The truth about kid shows…

Tom & Jerry: The ultimate ROI in history. Take the same episodes and telecast them a few thousand times over a few hundred channels and they still stay fresh. It was first made when my father was born. The same episodes I saw as a kid and the same episodes my son still watches and laughs non-stop.

Power Rangers: How to take the same ancient old wine and pour it into a different bottle season after season after season and still be a hit with kids…

Doraemon: How to have the coolest robot and the greatest gadgets in the whole planet and still emerge as the biggest loser (Nobita) in your neighbourhood.

Shinchan: God! Do such families actually exist? Or did the cartoonist make this character to make every parent good about his or her child?

Amar Chitra Katha: My favorite cartoon strip becomes a TV serial for my son. That’s progress, I guess!

Mr Bean: It’s OK for your kid to watch Mr Bean 100%, but not OK if your child behaves like Mr Bean even 1%.

Perman: With great power comes great idiocy.

Boobah: If you got high on grass and wanted to make something for 3-year-olds, then this would be it. The Pink Floyd of the toddler world.

Titeuf: If ever any cartoon deserved an X-Rating, then this is it.

Oggy and the Cockroaches: A favorite show to watch while eating? OK, I am old!

© Sunil Rajguru

So very typically Indian…

• An organizing official comes at the centre of a busy traffic intersection and says, “Great. This is the perfect place to hold the function and set up a pandal.”

• A political party secretary receives a criminal charged with murder, kidnapping and looting and says, “Finally, a serious candidate for the elections.”

• The power company official comes out and smells wet soil and says, “Ah! The smell of incoming rain! It’s time to shut power for this area!”

• An employee who comes exactly on time, leaves exactly on time and spends the weekends with his family is frowned upon: We “unofficially” want slaves who will be camped in office all day and at our beck and call on weekends!

• The Prime Minister is about to hire a minister when he is told that he is computer literate, internet savvy and active on sites like Twitter. “Change of decision, we don’t want troublemakers!”

• A politician is ostracized by his community for not being corrupt: He doesn’t fit into the scheme of things and will throw a spanner in the perfectly functioning works.

• All the movies released are full of songs and focus on romance in some form or the other and yet all of them claim to be different.

• Thinking out of the box will make you out of sync with the people around you and eventually you will be out of the general scheme of things.

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 18

• Six Degrees of Separation just got promoted to Five Degrees of Separation thanks to social networking!

• No matter which religion you follow in this world, there will be more people who do not follow that religion. So relax and make peace with your own God and live your own Life.

• Recently people are scared that Man created Life. But the biggest threat remains that of Man destroying Life.

• The only thing protected by Privacy is Facebook’s Privacy Laws—they are so obscure, dynamic and long that no-one actually knows what they are.

• Every poster remembering a politician has the phrase: “His vision lives on”. Yeah, that’s because no vision ever gets fulfilled in this country and continues to live on indefinitely…

© Sunil Rajguru

AG OG Lo-G 2G!

Please sing to the tune of My Name is Lakhan

Rum pum pum rum pum pum rumpa pupam pum pum…
AG OG Lo-G 2G!
Main hu Raja of 2G,
Karta hu main jo wo tum bhi karo ji,
1 2 ka 4, 4 2 ka 1,
My name is dhakkan, my name is dhakkan,
Spectrumo ka sajan,
Mera naam hai dhakkan.

Spectrum chakori, paisa hai license,
Suli pe latka hain har ek operator,
Sabke gale main.. Sabke gale main… Maya ka mala,
Seekho o yaaron inse ye dhanda, inse yeh dhanda.

Do saal seedhe bas delay kar ke, har spectrum becho jyaada bol ke,
Har spectrum becho jyaada bol ke,
Main apni khaali jebe bharu ji,
Karta hu main jo wo tum bhi karo ji,
1 2 ka 4, 4 2 ka 1,
1 2 ka 4, 4 2 ka 1,
My name is dhakkan, my name is dhakkan,
Spectrumo ka sajan,
Mera naam hai dhakkan.

Main kuchh na jaanu is-se jiyada,
Ye mera ministry, main iska dada,
Politics nahi itna seedha sadha,
Kaise karu kisi se bhi koi vaada?
Vaade hain jhuthe, paise sachhe ho tum,
Jaise bhi ho bade achhe ho tum,
Bade achhe ho tum…

Kehna coalition partners ka tum maan lo,
Achha bura hain tum kya jaano?
Tum kya jaano?
Kehta hu main jo wo tum bhi suno ji,
Maine suna nahi phir se kaho ji,
Nahi Number 2 koi dono ho number ho,
Main hu dhakkano ka dhakkan,
Spectrumo ka sajan, jiyo dhakkan dhakkan,
jiyo dhakkan dhakkan…

Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: My Name is Lakhan
Film: Ram Lakhan
Year: 1989)

The final status message…

Nowadays it’s become fashionable to log out of Facebook.
Some possible parting lines…

• How does one leave behind 1346 friends, 767 status messages, 143 likes, 2437 comments, 1887 causes and 234 quiz personality results? It is with a heavy heart that I consign all that to the dustbin of cyberspace. COL! (Crying Out Loud!)

• I am suffering from wristitis and fingeritis of the Facebook and have decided to quit on medical grounds.

• The day came when I just couldn’t write a Status Message anymore and I knew that it was time to go.

• This social networking ID has just checked out of the Facebook neighbourhood.

• Those all-day virtual Facebook parties have taken a toll on me. I quit.

• I would like to thank you for all the friend requests, comments, likes, support encouragement and requests for groups, activities, causes, events etc, but it is time for me to move on into the real world. I wish all my Friends the very best in Facebook.

Facebook hai hai, anti-privacy hai hai!

Jab tak suraj chand rahega, Facebook tu to nahin rahega…

• Fire, water and Facebook are good servants, but bad masters. I thought that I could master Facebook, but it has mastered me so I want out.

• I have found that it is next to impossible to delete my Facebook account, so I am changing the password and forgetting it. I don’t care if this account gets hacked.

• One day I noticed that my wife and kids weren’t there. Then the neighbours informed me that they had left for good 3 months back. Facebook you thief! I knew that I had to leave you then!

• So long, thanks for all the Likes!

• Oh God! I am still scarred from that virtual invasion of privacy. I need out.
(I almost felt like a celebrity.)

• It was like being a virtual fish in a virtual fishbowl while it lasted.

• For two years all of you virtually heard me out, gave me support in the form of likes, comments, causes and quizzes while we shared all the little little facets of each others lives. I will never ever forget you, but I have to leave you.

• Put a video link of the final scene of Terminator 2, where Arnold Schwarzenegger’s screen goes blank.

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 17

• You should get away from all Real and Virtual Humans from time to time to maintain your sanity.

• Cricket is a matter of life and death in India. So it’s really surprising how many times we fans have totally died and still continue to live peacefully and with hope.

• Elsewhere in the world, sport is religion. For Indian politicians, religion is a mere sport. Elsewhere in the world, work is religion. For Indian politicians, religion is work and a great and lucrative means of livelihood.

• It’s not the politician’s fault. His consumers are foolish voters and he is merely servicing them.

• It’s surprising how when faced with “Quit or Tweet” how many choose both.

© Sunil Rajguru

Some twisted and contemporary rhymes…

Rain rain don’t go away,
and still come again another day,
keep at it if you may,
I never believed in making hay…

Baar Baar Khelo,
Hazaar Baar Khelo,
Ki Khelne Ki Cheez Hai,
Indo-Lanka match,
What Ho?

(India, Lanka are almost a couple in cricket now)

Dum dum digga digga,
sab kuch digga digga,
road repair digga digga,
phone cables digga digga,
storm water drains digga digga,
Metro Rail digga digga,
main to gira,
main to gira hai….

(Almost fell into a digging zone today. Ye furious digging kab tak chalega???)

Kadam kadam badaye ja,
Chappal aur joote barsae ja,
Politicians ki band bajaye ja,
Ye corrupt hain politicians sab,
Tu politicians pe joote barsae ja…

Tu mera,
tu mera,
tu mera,
tu mera…
tu mera
Hero H1N1

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

Those responsible for the current debacle of Indian cricket…

The BCCI: For only being interested in money, being distracted by the IPL fiasco and not giving the team enough time to prepare for the T20 World Cup.

The Selection Committee: For selecting the wrong team and going by past reputations only.

The Coach: For not setting the correct WC strategy and not pushing hard enough.

The Captain: For his on-field decisions.

The Trainer and Physio: For not succeeding in keeping a fit team.

The Players Themselves: For not being fit, not fielding properly and not being 100% committed.

The IPL: For introducing fatigue.

Australia, Lanka and Windies: For playing better cricket than India and beating them.

The West Indies Board: For not making flat pitches.

Fortune: For not shining on India.

The Media: For going after the players, distracting them, not giving them support and demoralizing them.

The Fans: For having unrealistic expectations in the first place.

Itna sab galat hain!
And you actually thought that India was going to win the World Cup?

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 16

Privatization: The conversion of public assets to private ownership. Sometimes leads to controversy.
Publicization: The conversion of an Indian politician’s private thoughts and words to the public domain via media like Twitter, TV channels and spy cams. It is a hot trend in India and always leads to controversy.

• People talk of total Internet penetration and total computer penetration. Ha! The light bulb was invented about 200 years ago and we don’t even have total light bulb penetration in India, thanks to lack of electrification.

• The man who said impossible is a word in a fool’s dictionary could not even conquer the small island next door.

• What happened to all the Scorpios of the world when Pluto was downgraded of its planetary status? (Pluto is the modern ruler of Scorpio)

• God has made someone for everyone. But if he by mistake repeats the process once or more, is that the reason for divorce?

• If a Murderer gets a Life Sentence, then does a Husband get a Wife Sentence?

© Sunil Rajguru

Indian cricket ka safar hai ye kaisa safar

Please sing to the tune of Zindagi ka safar from the movie Safar

Indian cricket ka safar hai ye kaisa safar,
koi samjha nahin koi jaana nahin,
hai ye kaisa cricketer, dekhte hain sab magar,
koi samjha nahin, koi jaana nahin.

Indian cricket ko bahut pyaar hamne kiya,
haar se bhi mohabbat nibhaaenge hum,
rote rote zamaane mein aaye magar,
rote rote hi stadium se jaaenge bhi hum,
jaaenge par kidhar hai kise ye khabar,
koi samjha nahin koi jaana nahin.

Aise victories bhi hain jo jeete hi nahin,
jinko jeetne se pehle hi haar hi gaye,
careers aise bhi hain jo khile hi nahin,
jinko khilne se pehle fiza kha gaye,
hai pareshaan har, thak gaye spectator,
koi samjha nahin koi jaana nahin.

Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Zindagi ka safar hai ye kaisa safar
Film: Safar
Year: 1970)

Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega…

Nowadays the IPL is to blame for everything. The BCCI’s mess. The UPA government’s performance. Shashi Tharoor’s career. NCP’s discomfort. … India’s humiliating World Cup loss. Tomorrow it will be blamed for international terrorism and global warming too…

Please read to the tune of Ye lal rang kab mujhe chhodega

Ye IPL…

Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega.

Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega,
Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega,
Mera game kab talak mera dil todega,
Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega.

Kisi problem ka bhi liya naam to aaya yaad tu hi tu,
Kisi problem ka bhi liya naam to aaya yaad tu hi tu,
Ye to paisa haraam ka ban gaya he lahu,
Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega.

Khelne ki waat hi laga di, ab khelunga kis tarah,
Khelne ki waat hi laga di, khelunga kis tarah,
Ye na socha tune yaar, world cup jeetunga kis tarah,
Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega.

Chala jau kahi chhod ke mein tera ye IPL moolah, haan
Chala jao kahi chod ke mein tera ye IPL moolah,
Na to yaha amrit mile peeneko na zehar,
Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega.

Mera game kab talak ho, mera dil todega,
Ye IPL kab mujhe chhodega…

Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Ye lal rang kab mujhe chhodega
Film: Prem Nagar
Year: 1974)

Does anyone use Sloan’s Balm?

DSC_0177When I was small, I had a sprain that wouldn’t heal. My relative told me that there was a balm that was extremely painful and extremely effective and he’d recommend it to me if I was up to it. It was a brutal “one-day” solution. I didn’t know what he meant but I said yes all the same. He handed me a yellowish-orange extremely smelly balm and told me to use it sparingly or else face the consequences. I put in on and rubbed it and wondered what the fuss was all about. Then I felt a mild burning sensation. It steadily got hotter and hotter and my relative was looking at me amusingly from the corner of the eye.

Then suddenly my hand caught fire! (Or at least it felt that way) I could hardly bear the pain and I didn’t know how to describe it. It was as if a dozen hot needles had been poked in my hand or simply someone had poured kerosene on it and set it on fire. The hand got hotter and hotter and I simply felt I would faint! My relative calmly told me to hold on. It would eventually go away. Eventually meant a few hours and in that time, nothing else mattered. No house. No relative. No work. No thoughts. It was me and my burning hand. By evening, the burning started receding, just like a fire that had been put out with embers steadily cooling. I felt a tingling even as I slept.

When I got up in the morning, I was totally OK. And despite the pain, I was converted for life. As my relative said, “Use other balms 10 times, use this one only once.” But I can see why it’s unpopular. It smells. It leaves stains on your clothes. And of course, it burns like hell. My wife can’t stand the sight of the bottle and says that I’ve used it so many times, that my body is probably immune. When I have multiple body aches, she calls it a Sloan’s Bath. Though my wife did inform me that her grandmother uses something more potent and rare called Sloan’s Liniment. I was mighty impressed.

I have recommended it to people with adverse reactions. Once when my late sister was limping for days, I gave her a bottle. The next day morning I got a firing.

My leg burnt. I couldn’t sleep all night. I got out of bed at 2am. I put my leg in running cold water. I kept it in a bucket for one hour…

When she finished pacing up and down with her tirade, I pointed to her leg. She was no longer limping. She was cured. “But the pain wasn’t worth it,” she said and stormed off.

Once I gave it to my flat-mate and watched in horror as he took a huge amount and started massaging his leg with it. I warned him of the consequences but he wouldn’t listen. He said something to the effect of “Mard ka bachcha” (Loosely translated to mean “son of a macho man”). My friends and I watched as he sat sure that nothing would happen. Then the tingling started and the pain multiplied. My friend got up started pacing around. He was putting a brave face and having difficulty in controlling his pain. Then he let out a scream and started heaping choicest abuses on Mr Sloan and his extended family.

As all of us watched the comic scene, he suddenly picked up the bottle and threw it out of the window with all his might. I ran to the window fearfully, for it faced the main road. If it hit a passing motorist then broken glass and Sloan’s would combine to unleash such pain, that the motorist would surely file a case of attempted murder. Luckily, it had fallen safely into the ground. I could only hope no man or animal would poke its nose into it. I realized that I couldn’t recommend it again to anyone.

It is also a tough task shopping for it. If I go to 10 medical shops, then 5 shopkeepers are sure to look at me as if I’m speaking some foreign language. When I finally do get a bottle, the shopkeeper opens his notebook and scribbles. (Customer came and bought the entire stock (1 bottle) of Sloan’s Balm) I’m serious, when I ask for a second bottle, I don’t get it.

chili-499062_640I read somewhere that Sloan’s has capsaicin, which is an essential component of chili pepper. That explains it. If you eat chili pepper, you’ll feel as if your throat is on fire. If you use a balm which has a chili pepper component, you’ll feel as if your body part is on fire…

Hello, is there anybody out there… anybody using Sloan’s Balm?

More importantly, does anybody want to use Sloan’s?

© Sunil Rajguru