Mainstream media in India…

Congress does something bad.
—Silence.
Congress misdeeds confirmed.
—Silence.
Social media goes batshit crazy over Congress misdeeds.
—Reluctantly starts coverage.

Rumour of BJP doing something bad.
—Goes batshit crazy.
When rumour turns out to be wrong.
—Silence.

Rumour of Modi doing something bad.
—Spppaaarta!!!! X 10.
When rumour turns out to be wrong.
—Desperately searches for new lie to continue Sparta-ing.

© Sunil Rajguru

When Rahul baba finally came back…

Q: What is your strategy?
Sonia: Chalo Pappu beta, summer vacation khatam. Uncle ko strategy ka spelling batao!

A latest survey says that 67% people feel that Pappu can revive the Congress while its 76% for Pappini and 101% for the mother.
(100% secretly admit that the Congress cannot be revived)

When Ram returned, it was celebrated as Diwali every year.
Since Pappu has returned on April 16, Congress can celebrate it as Diwaliya Day every year.

Theme songs.
Pro-Pappu camp…
Aayega, aayega, aanewala aayega…
Anti-Pappu camp…
Oh jaane waale, laut ke fir na aane waale…

Sign outside Pappu’s office…
If he’s In then he’s as good as being Out.
If he’s Out then nobody knows when he’ll be In again.

For Congress…
Chappan din ki chaandni, fir andheri raat hai.
‪#‎RahulReturns‬

BJP—Acche din aane waale hai!
Congress—Pappu din aane waale hai!
(Always waiting for his return)

rAhul.
pAppu.
A stands for absent.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Blame It on Rio India series…

Blame It on the Nephew—Suresh Raina.

Blame It on the Driver—Sallu Bhai.

Blame It on the Friend—Kambli.
(Sequel: How I Fired My Friend which itself was a sequel to How I Fired My Friend by Sachin Tendulkar)

Blame It on MMS—Sonia.

Blame It on Sonia —MMS.

Blame It on Congress leaders—Pappu.

Blame It on Pappu—Congress leaders.

Finally the biggest blockbuster of them all…

Blame It on Modi with sequels from 1 to infinity by Opposition leaders, media, the civil society, activists…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The great fall of Rahul Gandhi…

2001: Pappu will join politics soon.

2002: Pappu will join politics soon.

2005: Pappu will join government soon.

2006: Pappu will join government soon.

2009: Pappu will be PM soon.

2010: Pappu will be PM soon.

February 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

March 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

April 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

© Sunil Rajguru

Pappu & Nehru musings…

#‎PappuMovies‬
The Gaayab Yuvraaj.
Pappu Hindustani.
Swades Ya Pardes?
Mother of Mr India.
Ab Tak 0.
Baby.

Actually the IQs of Nehru, Rajiv and Pappu are exactly the same.
Only the opportunities they got were different.

Pioneer Nehru…
‪#‎1stSnoopgate‬: Spying on the Boses.
‪#‎1stAttackOnFoS‬: 1st Amendment.
‪#‎1stInternationalScam‬: Jeep scandal.
‪#‎1stMajorScam‬: Mundhra case.
‪#‎1stLandLoss‬: Kashmir.
‪#‎1stWarLoss‬: China.

What Advani achieved at the age of 87, Pappu achieved just at the age of 44!
(Becoming totally irrelevant)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

No matter what, Modi is always wrong…

2002-14…
When Narendra Modi is the Chief Minister of Gujarat, then everything bad that happens in Gujarat is his fault.
2014-…
When Mamata Banerjee is the Chief Minister of West Bengal, then everything bad that happens in West Bengal is the Prime Minister’s fault.
Note: this applies to every State in India.

Hans Christen Anderson…
The emperor’s new clothes = Naked.
Indian mainstream media…
The Prime Minister’s new clothes = Rs 10 lakh sorry Louis Vuitton sorry…

The priceless logic…
People insulting Sonia (1-2) should quit.
People insulting Modi (1000-2000) should stay put.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

First Kejri is the Guru, then he’s chalu…

Evolution of YoYa and PrBh…
2013: Down with the dictatorship of the Congressi!
2014: Down with the dictatorship of the Modi!
2015: Down with the dictatorship of the Kejri!

Kejri: 49 days ho rahe hain, I’m itching to quit. Do something!
Advisor: I’ve organized Delhi CM’s march to Jantar Mantar on April 22 against ‪#‎LandBill‬.
Kejri: Excellent!

New Delhi’s Sultans…
14th century—Muhammad bin Tughluq.
21st century—Arvind bin Kejriwal.

TV news songs…
Is zameen se aasman tak raasto se kaarwaan tak, Kejri hi Kejri hai, doosra koi nahin.
Jab AAP hi toot gaya to, ab jeeke kya karnege.
Ye National Executive post agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Freedom quotes from India’s Second Independence movement…

If 1947 gave us a Congress government, 2011 gave us an AAP government…
Some befitting modified slogans…

Tum mujhe vote do, main tumhe nautanki doonga.

Long years ago, we made a tryst with nautanki and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge… At the stroke of the midnight hour, when India develops, Delhi will awake to nautanki and absurdity.

Nautanki is your birth right and you shall have it!

First they (TV news channels) hype you, then they (pretend to) fight you, then they (make everyone) vote for you, then the TRP ratings win.

Nautanki Zindabad.

Quit Governance.

Nautanki karo ya maro.

Kaam haram hai.

A nautanki for a nautanki will only end up making the world fully entertained.

Be the nautanki that you want to see in the world.

Nautanki Jayate.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#AAP history repeats itself first as a tragedy and then as a farce…

2013-14…
Media—Behold! Kejriwal is the Messiah!
AAP does well in Delhi polls.
Kejriwal becomes Chief Minister.
Kejriwal implodes, media blasts Kejriwal.

2015…
Media—Behold! Kejriwal is still the Messiah!
AAP does exceedingly well in Delhi polls.
Kejriwal becomes Chief Minister.
Kejriwal-AAP everything totally implodes, media blasts Kejriwal.

2020…
Media—Behold! Forget the past and know that Kejriwal is still the Messiah!
AAP…

© Sunil Rajguru

Hell will freeze over, but not the nautanki…

Annaji ke teen bandar…
Kejri: Do only nautanki.
YoYa: See only nautanki.
PrBh: Hear only nautanki.
Latest: YoYa & PrBh tired of just seeing and hearing.

A nautanki a day keeps Doctor Governance away.
—The CM in charge of Patient Delhi.

Kejri evolution…
AK-28.
AK-49.
AK-67.
AK-Zero.

Kejri thinking, “I can’t believe it! Things have been going to plan for 4 years running. I knew people were dumb, but not this dumb!”

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pakistan cricket crisis musings…

Pak Chief Selector—I don’t care, I want a second Misbah!
Selection committee searches records and finds Azhar Ali (65%) has a lower ODI career strike rate than Misbah (74%) and makes him captain.

Misbah-ul-Haq is the greatest Test batsman in the history of ODI cricket.
AB de Villiers is the greatest T20 batsman in the history of ODI cricket.
Virender Sehwag is the greatest ODI batsman in the history of Test cricket.

How Afridi was selected for 5 World Cups despite flopping miserably…
1999—Baccha hai, seekha jaayega!
2003—Baccha hai, seekha jaayega!
2007—Baccha hai, seekha jaayega!
2011—Baccha hai, seekha jaayega!
2015—Baccha hai, seekha jaayega!
2019—Baccha hai, seekha jaayega!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

March 2015 Status Updates…

Modi—Swacch Bharat Abhiyan.
Pappu—Swacch Videsh Abhiyan.
Kejri—Swacch AAP Abhiyan.
Aus—Swacch World Cup Abhiyan.

(March 29)

It has taken 61 years.
But the Bharat Ratna is finally in the hands of a politician who was never part of the Congress.
‪#‎ABVajpayee‬

(March 27)

Before, when Netanyahu looked to be losing…
Obama: I will deal with the next Israeli Prime Minister.
Now…
Netanyahu: I will deal with the next US President.

(March 23)

Why aren’t you protesting the Land Acquisition Act all over India?
Pappu: I am busy working on the Congress Acquisition Act to become President and take charge.

(March 22)

Number of regions Pakistan can’t control no matter how hard it tries…
Kashmir.
Afghanistan.
Balochistan.
Punjab.
Sindh.
Khyber Pakhtunkhwa.
Gilgit–Baltistan.
FATA.

(March 21)

The Holy Trinity of Cricketing Jokes…
Jadeja, Ishant and Rohit.

What if newspapers carried only edits, columns and opinion pieces on the front page and most pages?
Well that’s exactly the average Indian TV news channel for you.

(March 19)

Ireland: 3 wins.
England: 2 wins.
Zimbabwe: 1 win.
Guess which team has been kicked out of World Cup 2019 after that performance.

(March 15)

The truth is that despite everything, Pappu and Kejri will still be sold as great Prime Ministerial candidates in 2019.

(March 13)

What after iWatch?
In 50 years…
iClothes iShoes iGlasses iFridge iTV iSofa iCar iHome iPlane iMoney iSpaceship iGovernment iPlanet…

1991: Singh is Reform King.
2004: Singh is Wild Card King.
2009: Singh is King.
2015: Singh is Coalgate King.

All in all it’s just another “300 brick” in the 2015 World Cup wall.
‪#‎ScoVsSL‬ ‪#‎CWC2015‬ ‪#‎300pe300‬

(March 11)

Rohit gets out on 64.
Thinks: Waise bhi aaj koi double century ka chance nahin tha!
‪#‎IndVsIre‬ ‪#‎CWC2015‬

Common man: Lakhpati.
Middle class: Crorepati.
Businessman: Arabpati.
Industrialist: Kharabpati.
Scamster: Neelpati.

(March 10)

India + Pakistan + Sri Lanka + Bangladesh + Afghanistan.
England + Ireland + Scotland.
That’s 8 teams forming the British Empire versus the Indian sub-continent.

Don’t mock England—it wins one World Cup in every sport once in its life…
1966: FIFA World Cup.
2003: Rugby World Cup.
2010: T20 World Cup.
Next: Hockey?

(March 9)

Dear minnows,
You have been ruled out of World Cup 2019, not 2015!
Start playing please!
‪#‎AusVsAfg‬ ‪#‎PakVsUAE‬ ‪#‎IreVsSA‬ ‪#‎Cricket‬

After giving a great fight in the first half of the World Cup, minnows back to…
How much do you want us to improve your run rate?
‪#‎PakVsUAE‬ ‪#‎IreVsSA‬

Today’s World Cup match…
Team 1: We are Sharjah.
Team 2: We just don’t want to be Harjah!
‪#‎PakVsUAE‬ ‪#‎Cricket‬

(March 4)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru