When Bilawal Bhutto wanted every inch of Kashmir…

Dear Bilawal,
First try to take Pakistan from the Pakistani Army.
Then fantasize about taking Kashmir from the Indian Army.

Zulfikar: We’ll eat grass but build the bomb.
Benazir: We’ll eat grass but build self-destructing militancy.
Bilawal: We’ll eat grass.

Bilawal: Why is our country called Pakistan?
Papa: P for Punjab, A for Afghania, K for Kashmir…
Bilawal: What? We’ll take back Kashmir!!!

Bilawal Bhutto heard it as…
Doodh maangoge to kheer denge,
Kashmir maangoge to beer denge.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When Scotland went on a referendum…

How does it feel to be the First Minister of Scotland?
Alex Salmond: Sigh! I was hoping it would be: The First Prime Minister of Scotland!

David Cameron walked into a bar and said…
One Scotch (Independence) on the rocks please.

13th Century Scotland: Freedom!!!
England: No!!!
21st Century England: Freedom???
Scotland: No!!!

America 2008: Yes we can.
Scotland 2014: No we can’t.

So is Alex Salmond the Last Rebel of Scotland?

When you break free, it is a Declaration of Independence.
So is the Scottish referendum a Declaration of Dependence?

Most referendums are…
Will you marry me?
The Scotland referendum was…
Will you not divorce me?

Despite the Scotland No vote, the United Kingdom is still not very United and nor is it really a Kingdom.

Rural India saved the Nehru-Gandhi monarchy many a times.
Rural Scotland saves the English monarchy.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Modi-BJP musings…

A DD news anchor read XI Jinping as 11 (Eleven) Jinping.
A Chinese anchor should take revenge and read MODI as 1000-0-500-1.

Under Modi paradoxically both Indo-China co-operation and rivalry will increase.

Analysis in advance…
BJP wins: (It was) Communal Polarization.
BJP loses: Communal Polarization (didn’t work).

BJP hires partisan BJP leaders for Governors.
–>Hmm, OK.
BJP hires neutral former Chief Justice for post.
–>All hell breaks loose.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

More on the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty…

Films of…
Pappu: The Man Who Would be Prime Minister.
Sonia: The Last Queen of Scamland.
Manmohan: On Her Majesty’s (Not So) Secret Service.

Report: Rs 51 lakh spent for maintenance at Sonia’s house.
Question: Has India spent Rs 51 lakh crore for maintenance of the Dynasty so far?

Like Mr India, Sonia Gandhi is a superhero called Mrs India.
She becomes totally invisible when media discusses scams, policy debacles and UPA2 disasters.

Manmohan: I was not in charge.
+ Sonia: I wasn’t the PM.
= Nobody was responsible for the UPA2 debacle.

Congress to all its detractors…
Kyun (Vinod) Rai ka parvat bana rahe ho?
‪#‎ScamsterMMS‬ ‪#‎UPA2‬ ‪#‎Coalgate‬ ‪#‎2G‬ ‪#‎NotJustAnAccountant‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

It’s all about the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty…

The mother of all plans…
Plan A: Senior Dynasty member.
Plan B: Junior Dynasty member.
Plan C: Wait for some other Dynasty member to grow up.

When things go right: All credit goes to the Dynasty.
When things go wrong: No blame goes to the Dynasty.

Every day…
Wake up thinking of the Dynasty. Listen to the Dynasty. Praise the Dynasty. Defend the Dynasty. Bow to the Dynasty. Sleep thinking of the Dynasty.

404 seats: Mera Dynasty Mahaan.
44 seats: Phir Bhi Mera Dynasty Mahaan.

Before election…
Rahul Gandhi Congress Bachao Yojana.
After election…
Rahul Hatao Priyanka Lao Yojana.
Narendra Modi Congress Dubao Yojana.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

More Imran Khan-PTI musings…

Pakistan is not a State.
It is a loose alliance of generals, politicians, US officials and terrorists.

Indian men watching Pak turmoil on news channels.
Indian women watching serene Pak soap operas on Zindagi.
Now all we need is an Indo-Pak cricket match for the sports channels.

It’s quite simple actually.
In Pakistan, night (dictatorship) always follows the day (democracy).
Also, the day is as dark as the night.

Imran Khan’s jingle for Pakistan is…
Boore din aane waale hai.

Lose elections.
Become irrelevant.
Lay siege to a capital.
Do lots of drama.
Rubbish journalists.
Party infighting.
24X7 TV coverage.
Iconic leader good at everything but politics.
‪#‎AAP‬ ‪#‎PTI‬

Imran Khan is the boy who didn’t even own the bat and got out and continued batting claiming that the bat was his.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When Imran Khan tried to take over Pakistan…

Sometime in 1947…
That this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the army, by the army, for the army, shall not perish from Pakistan.

Imran Khan and Arvind Kejriwal are twins.
The only difference is that while the former is backed Generals, the latter was backed by Editors.

Pakistan today…
Mr Sharif: The power behind the PM’s chair.
General Sharif: The power behind the power.
America: The power behind the power behind the power.
Imran: Just behind power.

Nawaz Sharif: Head of democracy.
Raheel Sharif: Head of army.
Imran Khan: Head of anarchy.

Why New Pakistan?
Just rename it Pachaosistan.

Aide: Forget Imran, he’s going cuckoo.
Nawaz: I’m more worried about Pakistan going coup-coup.

Team Imran Khan lost all its wickets in 2013 but is curiously still batting in 2014.

Pakistan main Army kabaab hai aur democracy haddi.

Batsman: Nawaz Sharif.
Bowler: Imran Khan.
Umpire General Raheel Sharif: Koi baat nahin, no ball pe no ball feke jao.

Pakistan’s biggest enemy is not India, but Pakistan.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

August 2014 Status Updates

Terrorists believe in…

In cricket, Imran Khan was a fine bowler and captain and wowed the spectators.
In politics, no bowling or captaining: Just lead the spectators to rioting.

(August 27)

A Tale of Three ODI 200s…
South (Africa) ki bajayi Sachin ne.
West (Indies) ki bajayi Sehwag ne.
East (Australia*) ki bajayi Rohit ne.
Note: England is in the North.
(*Australia=Eastern side of world map.)

If somehow all these Ice Buckets could be transported from the West to parched areas in the rest of the world… now that’s a real Challenge!

(August 25)

The perpetual foreign Test rain song…
Rain rain go away,
come again another day,
India wants to lose today.

(August 11)

If looks could kill, you’d be arrested.
#BangalorePolice #SuspiciousBehaviour #Vagabonds

(August 8)

Modi is playing a Test match.
His detractors are giving commentary pretending that he’s playing a T20 match.

(August 4)

No-one can beat my shirtless acts: Salman.
Pantless beats shirtless any day: Aamir.
P.S. Plus both together!
#PK #MoveOverSunnyLeone

(August 3)

India won by pace and bounce. #Lords
England won by spin. #Southampton
Call it the Crossover Series. #IndVsEng

(August 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

The selfie dictionary…

Words that exist or should exist thanks to the selfie…

Selfie: A picture taken by oneself of oneself.

Gelfie: Group selfie.

Delfie: Dying as a result of a selfie or dying immediately after taking a selfie.

Adelfie: Addiction to selfies.

Infinitelfie: Taking a selfie in front of the mirror to get the infinite reflection effect.

Celfie: Selfie from your (prison) cell.

Celfie: Celebrity selfie.

Pelfie: Political selfie, Obama’s being the most famous.

Belfie: Taking a selfie of one’s butt.

Relfie: Relationship selfie.

Welfie: Selfie boasting of your wealth.

Telfie: Tummy selfie.

Prelfie: A selfie profile picture.

Twelfie: A selfie on Twitter.

Melfie: Male selfie.

Felfie: Female selfie.

Felfie: Farming (agricultural) selfies.

Chelfie: A child taking a selfie.

Helfie: A selfie focusing on hair.

Jelfie: Joint selfie.

Lelfie: A selfie of the legs.

Nelfie: A selfie of the neck.

Shelfie: A selfie in front of your bookshelf.

Welfie: Selfie of your workout.

Stelfie: Taking a selfie by using a selfie stick.

Mobselfie: Using a mobile.

Camselfie: Using a camera.

Selfie-virgin: Someone who has never taken a selfie.

These versions/compilation by Sunil Rajguru

Real, not faking news…

Dead AAP activist becomes alive.

Don to be Interpol ambassador. (SRK)

Alia Bhatt uses her stupidity to do something really smart.

Millions of people (including celebrities) world over start pouring cold water on themselves.

US, Israel, Iran, Syria, Iraq, Saudi Arabia… think of getting together. (To counter ISIS)

Advani finally retired.

India beat England by 133 runs in England.

Suresh Raina hits blistering century outside the sub-continent.

Putin accused of shooting down neutral civilian passenger plane.

Imran Khan attempts civilian coup against Nawaz Sharif.

On many days, Kejriwal gets zero news coverage.

Germany beats Brazil 8-1 in Brazil in a World Cup.

NDTV indirectly supports Israel. (Hamas story)

Israel attacks Gaza, Arab world least bothered.

Australia post 300 in ODIs, still lose, third time in a year.

Sheila Dixit toppled both as Chief Minister and Governor within a year.

Would have been considered faking news before elections…

BJP gets 282 Lok Sabha seats.

Amit Shah to become BJP President.

© Sunil Rajguru

Latest Indian political musings…

The 71-0 rule…
71% illegal coal block allocations took place under Coal Minister Manmohan Singh and yet most news reports gave him 0% coverage.

Sequels are rarely better than the original.
Pappu: But we had planned a threequel where I was to come at the end!
‪#‎UPA1‬ ‪#‎UPA2‬ ‪#‎UPA3‬‬‬‬

Very soon, all Indian bookshops will have a separate section on UPA exposes.
‪#‎Baru‬ ‪#‎Parakh‬ ‪#‎Natwar‬ ‪#‎Rai‬‬‬‬‬

Advani looked retired in 2004.
Virtually retired in 2005.
Should have retired in 2009.
Looks fully retired in 2014.
‪#‎2019Polls‬ ‪#‎IllBeBack‬‬‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Nehru-Gandhi dynasty musings…

A Gandhi story…
Beginning: Once upon a time there was a Gandhi (Mahatma).
Middle: Indira, Sanjay, Rajiv and Sonia all ruled.
The End: Pappu.

Pakistan: Either the Army rules or its puppet.
India: Either the Dynasty rules or its puppet.
India changed in 2014.
Pakistan will never change.

The Dynasty is at its End of Days.
The leadership is finished.
Good time to join the Congress.
You could be the next PM in 2024 or 2029!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru