How the Twitter outrage industry works…

The Nirbhaya rapist interview is being aired!
Spaaartaaa!!!!!

Actually its part of some documentary where even Nirbhaya’s parents are talking.
Oh, OK!

But how did the Modi government allow access to the prisoner in the first place!
Spaaartaaa!!!!!

Actually UPA2 gave permission some time back.
Oh, OK!

But now the Modi government is banning the documentary!
Spaaartaaa!!!!!

Actually it’s some technicality over violation of permissions and it will be available on the Net.
Oh, OK!

But isn’t this a violation of freedom of speech and expression?
Spaaartaaa!!!!!

Actually our constitution doesn’t give the same rights to prisoners as normal citizens.
Oh, OK!

I am sick of all the controversial times I am living in! Add all the past controversies to the above controversy and I’m going…
… Spaaartaaa!!!!!

© Sunil Rajguru

The Terminators of Indians cricketer (I’ll be back!)…

Mohammed Azharuddin…
2000: Disgraced, life ban for match-fixing.
2009: Elected Lok Sabha MP.
2012: Clean chit from court.

Jagmohan Dalmiya…
2005: Disgraced and ousted from BCCI.
2007: Clean chit from court.
2015: Back as President.

N Srinivasan…
2015: Disgraced and ousted from BCCI.
<20__>: Clean chit and back as President.

© Sunil Rajguru

More Misbah and Pakistan musings…

Pakistan finally wins!
Burst all the firecrackers.
Pata nahin agla ‪#‎MaukaMauka‬ kab milega.

The times they are a changing…
1992—Pakistan defy all odds to win the World Cup.
2015—Pakistan defy all odds to beat Zimbabwe in the World Cup.

Thanks to Akmal’s drops, Pakistan always needs 12-14 wickets.
Thanks to Misbah’s dot balls, Pakistan bats in a virtual 40-over match.
Thanks to Afridi’s age, the average age of Team Pakistan is always low.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Misbah and Pakistan musings…

Misbah-ul-Haq is the greatest Test batsman in the history of ODI cricket.
AB de Villiers is the greatest T20 batsman in the history of ODI cricket.
Virender Sehwag is the greatest ODI batsman in the history of Test cricket.

Pakistani cricketer Misbah-ul-Haq’s biggest inspirational story in life is that of the hare and the tortoise.

The ODI strike rate of Misbah-ul-Haq…
20 years back he would have been a great ODI player.
20 years hence that pace won’t even make it to Tests.
Misbah: Leading the anti-T20 revolution well into 2015.

It’s already March 1 and Pakistan is still seeking its first international win of 2015.
‪#‎CWC2015‬ ‪#‎Tests‬ ‪#‎ODIs‬ ‪#‎T20s‬ ‪#‎PakVsZim‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

February 2015 Status Updates

LK Advani, Pappu and Yogendra Yadav can get together and form a new political party.

News…
45 journalists, some Congress and few BJP leaders under cloud.
Headline…
French cruise for BJP leader Nitin Gadkari!
‪#‎EssarLeaks‬

The party dilemma…
Sonia: I’m tired of this nonsense. I want to quit and hand over charge to Pappu.
Congressmen: But he’s nonsense. We’re tired of his nonsense.

AB de Villiers: I have the fastest 150!
Chris Gayle: I have the fastest 200!
Rohit Sharma: Bitch please! I have the fastest 250!

(February 28)

Yesterday…
Revoke the Test status of Bangladesh and Zimbabwe.
Today…
Revoke the ODI status of England and Pakistan.

Congress spokespersons routine…
Sleep all day.
TV media calls, get up and rant happily against BJP/AAP/JDU/Whatever.
Go back to sleep.

(February 21)

With each passing day Manmohan looks even more woeful.
At this rate history will judge him even worse than Gujral, Gowda and Charan Singh.

Tum patthar phekte raho,
main unka mahal banata rahunga.
‪#‎NaMo‬
‪#‎Rs10LakhSuitFalsehood‬ to ‪#‎Rs3CroreSuitReality‬

Kejriwal: Forgive me for resigning as CM!
Gets 67 seats!
Nitish: Forgive me for resigning as CM!
May also get 67 seats in the upcoming Bihar elections.

(February 20)

Coast Guard guy…
What I meant to say was…
Kaddu chaaku pe gire ya chaaku kaddu pe… katega to kaddu hi na?
‪#‎PakTerrorBoat‬

Media: Dus ko main dus lakh karke dikha du!
Modi: Aur maine us dus lakh ka ek crore kar diya!
‪#‎ModiSuitAuction‬

It’s like asking…
Did the suicide bomber pull the trigger first or was he shot first?
‪#‎PakTerrorBoat‬

(February 18)

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”
—Evelyn Beatrice Hall (not Voltaire).
Required in India today…
“I disapprove of what you say and I will never defend (forget to death) your right to say it, but I will at least not get violent over it!”

(February 11)

The Grammys are even more diluted than the Padma Shri.
About 100 Grammy statuettes are doled out each year for a grand total of 8000+ so far.

(February 9)

Progress…
2004: Baazee.com CEO arrested over lewd CDs being sold via site.
2015: Newsvendors selling newspaper with Charlie Hebdo cartoons arrested.

Offendia: An India where everyone keeps getting Offended over everything for no rhyme or reason.

The American Conundrum…
Defeat Hitler.
Communist Russia takes its place.
Defeat Communism.
Al-Qaeda takes its place.
Defeat Al-Qaeda.
ISIS takes its place.
Defeat ISIS…

Pakistan made Kashmir a terrorist State.
Then said: If we can’t get it, we will turn Pakistan into Kashmir.
So they made Pakistan a terrorist State.
Kashmir meanwhile limps back to normalcy.

(February 5)

What was ‪#‎AIBRoast‬?
About a dozen guys insulted each other really badly 90% of the time.
So what’s the problem?
They insulted someone/something else in the remaining 10%.

(February 4)

Q: What are your views about Jayanthi Natarajan’s outburst?
Pappu: That is an example of women empowerment!
‪#‎LetterBomb‬

(February 2)

Last time a court case went against a Nehru-Gandhi dynasty member, we had Emergency.
Next time Emergency will have to be imposed within the Congress party.
‪#‎NationalHeraldCase‬

Budget for Khan films…
Happy New Year (SRK): Rs 125 crores.
Dhoom 3 (Aamir): Rs 125 crores.
Kick (Salman): Rs 100 crores.
Add money for marketing and promotion and theoretically a Rs 100 Crore Club film can still be a loss.

(February 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Batsmen go crazy musings…

West Indians all…
Highest Test score: Lara—West Indian.
Highest ODI score: Rohit—(West) Indian. (Mumbai)
Highest IPL score: Gayle—West Indian.
Highest First Class score: Lara—West Indian.

With West Indies it’s either Gayle or Ghayal.
‪#‎SAVsWI‬ ‪#‎CWC2015‬

South Africa ne Indians ka badla West Indians pe nikaala.
‪#‎SAVsWI‬ ‪#‎408for5‬

According to the Theory of Relativity, Marlon Samuels 133 off 156 is one of the slowest ODI innings of all time.
‪#‎GayleStorm‬ ‪#‎Gayle215‬ ‪#‎ZimVsWI‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Latest political musings…

The RSS…
Making statements since 27-09-1925.
Ignored since 15-08-1947.
24X7 media coverage since 16-05-2014.

Bengal War I—CPM beats Congress.
Bengal War II—Trinamool beats CPM.
Bengal War III—BJP versus Trinamool (Result in 2016).
Beaten in all wars—People of West Bengal.

Congress: NDA repackaging UPA policies.
Means…
If you say NDA is bad, then UPA was also bad.
If you say UPA was good, then NDA is also good.

Indira and Sonia Gandhi became Congress President after exactly Zero years’ experience as MP.
That way Pappu has been MP for 10 years.

Congress leaders trying to convince people that Pappu is taking Make in India seriously.
“He’s holidaying in Uttarakhand and not Thailand!”

Now showing in 2015…
Return of the CM.
‪#‎ArvindKejriwal‬
‪#‎NitishKumar‬
‪#‎MuftiMohammadSayeed‬
Somehow hoping…
‪#‎Jayalalithaa‬

Congress worker: Actually Pappu went on leave in 2004.
We are wondering whether he’ll ever come back.
‪#‎WhereIsRahul‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Let’s give each other the Bharat Ratna Game…

The “You scratch my back, I scratch yours” troika of founding fathers…

In 1954, Jawaharlal Nehru recommended that Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan get the Bharat Ratna and Rajendra Prasad conferred it to him.

In 1955, Jawaharlal Nehru recommended that Jawaharlal Nehru get the Bharat Ratna and Rajendra Prasad conferred it to him.

In 1962, Jawaharlal Nehru recommended that Rajendra Prasad get the Bharat Ratna and Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan conferred it to him.

Like father like daughter…

In 1971, Indira Gandhi recommended that Indira Gandhi get the Bharat Ratna and VV Giri conferred it to her.

In 1975, Indira Gandhi recommended that VV Giri get the Bharat Ratna and VV Giri’s successor conferred it to him.

© Sunil Rajguru

When Pappu went on long leave…

Sonia will go on earned leave, Pappu on forced leave and Priyanka can’t take leave because she’s never worked in her life.

If Pappu quits the Congress, then it will be the biggest ‪#‎BlowToModi‬ ever.
A new decent leadership might actually put Congress on the path to revival.

Politics is in your shirt.
Politics is even in your sabbatical.

Pappu: Main chutti lena chahata hu.
Congress: Arre! Aapki ki toh May 16 2014 ko hi chutti hui thi.
Workers: Chhutta nahin hai bhai, aage jao!

Pappu is the only politician who went on sabbatical the day he joined politics.
He keeps re-appearing enough times to just to retain membership of his organization.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Has anyone heard of Windsor Manor?

I went to Windsor Manor (now ITC Windsor) after years.

Most of the autowallahs looked at me as if I was talking about a foreign country.

Old Airport Road? JP Nagar? They queried. I think only the 10th or 12th autowallah had heard of it.

Sigh!

When I came to Bangalore in 1988, there were only 3-4 5-stars including Windsor Manor which was a landmark and every autowallah knew it very well.

Windsor Manor was also the famous setting for Kamal Haasan’s Pushpaka Vimana film in 1987 (The Windsor Manor bridge scene with the dead beggar is iconic) and was once the hub of the high and mighty.

New Bangalore has slowly been crushing Old Bangalore out of existence and at least people like me have been denying it for years.

When the Kiwis thrashed the Poms at #CWC2015…

Reference: New Zealand ODI 20 February 2015.

During supper break…
England team: We are not hungry.
The cook: Yeah I saw you all devouring huge helpings of humble pie all day.

Duke of Wellington won the Battle of Waterloo in 1815.
The English met their Waterloo at the Battle of Wellington in 2015.

England is not even the best ODI cricket team in the British Isles.

Some time back Ab de Villiers hit 149 runs off 31 balls.
Today England hit 123 runs off 33.2 overs.
Angrezo, chullu bhar paani main doob maro!

England lost an ODI.
Had Brendon McCullum not got out, New Zealand would have won a T10 match.

Pre-McCullum era = 123 runs off 33.2 overs.
McCullum era = 105 runs off 7.1 overs.
Post-McCullum era = 20 runs off 5.1 overs.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru