Will Afridi really retire one day?

One day many years back Afridi said he was retiring…

…since then the iPhone was invented, Musharraf retired, Bhutto was assassinated, a Saudi King died, Bush retired, Kim Jong-il died, Osama was captured, the Arab Spring happened, Mangalyaan was announced and became successful, Modi went from pariah to PM…

…and Afridi is still “retiring”.

© Sunil Rajguru

April 2015 Status Updates

Congress ruins West Bengal.
CPM ruins the ruins.
Trinamool show no matter how bad things get they can still get worse.

The only place where Modi has failed spectacularly is TV studios.
He’s made a pretty OK beginning everywhere else.

(April 28)

Modi’s political career…
2002—Declared dead.
2007—Declared dead.
2009—Declared dead.
2011—Declared dead.
2013—Declared dead.
2019—Declared dead.

(April 20)

Evolution of Pappu…
2004: New wine in new bottle?
2009: Old wine in new bottle?
2014: Old wine in old bottle!
2015: Ancient wine in ancient bottle.

Pak Ruler: Howz our strategy of bleeding India with 1000 cuts going?
Advisor: Actually there are a million cuts.
Ruler: Excellent!
Advisor: Umm… it’s we who have ended up with a million cuts.

Dear Government,
First try to get Sonia/Pappu to give their foreign travel details to tax authorities and then pick on the common man.

(April 18)

65 MPs write a letter to Obama.
Obama replies to 1.25 billion Indians.
‪#‎ObamaOnModi‬ ‪#‎TimeMagazine‬

Congress to send a spokesperson to counter Modi on his foreign tours.
(Translation: Not just in India, we want to be a global laughing stock too)

(April 17)

Jawaharlal Motilal Nehru.
Ja______ __ti__ Ne___.

(April 16)

The fall…
Nitish + Laloo + Mulayam + Gowda + Chautala = Just the 8th largest party in the Lok Sabha.

Poor sweet innocent MMS—Misled by Raja over 2G, Sibal over 66A, Kalmadi over CWG, Antony over Scorpene/Tatra, himself over Coalgate, IB over many things and by Sonia over everything else.

On Twitter, many spoof handles seem far more logical, convincing, witty and effective than the original handles.

Tum mujhe khoon do, main tumhe azaadi doonga.
Nehru-Gandhi dynasty…
Tum mujhe vote do, main tumhe ghulaami doonga.

(April 15)

Pakistan civilian government’s outsourcing…
Decisions: Army.
Security: US.
Finance: Saudis.
Law & order: Terrorists.
Brains: Filaal ghaas charne gayi hai.

(April 14)

If Hillary Clinton becomes President then interns won’t be safe in the White House again.

The next President of America…
Somebody the First
Clinton the Second
Bush the Third.

(April 12)

BBC-CNN-Al Jazeera covered India’s Yemeni evacuations in detail.
Indian TV channels matched that kind of coverage over VK Singh’s Tweets.

(April 9)

Emraan Hashmi.
Theme song for one movie…
You can call me X.
Theme song for all movies…
You can call me sex.

(April 7)

Manmohan’s progress …
2013 to himself: Main bekasoor hu!
2014 to voters: Main bekasoor hu!
2015 to CBI: Main bekasoor hu!
2016 to courts: Main bekasoor hu!
2017 to historians: Main bekasoor hu!

(April 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Pappu relaunch game is back again…

Pappu is like an old Windows computer which keeps hanging.
After every restart he is falsely presented as the latest OS.

Pappu lives in Lalaland and sometimes visits…
1. India.
2. Lok Sabha.
3. Amethi.
4. Some random hut.
5. Some railway bogie.

1848 Idea of Marx
= 1947 Idea of Nehru
= 2004 Idea of Sonia
= 2015 Idea of Pappu
= 20__ Idea of next dynast.
(P.S. Kejri—Mera bhi idea!)

Pappu questions Make in India.
India questions Make (all our Congressi dreams) in Pappu.

Insanity—Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Congress—Doing the same Pappu relaunch over and over again and expecting different results.

Pappu: A proletarian revolution will happen and the farmers will overthrow the bourgeoisie.
Farmer: But sir, you are the bourgeoisie!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

AAP ke nautanki ke aasu…

Ekta Kapoor type K soaps…
Kapil cries.
Kambli cries.
Khurshid says Sonia was crying.
Kejriwal was crying says Ashu who then cries himself.

National School of Drama.
Liars Institute of Technology.
Marx School for Vigilante Raids.
TV Institute of Looking Good.
Diggy Raja School of Spin.

Kejri: Delhi banjar zameen hai. Voters fasal hai. Bas ab paani ki zaroorat hai.
Ashu: Uska main abhi intazaam karta hu.

Haste hue aate hai sab,
Rota hua jo jaayega,
Woh muqaddar ka bandar jaaneman kaha laayega.

Sonia is unhappy.
Kejri is sorry.
Ashu is crying.
Aur development gaya tel lene.

Koi rota (Ashutosh).
Koi sota (on roads at night).
Koi bhaagta (Kejri again).
Koi jaata (too many).
Koi natak. Koi ghatak.
Koi khaas. Koi superkhaas.

Figure it out…
AAP holds rally.
AAP continues rally despite death.
AAP volunteers accused of obstruction.
Victim’s family blames AAP.
AAP apologizes, cries, still blames other parties.
AAP first to Tweet and cry conspiracy.
English news TV channels—All parties are playing shameful politics!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

AAP continues to sink musings…

Kejri always thinks really big.
At this rate he will become India’s worst politician ever since 1947.

How he should be introduced…
The Supreme Leader, His Exalted Highness Shri Shri Shri VVVVIP Arvind Kejriwal ji ji padhaar rahe hai.

I promise only 50%.
Meaning “Main hoon Aam Aadmi” becomes…
“Main hoo”.
(Also applicable on Mujhe chahiye S̶w̶a̶r̶a̶j̶)
—Arvind Kejriwal

Kejri is part of a secret Congressi plot.
Kejri will look so bad by 2019 that even Pappu will look really good by then.

We promised free Wi-Fi/Water/Power but since the media is satisfied with free entertainment, the voters should be satisfied too.

Even if Congress, BJP, RJD, JDU, JDS, TMC… combine they can’t give the 100% nonsensical entertainment that the AAP can give 24X7.

Kejri apologized for quitting in 2014.
Got 67 seats in 2015.
Kejri apologized for AAP rally death.
Will be forgiven 67 times this year for mistakes to come.

Paanch Saal Kejriwal…
2 months down.
Just 58 more to go.
Ye to sirf shuruwaat hai.
Aage aage dekhiye hota hai kya.

The Triumvirate…
Yogendra Yadav: More irritating that Manish Tiwari.
Ashutosh: More idiotic than Pappu.
Kejriwal: Smoother and oiler than Laloo.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

IPL8 musings…

With Rs 5 lakh you can buy a small car or a foreign holiday or a minute of Dhoni’s time or CSK—lock stock and barrel!
‪#‎PoorSrinivasan‬ ‪#‎IPL‬

Vijay Mallya…
Mere paas UB hain, UB City hai, Kingfisher hai, F1 hai, Gayle hai, De Villiers hain, Kohli hai, Starc hai… tere paas kya hai?
N Srinivasan…
Mere paas Maa(hi) hai!
(Waise ICC aur BCCI aur even IPL management bhi hai!)

Wednesday: Kahan hai Gaylestorm?
Thursday: Le le hailstorm!

Hot potato…
Two Test triple centuries.
Dropped from Test team.
Most IPL centuries (4) and MoM awards (16).
Dropped from CSK game.
‪#‎Gayle‬ ‪#‎IPL‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#PappuMeows after sabbatical…

Nehru was suited-booted.
Rajiv was suited-booted.
Vadra is suited-booted.
Pappu is suited-booted.
Pappu attack—Modi=Suit-boot ki sarkar.
Abe bootni ke, ye kya ho raha hai?

Pappu’s political career…
2014—Burnout complete.
2015—Relaunch, peak and burnout at the same time.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them by TV news channels.

Modi: Suit-boot.
Kejri: Shoot and scoot.
Pappu: Shoot and scoot in a suit-boot.

Suit-boot ka Saudagar.
Suit-boot ki kheti.
Mass suit-boot maker of Godhra.
Suit-boot fekne waalah.
Acche suit-boot din aa gaye.
Abki baar suit-boot ki sarkar.

The very fact that MMS survived as PM is an achievement.
The very fact that Pappu speaks is an achievement.
The very fact that Sonia exists is an achievement.

Ancient philosopher…
The soul is eternal. It keeps relaunching itself into a new body.
Congress leader…
Pappu is eternal. He keeps relaunching himself into a new image.

Escape velocity of Jupiter
+ Once in a blue moon entry
+ Foreign holiday in Thailand
= Kisaano ka Raja Pappu.

Pappu was launched with the escape velocity of Jupiter and still didn’t take off.
Congress meanwhile wants women empowerment. (Pappini to take charge)

2004: Pappu 1.0.
2008: Pappu 2.0.
2009: Pappu 2.1.
2011: Pappu 3.0.
2013: Pappu 4.0.
2014: Pappu 4.1.
2014: Pappu 4.2.
2014: Pappu 4.3.
2015: Pappu 5.0.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Mainstream media in India…

Congress does something bad.
Congress misdeeds confirmed.
Social media goes batshit crazy over Congress misdeeds.
—Reluctantly starts coverage.

Rumour of BJP doing something bad.
—Goes batshit crazy.
When rumour turns out to be wrong.

Rumour of Modi doing something bad.
—Spppaaarta!!!! X 10.
When rumour turns out to be wrong.
—Desperately searches for new lie to continue Sparta-ing.

© Sunil Rajguru

When Rahul baba finally came back…

Q: What is your strategy?
Sonia: Chalo Pappu beta, summer vacation khatam. Uncle ko strategy ka spelling batao!

A latest survey says that 67% people feel that Pappu can revive the Congress while its 76% for Pappini and 101% for the mother.
(100% secretly admit that the Congress cannot be revived)

When Ram returned, it was celebrated as Diwali every year.
Since Pappu has returned on April 16, Congress can celebrate it as Diwaliya Day every year.

Theme songs.
Pro-Pappu camp…
Aayega, aayega, aanewala aayega…
Anti-Pappu camp…
Oh jaane waale, laut ke fir na aane waale…

Sign outside Pappu’s office…
If he’s In then he’s as good as being Out.
If he’s Out then nobody knows when he’ll be In again.

For Congress…
Chappan din ki chaandni, fir andheri raat hai.

BJP—Acche din aane waale hai!
Congress—Pappu din aane waale hai!
(Always waiting for his return)

A stands for absent.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Blame It on Rio India series…

Blame It on the Nephew—Suresh Raina.

Blame It on the Driver—Sallu Bhai.

Blame It on the Friend—Kambli.
(Sequel: How I Fired My Friend which itself was a sequel to How I Fired My Friend by Sachin Tendulkar)

Blame It on MMS—Sonia.

Blame It on Sonia —MMS.

Blame It on Congress leaders—Pappu.

Blame It on Pappu—Congress leaders.

Finally the biggest blockbuster of them all…

Blame It on Modi with sequels from 1 to infinity by Opposition leaders, media, the civil society, activists…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The great fall of Rahul Gandhi…

2001: Pappu will join politics soon.

2002: Pappu will join politics soon.

2005: Pappu will join government soon.

2006: Pappu will join government soon.

2009: Pappu will be PM soon.

2010: Pappu will be PM soon.

February 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

March 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

April 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

© Sunil Rajguru