How every Congress leader changes a fused light bulb in the house…

How does Pappu change a light bulb in his house?
He doesn’t. He just declares light a state of mind.

How does Sonia change a light bulb in her house?
She just expresses her unhappiness over darkness and a 100 people come to change the bulb.

How does Manmohan change the light bulb in his house?
He doesn’t. The servants just see a dark silent room and think nothing is wrong.

How does Antony change a light bulb in his house?
It’s tricky. When the electrician comes, he suspects it’s an intruder in electrician’s uniform.

How does Khurshid change a light bulb in his house?
He doesn’t. He challenges darkness: Aaye to ho mere ghar main, magar waapis kaise jaoge?

How does Sushilkumar Shinde change a light bulb in his house?
He doesn’t. He thinks it’s just another mega power blackout.

How does Sibal change a light bulb in his house?
He doesn’t. He just declares Zero Loss of light.

How does Diggy Raja change a light bulb in his house?
He doesn’t. He sits and blames the RSS non-stop sitting in the darkness.

How does Manish Tiwari change a light bulb in his house?
He does it holistically.

How does Tharoor change a light bulb in his house?
He first Tweets about it and has a detailed discussion on Twitter.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

October 2013 Status Updates

Many years ago, they made a Tryst with Corruption.
At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the whole world slept, they looted the nation.

Both Rohit and Ishant made their international debuts in 2007.
Since one Sharma has come really good in 2013, they are hoping the other one will come good too.

Alice in Wonderland: I try to believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
Diggy Raja: I try to say as many as six impossible things before dinner.

Congress strategy for 2014…
The Food Security Bill is the Aadhar for our personal NREGA (Nehru-Gandhi-Dynasty Recurring Employment Guarantee Assurance scheme).

(October 31)

A tale of 4 Gujaratis…
Gandhi liberated India.
Jinnah created Pakistan.
Patel united India.
Next in line: Modi.

As Indian election symbols include every object under the sun, polls will now be held during power shutdowns at night with fluorescent election booths.

If Narendra Modi takes over as PM, he could well say…
Humko mita sake ye zamaane main dum nahi, humse hai zamaana, zamaane se hum nahi…

Madhya Pradesh Congress wants EC to hide “Lotus” ponds from voters.
What next?
Roam around with your “Hands” in your pockets till elections?

(October 30)

Before you judge anyone, walk a mile in their shoes.
If you do this with everyone you judge, you will find yourself somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

We have some “Breaking Information” announces an Indian TV anchor.
I think most information is broken only by the time it hits TV channels.

(October 28 )

Yell in office.
Keep walking out of office.
Be corrupt.
Promote your family (Nepotism).
Drown your country & save yourself.
Live long.
(Reference: Indian Politicians)

USSR=Big Brother watching over all its citizens.
USA=Super Big Brother watching over all global citizens.

Obama: I spy with my little eye something beginning with M.
Merkel: Oh God! I thought it was a game. I didn’t think it would actually be my mobile!

(October 27)

Yesterday: How many movies are in the Bollywood Rs 100 Crore Club?
Today: How many cities are in the Onion Rs 100/kg Club?

Very soon Bollywood will release an exclusive list of stars who are not in the Rs 100 Crore Club.

If Ranbir Kapoor and Virat Kohli require deodorant to get female attention, then most of the girls in India will surely remain single.

(October 26)

Main bhi Sachin Tendulkar ban-na chahata hu.
#Onion #Petrol #Dollar #Century

(October 22)

© Sunil Rajguru

December 2012 Status Updates

• The BCCI will soon honour Rohit Sharma for the most “Guest Appearances” in an Indian innings.

(December 30)

• US Politicians: Lead from the Front.
Indian Politicians: Hide from all Fronts.

(December 29)

• “He was the best of writers, he was the worst of writers.”
(Since Rediff compares Chetan Bhagat to Charles Dickens)

(December 28 )

• Overheard at NDC meet…
Jaya to Manmohan: You have no idea how humiliated I feel.
Manmohan to Jaya: Ha! I know. By now “Humiliation” has become my middle name.

• Overheard at NDC meet…
Manmohan to Jaya: Your time as speaker is up.
Jaya to Manmohan: Your time as PM is up.

(December 27)

• Before every Press Conference, Dhoni says: Which one should I tick today?
A. Our batsmen failed.
B. Our bowlers failed.
C. The pitch failed.
D. We were just unlucky.
E. All of the above.

(December 26)

• The Mayans said that the world will end on 21122012.
That’s 21 million years away.
Some wise guy read it as 21.12.2012.

(December 25)

• Take Dabangg.
Dilute it 2 times.
Get Dabangg 2.

(December 22)

• Sanjay Nirupam to Smriti Irani: Aap to paise ke liye thumke lagati thi!
Translation: The Congress welcomes rapists, murderers and criminals in its party, but not former TV stars.

(December 21)

• Arnab Goswami to interview look-alike statues instead of guests instead of the originals.
This’ll save costs and nobody will notice the difference.
Only Arnab talks anyway.
The interview of Manmohan Singh is sure to be a blockbuster.

(December 18 )

• Every Pakistani cricket team dreams of beating India in India.
Every Pakistani politician dreams of insulting India in India.
Rehman Malik will give a big Thank You card to Manmohan on his way back.

(December 17)

• Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me a 100 times and I’m India while you’re Pakistan.
Aao, Rehman Malik, hamari baja ke jao…

(December 16)

• Can’t play abroad. Can’t play spin at home. Can’t play pace at home.
Test cricket England main paida hua, Australia main jawaan hua aur India main boodha hoke mar gaya.

• Once Sehwag’s favourite dish was Bowlers Fry.
Now its Duck Soup.

(December 14)

• 1990…
Critic: Aap desh ko bech rahe ho!
Prime Minister Chandrashekhar: Khareedega kaun?
Critic: Aap desh ko bech rahe ho!
Prime Minister: Ab koi khatra nahin kyunki desh poori tarah se bik chuka hai!

(December 12)

• BSP: We’ll support FDI if you get Promotion bill.
Congress: OK!
SP: We’ll support FDI if you don’t get Promotion Bill.
Congress: OK!
Newcomer: Ab kya?
Old-timer: Chhod, roz ka re!

• Oppan Ganganam Style: PSY
Open Rebellion Style: BSY

• Congress: There’s no democracy within the party.
BJP: There’s too much democracy within the party.
SP/BSP: Partymen don’t even know what democracy is.

(December 10)

• 20 more IITs? Hope they don’t become Inferior Institutes of Technology.

• Karnataka and Tamil Nadu are the only states whose ties are measured in cusecs.

(December 6)

• We have severe cultural differences with Norway. Here we simply kill girls in the womb for being girls and kill boys who marry outside the community in the name of honour.

• Dhoni to selectors trying to push for Bhajji: Don’t give me gyan, just give me Pragyan. I want to win. So just add AshWin.

• Old publishers: We will have our books in every nook and corner.
New publishers: We will have our books in every Nook and Kindle.

• Q: Unlike others, how come you read the writing on the wall and quit at the right time?
Rahul Dravid: Well it was was easier for me, as I am the wall, remember?

(December 5)

• Olympic motto: Faster, Higher, Stronger.
Indian Olympic motto: Faster profits, Higher bribes, Stronger scams.

• In terms of representation, the Olympics has just lost 1.2 billion people.
In terms of medal count it has lost just 0.6%.

• India has always had some form of FDI for 2000+ years, from Alexander to the Mughals to the British.
Why create such a hoo-haa now?

(December 4)

∙ In conservative India, gay still means happy, bisexual is in biology texts, transgender transcends intelligence and the very concept of lesbianism makes heads spin. And LGBT? Sound like another version of the BT plant.

∙ The Times of India has transformed Page 3 journalism again.
Now the Front Page is the new Page 3, thanks to the full page ad at the beginning.

∙ Old: Ek haath se paisa do, doosre haath se vote lo.
New: Ek click se paisa bhejo, doosre click se vote pao.

(December 3)

© Sunil Rajguru

The Barney song for all occasions…

I love you, you love me,
We’re a happy family,
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,
Won’t you say you love me too?

For Twitter…
I Follow you,
You Follow me,
We’re all Followers like Followers should be,
With a great big ReTweet,
And a mention from me to you,
Won’t you say you’ll ReTweet me too?

For Facebook…
I Like you,
You Like me,
We’re all friends like friends should be,
With a great big Comment,
And a Poke from me to you,
Won’t you say you Like me too?

For Congress-BJP bhai bhai in scams…
I help you,
You help me,
We’re all scamsters like scamsters should be,
With a great big deal cut,
And a share from me to you,
Won’t you say you’ll defend me too?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Musings on Indian politics…

• Only in India: A party playing minority politics calls itself secular (Congress), a party with an ultra-Left outlook calls itself anti-Left (TMC), a party that championed reforms is opposing FDI (BJP) and a party which bemoans the caste system uses caste as its sole idenitiy (BSP).

• Sonia: If only I could speak like her. Sushma: If only I had her power.
Rahul: If only I had his personality. Modi: If only I had his destiny.

• Communal BJP is opposing FDI.
Therefore FDI becomes secular.
Hence it should be supported.

• The Congress started the Swadeshi Movement in 1905 and the Videshi Movement in 1991.

• Group A: Best Hindi orator Sushma + Best English orator Jaitley + Popular PM choice Modi + Best CM Nitish.
—Will lose in the elections to—
Group B: Sonia can’t speak for nuts + Rahul can’t think for nuts + Manmohan can’t govern for nuts.
Welcome to India. Barack Obama would lose his deposit here.

• The UPA is a lame duck government, but it still manages to give a solid kick with its good leg.

• When a secular wants to criticize a Muslim, he criticizes a Hindu first to show balance.
When Arvind Kejriwal wants to attack the Congress, he attacks the BJP first to show balance.

• England has the concept of Shadow Prime Minister.
India has the concept of Shadow Allies. (SP & BSP)

• Sholay, FDI remix: SP-BSP apne MPs se kehti hai, bhaag ja warna communalism aa jayega.

Hamaam main sab nanga. Sirf main kapde pahan ke nahata hu: Arvind Kejriwal.

• Our netas understanding of issues…
Q: FDI kya hai?
Q: Nahin, iska matlab kya hai?
SP: Communalism.
Q: Matlab, support kyun nahi kar rahe?
Q: Matlab, danger kya hai?
SP: Communalism.
Q: To phir abstain karke pass kyun karwaya?
SP: BJP aur communalism.

• Congress party ke do hai rakshak,
Hamesha bachate hai, bhale hi kare pahale bakbak,
Maya Didi aur Mulayam Chacha, hai koi shak?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Yet More Kejriwal Musings…

∙ Overheard…
Arvind Kejriwal: Ambani runs India, not MMS.
MMS: (Fumes, goes red in the face and screams) What slander Kejriwal! You are totally wrong! Everyone knows that Sonia runs India!

∙ Times started charging for coverage and it was called Paid News.
Kejriwal should now start charging media houses for his content: Reverse Paid News.

Kar lo duniya mutthi main: Old Reliance.
Kar liya (politicians ki) duniya mutthi main: New Reliance.

∙ And in other news, Cyclone Kejriwal continues to hit the political coast…

∙ At this rate soon the Congress will hold a press conference and complain: Arvind Kejriwal is running this country!

Ek hi scam allegation main Congress, BJP aur corporate (Reliance) ka naam.
Arvind Kejriwal’s Right to Equality.

∙ Everyone: Hah! Arvind Kejriwal! Old wine in new bottle!
Well, folks, Kejriwal is the only person in the country drinking wine it seems.

∙ No over-Reliance on either the Congress or BJP, vote for us: Arvind Kejriwal.Congress KLPD…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru