Tag Archives: obama

And the repartee was…

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Obama to Asia: US is here to stay, there’s nothing you can do about it!
Asia to Obama: Damn! We thought that continental drift was still taking place and the US was drifting apart from us!

Kambli to India: The 1996 India-Sri Lanka semi-final World Cup match was fixed!
India to Kambli: Hoto pe aisi baat tu daba ke chala aaya pandrah saal ke liye!

Mallya to Investors: Less lucrative routes! Aviation fuel hikes! Economy!
Investors to Mallya: IPL! F1!

CBI to SC: DMK! NDA! CAG! RIL! DoT!
SC to CBI: INC! INC! INC! INC!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Facebook Status Updates post Osama killing

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Obama has just caught and killed Osama
–>1,234,341 people Like this Status
Zardari–>Really? When? Don’t tell me!
ISI–>We also helped, but you’ll never know.
Taliban–>We know and we’ll show you, just you wait!
Chidambaram–>Ab hamari baari hai.
Zardari–>Don’t try to spoil the moment. Shoo!

General Kayani has just changed his status from “Lay off US” to “Lay off India”
Manmohan–>But what about our talks?
Sonia–>I think its time you concentrated on the domestic scene for a change
Manmohan–>Yes, Soniaji!
General Kayani–>Guys, please lay off my Wall!

Al-Zawahari has just deleted the Ultra Secret Closed Group “Osama Speaks”

Al-Zawahari has just been promoted to head of Al-Qaeda

Obama played the Mystic Tarot Game
And the Answer is: Your Rajyoga will continue till 2017
–>234 Republicans dislike this status

Abbottabad Osama Memorial Haveli Page created
–>1,234,342 have become fans

ISI has just put the Abbottabad Osama Memorial Haveli on sale
–>Last bidder bid $456 million…

A Pakistan Citizen is feeling sad that Osama is no more
–>1,234,342 people Like this Status

ISI–>CIA
Can you please please call us? Too many misunderstandings to sort out.
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Zardari clicked the “Remove Friend” button on Obama’s profile by mistake, since then, they have become Friends again

Barack Obama sent George W Bush an invitation using Catch the Terrorist virtual game:
I challenge you to a game of Catch the Terrorist. I just scored 23,400 points in the game.
Think you can beat me?
P.S. I caught Osama and you didn’t!

Dawood has just deleted his Facebook account

ISI tried to join the Group CIA, but was denied access

David Cameron became a fan of Obama

Al-Qaeda has petitioned Facebook to make an “Add Enemies” application

Obama requests all his detractors to lay off, now that he has beaten the daylights out of all Republicans in catching terrorists.
P.S. I have a Nobel Peace Prize too!

This version By Sunil Rajguru

Osama’s death in Hollywood quotes…

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Yes, we will finally see a photograph and probably video of Osama’s death.
But has anyone outside of American citizens actually seen his body?

Jerry Maguire
Show me the body!

Casablanca
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful conspiracy theory.

Apollo 13
Attobad Mission Centre: Islamabad, we have a problem!

Gone With the Wind
Obama to Zardari: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

On the Waterfront
Pak to US: You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a terrorist state, which is what I am.

Star Wars
The Taliban to Osama, when he left Afghanistan: May Pakistan be with you.

Cool Hand Luke
US-Pak ties: What we’ve got here is (a) failure to communicate.

A Few Good Men
Obama to Zardari: You can’t handle the truth!

The Terminator
The Ghost of Osama: I’ll be back.

Frankenstein
It’s dead! It’s dead!

Psycho
A Pak government’s best friend is his terrorist.

Wall Street
Pak creed: Terrorism, for lack of a better word, is good.

Sons of the Desert
Zardari Hardy to Laurel ISI: Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

Casablanca
Osama: Of all the ISI joints in all the towns in all of Pakistan, they walk into mine.

Titanic
Obama: I’m king of the world!

Grand Hotel
Osama: I want to be alone

Casablanca
The ISI after the capture: Round up the usual suspects.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Osama “death” musings…

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Rumsfeld’s “unknowns” trumped…
Did Pakistan not know Osama was in Pakistan?
(How could they not know?)
Or are they merely pretending to not know?
If Pakistan knew, then did America know that Pakistan knew?
Or is Pakistan really playing the game… Does Pakistan know that America knows that Pakistan knew?
Past: They knew. Present: They are pretending to not know. Future: Who knows?

On Osama’s tombstone…
In Life: Osama bin Laden
In Death: Osama bin Body

The moot question….
Which Body was thrown into the ocean?
The Body of Evidence?
Or…
The Body of Lies?

Crazy conspiracy theory No. 2456…
Did Obama kill Osama?
Taking a vague and far-fetched numerology equation…
Put Obama and Osama side by side.
Cancel all the common letters.
All that is left is B… and S…
BS–>BullShit!

© Sunil Rajguru

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

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7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

1. The Tere bin Laden Theory
Osama died years back anonymously. A US top official saw the Bollywood film Tere bin Laden and decided to stage-manage the death of a look-alike. That’s why the US forces simply stormed in, got time to do DNA test and dump his body in the ocean on the way back all in a matter of hours. Plot could possibly be used for a Hollywood Tere bin Laden.

2. The WillKat Wedding Theory
Obama gave the the Osama kill order on April 29. And yet Osama died only on May 2. What happened in between?
British intelligence got wind of it and Queen Elizabeth personally called Obama to postpone the capture as it would upstage the marriage of her grandson William with Kate.
Britain hasn’t been America’s best friend for nothing.

3. The Change of Leadership Theory
People within Al-Qaeda were fed up and wanted a total change of leadership and infusion of fresh blood and therefore ratted him out.

4. The Osama-Pak Fallout Theory
Pak had been housing Osama for years. A tiff over some minor issue led ISI to anonymously tip the CIA.
They later pretended to know nothing about it.

5. The I am Bored Theory
Tired of being locked indoors for 10 years, Osama cracked up and slipped out for a morning walk at 4am and was noticed by a neighbour who anonymously tipped off the ISI who anonymously tipped off the CIA.

6. The Law of Averages Theory
Osama’s security head kept him hidden for more than 3500 days.
Look what happened when he had a bad day!

7. The Dubious Dubya Theory
George W Bush got top secret info on where Osama was hiding in his second term.
He decided to use it for a rainy day in maybe his third term. Only, he forgot that he was not entitled for a third term and he forgot about the note.
Obama found a note in his drawer that said: “Open on April 14, 2011 before the re-election campaign”. The note had the coordinates for the house which has been housing Osama from 2005.
Lucky Obama!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

TV Channels and the US President

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(Please read in the spirit of “Blind men and the Elephant”)

A number of TV news channels came to see a US President. One was the first to click him stepping off the plane. It went running and screaming “Exclusive footage of the President’s feet landing on Indian soil.” Another got a side angle of his dancing wife: Exclusive No. 2. Another found out all about his favourite food while yet another about his views on some trivial issue that concerned no-one. Soon the number of exclusives ran into hundreds.

Meanwhile real issues that concerning the people of the land were all relegated firmly to the background as thousands of hours of TV footage and millions of viewers watched the spectacle of a president’s personal likes, dislikes, tourist visits, dance steps, political clichés and diet and no-one actually seemed to know what the actual political and economic ramifications were of such a visit…

This version by Sunil Rajguru