#RioOlympics2016 musings…

Badminton champion gets Rs 10+ crore for getting our only Olympics woman silver in 100+ years.
Daughter of badminton champion gets Rs 10+ crore for every film, hit or flop.

‪#‎Irony‬
Shobhaa De trolled the India Olympics contingent really gracelessly.
Instead those who outed her are being called trolls.

#Ind Post-1947.
6 #Olympics Gold medals.
3 cricket World Cups.
1 hockey World Cup.
All under Congress Prime Ministers. 100%.
#Replug

Most politically incorrect song from Bobby during the #Olympics
Na chahoon Sona Chandi…
Ye mere kis kaam ke…
Ye to hain bas naam ke!

I think they should award a fourth place “Pewter Medal” in the Olympics for the benefit of countries like India.
‪#‎Rio2016‬

Other countries…
You don’t win a silver, you lose a gold.
India…
You don’t lose a bronze, you win a fourth place.
‪‪#‎Reality‬

‪#‎BetiBachaoBetiPadhao‬
should be officially changed to
‪#‎BetiPadhaoBetiKhilao‬

Shobhaa De should make a few more nonsensical statements.
A couple more Indian women will end up winning ‪#‎Olympics‬ medals.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The A to Z of Shah Rukh Khan controversies

A for Amitabh Bachchan

One is the Shahenshah and one is the Badshaah. And of course, it’s impossible for them to get along. Or so the grapevine would have us believe. There’s a cold war that keeps brewing and we keep getting the details. One such was when Jaya Bachchan called Happy New Year a nonsensical film and that got SRK mad and Amitabh had to apologize.

A is also for Abhijeet who once declared that he wouldn’t sing for SRK ever again as he didn’t get enough respect to him. You could say that Abhijeet’s playback career got cut short after that. He only came back in the limelight when he became a strong supporter of Prime Minister Narendra Modi on Twitter.

B for Billu Barber

This one defied logic. If the hero of a movie is called Billu and is a barber, then what else can one call the movie? But barbers of the world (or rather India) found it derogatory and the film had to be renamed to Billu.

C for Chalte Chalte

It was reported that due to a fracas between Aishwarya Rai and Salman Khan on the sets of the film, the former was sacked from the movie and replaced with Rani Mukerji. Years later SRK wasn’t invited to the marriage of Aishwarya at the Amitabh household.

D for Dilwale

This comes straight after I for Intolerance. SRK got into the whole #AwardWapsi controversy and Twitter started trending #BoycottDilwale. SRK pleaded T for Tolerance before the movie but the damage was done. People protested with banners and continued the campaign. One trade analyst said the film made losses to the tune of Rs 50-60 crores for distributors and hence could be called his biggest flop ever.

That set SRK back, but the flop of Fan hurt him even more. Thanks to all this, the release of Raees was pushed from 2016 to 2017.

(Shah Rukh Khan’s career is now officially over

How SRK and Dilwale got punished for Aamir over intolerance

Why SRK’s Fan and Raees will suffer like Dilwale)

D is also for Deepa Sahi. Remember Maya Memsaab in 1993? That had generated a lot of controversy over the sexually explicit content. The censor board cut some scenes, which made their way to YouTube years later.

E for the Eyes of Amar Singh

At an awards show, SRK joked that he saw “darindagi” (evil) in erstwhile Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh’s eyes. Amitabh was miffed and SP partymen agitated in front of SRK’s home.

F for Farah Khan

When Farah decided to do her 3rd movie without SRK, all manner of reports came of a split between the two. The superstar later clarified that it was a date problem and nothing else. Since then SRK and Farah Khan have patched up and made Happy New Year. However then Jaya called the film nonsensical.

F is also for foetal test. A report appeared that SRK and Gauri went in for a foetal sex test during pregnancy and there was even a probe into those allegations!

G for Gay

The SRK-Saif Ali Khan gay act in Kal Ho Na Ho was a big hit and the acting continued well into award shows. That led some people to spread rumours that he was gay in the first place. To be fair, the duo sportingly carried on this theme while hosting a film award show.

H for Hosting film award shows

When the King Khan hosts a film award, then it can’t be normal. At the Filmfare awards, he and Saif took potshots at everyone: critics, the film industry, themselves… Not everyone was amused though.

H is also for Pakistani terrorist Pakistani Hafiz who invited SRK to Pakistan after a controversial write-up in Outlook magazine. Declared SRK: I sometimes become the inadvertent object of political leaders who choose to make me a symbol of all that they think is wrong and unpatriotic about Muslims in India. I have been accused of bearing allegiance to our neighbouring nation rather than my own country.

I for IPL

After failing to get Mumbai, SRK landed with Kolkata in his kitty. Since then it was been trouble with Dada Sourav Ganguly, coach John Buchanan, irate fans, bottom of the table performances, Pak players controversy and initially they didn’t even reach the semis. G is also for (Sunil) Gavaskar. This is what the cricketing legend had to say about Buchanan: A failed former cricketer making a living telling international players to do what he couldn’t do. Needless to say SRK wasn’t amused. Since then KKR has won the IPL twice, though winning captain Gautam Gambhir soon found himself out of the national team.

J for Junk Food Actors

In the 1990s, he once made certain remarks about “junk food actors” which allegedly referred to action stars Akshay Kumar and Sunil Shetty. The comments were subsequently totally denied and everything was fine between the three.

K for Khan Wars

It is impossible for the Three Big Khans to get along. Bollywood is simply too small for Salman, Aamir and SRK. Either they are not on talking terms or are cold to each other at parties and meets. Aamir even once got into the mood and questioned SRK’s No. 1 status followed by the below-the-belt comment on his blog that a dog called Shah Rukh was licking his legs. The love-hate relationship between the three Khans continues. There was that famous SRK-Salman hug though.

Then there’s the Chalte Chalte controversy as mentioned above and there was also supposed to be another confrontation between the two at Katrina Kaif’s birthday party.

K is also for Kunder as it was alleged that SRK slapped Farah Khan’s husband Shirish Kunder at a Bollywood party. Kunder even Tweeted making fun of the fortunes of Ra.One saying, “I just heard a 150 cr firework fizzle”. Since then after a lot of apologies, SRK and Farah got together for Happy New Year.

L for Lux Cozi

Lux Cozi sponsored Kolkata Knight Riders. Lux Cozi promoter was charged with the abetment of suicide of Rizwanur Rahman. And the deal got promptly frozen, even though the ads kept coming on TV long after the press conference where the announcement was made.

M for My Name is Khan

One of the biggest controversies in recent times. The Shiv Sena. The MNS. The Maharashtra government. Everyone seemed to have got involved. The film got released amidst unprecedented security and SRK is still clueless on what exactly happened and why it happened. (The Thackerays said they were protesting SRK batting for Pakistani players in the IPL.)

N for Newark Airport

SRK was detained Newark Airport in the US for more than an hour “Because His Name Was Khan”. While SRK kicked up a racket, his detractors found the plot too eerily similar to the movie he was shooting for.

O for Om Shanti Om

While this movie opened to bumper full house without any problems, thespian Manoj Kumar made a big fuss about how his character was portrayed negatively and wanted an apology plus the scenes being cut.

P for Priyanka Chopra

SRK has a great personal life and usually stays out of the news for the wrong reasons, but he was once linked to Piggy Chops and the Bollywood grapevine had a gala time. P for is also for parties. There’s something always happening at Bollywood parties.

Q for Quiz Shows

Why did SRK take up Kaun Banega Crorepati? To prove a point to Amitabh? Was Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain a washout? Why did SRK host a college quiz?

R for Ra.One

No SRK movie has come in for so much flak over its story line and penchant for offending a whole host of communities. Panned by the critics, this movie raked in the moolah for SRK but still wasn’t the blockbuster it was made out to be.

(An Open Letter to Shahrukh Khan regarding Ra.One)

R for is also for Rab Ne Banadi Jodi. During the shooting of this movie, it is alleged that SRK smoked on the premises of a “No Smoking” Sikh college in Amritsar. SRK was also caught smoking in the Sawai Mansingh Stadium in Jaipur during an IPL match and a case was filed against him.

S for Scanner

Heathrow airport proudly introduced body scanners that would tighten security. However people claimed to have saved and distributed images of SRK’s body, leading to an outcry by privacy groups.

T for Trimurti

This was one of the major box office debacles of the mid-nineties and director Mukul Anand and producer Subash Ghai traded barbs on who was responsible. Fingers were also pointed at the performances of Anil Kapoor and Jackie Shroff and this was one of the few controversies SRK quietly walked away from.

U for United Producers and Distributors Association Forum

Being a producer himself, SRK was thick in the middle of the 2009 Bollywood producers’ strike. Initially the TV channels just focused on rivals SRK and Aamir coming on one platform.

W for Whiteness Creams

While stars and cricketers have got flak for endorsing any and every product they can get their hands on, SRK got maximum flak for selling a skin whitening cream—and that too for men!

(7 reasons Indians are the most racist in the world)

W is also for Wankhede Stadium. A grand fracas after a match (that KKR won!) led to SRK being banned from the stadium.

(The badshaah of Bollywood extends his domain)

X for Xerox

A Xerox of Dilip Kumar. A copy of Amitabh. That’s how his acting was described when he started out his career. Then there was that hamming label. That way, he has come a long way with his performances in Swades, Chak De India and MNIK.

Y for Yale University

On his way to give a speech in Yale, SRK was again detained by airport security yet again in 2012. Then it was third time unlucky in Los Angeles in 2016.

(His name is Shah Rukh Khan and US won’t (ever) stop detaining him)

Y for is also for Yash Chopra. While SRK and the Chopras have shared an excellent relationship, the very first movie Darr had Sunny Deol crying foul over the way his role was cut to size and the ending was shot and edited without him being taken into confidence. The media reported that they didn’t talk for years after that.

Z for Zaara, the Pakistani girl

When Veer-Zaara was released, Pakistan President General Pervez Musharraf was very upset with the negative portrayal of Pakistan. Luckily, that did not escalate into anything nasty.

© Sunil Rajguru

(First version posted on February 24, 2010 and has been updated multiple times)

Also read…

Shah Rukh Khan’s career through trilogies…

Major Shahrukh Khan versus ACP Pradyuman

Neither Big B nor SRK: Can Incredible India think beyond film stars?

King Khan: A king for debut directors, too!

Kejri and his parallel universe…

Other people take a break when they work too much.
Kejri takes a break when he Tweets/alleges too much.
‪#‎Vipassana‬

Modi is so frustrated that he can have me killed.
Translation—I am so supremely frustrated and desperate that I just thought that up!
‪#‎Kejri‬

In Hollywood’s Wag the Dog, they create a fake war.
In Bollywood-style India, Kejri has made a complete fake universe around himself.

Modi may kill me: Kejri.
Kejri may kill me: Asim.
‪#‎AAPception‬ (AAP + Inception + Deception)

After blasting AAP, Sidhu can still join with his head held high because he is already part of two industries: Entertainment and politics.

If an AAP leader sets off a nuclear bomb in Delhi and is arrested, Kejri will Tweet…
Modi just arrested AAP man.
He’s not letting us work.

Not just ‪#‎Sidhu‬.
‪#‎Churchill‬ was a party hopper.
So is ‪#‎Trump‬.
And about half of India’s Prime Ministers too.

Why blame ‪#‎Sidhu‬?
About half of India’s Prime Ministers were party hoppers.
‪#‎Morarji‬ ‪#‎Charan‬ ‪#‎VPSingh‬ ‪#‎ChandraShekhar‬ ‪#‎Gujral‬ ‪#‎Gowda‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

US Presidential election musings…

Advisor 1: If Hillary becomes Prez, First Lady will become what?
Advisor 2: Ask Bill.
Advisor 1: Sir, First Lady?
Bill: LOL! First Lady? I am on my 2000th Lady!

Democrat: If our system was perfect, then Trump would never have been nominated.
Republican: If our system was perfect, then Hillary would be in jail by now.

For media, liberals, intellectuals, Leftists, seculars and DNC, Hillary is the messiah and Trump is an anti-Christ.

If you are perplexed at how Modi won and Trump is winning, it means you read/watch too much of mainstream media.
Social media trends are rarely wrong.

For those still thinking that Trump is “fringe” and “pariah”, know that 14 million people have already voted for him!
‪#‎RepublicanPrimaries‬

Bill’s charisma pushed her to the Senate.
Barack made her Secretary of State (out of guilt?).
DNC made her a Presidential candidate.
Self-made?

Democ(linton)rats.

In a fair election, Sanders may have beaten Hillary.
By settling with a DNC apology and endorsing Hillary—he’s betraying his own supporters.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The never ending Indian political musings…

1000 crimes in WB—Yawn!!!
1000 crimes in Bihar—I love Lalu!!!
1000 crimes in UP—Ignore till Dadri.
1 crime in Modi’s BJP-ruled State—This is Sparta!!!

Student: Bharat tere tukde!
Liberal: Wah wah! Maja aa gaya!
Citizen: Bharat Mata ki Jai!
Liberal: Sanghi! Bigot!
Arnab: India first!
Liberal: Pathetic journalism!

#‎SleepingBeautyRahul‬
Ye bechaara kaam ka maara, ise chaahiye chhutkaara.
Congress: Par hum denge ise party President ka tiara.

Advisor: Apologize or we will have a lengthy court case.
Pappu: Suits me. I have nothing to do. Ye sab accha time pass hai!
‪#‎RSSCase‬

In 2009 the BJP was done and dusted.
Social Media biggest factor in its revival.
If BJP cracks down on Social Media, backlash will be colossal.

Log poochte hain ki Modi sahab videsh main itna khush kyun rahate hai.
Arre bhai Bharat main to kucch log unko 24X7 gaali dete hai, to kaise khush rahe?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

July 2016 Status Updates

All-in-one Indian cities.
Venice during rains.
Celebrating Earth Hour during power cuts.
Ghost towns in the night.
War zones during the day.

(July 29)

Q: So what are your priorities after the coup?
Erdogan: Infrastructure.
Q: ?
Erdogan: Jails. I need many more jails. I don’t know where to put all these people!

(July 28)

#‎BangaloreStudents‬
April-May: Summer Vacations.
October: Dussehra Vacations.
December: Christmas Vacations.
July: Transport Bandh Vacations.

(July 27)

Being Human is totally incorrect.
On screen he’s Superhuman.
Off screen he’s Inhuman.
‪#‎Bhai‬

(July 25)

Christopher Nolan can still make Inception 2 and claim that Inception 1 was all a dream and the sequel is the real world movie.

Listen to a talk or interview and count to the number of times a person says “You know!”
It’s an epidemic.

(July 20)

#‎TerrorAxe‬
‪#‎TerrorTruck‬
‪#‎TerrorCar‬
‪#‎TerrorPlane‬
‪#‎TerrorCycle‬
‪#‎TerrorBelt‬
‪#‎TerrorShoe‬
‪#‎TerrorSuitcase‬
‪#‎TerrorUnderwear‬
‪#‎TerrorChildren‬

(July 19)

2004: Masti.
2013: Grand Masti.
2016: Great Grand Masti.
2018: Super Great Grand Masti?

Cook can break Sachin’s Test records.
Kohli/Amla can break Sachin’s ODI records.
Nobody can breaks Hobbs’ record of 61,760 First Class runs.

(July 16)

Why the 3 Khans never age…
Salman
1989 bachelor—Maine Par Kiya
2016 bachelor—Sultan
Aamir
1984 student—Holi
2009 student—3 Idiots
SRK
1996 Major—Army
2012 Major—Jab Tak Hain Jaan

(July 12)

The irony…
A living Saddam leads to tens of thousands of deaths.
A dead Saddam leads to hundreds of thousands of deaths.

Breaking the eardrums.
Breaking all logic.
Breaking the country.
Breaking the peace.
Breaking each other’s necks.
Anything but breaking news.

(July 11)

What if a lab finds more fat content in certain Indian foods than burgers and pizzas?
‪#‎KeralaFatTax‬

(July 9)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

How fresh is Hollywood’s creativity?

A look at the Hollywood $1 Billion Dollar Club (worldwide box office gross) and the year in which the idea of the movie was created—that is the year when the event, the original first book of the series was published or when the original movie of the sequel/remake came out.

1. 2009. Avatar.

2. 1912. Titanic.

3. 1977. Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

4. 1993. Jurassic World.

5. 1963. Marvel’s The Avengers.

6. 2001. Furious 7.

7. 1963. Avengers: Age of Ultron.

8. 1997. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

9. 2013. Frozen.

10. 1963. Iron Man 3.

11. 2015. Minions.

12. 1941. Captain America: Civil War.

13. 1984. Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

14. 1937. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.

15. 1953. Skyfall.

16. 1984. Transformers: Age of Extinction.

17. 1939. The Dark Knight Rises.

18. 1967. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.

19. 1995. Toy Story 3.

20. 1967. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

21. 1993. Jurassic Park.

22. 1977. Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace.

23. 1865. Alice in Wonderland.

24. 2016. Zootopia.

25. 1937. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

26. 1939. The Dark Knight.

Break-up…
19th Century: 1.
1900-25: 1.
1926-50: 5.
1951-75: 6.
1976-2000: 8.
2001-16: 5.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

No matter how low Hillary sunks, they’ll attack Trump…

2008.
Obama: Bush is the establishment. I’m the anti-establishment.
Slogan: Yes we can.
2016.
Trump: Obama is the establishment. I’m the anti-establishment.
Slogan: Yes we can make America great again.

Even when the millionth scandal/revelation comes about Hillary, the mainstream media will still exclusively continue to attack Trump 24X7.

Democrats: We condemn Trump’s proposed wall to keep out Mexicans, but we’ve built a 4-mile fence at convention site to keep out Americans.

All Trump has to do is keep replaying Obama’s 2008 and Sanders’ 2016 campaigns against Hillary and sit back and enjoy the fun.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#‎TurkeyPostCoupCoup‬

Cold Turkey: The abrupt cessation of a s̶u̶b̶s̶t̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ democratic dependence and the resulting unpleasant experience.

Had a coup actually taken place, then thousands would have been arrested, sacked, emergency declared, human rights convention suspended…
Oh wait…

If it takes 20 years to build a democracy, it takes just 20 days to annihilate the complete democratic infrastructure.
‪#‎Turkey‬ ‪#‎Pakistan‬

Erdogan’s slogan…
Yes we can…
…put as many people as we want in jail.

Famous last words…
This State of Emergency is to save the nation’s democracy.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The vicious circle in Kashmir

The sheer hopelessness of the never-ending violence spiralling out of control in Kashmir…

Separatists: Hum eenth ka jawab pathar se denge.

Police: Hum pathar ka jawab pellet se denge.

Terrorist: Hum pellet ka jawab bullet se denge.

Army: Hum bullet ka jawab… Well you saw what happened to Burhan Wani.

And beyond that is all out war with Pakistan.

1947-48: Kashmir War.

1965: Rann of Kutch Conflict.

1965: Indo-Pak War.

1971: Bangladesh War.

1984: Siachen Conflict.

1990s: Militancy in Kashmir.

1999: Kargil War.

2000s: Terrorism in Kashmir.

2010s: Difficult to shake off the above mentioned legacy.

© Sunil Rajguru

If Pappu had to formally apply for the post of Indian Prime Minister…

Dear glorious citizens of India,

I would like to apply for the post of Prime Minister of India. First let me tell you a bit about myself.

Professional qualifications: I have studied something in some foreign universities and I did some work somewhere for some time, but please don’t ask anything more about all of it. I don’t like talking about all these experiences. You have to take my word for it.

Government experience: I have never been a central minister or Chief Minister or anything like that as it requires a lot of hard work. I have never been a bureaucrat. I have never been part of committees that did something ground-breaking. I inherited the constituency of Amethi in Uttar Pradesh and I have been hanging around in the
Lok Sabha (on and off) for a whopping 12 years now. But in my defence, that is far far more experience than any Nehru-Gandhi dynast had when he or she took over as Prime Minister.

Speeches: This is my biggest body of experience. I have made millions and millions of speeches in the length and breadth of this great land, in rural and urban centres and for Assembly and general elections. I believe I am already the most experienced speech giver in my party.

So what if I spout nonsense from time to time. So what if my speech writers appear to be imbeciles? So what if I’m met by empty venues at times? So what if none of my speeches can be converted to votes? So what if most of them are disastrous?

Please look at my immense body of work and honour it.

Social media presence: I have already become a legend in the social media circuit. If you combine all the word counts and images of all the Pappu jokes, spoofs and laughs on Twitter, Facebook and the like, then I have already surpassed the combined publicity of the entire Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty manifold.

Haven’t you heard of the phrase: There is no such thing as bad publicity! Even on YouTube, the 1 hour plus interview with Arnab Goswami making a fool of myself got a good 3.2 million views. The channel was really happy. In fact all media houses really adore me.

As it is most wise men are insisting that Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross Domestic Product. Think how much laughter and happiness I will be able to give to the country of India when I become Prime Minister!

My recent achievements: Our friend Kejriwal thrashed Modi in Delhi. The Mahagatbandhan thrashed Modi in Bihar. Modi got thrashed in Uttarakhand President’s Rule fiasco. Modi got thrashed in Arunachal Pradesh President’s Rule fiasco.

Even when Modi is not getting thrashed I am totally useless and Modi is doing so much work. Yet the media, intellectuals and liberals attack Modi far far more. That’s the power of my personality. If I become Prime Minister, I will have the entire mainstream media, intellectuals and liberals eating out of my hand. That hasn’t happened to Modi, has it?

My trump card: So why should I be made Prime Minister? It’s simple really.
1. My great grandfather was Prime Minister.
2. My grandmother was Prime Minister.
3. My uncle was de facto Prime Minister.
4. My father was Prime Minister.
5. My mother was de facto Prime Minister.

That’s five good reasons while the mean chaiwallah had none and still you made him Prime Minister! I am the system (at least I was till 2014) and therefore only I can really change the system.

Anyway, please do not worry as I am in no hurry. If things go wrong with the chaiwallah then I automatically win in 2019. If things go right then there’s always anti-incumbency in 2024. Even if that fails there’s always 2029 and 2034.

I can emulate Manmohan Singh chachaji. He became Prime Minister quite late. Come to think of it Morarji Desai first became Prime Minister at the age of 81! I will turn 81 in 2051. So that’s how long you have to bear me! Better to make me Prime Minister as early as possible and get it done with!

(P.S. When I finally become Prime Minister, I will require more than six months of vacation in a year. But I am very happy with the chaiwallah for setting precedence. I will simply try to break his foreign trips record. I can holiday for one month at a time and maybe have just a couple of chai meeting with foreign leaders to justify it! Chaiwallah zindabad! Actually come to think of it, I can simply take a vacation till 2019! Hmmm… how tempting!)

Yours in good earnest,

Pappu.

(In case you haven’t guessed it, this is a spoof about Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi)

© Sunil Rajguru

Yet another brand new innings for Sidhu the Great

Cricketer turned Commentator turned Convict turned Comedy Show Star turned Chief Minister?

Kevin Pietersen played the switch hit on the field.
Right to Left.
Sidhu played the switch hit off the field.
Right to Left = BJP to AAP.

Strokeless Wonder-Palm Grove Hitter.
Cricketer-Commentator (English-Hindi).
Reality Show Judge-Reality Convict.
Lok Sabha-Rajya Sabha.
BJP!-AAP?

For every State the BJP gains, it loses an MP.
Not a bad bargain actually.

Sir are you Out of the BJP?
Sidhu: Please wait for the decision of the Third Umpire.
‪#‎AAP‬ ‪#‎PunjabPolls‬

The BJP just lost Punjab.
(But then they never really had it in the first place)
‪#‎Sidhu‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru