The reality of the Modi-Pappu-Kejri media coverage through a PJ…

In an exam paper, Modi got 80/100 and Kejri got 0/100.
Kejri screamed, “Modi failed to get 100 by 20 marks!” a few dozen times.
Media reported: Modi failed by 20 marks.

Pappu couldn’t even give the paper.
Sonia said, “Had he given the paper, he would have got 100/100.”
Media reported: Pappu narrowly misses getting 100/100.

Final headline…
Pappu best candidate. Kejriwal best challenger to Modi.

(And that’s how we are comparing a man with Zero days experience as Chief Minister with a man with 49 days experience as Chief Minister with a man who has 4500+ days experience as Chief Minister)

© Sunil Rajguru

Just call it secular and wash away its sins…

In India, we have two pairs of glasses: Secularism and Communalism.
Depending on which pair you wear, the same thing can look totally different.
Note: The glasses are monopolized by one group only…

Secular X riot = Secular.
Communal X riot = Genocide.

Secular X Hate speech = Freedom of speech.
Communal X Hate speech = Fascism.

Secular X Very strong leader = Statesman.
Communal X Very strong leader = Hitler.

Secular X Journalist = Independent.
Communal X Journalist = Severe bias.

Secular X Gasbag = Intellectual.
Communal X Intellectual = Gasbag.

Secular X Corruption = Clean chit.
Communal X Allegations = Criminal.

Secular X Weak foreign policy = Diplomacy.
Communal X Strong foreign policy = Alarmist.

Secular X Status message = Power of Internet.
Communal X Status message = Section 66A.

Secular X Distorian = Historian.
Communal X Historian = Distorian.

Secular X Politician = Incorruptible.
Communal X Politician = Guilty.

Barack Obama X Revenge by voting = Secular.
Amit Shah X Revenge by voting = Communal.

Narendra Modi X Any good thing = Communal.
Sonia Gandhi X Any bad thing = Secular.

LK Advani X Rath Yatra = Communal.
LK Advani X Anti-Modi = Secular.

Any citizen remotely supporting Modi = Communal.
Any citizen soundly attacking Modi = Secular.

Post script…
India is a sovereign socialist secular democratic republic.
If he wins on May 16, Modi haters will declare India a communal fascist state.

© Sunil Rajguru

Our dear ole accidental Prime Minister…

Sanjaya Baru calls Manmohan Singh an accidental Prime Minister.
Par accident to India ka hua na?

Sanjaya Baru’s book is fiction: PMO.
That Manmohan was ever PM itself is fiction: Citizen.

Manmohan Singh’s biography…
The Accidental Prime Minister.
Rahul Gandhi’s biography…
The Accident.

MMS = Minion of Madam Sonia.

Baru ne kee MMS pe vaar,
Abki baar Modi sarkar.

Jag main sundar do hai naam,
Chaahe remote control kaho ya rubber stamp.
—Sonia Mata.

1992: Everyone knows Babri demolition planned.
2014: Breaking News! Babri demolition planned!
2004: Everyone knows MMS is Sonia stooge.
2014: Breaking News! MMS is Sonia stooge!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Modi general election musings…

The BJP actually released its manifesto way back on September 13, 2013.
It was the shortest one ever and read…
Modi is our PM candidate.

Modi is like Windows.
The moment you take his name in a debate, the debate hangs and gets stuck.

Which is bigger:
Anti-Congress wave or pro-Modi wave?
Which is smaller:
Pro-Congress wave or anti-Modi wave?
Does it exist:
Any non-Modi non-Congress wave?

Modi hater: Do you think India will ever move on from 2002.
Correct question: Will the Modi hater ever move on from 2002?
Answer: No.

No agreement on…
World: Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?
India: Did Modi mastermind Godhra or not?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Abki baar Modia sarkaar musings…

Abki baar Modi sarkar,
= Aakhri baar Dynasty ki sarkar.

Why not start campaigning for 2019…
Abki baar Modi sarkar,
Agli baar bhi Modi sarkar.

Ye manifesto kya cheez hai yaar?
Ab ki baar Modi sarkar.

The D4 slogan…
Ek, do, teen, chaar,
Ek, do, teen, chaar,
Chaaro milke saath chale to kar de chamatkar,
Par ye kya hai yaar,
Abki baar Modi sarkar.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

AAP election campaign musings…

They claimed…
ABC of national politics = AAP, BJP, Congress.
The reality…
ABC of irrelevance = AAP, BSP, CPM.

Is thappad ki goonj suni tumne? Ab is ki goonj ki goonj tumhe sunai degi, sunai degi…
—Dr Dang.
Is thappad ki goonj suni tumne? Ab is ki goonj ki goonj tumhe sunai degi, sunai degi saare news channels par 24X7.
—Mr Kejriwal.

The pattern…
1. Kejriwal attacked.
2. Attacker thrashed by AAPians.
3. Modi indirectly blamed.
4. Attacker turns out to be AAP/ex-AAP/an Aam Aadmi.

If the AAP is a B-Team of the Congress, then Rakhi Sawant’s Rashtirya Aam Party looks like a B-Team of the AAP.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India T20 WC final loss musings…

India ki ho gayi WC main haar,
Ab ki baar Modi ki sarkar.

What the Yuvraj giveth to Team India in 2007 & 2011, he taketh away in 2014.
What the Yuvraj giveth to Congress in 2009, he taketh away in 2014.

Change in captaincy?
Dhoni chooke lene ICC trophies chaar,
Ab ki baar Kohli ki sarkar.

Rahane-Yuvi-Dhoni: 18(36)
beat Kohli: 77(58).

Who would have thought?
After beating the greatest captains in the world, Dhoni loses to captains Rohit (IPL final) and Malinga (WCT20 final).

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Differences between Rahul Dravid and Rahul Gandhi…

Dravid: Did all the work and someone else got the limelight.
Gandhi: Did absolutely nothing and still got the limelight.

Dravid: Saved India on many an occasion.
Gandhi: India needs to be saved from him.

Dravid: The Wall—Nothing could go past him.
Gandhi: The Gate—Everything goes through him.

Dravid: Retired at 38.
Gandhi: At 38 was still a political baby.

Dravid: People were ready to walk miles to watch him bat.
Gandhi: People want to walk miles away when he speaks.

© Sunil Rajguru

The ultimate Ab ki baar Modi sarkar rhyme…

Ab ki baar aar ya paar,
Ab ki baar no daraar,
Ab ki baar Delhi is not far,
Pappu PM only in jocular,
Pakki hai Congress ki haar,
Hil gaya Delhi ka durbaar,
Milega use ek naya avatar,
Milenge naye naye shikaar.
Ab ki bar Modi sarkar.

There’s only one charcha in the bazaar,
Only one conversation in every car,
In each and every seminar,
While gulping pizza or idli-sambhaar,
Or even eating caviar,
Only one man is on the radar.
Ab ki bar Modi sarkar.

It’s the ultimate political interwar,
This country has become bipolar,
Desh ke beech main hai deewar,
Par kahe cop, general aur tehesildar,
Bole neta, kisan aur zamindar,
Kahe jawaan, manager aur jamaadar,
Even the student who does ratta maar.
Ab ki bar Modi sarkar.

Detractors kahe ye hain brutal tsar,
Godhra kahe baar baar baar,
Par hai ye bandha superstar,
Yaane ke simply stellular,
BJP ka hai ye lodestar-polestar,
Hai ye Saffron ka renewed waar,
Dega apne opposition ko zabardast maar,
Badlega Bharat ka sansaar,
Ab ki bar Modi sarkar.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Ab ki baar Kohli ka waar…

Form is temporary, Kohli is permanent.

There is one department in which Virat Kohli is a total Zero.
He simply can’t play the dot ball!

Jab captain ho Dhoni,
Aur batsman ho Kohli,
Jab sub-continent pe spinners,
Tab India hai winners.

Gavaskar—King when Tests ruled.
Tendulkar—King when ODIs ruled.
Kohli—King when T20s rule.

Therefore, India’s slogan before every cricket match…
Ab ki baar Kohli ka waar.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian political parties and their equivalents…

Congress = CPM Lite.

Naxalism = CPM Extreme.

BJP = RSS Lite.

VHP = RSS Extreme.

Bajrang Dal = VHP Extreme.

Shiv Sena = BJP Extreme.

MNS = Shiv Sena Extreme.

Trinamool, NCP, YSR, AAP… = Congress Franchises.

SP, JD(U) = Secularism Extreme.

ADMK = DMK 2.0.

BSP = Maya. Maya = BSP.

BJD = Naveen. Naveen = BJD.

RJD = Laloo. Laloo = RJD.

Finally, sadly, for most Indians…

AGP = NPF = MNF = UDP = …

© Sunil Rajguru

Thus spake Kejriwal…

Kejriwal bolta media paid hai…
Shazia Ilmi, ex-Star.
Ashutosh, ex-Aaj Tak-IBN7.
Manish Sisodia, ex-Zee News-AIR.
Anita Pratap, ex- Time magazine-Indian Express.
Ashish Khetan, ex-Tehelka-Gulail.
Rakhi Birlan, ex-Jain TV.
Jarnail Singh, ex-Dainik Jagran.

Kejriwal bolta chargesheeted politicians and those with court cases—politics chhodo!
Kejriwal: Dharna case, multiple code of conduct violations.
Bharti: Pulled up by court, vigilante raid case.
Ashutosh-Shazia: BJP headquarters’ attack case.
Manish Sisodia: Fined in Sibal defamation case.
Many AAP Lok Sabha candidates: Many criminal cases.

Kejriwal bolta India ka capitalism crony hai
Kejriwal, ex-Tata Steel.
Meera Sanyal, ex-CEO and Chairperson of Royal Bank of Scotland.
V Balakrishnan, ex-CFO Infosys.
Somnath Bharti, ex-Madgen Solutions.
Dilip Pandey, ex-TCS.

Kejriwal blasts establishment…
Thus spake Kejriwal, ex-IIT, ex-IRS, ex-Chief Minister.

Post script…
Kejriwal says all politicians are bad.
Kejriwal is a politician.

© Sunil Rajguru