Hillary and US Presidential musings…

200 million voted for “Fascist” Modi.
52% voted for “racist” Brexit.
Roughly half of US supports “Hitler” Trump.
Maybe problem with “allegation hurlers”, not people.

Obama 2008 slogan…
Change we can believe in!
Hillary 2016 slogan…
That change which never came which we’re still trying to believe in!

Obama 2008 slogan…
Yes we can!
Hillary 2016 slogan…
We didn’t, but we still can, just 4 more years!

No Pak terror state.
No suing Saudis.
Surveillance State.
Targeting Snowden-Manning-Assange.
Negligence with secret mails OK.
#LiberalObama

Hillary to Pak: You can’t keep snakes in your backyard and expect them only to bite your neighbors. You know, eventually those snakes are going to turn on whoever has them in the backyard.
Q: Great! But aren’t you the handler of the snake handler?

US pensioners’ polls…
No matter who wins, towards the end of the term the President will be 70+ and the Vice President 60+.
Obama retires at 55.

Had Sanders become President, he would have turned his country into the USSR.
(United States Socialist Republic)

From 2017, we should have an Obama Day.
When all day we will talk and talk great things and vow “Yes we can!” but actually do no work.

Sanders, like all Communists, is a coward at heart.
Now forget fighting Hillary, he can’t even speak against her.
#BasementDwellers

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Trump-Hillary musings…

Hitler ruined Europe.
Obama-Hillary ruined the Middle East.
Trump hasn’t done anything yet.
So right now, who’s more like Hitler?

Pappu will destroy the Congress.
Corbyn will destroy Labour.
Hillary will destroy the Democrats.”

High stakes.
Hillary has the unconditional support of the President, liberals, media, intellectuals and powerful Left ecosystem.
If she loses, they all lose.

Trump has momentum.
Europe is burning.
Terror is alarming.
Media…
Hillary is unstoppable.
Europe on right track.
Get used to terror.

Ever since Obama made the intolerance comment on India, intolerance has skyrocketed in America.
Be careful who you make dig at.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Musings about America…

flag-75047_640Religious intolerance in India would’ve shocked Mahatma Gandhi.
—Obama.
Racial intolerance in US would have shocked Martin Luther King.
—Reality.

Obama made snide remarks about Indian intolerance.
US religious committees tried to butt in.
They should look into their own backyard.

US.
18th century—Independent.
19th century—Ended slavery.
20th century—Ended segregation.
21st century—Still fighting for racial equality.

Thatcher first woman head of State of West in 1979.
UK repeating with Theresa in 2016, while US still struggling with a first.

UK got its first man PM in 1721.
It got a woman PM 258 years later.
US got its first man President in 1789.
1789 + 258 = 2047.
If Hillary misses the bus, then US could break UK’s record.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Trump is the enemy musings…

Q: What did Obama do for refugees in his 8 years?
A: Trump will build a wall.
Q: How did Obama help African Americans in 8 years?
A: Trump is a bigot.
Q: Did Obama really change America in any way in 8 years?
A: Trump will destroy America.
Q: Was Obama’s foreign policy a disaster?
A: Trump’s foreign policy will be a disaster.

Sanders supporters are typically doing what all Communist supporters do.
Verbal abuse, throwing of chairs, disruption…
They now have targeted both Trump and Hillary.

Had the super delegates backed Sanders, then he would have been ahead.
If Trump beats Hillary, then the Democrats only have themselves to blame.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

October 2013 Status Updates

Many years ago, they made a Tryst with Corruption.
At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the whole world slept, they looted the nation.

Both Rohit and Ishant made their international debuts in 2007.
Since one Sharma has come really good in 2013, they are hoping the other one will come good too.

Alice in Wonderland: I try to believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
Diggy Raja: I try to say as many as six impossible things before dinner.

Congress strategy for 2014…
The Food Security Bill is the Aadhar for our personal NREGA (Nehru-Gandhi-Dynasty Recurring Employment Guarantee Assurance scheme).

(October 31)

A tale of 4 Gujaratis…
Gandhi liberated India.
Jinnah created Pakistan.
Patel united India.
Next in line: Modi.

As Indian election symbols include every object under the sun, polls will now be held during power shutdowns at night with fluorescent election booths.

If Narendra Modi takes over as PM, he could well say…
Humko mita sake ye zamaane main dum nahi, humse hai zamaana, zamaane se hum nahi…

Madhya Pradesh Congress wants EC to hide “Lotus” ponds from voters.
What next?
Roam around with your “Hands” in your pockets till elections?

(October 30)

Before you judge anyone, walk a mile in their shoes.
If you do this with everyone you judge, you will find yourself somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

We have some “Breaking Information” announces an Indian TV anchor.
I think most information is broken only by the time it hits TV channels.

(October 28 )

Yell in office.
Keep walking out of office.
Be corrupt.
Promote your family (Nepotism).
Drown your country & save yourself.
Live long.
(Reference: Indian Politicians)

Yesterday…
USSR=Big Brother watching over all its citizens.
Today…
USA=Super Big Brother watching over all global citizens.

Obama: I spy with my little eye something beginning with M.
Merkel: Oh God! I thought it was a game. I didn’t think it would actually be my mobile!

(October 27)

Yesterday: How many movies are in the Bollywood Rs 100 Crore Club?
Today: How many cities are in the Onion Rs 100/kg Club?

Very soon Bollywood will release an exclusive list of stars who are not in the Rs 100 Crore Club.

If Ranbir Kapoor and Virat Kohli require deodorant to get female attention, then most of the girls in India will surely remain single.

(October 26)

Main bhi Sachin Tendulkar ban-na chahata hu.
#Onion #Petrol #Dollar #Century

(October 22)

© Sunil Rajguru

General international musings…

∙ Obama: Oh God! Enough of these hardships and burdens! Please show me the light and make my sufferings much less!
And God said… Let there be Republican primaries!

∙ Pak PM: And what kind of strange clock is this? Is it a Cuckoo Clock? Does it tell the time?
General: No! This is a Coupcoup Clock. It tells you when your time is up!

∙ Q: And why do you want Independence?
Scot: I don’t know! The whole world seems to be asking for it!

© Sunil Rajguru

And the repartee was…

Obama to Asia: US is here to stay, there’s nothing you can do about it!
Asia to Obama: Damn! We thought that continental drift was still taking place and the US was drifting apart from us!

Kambli to India: The 1996 India-Sri Lanka semi-final World Cup match was fixed!
India to Kambli: Hoto pe aisi baat tu daba ke chala aaya pandrah saal ke liye!

Mallya to Investors: Less lucrative routes! Aviation fuel hikes! Economy!
Investors to Mallya: IPL! F1!

CBI to SC: DMK! NDA! CAG! RIL! DoT!
SC to CBI: INC! INC! INC! INC!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Facebook Status Updates post Osama killing

Obama has just caught and killed Osama
–>1,234,341 people Like this Status
Zardari–>Really? When? Don’t tell me!
ISI–>We also helped, but you’ll never know.
Taliban–>We know and we’ll show you, just you wait!
Chidambaram–>Ab hamari baari hai.
Zardari–>Don’t try to spoil the moment. Shoo!

General Kayani has just changed his status from “Lay off US” to “Lay off India”

Manmohan–>But what about our talks?
Sonia–>I think its time you concentrated on the domestic scene for a change
Manmohan–>Yes, Soniaji!
General Kayani–>Guys, please lay off my Wall!

Al-Zawahari has just deleted the Ultra Secret Closed Group “Osama Speaks”

Al-Zawahari has just been promoted to head of Al-Qaeda

Obama played the Mystic Tarot Game
And the Answer is: Your Rajyoga will continue till 2017
–>234 Republicans dislike this status

Abbottabad Osama Memorial Haveli Page created
–>1,234,342 have become fans

ISI has just put the Abbottabad Osama Memorial Haveli on sale
–>Last bidder bid $456 million…

A Pakistan Citizen is feeling sad that Osama is no more
–>1,234,342 people Like this Status

ISI–>CIA
Can you please please call us? Too many misunderstandings to sort out.
Show 134 Similar Posts

Zardari clicked the “Remove Friend” button on Obama’s profile by mistake, since then, they have become Friends again

Barack Obama sent George W Bush an invitation using Catch the Terrorist virtual game:
I challenge you to a game of Catch the Terrorist. I just scored 23,400 points in the game.
Think you can beat me?
P.S. I caught Osama and you didn’t!

Dawood has just deleted his Facebook account

ISI tried to join the Group CIA, but was denied access

David Cameron became a fan of Obama

Al-Qaeda has petitioned Facebook to make an “Add Enemies” application

Obama requests all his detractors to lay off, now that he has beaten the daylights out of all Republicans in catching terrorists.
P.S. I have a Nobel Peace Prize too!

This version By Sunil Rajguru

Osama’s death in Hollywood quotes…

Yes, we will finally see a photograph and probably video of Osama’s death.
But has anyone outside of American citizens actually seen his body?

Jerry Maguire
Show me the body!

Casablanca
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful conspiracy theory.

Apollo 13
Attobad Mission Centre: Islamabad, we have a problem!

Gone With the Wind
Obama to Zardari: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

On the Waterfront
Pak to US: You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a terrorist state, which is what I am.

Star Wars
The Taliban to Osama, when he left Afghanistan: May Pakistan be with you.

Cool Hand Luke
US-Pak ties: What we’ve got here is (a) failure to communicate.

A Few Good Men
Obama to Zardari: You can’t handle the truth!

The Terminator
The Ghost of Osama: I’ll be back.

Frankenstein
It’s dead! It’s dead!

Psycho
A Pak government’s best friend is his terrorist.

Wall Street
Pak creed: Terrorism, for lack of a better word, is good.

Sons of the Desert
Zardari Hardy to Laurel ISI: Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

Casablanca
Osama: Of all the ISI joints in all the towns in all of Pakistan, they walk into mine.

Titanic
Obama: I’m king of the world!

Grand Hotel
Osama: I want to be alone

Casablanca
The ISI after the capture: Round up the usual suspects.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Osama “death” musings…

Rumsfeld’s “unknowns” trumped…
Did Pakistan not know Osama was in Pakistan?
(How could they not know?)
Or are they merely pretending to not know?
If Pakistan knew, then did America know that Pakistan knew?
Or is Pakistan really playing the game… Does Pakistan know that America knows that Pakistan knew?
Past: They knew. Present: They are pretending to not know. Future: Who knows?

On Osama’s tombstone…
In Life: Osama bin Laden
In Death: Osama bin Body

The moot question….
Which Body was thrown into the ocean?
The Body of Evidence?
Or…
The Body of Lies?

Crazy conspiracy theory No. 2456…
Did Obama kill Osama?
Taking a vague and far-fetched numerology equation…
Put Obama and Osama side by side.
Cancel all the common letters.
All that is left is B… and S…
BS–>BullShit!

© Sunil Rajguru

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

1. The Tere bin Laden Theory
Osama died years back anonymously. A US top official saw the Bollywood film Tere bin Laden and decided to stage-manage the death of a look-alike. That’s why the US forces simply stormed in, got time to do DNA test and dump his body in the ocean on the way back all in a matter of hours. Plot could possibly be used for a Hollywood Tere bin Laden.

2. The WillKat Wedding Theory
Obama gave the the Osama kill order on April 29. And yet Osama died only on May 2. What happened in between?
British intelligence got wind of it and Queen Elizabeth personally called Obama to postpone the capture as it would upstage the marriage of her grandson William with Kate.
Britain hasn’t been America’s best friend for nothing.

3. The Change of Leadership Theory
People within Al-Qaeda were fed up and wanted a total change of leadership and infusion of fresh blood and therefore ratted him out.

4. The Osama-Pak Fallout Theory
Pak had been housing Osama for years. A tiff over some minor issue led ISI to anonymously tip the CIA.
They later pretended to know nothing about it.

5. The I am Bored Theory
Tired of being locked indoors for 10 years, Osama cracked up and slipped out for a morning walk at 4am and was noticed by a neighbour who anonymously tipped off the ISI who anonymously tipped off the CIA.

6. The Law of Averages Theory
Osama’s security head kept him hidden for more than 3500 days.
Look what happened when he had a bad day!

7. The Dubious Dubya Theory
George W Bush got top secret info on where Osama was hiding in his second term.
He decided to use it for a rainy day in maybe his third term. Only, he forgot that he was not entitled for a third term and he forgot about the note.
Obama found a note in his drawer that said: “Open on April 14, 2011 before the re-election campaign”. The note had the coordinates for the house which has been housing Osama from 2005.
Lucky Obama!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

TV Channels and the US President

(Please read in the spirit of “Blind men and the Elephant”)

A number of TV news channels came to see a US President. One was the first to click him stepping off the plane. It went running and screaming “Exclusive footage of the President’s feet landing on Indian soil.” Another got a side angle of his dancing wife: Exclusive No. 2. Another found out all about his favourite food while yet another about his views on some trivial issue that concerned no-one. Soon the number of exclusives ran into hundreds.

Meanwhile real issues that concerning the people of the land were all relegated firmly to the background as thousands of hours of TV footage and millions of viewers watched the spectacle of a president’s personal likes, dislikes, tourist visits, dance steps, political clichés and diet and no-one actually seemed to know what the actual political and economic ramifications were of such a visit…

This version by Sunil Rajguru