When India chased 350+ with Australia, again!

Aussie jugalbandi…
Batsmen: Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai!
Bowlers: Aaj phir marne ka iraada hai!

PJ of the day…
Hamne ek virat score khada kiya hai: Aussies.
Hamne Virat ko hi khada kar diya: Indians.

Kohli ke khilaaf 300 ko defend karna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai.
Iska hal saare mulko ke coaches dhoond rahe hain.

Aussie fielders Darr gaye and the bowling stuttered…
I hate you K… K… K… K… Kohli.

The series is now tied at 2-2-2.
(India-Australia-Rain)
In Bengaluru, rain always has the advantage.

Batting ke Shikhar par ek Dhanwaan baitha hua hai.

Indian bowling….
Isssshhhhhh! Sharma ke bina bhi sharma raha hai!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Why you can’t “punish” an Indian politician…

It’s tough to catch an Indian politician committing a crime.

If caught, tougher to chargesheet him.

If chargesheeted, even tougher to convict him.

If convicted, even more tough to uphold conviction in all higher courts.

Finally, even if the Supreme Court convicts him, then all he has to do his convert his prison cell into a virtual hotel room and bide his time to enjoy a relaxed retired life with all that black money.

In all of this where’s the punishment and where’s the reform?

So the question is, why won’t an Indian politician scam, loot, murder and be super arrogant?

© Sunil Rajguru

Raaj karega Pappu…

India invented the Zero.
Then it re-invented it with Pappu.

Advisor: Every time you open your mouth, we lose 1000 votes.
Pappu: So what do I do now?
Advisor: No problem. You reached zero long back. There’s no negative voting, so lage raho Pappubhai!

The man who is writing Pappu’s speeches is killing him.
If he writes his own speeches then it’s a case of suicide.

In 2009, most constituencies Pappu visited voted for the Congress.
In 2014, most constituencies Pappu will visit will never vote for Congress ever again.

Pappu just gave his greatest speech ever on TV channels.
(Since there was no audio, no-one could quite find any fault with it)

Pappu has set the bar so low for himself that if he becomes PM, then his every little achievement will be celebrated with pomp.
Nice strategy!

Q: Pradhan Mantra kaisa ho?
A: Narendra Modi jaisa ho!
Q: Aur Pradhan Mantra kaisa na ho?
A: Pappu.

Diggy Raja’s foot partially eclipsed his mouth.
If Pappu becomes PM, eclipse will be total!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Chief Minister’s Speech…

In terms of drawing crowds at rallies at least, Modi is a Lakhpati.
Now he has to be a Crorepati at the ballot boxes to come to power.

Blockbuster of 2010…
The King’s Speech.
Blockbuster of 2013-14…
The Chief Minister’s Speech.

Most pro-Modi trolls are anonymous goodness knows who people.
Most anti-Modi trolls are public (and allegedly responsible) figures.

Use Feku kahate hai kyunki usne Pappu ke PM chances ko totally fek diya.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pappu will probably boast next…

My great great grandfather founded Congress.

My great grandfather founded India.

My grandmother founded Bangladesh.

My uncle founded the Indian automobile industry.

My father founded the Computer Age.

My mother founded a poverty free India.

I will found Paradise.

The next Nehru-Gandhi generation will found Heaven itself.

© Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan the destroyer…

Manmohan as The Trinity…
1991-96: The Creator.
2004-09: The Preserver.
2009-13: The Destroyer.

He is the 13th Prime Minister of India.
As they say:
13…
Lucky for some (Manmohan Singh)…
Unlucky for others (all other Indians).

SINGH is King!
S = Spectrum, coal and many other scams.
I = Internet Emergency.
N = No spine whatsoever.
G = Gayab. (Awaaz, governance, etc…)
H = Home and abroad both equal failures.

The amount of investigation that has been done against Modi, even if 1% of that was done against UPA2 scams, Manmohan would probably find himself behind bars.

Manmohan Singh’s symbol should be the Lotus.
He is the longest surviving PM in the biggest pile of mud.

New remixed quote…
Power corrupts, Manmohan corrupts absolutely.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Mera Pappu mahaan…

Aamir Khan: Papa kehete the…
Pappu: Papa kehete the… Daadi keheti thi… Pardada kehete the… Pardada ke Papa kehete the… Mummy keheti hai…

With his oratory, Pappu set out to better Barack Obama, but ended up surpassing even George W Bush.

Congress election slogan for 2014…
UPA2 to sirf jhaaki hai,
UPA3 abhi baaki hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If they were books…

Manmohan Singh: Written by Sonia and edited by Pappu.

Sonia Gandhi: A top secret book locked away permanently in a secret bank locker.

Pappu: Written by no-one (as it’s blank) and marketed by Diggy Raja.

AK Antony: A book ghost written by someone in disguise.

Diggy Raja: The greatest conspiracy book of all time.

Narendra Modi: A self-marketed autobiography.

LK Advani: An out of print out of circulation antique.

Kapil Sibal: Priced Rs 0, but would still result in Zero Loss for the Publisher.

Manish Tewari: Completely written in all caps and bold font.

Baba Ramdev: Made of plastic. Twist it in any way you like, it will always come back to shape.

Arvind Kejriwal: From a low-cost publishing house challenging the market leaders.

Shashi Tharoor: Released one sentence at a time through Twitter.

Raj Babbar: Priced at Rs 12, will promise to fully nourish the soul.

Nitish Kumar: Coloured book with every colour except saffron.

Sharad Pawar: The ultimate money-earner.

© Sunil Rajguru

The consolidated Pappu speech…

The Congress is everywhere, it’s in your shirt, it’s in your pants. It’s bigger than Europe and the US put together. Congress ek soch hai. Congress ek jagah hai… magar Congress ek soch hai. Hence it is also a state of mind, if you have confidence, you will overcome it. Agar desh ko badalna hai, toh pahale Congress ko badalo… (Not happening!) Because to escape from the Congress, you require an escape velocity that is not only greater than that of Jupiter but that of the Sun. Vote for us in 2014 and you will say “I have lost it” and the escape velocity will be then even greater than that of a Black Hole.

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Nobody saw that coming at the beginning…

At a time when Email usage skyrocketed in mobiles, pioneer Blackberry would tank.

When the smartphone boom happened, pioneer Nokia would fall by the wayside.

When global digital camera sales soared, pioneer Kodak would go bankrupt.

In the era of the ubiquitous MP3 player, pioneer Sony of the Walkman would lag way behind.

Apple beat Microsoft to most of the innovations and yet the latter had the PC monopoly.

IBM would enter the computer business and gain heights; exit the PC business and go even higher.

Facebook would be the first to get 1 billion users in anything.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

September 2013 Status Updates

Laloo kachaloo bete kahan gaye the?
Fodder ke tokri main so rahe the,
Congress ne pyaar kiya has rahe the,
Courts ne laat maara ro rahe the.

(September 30)

Let’s get this straight.
If Candidate A gets 1 vote and all other candidates get Zero votes with 1 million clicking Right to Reject, then Candidate A still gets elected?
So what are we rejecting?

(September 27)

West Bengal had…
Ray, but no light.
Jyoti and darkness.
Buddha and no enlightenment.
Now they have…
Mamata without the Spirit of Love.

(September 24)

MS Dhoni probably has a World Cup/No. 1 crown for every new hairstyle he sports.
Let’s see what the Mohawk gets him!

(September 23)

Make no mistake about it, Advani still has PMS.
(Prime Ministerial Stress)

(September 21)

Pakistan is the ultimate Coalition Government.
The country is ruled jointly by political parties, the Army, the judiciary, terror groups and America.

(September 18 )

King Edward the 8th abdicated for the love of his life.
Crown Prince Pappu the 1st abdicated (the PM candidature) to save his own life.

(September 17)

The baton passed seamlessly from…
Mookerjee–>Upadhyaya–>Vajpayee–>Advani.
First time it’s been snatched: Advani–>Modi.
But Modi didn’t have much of a choice, did he?

(September 16)

Mulayam unhappy with Akhilesh.
Azam too unhappy.
Sonia unhappy.
BJP unhappy.
People unhappy.
Don’t worry—Just 4 more years of unhappiness.

With his past and now the latest chargesheet, N Srinivasan has all the right qualifications to contest the 2014 Lok Sabha elections.

For the Americans, How Syrians Die (via chemical or regular weapons) seems to be far more important than How Syrians Live.

(September 11)

Online, less than 1% are Trolls.
Yet they get 99% coverage.
For some, the glass isn’t 99/100th full but 1/100th empty.

(September 9)

We are peaceniks: USA.
PEACENIKS =
Pakistan
Egypt
Afghanistan
Cuba
Eastern Bloc
North Korea
Iraq
Kuwait
Syria
+ Every piece of Earth.

(September 8 )

BJP is like the little brother who looks up to his big brother Congress, but sorely resents his success at the same time.

John Kerry.
1960s Vietnam: I oppose.
Gulf, panama, etc etc: I oppose.
2003 Iraq: I oppose.
2013 Syria: I…
(Sir, you are in charge!)
…support!

(September 6)

Dear Pappu,
Despite your best efforts, India ko abhi bhi gussa aa raha hai.
G₹ ₹ ₹ ₹ ₹ ₹ ₹ ₹ ₹ ₹…..

Whatever I learnt in my Civics classes has been subverted by this Government.
It was all a waste of time.

Obama: I got letters from 300 Indian MPs protesting Syria.
Aide: It’s Sonia, not Syria. Over some 1984 riots summons, I believe.

(September 5)

Air fares go up.
Airlines go down.
Turbulence in the air.
Turbulence in the markets.
Pilotless policies.
Air India in an air pocket…

Funny way of looking at it…
Syrian dying by government weapon: Illegal.
Syrian dying by chemical weapon: More illegal.
Syrian dying by American weapon: Legal.

(September 4)

Priceless logic…
1. Vanzara involved in encounter.
2. TV channels sure encounter is fake.
3. Vanzara says Modi not backing him.
Follows from 1, 2 and 3: Modi not saving fake encounter cop.
But TV news headline: Blow to Modi!

(September 3)

The Ostrich Nation…
Petrol problem. Curfew the pumps.
Economy problem. Point fingers.
Industry problem. Land Bill.
Rapes increasing. Ban porn.
Crores starving. Legislate food…

(September 2)

At this rate we’ll need to double the supply of petrol!
Moily: Then let’s halve the time it’s made available!
#PetrolCurfew #8to8NoPetrol

Bizarre: Women shouldn’t go out after 8pm.
More bizarre: Petrol shouldn’t go out after 8pm.
#Moily #PetrolCurfew

(September 1)

© Sunil Rajguru