Indian TV news channel realities…

• Breaking News is a Broken Record.

• From 1998-2004 they were anti-establishment.
From 2004-12 they are pro-establishment.
(That’s a sophisticated way of saying that they are basically Congress lackeys.)

• Since every channel has exactly the same exclusive, exclusives should be renamed “mutual exclusives”.

• When William Faulkner said, “…it is a tale, Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.” he was actually referring to the news channel debate participant.

• This is the only profession where you can thrive by asking arrogant, rude and stupid questions all the time.

• The BJP will totally oppose the Congress.
The Congress will totally oppose the BJP.
Beyond a point of time you totally forget what the topic of discussion is.

• The moment a Congress spokesperson enters the picture, the level of noise goes up significantly.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

December 2012 Status Updates

• The BCCI will soon honour Rohit Sharma for the most “Guest Appearances” in an Indian innings.

(December 30)

• US Politicians: Lead from the Front.
Indian Politicians: Hide from all Fronts.

(December 29)

• “He was the best of writers, he was the worst of writers.”
(Since Rediff compares Chetan Bhagat to Charles Dickens)

(December 28 )

• Overheard at NDC meet…
Jaya to Manmohan: You have no idea how humiliated I feel.
Manmohan to Jaya: Ha! I know. By now “Humiliation” has become my middle name.

• Overheard at NDC meet…
Manmohan to Jaya: Your time as speaker is up.
Jaya to Manmohan: Your time as PM is up.

(December 27)

• Before every Press Conference, Dhoni says: Which one should I tick today?
A. Our batsmen failed.
B. Our bowlers failed.
C. The pitch failed.
D. We were just unlucky.
E. All of the above.

(December 26)

• The Mayans said that the world will end on 21122012.
That’s 21 million years away.
Some wise guy read it as 21.12.2012.

(December 25)

• Take Dabangg.
Dilute it 2 times.
Get Dabangg 2.

(December 22)

• Sanjay Nirupam to Smriti Irani: Aap to paise ke liye thumke lagati thi!
Translation: The Congress welcomes rapists, murderers and criminals in its party, but not former TV stars.

(December 21)

• Arnab Goswami to interview look-alike statues instead of guests instead of the originals.
This’ll save costs and nobody will notice the difference.
Only Arnab talks anyway.
The interview of Manmohan Singh is sure to be a blockbuster.

(December 18 )

• Every Pakistani cricket team dreams of beating India in India.
Every Pakistani politician dreams of insulting India in India.
Rehman Malik will give a big Thank You card to Manmohan on his way back.

(December 17)

• Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me a 100 times and I’m India while you’re Pakistan.
Aao, Rehman Malik, hamari baja ke jao…

(December 16)

• Can’t play abroad. Can’t play spin at home. Can’t play pace at home.
Test cricket England main paida hua, Australia main jawaan hua aur India main boodha hoke mar gaya.

• Once Sehwag’s favourite dish was Bowlers Fry.
Now its Duck Soup.

(December 14)

• 1990…
Critic: Aap desh ko bech rahe ho!
Prime Minister Chandrashekhar: Khareedega kaun?
Critic: Aap desh ko bech rahe ho!
Prime Minister: Ab koi khatra nahin kyunki desh poori tarah se bik chuka hai!

(December 12)

• BSP: We’ll support FDI if you get Promotion bill.
Congress: OK!
SP: We’ll support FDI if you don’t get Promotion Bill.
Congress: OK!
Newcomer: Ab kya?
Old-timer: Chhod, roz ka re!

• Oppan Ganganam Style: PSY
Open Rebellion Style: BSY

• Congress: There’s no democracy within the party.
BJP: There’s too much democracy within the party.
SP/BSP: Partymen don’t even know what democracy is.

(December 10)

• 20 more IITs? Hope they don’t become Inferior Institutes of Technology.

• Karnataka and Tamil Nadu are the only states whose ties are measured in cusecs.

(December 6)

• We have severe cultural differences with Norway. Here we simply kill girls in the womb for being girls and kill boys who marry outside the community in the name of honour.

• Dhoni to selectors trying to push for Bhajji: Don’t give me gyan, just give me Pragyan. I want to win. So just add AshWin.

• Old publishers: We will have our books in every nook and corner.
New publishers: We will have our books in every Nook and Kindle.

• Q: Unlike others, how come you read the writing on the wall and quit at the right time?
Rahul Dravid: Well it was was easier for me, as I am the wall, remember?

(December 5)

• Olympic motto: Faster, Higher, Stronger.
Indian Olympic motto: Faster profits, Higher bribes, Stronger scams.

• In terms of representation, the Olympics has just lost 1.2 billion people.
In terms of medal count it has lost just 0.6%.

• India has always had some form of FDI for 2000+ years, from Alexander to the Mughals to the British.
Why create such a hoo-haa now?

(December 4)

∙ In conservative India, gay still means happy, bisexual is in biology texts, transgender transcends intelligence and the very concept of lesbianism makes heads spin. And LGBT? Sound like another version of the BT plant.

∙ The Times of India has transformed Page 3 journalism again.
Now the Front Page is the new Page 3, thanks to the full page ad at the beginning.

∙ Old: Ek haath se paisa do, doosre haath se vote lo.
New: Ek click se paisa bhejo, doosre click se vote pao.

(December 3)

© Sunil Rajguru