Vishwaroopam musings…

· Krishna to Arjun: Come I’ll show you my Vishwaroopa.
Kamal Haasan to Tamil Nadu: Come I’ll show you my Vishwaroopam.
Jaya: Hold it right there, you’re no Krishna!

· Instead of saying “Jai ho!” Kamal Haasan will have to start singing “Jaya ho!”

· A Tamil superstar’s film can be released anywhere in the world except Tamil Nadu.
An Indian-born writer can travel anywhere in the world except India.

· Too much democracy in India: Every citizen is becoming a Censor Board, moral policeman, judge and jury.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If the Congress had their way…

…the Kumbh Mela would be declared the biggest terrorist camp in the whole world.

…they would revert to a Monarchy and declare Sonia Empress.

…all TV channels save Doordarshan would be banned.

…all TV debates would feature only Congress spokespersons.

…the BJP would be declared a terrorist organization.

…they would clone multiple Rahuls to energize the whole country.

…Gujarat would be declared a breakaway country because of Modi.

…Section 66A would apply to the offline world too.

…Section 144 would apply to the whole country.

…the word “corruption” itself would be banned.

…it would be illegal to even have a Twitter or Facebook account.

…the CBI would be renamed the Congress’ Bureau of Investigation.

…Anna Hazare would be force-fed rich food all the time.

…Arvind Kejriwal would be force-fed mangoes all day.

© Sunil Rajguru

How India actually votes in the general elections…

1951, 57, 62: Let’s vote for Nehru.

1967: Let’s give Indira a chance.

1971: Indira rocks! Let’s vote for her again.

1977: Indira is so arrogant. Let’s just vote against her.

1980: Indira wasn’t so bad after all. Let’s vote for her again.

1984: Indira is gone. Poor Rajiv. Let’s give him a chance.

1989: Rajiv is so arrogant. Let’s just vote against him.

1991: Poor Rajiv went. Let’s vote for Congress.

1996: What, no dynasty? No vote for Congress.

1998, 99: Actually, Sonia is still inexperienced. Let’s not vote for her just yet.

2004: Ah! Sonia is experienced now. Let’s vote for her.

2009: Sonia has done such a decent job. Let’s vote for her again.

2014: Let’s give Rahul a chance.

© Sunil Rajguru

More Rahul Gandhi prime ministerial musings…

· Nehru: 1947. Indira: 1966. Rajiv: 1984. Sonia: 2004.
A new dynasty member comes to power roughly every 19 years.
So here’s hoping Rahul comes not before 2023!

· Rahul Gandhi cannot even hope to be be the greatest Rahul ever.
(Dravid and RD Burman fans may agree.)

· Some said that Rahul Gandhi’s speech was his Obama moment.
Let him become PM and then he’ll have more George W Bush moments than Bush himself.

· Rahul Gandhi will definitely save the Congress. 100%.
That he will destroy India is another matter altogether.

· An Abhishek Bachchan movie, 2004: After 15 flops, he finally delivers a hit!
A Rahul Gandhi speech, 2013: After 15 flops, he finally delivers a hit!
P.S. You only get one chance in life, unless you’re part of an Indian dynasty.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Rahul Gandhi prime ministerial musings…

∙ Rahul Gandhi: The man with Zero achievements, a Thousand speeches, a Million sycophants and who’ll one day rule a Billion lives.

∙ Rahul Gandhi could not be made “working” President because for that, he would actually have to “work”.

Ae mere watan ke logon,
zara aakho main bhar lo paani,
desh shaheed hoga ab to,
kyu ki Rahul banega pradhan mantri.

∙ After 1991: Rahul was virtually No. 2.
When Sonia entered politics: Practically No. 2.
After 2004: Unofficially No. 2.
Now he’s officially No. 2.
So many promotions to stay in the same place!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

In my next life, I want to be reborn as…

…a pigeon, so I could crap on everyone and everything whenever I want.

…a tiger, so I could sleep for 20 hours a day and work for only 4 hours.

…a cat, so I could lick myself all day and not give a damn about anyone.

…a dog, so I could unconditionally love one person for life.

…a shark, then the Jaws theme music would be my lunch tune.

…a panda, so I could sit around and eat all day non-stop doing nothing else.

…a tortoise and take life real slow and easy.

…a rabbit and reproduce like crazy.

…Great Basin Bristlecone Pine and live for a few thousand years.

…a mosquito and live on blood like a vampire.

© Sunil Rajguru

Aman ki asha musings…

∙ Pak is Aman.
India is Asha.
Only Pak can bring peace.
India can only hope.

∙ Too much peace will leave you in pieces.
Some times it’s just best to stop talking peace.
Justice is far more important.
Respect our soldiers.

∙ Cong to Pak: Do not to test India’s patience!
Pak to Cong: We’ve been testing it for 65 years now, what’s a few decades more?

∙ Aman ki Asha=Chaman ki Bhasha.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India male chauvinistic musings…

∙ 21st Century equality…
If you’re an Indian female: Wear proper clothes, don’t go out at night and be submissive.
If you’re a male politician: Rape, murder, give hate speeches and rubbish the above female.

∙ A politician said the stars are against women.
He is right. They have been against women for thousands of years now and only men and women can change that and not the stars.

∙ Joke: The biggest reason for divorce is marriage.
Sum wisdom of our sick politicians and leaders: The biggest reason for rape is woman.
Reality: It’s always the man’s fault.

∙ When will they realize…
…there isn’t any harmless teasing in “Eve Teasing”, it’s downright Adam Goondagardi.
…there is absolutely nothing honourable about honour killings, which are in fact cold-blooded murders.
..there is nothing moral about moral policing and why even call it policing?
…a Godman is actually a Delusional Human.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Those Indian chauvinistic leaders…

· The most dangerous killer for man is heart attack.
The most dangerous killer for woman is man attack.

· Once: Insensitive Statement of the Year Award.
2012: Insensitive Statement of the Day.
2013: We can institute an Insensitive Statement of the Hour Award.

· I’d rather be infamous than anonymous: The common Indian leader.

· Many decades ago, a lot of Indian women prayed for sons who would be sexy.
Unfortunately they mispronounced it as sexist.

· Politicians are pretty competitive by nature.
Right now there’s an intense competition going on in India over who’ll make the silliest comment over women’s issues.

· Overheard in heaven…
Q: Bapu, aapka naam badnaam ho raha hai Asaram ke kaaran.
Bapu: Arre, mera naam tabhi tamaam ho gaya tha jab 2004 main Rahul naam ka joker politics main aaya.

· Allegation: 95% Indians are stupid.
Fact: 95% Indian politicians have conclusively proved their stupidity.

· Dear Asaram Bapu,
Who in their right frame of mind would want to have a rapist as their brother? And in your particular case, God is responsible for creating people like you in the first place.

· 1980: The Gods Must Be Crazy.
2013: The Politicians Must Be Crazy.
(Just one anti-women remark after another like a torrential downpour)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian cricket musings…

· The Revenge Series began after we won the 2011 WC.
Basically that means every team is taking revenge against us after that.

· Rohit Sharma is the only cricketer who’s Past is Continuously forgotten, Present is always Tense, but Future is always Perfect.

· Indo-Pak match fixed?
Chhodo yaar, life itself is fixed.
Haven’t you heard of fate?

· Tim Allen: I act in a TV show called Last Man Standing. It’s on Star World.
MS Dhoni: I act in a reality show called Last Man Standing. It’s on Star Cricket.

· BCCI: Dhoni hamara sukh-dukh ka saathi hai.
Sukh bahut dekh liya, ab dukh bhi jhelte hai.

· “Enough money to last 7 generations” quote remixed…
BCCI: Usne hamare liye itna paisa kamaya ki ab woh saat saal tak khel sakta hai.

· What may be happening…
Players: Seniors problem.
Seniors: Captain problem.
Captain: Coach problem.
Coach. Hands tied. BCCI problem.
BCCI: Problem? No financial problem!

· More than Revenge Series, the BCCI should start organizing Retirement Series.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian TV news channel realities…

• Breaking News is a Broken Record.

• From 1998-2004 they were anti-establishment.
From 2004-12 they are pro-establishment.
(That’s a sophisticated way of saying that they are basically Congress lackeys.)

• Since every channel has exactly the same exclusive, exclusives should be renamed “mutual exclusives”.

• When William Faulkner said, “…it is a tale, Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.” he was actually referring to the news channel debate participant.

• This is the only profession where you can thrive by asking arrogant, rude and stupid questions all the time.

• The BJP will totally oppose the Congress.
The Congress will totally oppose the BJP.
Beyond a point of time you totally forget what the topic of discussion is.

• The moment a Congress spokesperson enters the picture, the level of noise goes up significantly.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

December 2012 Status Updates

• The BCCI will soon honour Rohit Sharma for the most “Guest Appearances” in an Indian innings.

(December 30)

• US Politicians: Lead from the Front.
Indian Politicians: Hide from all Fronts.

(December 29)

• “He was the best of writers, he was the worst of writers.”
(Since Rediff compares Chetan Bhagat to Charles Dickens)

(December 28 )

• Overheard at NDC meet…
Jaya to Manmohan: You have no idea how humiliated I feel.
Manmohan to Jaya: Ha! I know. By now “Humiliation” has become my middle name.

• Overheard at NDC meet…
Manmohan to Jaya: Your time as speaker is up.
Jaya to Manmohan: Your time as PM is up.

(December 27)

• Before every Press Conference, Dhoni says: Which one should I tick today?
A. Our batsmen failed.
B. Our bowlers failed.
C. The pitch failed.
D. We were just unlucky.
E. All of the above.

(December 26)

• The Mayans said that the world will end on 21122012.
That’s 21 million years away.
Some wise guy read it as 21.12.2012.

(December 25)

• Take Dabangg.
Dilute it 2 times.
Get Dabangg 2.

(December 22)

• Sanjay Nirupam to Smriti Irani: Aap to paise ke liye thumke lagati thi!
Translation: The Congress welcomes rapists, murderers and criminals in its party, but not former TV stars.

(December 21)

• Arnab Goswami to interview look-alike statues instead of guests instead of the originals.
This’ll save costs and nobody will notice the difference.
Only Arnab talks anyway.
The interview of Manmohan Singh is sure to be a blockbuster.

(December 18 )

• Every Pakistani cricket team dreams of beating India in India.
Every Pakistani politician dreams of insulting India in India.
Rehman Malik will give a big Thank You card to Manmohan on his way back.

(December 17)

• Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me a 100 times and I’m India while you’re Pakistan.
Aao, Rehman Malik, hamari baja ke jao…

(December 16)

• Can’t play abroad. Can’t play spin at home. Can’t play pace at home.
Test cricket England main paida hua, Australia main jawaan hua aur India main boodha hoke mar gaya.

• Once Sehwag’s favourite dish was Bowlers Fry.
Now its Duck Soup.

(December 14)

• 1990…
Critic: Aap desh ko bech rahe ho!
Prime Minister Chandrashekhar: Khareedega kaun?
2010…
Critic: Aap desh ko bech rahe ho!
Prime Minister: Ab koi khatra nahin kyunki desh poori tarah se bik chuka hai!

(December 12)

• BSP: We’ll support FDI if you get Promotion bill.
Congress: OK!
SP: We’ll support FDI if you don’t get Promotion Bill.
Congress: OK!
Newcomer: Ab kya?
Old-timer: Chhod, roz ka re!

• Oppan Ganganam Style: PSY
Open Rebellion Style: BSY

• Congress: There’s no democracy within the party.
BJP: There’s too much democracy within the party.
SP/BSP: Partymen don’t even know what democracy is.

(December 10)

• 20 more IITs? Hope they don’t become Inferior Institutes of Technology.

• Karnataka and Tamil Nadu are the only states whose ties are measured in cusecs.

(December 6)

• We have severe cultural differences with Norway. Here we simply kill girls in the womb for being girls and kill boys who marry outside the community in the name of honour.

• Dhoni to selectors trying to push for Bhajji: Don’t give me gyan, just give me Pragyan. I want to win. So just add AshWin.

• Old publishers: We will have our books in every nook and corner.
New publishers: We will have our books in every Nook and Kindle.

• Q: Unlike others, how come you read the writing on the wall and quit at the right time?
Rahul Dravid: Well it was was easier for me, as I am the wall, remember?

(December 5)

• Olympic motto: Faster, Higher, Stronger.
Indian Olympic motto: Faster profits, Higher bribes, Stronger scams.

• In terms of representation, the Olympics has just lost 1.2 billion people.
In terms of medal count it has lost just 0.6%.

• India has always had some form of FDI for 2000+ years, from Alexander to the Mughals to the British.
Why create such a hoo-haa now?

(December 4)

∙ In conservative India, gay still means happy, bisexual is in biology texts, transgender transcends intelligence and the very concept of lesbianism makes heads spin. And LGBT? Sound like another version of the BT plant.

∙ The Times of India has transformed Page 3 journalism again.
Now the Front Page is the new Page 3, thanks to the full page ad at the beginning.

∙ Old: Ek haath se paisa do, doosre haath se vote lo.
New: Ek click se paisa bhejo, doosre click se vote pao.

(December 3)

© Sunil Rajguru