #NehruGandhiDynasty…

When media wants to make her a private citizen, it’s Priyanka Vadra.
When media wants to make her a politician, it’s Priyanka Gandhi.
‪#‎Pappini‬

#‎DynastyCliches‬
Priyanka is coming.
Sonia is unhappy.
Pappu is relaunching.
Rajiv invented a, b, c… x, y, z.
Vadra is a private citizen.

Priyanka bas aa rahi hai politics main.
Sab ki chutti kar degi. Indira jaisi hai.
“Coming soon” since 1998. Yawn!
‪#‎Pappini‬

The roles of Pappu and Pappini keep getting larger and larger with each passing year and yet they are still so teeny weeny.
‪#‎CongressSinking‬

Great progress…
1947: Nehru Dynasty.
1966: Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty.
2019: Nehru-Gandhi-Vadra Dynasty?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru