Current political musings…

Tangled up in notes
I’m sending you a note.
Note a good idea.
But it’s led to a loss of crores of currency notes!
You ‘note’y boy!

Overheard
US: What would I do without you?
Pak: But you never had me!
US: Then let’s divorce!
Pak: But you’ll still have to pay me alimony!

The curious case of the liquor baron
Wanted to launch an airline, but didn’t.
Saw his poor neighbour do the same.
Pestered him to sell out.
On failing, launched an airline himself.
Finally managed to take over neighbour’s above mentioned airline.
Curiously renamed it “Red”, a financially inauspicious term.
Shut down Red.
Turbulence in the air.
Turbulence on the ground.
Turbulence in the head.
And Red’s gonna to be dead.

Motto: Don’t gimme Red!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

What Manmohan Singh said (and didn’t say)

I trust my ministers fully (to make mistakes).

The BJP cannot topple us (as we are capable of falling on our own).

There is no dissension in the Cabinet (nobody ever listened to anyone anyway).

We have got a mandate to rule from 2009-14 (So please stop asking about things that happened before 2009 and keep quiet till 2014).

No matter what we will stay the course (even though we are on course for disaster right now).

World economic crisis is deepening (so stop bugging me about national inflation, price rise etc).

The people of Palestine have a right to have their voice heard (but the people of India, please shut up).

The Delhi blast is a grave reminder for us regarding terror (we keep getting such reminders all the time and are totally used to it by now).

Development must be in tune with “felt needs” of the people (“felt” refers to only what the Congress feels).

Nuclear energy is the future (of all agitations across India).

I salute Anna Hazareji (only because PC’s kick totally failed).

The BJP is behaving like a proper Opposition (how improper!)

© Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan Singh’s magic wand…

Rs 32 per day poverty line limit: Crores become rich overnight.

Alcohol classified as food: Millions of drunkards suddenly become well-fed.

Throw BJP MPs in jail: Voila! Bribe becomes entrapment!

Give dole to crores of villagers for votes: Call it Mahatma Gandhi NREGA.

Squeeze Raja, Maran and Kanimozhi: Take away heat from self and PC.
(“Collective Responsibility” has been dressed with the Cloak of Invisibility)

Note: All tricks learnt at the Hogwash School of Indian Magic.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Just because you didn’t call or message…

Indian telecos apply for bankruptcy due to greatly reduced calls and SMSes…

Telecallers seek counselling over rising feeling of loneliness and worthlessness…

Indian mobile consumers feel strangely unwanted too…

Family discord sets in as consumers yell at their families in the absence of telecallers to vent steam…

Minister of Health and Family Welfare steps in to request the Telecom Ministry to reverse the decision to limit spam calls and SMSes in the interest of the health and welfare of all families in the country…

The Sensex tanks due to negative sentiment and the reverse domino effect pushes the global economy further into recession…

© Sunil Rajguru

2G musings…

Of course Manmohan has a magic wand to end corruption…
Jajajantaram Mamantaram Chidambaram…
Voila! He’s innocent!

World’s best boss…
Court: Why can’t you investigate him?
CBI: But I just gave him the World’s Best Boss Award!
Where is it now?
PC: I gave the award to MMS!
MMS: And I gave it to Madam!
Madam: And I’m saving it for beta!

2 be or not 2 be…
This year, Manmohan Singh completed 20 years as a politician.
So the 2decade old politico, the 2nd most powerful person in India into his 2nd term is leading a 2nd string government thanks to the 2G scam…
…and UPA2G has been reduced to a Tu Tu Main Main slanging match all round.
Touche!
What will Hamlet Singh do now?

Meanwhile, singing is heard in two party headquarters, one by an 83-year-old man and one by a 41-year-old youth…
Hum honge Pradhan Mantri, hum honge Pradhan Mantri ek din,
Ho ho ho ho,
Man main hain vishwas, poora hai vishwas…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

…Static from Pakistan…

… Rabbani ki jawani… Haqqani ki qurbani…  Kayani ki manmaani… SOS to US… US to use Pak… Pak to use US… US-Pak useless… Amreeka-Pak bhai bhai… Amreeka-Pak bye-bye… ISI US you… Sab ka hai bhool… Ulta har usool… Khatre main sabki jaan… Phir bhi Amreeka mahaan… Doublespeak Wikileak… Come and take a peek… Obama ka drama… Osama ka hungama… Musharraf in a huff… International handcuff… Zardari harakiri… Pak terror baby… Deadly Headley… To be or not to be… Major Iqbal ka jaal… Sab hain behaal… Lashkar bas kar… Jeeta tera darr… Pak ka kata nak… Kya karega Barack… 26/11 nahin hai 9/11… Bhoolo 11/7 aur 13/7… Bharat chal hat… Stay in your rut… Dawood n the hood… Any moolah’s jolly good… Ilyas still the boss… India can stay cross… Osama se Pak O fasa… Terror itihaas racha… CIA’s no to ISI… ISI’s no CIA… Nuke ki bhook will puke… Zara tu ruk… Kam tamaam… Balm’s the harm… Kya cool hai hum… Barood, terror, bomb aur gham…

This version by Sunil Rajguru

A new way to measure wealth in India…

If you have Rs 33 per day in India, then you are rich.

There are 121 crore Indians.

So with Rs 3993 crores, you can make each and every Indian rich for a day.

A Forbes billionaire can make every Indian rich for approximately a day.

Hasan Ali can make every Indian rich for about a fortnight.

Mukesh Ambani can make every Indian rich for about a month.

The only person who can make India rich for more than one month is Andimuthu Raja.

Bottomline: So how wealthy are you?
That depends on how many Indians you can make rich for how many days.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Post-death Facebook apprehensions…

∙ I registered a million cumulative Likes on Facebook in my life and yet everybody hated me!

∙ Does heaven have Facebook?
Even one in hell will do!

∙ Have I secured my Facebook legacy?

∙ Section of a will…
My bequeath my Facebook Password to my account, which has 2235 Friends, 3456 Status messages, 2356 Likes and memberships to 456 Groups to ….. …..

∙ The last message conundrum…
If I get someone to post “I’m Dead” as my last Status Message and it gets a 100 Likes, then are people appreciating my Status or are they happy that I’m dead?

© Sunil Rajguru

The Circle of Social Networking…

Step 1. A competitor comes out with a change.
Step 2. Facebook changes overnight.
Step 3. We resist, scramble, grumble, complain…
Step 4. We totally get used to it. Many new users join in.
Step 5. Immediately go back to Step 1.

∙ Facebook  has mastered the art of penniless acquisitions.
Instead of taking over Twitter, it cannibalized the Twitter Status Update.
Instead of fighting Google+, it simply became Facebook+.

∙ The Facebook Evolution…
From: What’s on your mind?
To: I know what’s on your mind!

∙ Another Facebook related change…
From now on, WTF! will stand for What The Facebook!

∙ Wanted, a self-help book…
Help! Who moved my Facebook?
Potential customers: 750 million and counting.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Some political musings…

Superlatives
Fast. (Anna)
Faster. (Modi)
Fastest: (Vaghela)

What’s in a name?
It is no longer United. (The PM disconnected from the rest of the ministers)
It is no longer Progressive. (Suppressing free thought, an initial toothless Lokpal Bill, a communal Communal Bill, rejecting a strong Sports Bill…)
It is no longer a close Alliance. (TMC tantrums, DMK going alone in the local polls…)
The UPA is fast unraveling.
Un-united Regressive Mis-alliance anyone?

The fast and the furious…
Everyone’s either going on a fast or pulling a fast one…
The political landscape is fast changing and Modi is fast finding acceptance…
But the only thing that matters is that prices and inflation are fast increasing and the common man is plain furious.

If Tihar re-organized its management…
Head of Telephone Exchange: A Raja
Head of Tihar Annual Games: Suresh Kalmadi
Treasurer: Madhu Koda
PRO: Amar Singh
Editor, Tihar Times: Kanimozhi
Coming soon (unconfirmed) on a two-week training programme…
Kiran Bedi, Om Puri, Prashant Bhushan & Arvind Kejriwal.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Some Federerisms…

The Fedex has been running on full steam from 2003 to Jan 2010.
Since then it’s unfortunately being Rogered.

The champ’s perspective…
One’s Lonely. (Federer)
Two’s Company. (Federer-Nadal)
Three’s a Crowd. (Federer-Nadal-Novak)

Will the Swiss Federer Reserve last through 2012?

If Nadal won’t get you, Novak will.
If Novak won’t get you, age will.
Aus Open 2012: Federer’s best chance.
Wimbledon 2012: Last chance?

2003: Roger in.
2012: Roger out?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru