Congress and its relationship with…

BJP: Tu Tu Main Main.

Mulayam: Kabhi Ha Kabhi Na.

DMK: Hum (scam main) Saath Saath Hai.

Mamata: Pehele Inkaar Phir Pyaar.

The Dynasty: Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi.

India’s resources: Phir Hera Pheri/Golmaal Returns.

Voters: On election day—Maine Vote Kiya. Later —Maine Vote Kyun Kiya?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Congress mobile terminology

Sonia: Out of your coverage area.

Rahul: Network error.

Spokespersons: Voice with no data.

PM: Silent mode.

Spokespersons: Loud ringtone and vibrate mode.

SMS: Something that spreads baseless rumours.

MMS: Parody of the original MMS! Ban it!

Mobile Internet: Twitter! Facebook! Ban it!

International roaming: If it concerns the dynasty, then RTI doesn’t apply.

Talk time: If it’s Congress spokespersons, 24X7. All others: Zero.

EDGE: Enhanced Dynastic Rate for Gandhis’ Evolution.

Voice over Internet Protocol: Can we actually yell at people while they surf the Internet!

1G: Motilal Nehru, first generation Nehru-Gandhi dynasty.

2G: Spectrum for scam allocation.

3G: Future scam potential spectrum.

4G: Sonia, fourth generation dynasty.

5G: Rahul, fifth generation dynasty. And like 5G (the technology), is very undercooked and years away from maturing and hitting the market.

These Versions by Sunil Rajguru

Twisted TV shows for Indian politics…

Kahani Har Scam Ki
The never ending saga of the UPA government.

Kasautii Internet Kay.
The continuous battle of the UPA to censor the Internet.

Baal Damaad: Kachchi Umar Ke Kachche Rishte
Story of perennial “Youth” Congress leader Rahul Gandhi.

Kaun Banega Arabpati?
Stories of all the never-ending scams.

Tu Tu Main Main
Congress-BJP debates in Parliament.

Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai
The love-hate relationship between the Congress and BJP which some have termed match-fixing.

Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Hain?
Interviews of various politicians across the land.

Comedy Circus
Regular round-up of Indian politics.

And lastly, a non-political one…
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Nahin Thi
Starring Eve (and Adam) when her sons get married.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Some political definitions…

Lok Sabha boycott: An art perfected by Rahul Gandhi, while the BJP is still struggling to pull it off.

PM’s Statement in the House: Something that rarely comes and when it does, there’s no-one around to listen to it.

Opposition: Something the BJP has outsourced to civil society, CAG, courts etc.

Social Networking: The new terror network and danger to India.

Lakh Crore: The very basic unit of a scam.

NDA: Non-functioning Democratic Alliance.

UPA: Unilateral Parties Association.

The NaMo Test: The litmus test in Indian politics. You are either with him or against him with nothing in between.

Civil Society: A type of society that the government finds quit uncivil.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Once upon a time…

You know what, I was thinking…
I don’t care!

The breakfast I had was…
F*** off!

Wanna see my photo album?
I don’t have time for such things!

Will you play a game with me?
Are you nuts?

Will you take my quiz?
You’re so idle!

Let’s support a cause…
Too busy!

Farming would be a nice part-time hobby.
Keep dreaming!

…and then God created Facebook and Twitter!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

If Manmohan Singh spoke like Amitabh Bachchan…

∙ Mera sarkaar paanch lakh crore ka ghotala karne aaya hai, aur us main se mere jeb me paanch phooti kaudi bhi nahin jaayegi!

To BJP: Aapne apni paanch din na de kar aapne Lok Sabha ke 5 crore gumaye hai.

To people demanding his resignation: Jisne har roz apne government ko thoda thoda marte dekha ho, us-se maut se dar nahin lagta.

(Trishul)

To BJP: Ye tumhare baap ka ghar nahin, Lok Sabha hai, is liye sidhi tahrah khade raho.

(Zanzeer)

To BJP: Uff tumhare usool, tumhare adarsh. Kis kaam ke hai tumhare is usool jo ek waqt ki sarkar tak nahi bana sakta?

∙ Rahul ki maa, tu khush to hai na.

∙ Nahin Rahul ki maa, main kuchh bhi galat kaam nahin kar raha.

(Deewar)

∙ Ye sarkar kal chalegi, har haal pe, har keemat pe.

∙ Aap dekh sakte hain hum der se kyun aaye he. Shaher main ek bhi naaka nahin tha, ek bhi chok, gali nahin thi, jahan hum pe shabdo ki goliyon ki barsaat nahi hui.

∙ Pehle to mai aap ko ek PMO ke Twitter account pe haath daalne ke liye giraftar kar sakta hoon.

∙ Rishte me to hum tumhare PM hote hain, naam hai Manmohan.

(Shahenshah)

∙ PM ka resignation ka intezaar toh baarah rajyo ki parties kar rahi hai, magar PM ko resign karwana mushkil hi nahi, namumkin hai.

(Don)

∙ Ye 2G bhi ajeeb cheez hai: Sarkar sochta kuch hai, bolta kuch hai, aur karta kuch hai.

(Agneepath)

∙ Jise PM ban-na hai, woh sab line laga kar saamne khada ho jaye.

(Satte Pe Satta)

∙ UPA woh kutte ki dum hai, jo baara baras nalli ke andar daal ke, nalli tedi hoti, UPA sidha nahin hota!

(Laawaris)

∙ UPA ki imaarat ki neev itni majboot hai ki koi BJP hothon pe slogan aur chehre pe nafrat liye uski ek bhi eent hilane ke liye kadam nahi rakh sakta.

(Mohabbatein)

∙ Tumhara Naam kya hai, 2G?

∙ To BJP: Ghadi ghadi drama karta hai, saala.

(Sholay)

∙ Us aurat ka to bahut bada ehsaan hai. Kyun ki, us aurat to us waqt meri madad ki thi, jab mere apne party ne mooh pher liya tha.

(Shakti)

UPA bashings of the day 2…

· In the 1980s, Bofors gave the Opposition an orgasm.
That way, this is a multiple orgasm government.

· UPA’s favourite movie is Black. Black money. Black coal. Power Blackout. Net blackout. Black future. Blackguards all.

· Dhanteras comes every year.
For the Congress Kaladhanteras comes every day of the year.

· Yesterday…
Madam you are just like Indira!
No, her father was Nehru, mine wasn’t.
Today…
Madam you are just like Indira!
No, she could impose Emergency and I can’t!

· Crores of Indians have Congrage right now and want to overthrow the government in anger.

· Itna zero loss no loss kar rahe hai ye log that the UPA score is now Rs 5 lakh crore for no loss.

· UPA: Manufactured in 2004.
Expiry date: 2012.
Will decompose and stink the longer it stays.

· The Congress was Created by a foreigner.
At this rate, it will be Destroyed by a foreigner too.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Congress versus Cyberspace 3

· Government guidelines…
$1billion in Swiss Bank Account: Safe.
Hate article in fringe publication: Safe.
Formation of violent fringe group: Safe.
Twitter Account: Dangerous!

· US: Wag the Dog. India: Wag the Virtual Dog.

· During appraisal, it was found that real PMO Twitter account was trending last among all PMO accounts.
They just decided to kill the competition, that’s all!

· Obama WikiLeaks ke peeche, Manmohan Twitter ke peeche.
World War 3 will be fought in Cyberspace.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Congress versus Cyberspace 2

· 1975: Emergency. 2012: e-mergency.
(e=electronic, a la “email”)

· Hindi-Chini bhai-bhai,
Censorship ki ek hi ladai.

· While Congress is the Chief Online Blocker, Mamata is the Chief Offline Blocker.
Ram milaaye jodi, ek andha (can’t see the reality) aur ek behari (doesn’t listen to anyone).

· Congress Pre-1947: We will give you freedom.
Congress 2012: We will take away your Internet freedom.

· The UPA has finally implemented Right to Reject and Right to Recall.
Only it refers to rejecting and recalling websites on the Net.

· Twitter: A social networking platform.
Tweeple: People who Tweet.
Twits: Those who want Twitter banned.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Congress versus Cyberspace

· Dear Government,
Trying to get the Internet constipated?
You’ll only end up with a full blown case of diarrhea attack upon you!

·The 4Cs that are Cutting the Congress: Cyberspace. CAG. Civil Society. Courts.

·We will eradicate Partition pain: Nehru.
We will eradicate poverty: Indira.
We will eradicate Twitter, Facebook: Manmohan.

·When there’s a war, cities undergo blackouts.
The Government wants blackouts in cyberspace before it attacks further.

·Advisor: There is a real problem of Bangladeshi illegal immigration into India.
Government: We are more worried about the problem of Twitter &FB’s illegal immigration of ideas into Indian thought.

·1975: When the media was asked to bend, they crawled.
2012: When the Government looked, the media (MSM) were already crawling in the first place!

·Congress: Twitter has 140 shady characters.
Twitter: Congress has more than 140 shady characters in its ranks.

·Many countries have a Sense of Humour.
India has a Sense of Tumour, a cancer which is eating away at humour, creativity, free speech and expression.

·MMS is a chuha in real life (doing nothing) and a Singham in cyberspace (banning everything left right and centre).

·Quota Politics. What after 5 SMSes a day limit? 5 status messages a day limit? This current government exceeded its quota of good ideas years back.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If newspapers marketed themselves like websites…

The world’s No. 1 paper has a circulation of 3 million plus.

That’s 3 million Unique Visitors a day!

That makes it 90 million Unique Visitors a month!

Every newspaper is read by four people.

We could call that 360 million total Visitors a month!

Now every Visitor flicks through almost the whole paper and therefore sees at least 20 Pages.

That’s 7.2 billion Page Views!

(Now isn’t that the more than the population of the world?
Note: Take Web Statistics with a pinch of salt.)

This version by Sunil Rajguru

A farfetched comparison…

Hitler was democratically elected but still became intolerant, arrogant and fascist in outlook and wasn’t interested in what other parties and people were thinking. His Minister of Propaganda was Goebbels and they banned a lot of books. Their most shameful episode is the Holocaust. Hitler had the numbers to introduce an Emergency like situation.

The Congress was democratically elected but still became intolerant, arrogant and fascist in outlook and isn’t interested in what other parties and people are thinking. Its Minister of Propaganda is Sibal and they have banned a lot of websites. Their most shameful episode is the anti-Sikh riots of 1984. UPA don’t have the numbers to introduce an Emergency like situation.

This version by Sunil Rajguru