Monthly Archives: February 2010

Random Thoughts 10

Posted on by
Reply

• Live every day as if it’s your last?
If I thought today was my last day, then I’d empty my bank balance and splurge, tell the world to go to hell (maybe even punch some enemies in the face)…
Then where would that leave me when I got up tomorrow and found that I wasn’t dead?

• “Oh God! Please make me a millionaire!” is a very dangerous prayer. You might go bankrupt and be left with just ten thousand Rupees. That’s a million paisa, ain’t it?

• If you are a bad boss, then never work from home or for yourself. You’ll only end up making your life miserable. For then you’ll be your own boss.

• I’ve got a sore wrist and aching fingers from watching bad TV.
(There are almost 200 channels and the battery of the remote is low!)

• The Sex God gives too much to too few and too little to too many.

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 2…

Posted on by
Reply

First Voice: Namaste Mayaji. Kaise ho? Aaj kal dikahi aur sunai nahin dete ho. Media wale aapko bhool gaye kya. Haha.
Second Voice: Dikhai to aap bhi nahin dete Mulayamji! Sab jagah Amarji chaye hue hain. Aur woh na aapke party ke hain na mere. Hahaha.
Faint Third Voice: Hahahahahahahahaha…
First voice: Arre ye kiski awaaz hain? Ye to Rahul lage rahe hain! Mayaji, aapka phone kahin tap to nahin ho raha hain…

***

Sachin: Oh God! I thank you for all that you are giving me…
God: But I am very upset.
Sachin: Aila! Is that Deva re Deva? But what have I done?
God: I am suing you for copyright infringement!
Sachin: Kai mahantat tumhi deva…
God: You have heard of the phrase: Sachin is God?
Sachin: Yes, but…
God: Well, I used to hear it a few hundred times at max, but after it became a trending topic, I hear it a few million times a day, that is way beyond permissible limits…
Sachin: Aila! Me kai kelo… it’s my fans… they are infringing copyright… I am just going out and enjoying my game… why does this always happen to me?

***

Raj: Let’s divide Mumbai. I’ll take Amitabh, you take the rest of the Bollywood like SRK. You take Sachin and IPL and I’ll take the rest of cricketing controversies. I’ll take the taxi-drivers and you take the rest of the migrants. You take on Rahulji, I’ll take on Soniaji from now on…
Udhav: But I have already divided Mumbai! I get full Mumbai and you get nothing!

***

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
First Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just asking about my bank account!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Second Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just trying to order a pizza!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Third Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: Forget it!

Woods: Secretary. Remove all the female contacts from my contact list. For some strange reason women don’t want to talk to me anymore. And connect me only to males whenever I want to ask for anything.
(Silence)
Woods: Secretary! Secretary!
(Silence)
Woods: Damn! She’s left just like that! I have to get a good male secretary first!

***

© Sunil Rajguru

How to make a lot out of nothing, Mumbai style…

Posted on by
2

2008. IPL formed and to invite international stars including those from Pakistan.
Great.
2008. IPL1 features players from Pakistan.
Great.
2009. IPL2 allows players from Pakistan to play but they withdraw due to tensions.
Great.
2010. IPL3 allows auction of Pakistan players but no-one bids for them.
Great.
2010. SRK feels Pakistan players should have played in IPL3.
What? Pakistan players should play in IPL? Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1960s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1970s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1980s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1990s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2000-07: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2008: What? The Amitabh who acts in Bollywood movies is actually from UP and lives in Mumbai.
Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1950s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1960s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1970s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1980s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1990s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2000-07: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2008: What? So many taxi drivers are in Mumbai are from Bihar and robbing the profession of the locals?
Nonsense! Humbug! Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

Mumbai is really a city of dreams. If you’re a politician, then you can sit in your office and dream up of “any nothing” and make it happen.

© Sunil Rajguru

Thak Thak Chutkule 3

Posted on by
2

(Knock Knock Jokes in Hindi)

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Bal.
Bal kaun?
Bal bal bach gaya SRK. Ab thode din Raj karega.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Ek saal baad Number 1.
Ek saal baad Number 1 kaun?
Ek saal baad Number 1 kaun?
Bharat-Dakshin Afreeka-Australia, ye ladai trikone.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Local.
Local kaun?
Local walon se panga liya, Local pe chala aur ban gaya Local boy!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Sukna.
Sukna kaun?
Sukh na mila kisiko, dukh hi mila is case main.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Aman ki Asha.
Aman ki Asha kaun?
Ye baat main bhi jaan-na chahata hu, ye hain kaun aur sacchi main exist karti hain kya?

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 4

Posted on by
1

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Glaciers are melting faster for
Glaciers are melting faster for who?
Glaciers are melting faster for the IPCC, that’s who.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
My Name is Boo
My Name is Boo who?
My Name is Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo, when will these controversies leave me?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Number
Number who?
Number 1 or 2 even I don’t know after our latest loss, these ICC ranking are so confusing.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Headley
Headley who?
Headleywho, yodeleu, yudlayweeehooooo karke nikal gaya India se.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
IPL
Bam!
(This time there was a Pakistani cricketer answering the door)

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 9

Posted on by
Reply

· Virtual Reality
Number of Connections: 500+
Number of Followers: 767
Number of Online Friends: 1023
Number of Real Offline Friends: 0

· If I have one thing to do, then I relax.
I have just one thing to do!
…and I do nothing.

If I have two things to do, then I get confused.
Which of the two to do?
…and I do nothing.

If I have too many things to do, I get paralyzed.
Oh my God! So many things to do!
…and I do nothing.

If I have nothing to do…
Well I have nothing to do!
…so I do nothing.

It’s all the same in the end.

· In India, ATM means Any Time Money except when…
…the machine is regularly out of order.
…the machine is regularly out of cash.
…there’s a power cut. This is India you know!
…there’s no network. Yes, that happens to Indian ATMs!
…you are tenth in the line and 2-3 people in front of you don’t know how to use an ATM card and keep trying and refuse to be evicted. You depart cashless. The ATM has all the time in the world, but you don’t.

· You are truly alone if you don’t have company for a tea break in your office.

© Sunil Rajguru