Random Thoughts 10

• Live every day as if it’s your last?
If I thought today was my last day, then I’d empty my bank balance and splurge, tell the world to go to hell (maybe even punch some enemies in the face)…
Then where would that leave me when I got up tomorrow and found that I wasn’t dead?

• “Oh God! Please make me a millionaire!” is a very dangerous prayer. You might go bankrupt and be left with just ten thousand Rupees. That’s a million paisa, ain’t it?

• If you are a bad boss, then never work from home or for yourself. You’ll only end up making your life miserable. For then you’ll be your own boss.

• I’ve got a sore wrist and aching fingers from watching bad TV.
(There are almost 200 channels and the battery of the remote is low!)

• The Sex God gives too much to too few and too little to too many.

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 2…

First Voice: Namaste Mayaji. Kaise ho? Aaj kal dikahi aur sunai nahin dete ho. Media wale aapko bhool gaye kya. Haha.
Second Voice: Dikhai to aap bhi nahin dete Mulayamji! Sab jagah Amarji chaye hue hain. Aur woh na aapke party ke hain na mere. Hahaha.
Faint Third Voice: Hahahahahahahahaha…
First voice: Arre ye kiski awaaz hain? Ye to Rahul lage rahe hain! Mayaji, aapka phone kahin tap to nahin ho raha hain…

***

Sachin: Oh God! I thank you for all that you are giving me…
God: But I am very upset.
Sachin: Aila! Is that Deva re Deva? But what have I done?
God: I am suing you for copyright infringement!
Sachin: Kai mahantat tumhi deva…
God: You have heard of the phrase: Sachin is God?
Sachin: Yes, but…
God: Well, I used to hear it a few hundred times at max, but after it became a trending topic, I hear it a few million times a day, that is way beyond permissible limits…
Sachin: Aila! Me kai kelo… it’s my fans… they are infringing copyright… I am just going out and enjoying my game… why does this always happen to me?

***

Raj: Let’s divide Mumbai. I’ll take Amitabh, you take the rest of the Bollywood like SRK. You take Sachin and IPL and I’ll take the rest of cricketing controversies. I’ll take the taxi-drivers and you take the rest of the migrants. You take on Rahulji, I’ll take on Soniaji from now on…
Udhav: But I have already divided Mumbai! I get full Mumbai and you get nothing!

***

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
First Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just asking about my bank account!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Second Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: But I was just trying to order a pizza!

Woods: Hello this is Tiger Woods…
Third Female Voice: Sorry I am not interested!
Woods: Forget it!

Woods: Secretary. Remove all the female contacts from my contact list. For some strange reason women don’t want to talk to me anymore. And connect me only to males whenever I want to ask for anything.
(Silence)
Woods: Secretary! Secretary!
(Silence)
Woods: Damn! She’s left just like that! I have to get a good male secretary first!

***

© Sunil Rajguru

How to make a lot out of nothing, Mumbai style…

2008. IPL formed and to invite international stars including those from Pakistan.
Great.
2008. IPL1 features players from Pakistan.
Great.
2009. IPL2 allows players from Pakistan to play but they withdraw due to tensions.
Great.
2010. IPL3 allows auction of Pakistan players but no-one bids for them.
Great.
2010. SRK feels Pakistan players should have played in IPL3.
What? Pakistan players should play in IPL? Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1960s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1970s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1980s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
1990s: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2000-07: Amitabh from UP acts in Bollywood movies in Mumbai.
2008: What? The Amitabh who acts in Bollywood movies is actually from UP and lives in Mumbai.
Sacrilege! Traitor! Nonsense! Humbug!
Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

1950s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1960s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1970s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1980s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
1990s: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2000-07: Migrants come to Mumbai and take up various professions.
2008: What? So many taxi drivers are in Mumbai are from Bihar and robbing the profession of the locals?
Nonsense! Humbug! Protests! Warnings! Extra security! 24X7 News Coverage! Debates!…

Mumbai is really a city of dreams. If you’re a politician, then you can sit in your office and dream up of “any nothing” and make it happen.

© Sunil Rajguru

Thak Thak Chutkule 3

(Knock Knock Jokes in Hindi)

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Bal.
Bal kaun?
Bal bal bach gaya SRK. Ab thode din Raj karega.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Ek saal baad Number 1.
Ek saal baad Number 1 kaun?
Ek saal baad Number 1 kaun?
Bharat-Dakshin Afreeka-Australia, ye ladai trikone.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Local.
Local kaun?
Local walon se panga liya, Local pe chala aur ban gaya Local boy!

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Sukna.
Sukna kaun?
Sukh na mila kisiko, dukh hi mila is case main.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Aman ki Asha.
Aman ki Asha kaun?
Ye baat main bhi jaan-na chahata hu, ye hain kaun aur sacchi main exist karti hain kya?

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 4

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Glaciers are melting faster for
Glaciers are melting faster for who?
Glaciers are melting faster for the IPCC, that’s who.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
My Name is Boo
My Name is Boo who?
My Name is Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo, when will these controversies leave me?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Number
Number who?
Number 1 or 2 even I don’t know after our latest loss, these ICC ranking are so confusing.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Headley
Headley who?
Headleywho, yodeleu, yudlayweeehooooo karke nikal gaya India se.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
IPL
Bam!
(This time there was a Pakistani cricketer answering the door)

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 9

· Virtual Reality
Number of Connections: 500+
Number of Followers: 767
Number of Online Friends: 1023
Number of Real Offline Friends: 0

· If I have one thing to do, then I relax.
I have just one thing to do!
…and I do nothing.

If I have two things to do, then I get confused.
Which of the two to do?
…and I do nothing.

If I have too many things to do, I get paralyzed.
Oh my God! So many things to do!
…and I do nothing.

If I have nothing to do…
Well I have nothing to do!
…so I do nothing.

It’s all the same in the end.

· In India, ATM means Any Time Money except when…
…the machine is regularly out of order.
…the machine is regularly out of cash.
…there’s a power cut. This is India you know!
…there’s no network. Yes, that happens to Indian ATMs!
…you are tenth in the line and 2-3 people in front of you don’t know how to use an ATM card and keep trying and refuse to be evicted. You depart cashless. The ATM has all the time in the world, but you don’t.

· You are truly alone if you don’t have company for a tea break in your office.

© Sunil Rajguru

That’s good, but could have been better…

Have you ever watched a Hollywood movie and wondered: Someone else would have done that better! That is irrespective of whether the movie is a hit or not and the character received critical acclaim or not. Here’s one such Hollywood wish list…

Jim Carrey as the Joker: Carrey was great as the Riddler and the late Heath Ledger rocked as the Joker. But I still think that Carrey, with that awesome face of his, would be the ultimate Joker. The way he contorts his face, the way he moves his body and the way he speaks: He was born for the role. Maybe (hopefully) after 5-10 years!

Harrison Ford as Albus Dumbledore: Dumbledore was a daring and exciting wizard who wielded his wand with power and dueled with all sorts of evil wizards. So why take a character actor to do that role? When you look at Dumbledore, you want to believe this guy was a dashing adventurous dude in his youth. Who better than Ford with a white beard? Ford was Indiana Jones and Hans Solo in his past lives. That image is the clincher. Another option could be Sean Connery.

Christopher Lee as Voldemort: He was one of the scariest Draculas. He was the Evil Emperor’s henchman and dapper Count in the Star Wars series. And of course he was the ultimate bad wizard Sauron in Lord of the Rings. I don’t think anyone but Lee can be Voldemort. I have nothing against Ralph Fiennes, but the make-up man has turned him into a bit of a joke. Not at all scary… slightly repulsive maybe, that’s all. A far cry from the Voldemort of the Harry Potter series, that had people quaking in their boots.

Steven Spielberg as director of the Harry Potter series: The Harry Potter movies together look disjointed and have been directed by different directors. They are nowhere in the league of Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. I had initially read a report that Spielberg was considered, but talks broke down. Big mistake. Spielberg would have taken the Harry Potter films to a totally different level.

Haley Joel Osment as the young Anakin Skywalker: Jake Lloyd got the role of the young Anakin in Phantom Menace. When I heard that Osment of the Sixth Sense fame was the other choice, I thought: Bad miss. Why? Because the Dark Side doctrine is:
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
Osment reeks of fear. No kid can bring out fear better than him.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: This is probably the Mother of all Worst Castings. Hell they even got the robot wrong! They treated it as a comedy. But the Hitchhiker’s series is actually a deep philosophy of the universe that happens to be funny! Zaphod Beeblebrox is a crazy two-headed Galactic President. Again, I can’t think of anyone but Jim Carrey. How would you represent Marvin the Robot who has the “brain the size of a planet” and is always highly depressed? Definitely not something that looks white and cuddly! For the rest of the cast, I’d root for Cameron Diaz as Trillian, Will Smith as Ford Prefect, Matt Damon as Arthur Dent and Anthony Hopkins or Tommy Lee Jones as Slartibarfast.

Jason Statham as James Bond: When I first saw Transporter, Statham struck me as a rough version of James Bond. Polish him a bit and he’ll be good for the original. If Bond was American, he’d be Vin Diesel and if he was Indian, then Akshay Kumar.

© Sunil Rajguru

January 2010 Short Takes

· I’ve been following American cartoons for some time now and I must admit, Obama is giving George W Bush stiff competition. He’ll get the cartoonists’ vote in 2012.

(January 24)

· Bangladesh helped us by taking 10 quick wickets. Otherwise India might have done 500 and with less time thanks to the fog and all, we would have drawn the match. Sehwag’s mental games worked.

· The theme of the 2012 US Presidential elections will still be “Change”. A Change from men who talk of change…

(January 21)

· There’s only one surge that has worked in the Af-Pak arena… “The Dollar Surge”… Dear US: Keep paying, keep bleeding, keep praying, keep wishing and keep getting fooled…

· Some people think if India stopped playing Cricket, then we’d miraculously start performing in other sports. It’s Mismanagement, Politics, Greed and Incompetence in all sports and not excessive focus on Cricket that’s the culprit!

· India-Australia is the new Indo-Pak of cricket rivalry. Pity that the hostility is spilling off the field too…

· Ignore Pakistan League

(January 20)

· Jab zinda hain to sirf kamzoriya dikhai deti hain… Jab zinda nahin hain to sirf acchai dikhai deti hain… Hum murdo ki puja karte hain aur zinda logo ki jaan lene pe tule rahate hain…

· What are we but virtually sum of our social networking accounts and email IDs…

(January 19)

· If one more Mobile player enters India, then the Spectrum will run for its dear life.

· Five Stars for Acting in 3 Idiots: A star each for Aamir, Madhavan, Sharman, Boman & Om Vaidya.

· When Sehwag’s bat talks, the opposition goes silent. When Sehwag talks, the Indian batting goes silent…

· That Nineties Feeling: The Indian batting order crashes for no reason and Sachin is the only Man left standing.

(January 17)

· Dada – Dravid ya ho Dhoni, Finals ki kahani wahi honi…

· When it’s much hotter, they scream: Global Warming! When it’s much colder, they scream Climate Change! When temeperature is normal, they scream: Will you just wait for something to happen and do nothing till it’s too late? You just can’t get the better of environmentalists…

(January 13)

· 1986. London. Hockey World Cup. India and Pakistan battle for the 11th place in a 12-nation tournament. India lose that too. That’s the day hockey died for me. I don’t know what to call the last 24 years.

· Indian Hockey. Goal: Chak De India… Obstacle: Cash De India… Result: Chuck De India. Country? What country?

(January 12)

· Lose ground to China. Lose plot with Pakistan. Lose spine with America. Lose all International strategy. This Government is sure one long episode of Lost.

· Kabhi Pakistan ne maara, kabhi China ne maara, kabhi Amrika ne maara, main hu India yaaro, mujhe har kisi ne maara…

· Hockey’s vicious circle — Players: Show me the Money. IHF: Show me the Victory.

· Chetan Bhagat ne ek vacant plot of land diya, jispe Hirani ne shaandar bungalow baandha…

· Give me some sunshine, Give me some rain, Give us some more such movies, That we can watch again and again… Lage raho Hiranibhai!

· There is not even one Idiot in 3 Idiots. Every character has given the performance of his life.

· 15 minutes of fame is passe. An On Demand 15 seconds of fame with 40 characters is in.

· The Australian Dictionary does not define India as a race and hence an attack on a person from that region is not Racist, hence proved.

· Baar Baar Khelo, Hazaar Baar Khelo, Ki Khelne Ki Cheez Hai, Indo-Lanka match, What Ho? (India, Lanka are almost a couple in cricket now)

(January 11)

· Breaking News: Aamir finally reads 5.someone and says: My God, it’s just like the movie! OK: Just joking, we’ve been made such Idiots, what’s one more idiotic statement anyway?

· For a generation which splurges thousands of Rupees at one shot, what is one paisa less per minute? Charge 25 paise more and give a top-class service/network/coverage and we’ll migrate just like that…

(January 7)

· Ever since Mamata became Railway Minister, train mishaps have spiked. I shudder to think what will happen when she becomes CM of West Bengal!

· All is Sales! Bhagat books re-selling like hot cakes, 3 Idiots doing Rs 300 crores.

· When Bollywood plagiarizes blatantly: All is Well! When they sign contracts and do things by the book: All Hell Breaks Loose!

(January 6)

· 2009 was definitely not the Year of the Tiger. Tiger Prabhakaran was shot down after decades. Tiger Woods had the worst image crisis of his career. The Indian Tiger was licked by the Chinese Dragon and US Democratic Elephant. Tiger Thackeray had a poor show at the elections.

(January 5)

· Chetan-3Idiots controversy is a win-win for all. Ticket sales up. Book sales up. TV channels get masala. We get a movie, book and a new tamasha to track.

(January 2)

© Sunil Rajguru