How Modi should solve the Kashmir problem… #AdarshLiberals

Dear Prime Minister Narendra Modi,

You have to instantaneously solve the Kashmir problem. That’s what you were voted for. #AccheDin in Kashmir too.
For this remember….
1. You cannot declare war on Pakistan.
2. You can’t indulge in any form of conflict with them.
3. You can’t do hot pursuit into PoK which is in fact 100% Pakistani land.
4. You can’t even call Pakistan a terrorist state for the poor ole country is a victim of terror.
5. You can’t break economic ties with Pakistan.
6. Bus/train services should continue as should the exchange of artists/intellectuals/journalists.
7. Forget pellet guns, the entire Army should be withdrawn from Kashmir.
8. You cannot even dream of touching the Indus Water Treaty let along changing it.
9. All Pro-Pakistani elements in India should be strengthened.
10. All ultra-nationalists and those shouting pro-India slogans should be jailed.
11. Balochistan is a terrorist province troubling the poor peaceful people of Pakistan. Please leave the issue alone and stop raising it.
12. All terrorists in Pakistan are freedom fighters.
13. Please release all those accused of terrorism from Indian jails and abolish the death sentence only for terrorists.
14. Stop your stupid bravado and become more humble to Pakistan for it is a superior civilization.
15. Send our cricketers to Pakistan. If they are that patriotic then they should be able to brave bombs there. Get their cricketers here and give them double fees for IPL.
16. Never ever raise all the failings of all the Congress leaders from 1947-2014.
17. The spiritual homeland of our Communists is China, so behave with them too to solve the Pakistan problem.
18. America has ruined Pakistan, so stop your stupid bromance with Obama.
Please keep all these things in mind and solve the Kashmir problem immediately.
You have already been Prime Minister for a whopping 28 months now and have totally failed.
It might be a good idea to step down and get BJP to withdraw from the snap polls and let Pappu become Prime Minister and Kejri LoP. They are India’s only hopes.
No thanks and not much regards,
#AdarshLiberals

If Pappu had to formally apply for the post of Indian Prime Minister…

Dear glorious citizens of India,

I would like to apply for the post of Prime Minister of India. First let me tell you a bit about myself.

Professional qualifications: I have studied something in some foreign universities and I did some work somewhere for some time, but please don’t ask anything more about all of it. I don’t like talking about all these experiences. You have to take my word for it.

Government experience: I have never been a central minister or Chief Minister or anything like that as it requires a lot of hard work. I have never been a bureaucrat. I have never been part of committees that did something ground-breaking. I inherited the constituency of Amethi in Uttar Pradesh and I have been hanging around in the
Lok Sabha (on and off) for a whopping 12 years now. But in my defence, that is far far more experience than any Nehru-Gandhi dynast had when he or she took over as Prime Minister.

Speeches: This is my biggest body of experience. I have made millions and millions of speeches in the length and breadth of this great land, in rural and urban centres and for Assembly and general elections. I believe I am already the most experienced speech giver in my party.

So what if I spout nonsense from time to time. So what if my speech writers appear to be imbeciles? So what if I’m met by empty venues at times? So what if none of my speeches can be converted to votes? So what if most of them are disastrous?

Please look at my immense body of work and honour it.

Social media presence: I have already become a legend in the social media circuit. If you combine all the word counts and images of all the Pappu jokes, spoofs and laughs on Twitter, Facebook and the like, then I have already surpassed the combined publicity of the entire Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty manifold.

Haven’t you heard of the phrase: There is no such thing as bad publicity! Even on YouTube, the 1 hour plus interview with Arnab Goswami making a fool of myself got a good 3.2 million views. The channel was really happy. In fact all media houses really adore me.

As it is most wise men are insisting that Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross Domestic Product. Think how much laughter and happiness I will be able to give to the country of India when I become Prime Minister!

My recent achievements: Our friend Kejriwal thrashed Modi in Delhi. The Mahagatbandhan thrashed Modi in Bihar. Modi got thrashed in Uttarakhand President’s Rule fiasco. Modi got thrashed in Arunachal Pradesh President’s Rule fiasco.

Even when Modi is not getting thrashed I am totally useless and Modi is doing so much work. Yet the media, intellectuals and liberals attack Modi far far more. That’s the power of my personality. If I become Prime Minister, I will have the entire mainstream media, intellectuals and liberals eating out of my hand. That hasn’t happened to Modi, has it?

My trump card: So why should I be made Prime Minister? It’s simple really.
1. My great grandfather was Prime Minister.
2. My grandmother was Prime Minister.
3. My uncle was de facto Prime Minister.
4. My father was Prime Minister.
5. My mother was de facto Prime Minister.

That’s five good reasons while the mean chaiwallah had none and still you made him Prime Minister! I am the system (at least I was till 2014) and therefore only I can really change the system.

Anyway, please do not worry as I am in no hurry. If things go wrong with the chaiwallah then I automatically win in 2019. If things go right then there’s always anti-incumbency in 2024. Even if that fails there’s always 2029 and 2034.

I can emulate Manmohan Singh chachaji. He became Prime Minister quite late. Come to think of it Morarji Desai first became Prime Minister at the age of 81! I will turn 81 in 2051. So that’s how long you have to bear me! Better to make me Prime Minister as early as possible and get it done with!

(P.S. When I finally become Prime Minister, I will require more than six months of vacation in a year. But I am very happy with the chaiwallah for setting precedence. I will simply try to break his foreign trips record. I can holiday for one month at a time and maybe have just a couple of chai meeting with foreign leaders to justify it! Chaiwallah zindabad! Actually come to think of it, I can simply take a vacation till 2019! Hmmm… how tempting!)

Yours in good earnest,

Pappu.

(In case you haven’t guessed it, this is a spoof about Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi)

© Sunil Rajguru

How Modi almost lost the 2019 general elections, but pulled back just in time!

When Narendra Modi became Prime Minister in 2014, the first task he said to himself is, “I have to finish all my enemies for good.” So he promptly threw the national damaad Robert Vadra in jail and even opened up files regarding Priyanka Vadra’s multiple DINs and allocation of a Lutyens bungalow for her.

Modi then went full steam ahead in the National Herald case and also the AgustaWestland scam. That was enough to throw Congress President Sonia Gandhi into jail with a non-bailable warrant.

Former Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was investigated thoroughly in both 2G and Coalgate. P Chidambaram many allegations were also looked into. Both were summarily arrested.

Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi decided he couldn’t take the heat anymore and so he abdicated and took a permanent vacation to Spain. Old fogies like Digvijay Singh and Mani Shankar Aiyar realized their game was up and sank into comfortable retirement.

Next in line was the mainstream media. All major media houses were investigated for financial irregularities, Income Tax evasion, foreign exchange violations, links with Pakistani sources and anything else you could think of.

As a result dozens of media moguls and senior editors were thrown in jail with extremely dim prospects. Activists and NGOs all across India found themselves totally starved of all support and faded into oblivion. The powerful Lutyens Club of the nation’s capital was finally busted and the so-called liberals and intellectuals finally decided to keep their mouths shut for good.

Modi surveyed his domain and realized that he was the sole dictator and there was absolutely no Opposition. And he was pleased. Fascist dictator they said! Fascist dictator they got!

However after that things did not go exactly as planned.

The Congress party elected Jyotiraditya Scindia as their President and Sachin Pilot as their Vice President. The remaining old fogies couldn’t take it anymore and all the deadwood was finally jettisoned from the Grand Old Party.

This duo rejuvenated the party big time and all the State units were in turn galvanized. All the party’s young talent came to the fore and as a result they started attracting youngsters all over the country.

All the anti-Modi forces realized that in the post-Pappu era, the Congress finally had a chance of winning and flocked to the revamped party. In a few years nobody recognized it anymore as it became a brand new party simply brimming with new ideas and new talent.

The mainstream media meanwhile was also purged and the new breed of editors decided to do some honest and serious journalism for a change. So instead of indulging in blind meaningless Modi-bashing 24X7 as their predecessors had done, they started doing prim and proper investigative stories.

That ended in exposing a lot of so called stalwarts of the saffron party and Team Modi suddenly looked very vulnerable. They also punched many valid holes in many of his schemes and plans.

Twitter India which had got totally bored of Modi’s unchallenged domain and was discussing Bollywood, food fashion and cricket returned to politics with a bang. They jumped into the bandwagon and started taking all these issues with great gusto. Suddenly Modi’s 22 million odd followers seemed like a liability.

So in the end the New Congress, the New Mainstream Media and even a good part of the social media got together and launched a blistering attack on Modi’s Prime Ministership with cold facts and great ideas for a change.

As a result Modi got a heavy drubbing in the 2019 general elections and found his political career as good as dead…

Then Modi got up in a cold sweat fresh from this nightmare and vowed not to take any concrete action against Congress leaders and his enemies in the mainstream media and make sure they were all alive and kicking in the 2019 elections.

In fact they were his best bet of securing a second term!

Thanks to their intensely vitriolic 14-year attack he had won the 2002, 2007 and 2014 elections in style. He probably needed them more than he needed them!

In fact during the Delhi Assembly elections, Team Modi members had engaged too much with the media and were seen on all the channels all the time. That led to Modi’s first ever electoral drubbing in his entire life.

For Bihar the most reliable pollster Chanakya was giving the NDA close to two-thirds on the upper side making them rank favourites. The final blow came when NDTV declared them victors in their exit polls! Imagine Modi and NDTV on the same side! Sacrilege! No wonder they got plastered in Bihar too and a convict like Lalu romped home!

Modi wasn’t really used to being the favourite and thrived as an underdog. He had to get back to ignoring the media and being hated and attacked by the media. He took steps accordingly. He just had to make sure that Subramanian Swamy wouldn’t throw Sonia and Pappu in jail before 2019 and he was appeased with a Rajya Sabha seat.

And Modi and media lived happily ever after!

This is how the Hillary-Trump debates will go…

Actual Twitter exchange between US Presidential Republican candidate Donald Trump and Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton

Trump: Obama just endorsed Crooked Hillary. He wants four more years of Obama—but nobody else does!

Hillary:  Delete your account.

Trump: How long did it take your staff of 823 people to think that up–and where are your 33,000 emails that you deleted?

So, this is how the Hillary-Trump debates will go then…

Hillary: You have made money from a corrupt private system.
Trump: You have made money from a corrupt government system.

Hillary: You should be jailed for your comments.
Trump: You should be jailed for your deeds.

Hillary: You are a misogynist.
Trump: Your husband is a bigger misogynist and you’re standing on his shoulders.

Hillary: You are a hated man!
Trump: You are more hated!

Hillary: Your party hates you!
Trump: So does yours!

Hillary: You will be a disaster as President!
Trump: You will be a bigger disaster!

Hillary: Your foreign policy will be a joke when you become President.
Trump: You foreign policy was a bigger joke when you were Secretary of State.

Hillary: You are a polarizing figure.
Trump: You are more polarizing.

I have succeeded because it is my delusion that he has failed…

Q: What are your qualifications?
Kejri: Modi has a fake degree.

Q: What is the Delhi Model?
Kejri: The Gujarat Model is a flop.

Q: There are many cases against AAP MLAs. Should they be arrested?
Kejri: Modi is not arresting Sonia because he is afraid of her.

Q: You haven’t ever attacked Sonia directly.
Kejri: Modi is not arresting Sonia because he is afraid of her.

Q: You have met many religious hardliners. Are you communal?
Kejri: Modi is communal.

Q: Modi is leading a power transformation in India.
Kejri: Power situation has deteriorated in Delhi. Modi is a flop.

Q: Private vehicles contribute to just 2-3% to air pollution. What’s the point of the odd and even scheme with all its exceptions?
Kejri: It is a conspiracy by Modi.

Q: Why are you spending so much money on ads all across India?
Kejri: Modi has spent more.

Q: But he is Prime Minister of all of India and you are Chief Minister of just New Delhi.
Kejri: Modi has spent more.

Q: What are your achievements?
Kejri: Modi is a failure.

© Sunil Rajguru

How they should teach Communism in our school and colleges…

communism-17093_640Communism is an authoritarian ideology which believes that the State is a dictator and all its citizens should be oppressed in perpetuity. It collapsed partially in China in 1978 and totally in the erstwhile USSR (The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics) in 1991, toppling all the Communist regimes in Europe. Experiments in Cuba and North Korea converted it into a full-fledged one-man dictatorship.

In 2016 there is still a desperate attempt to revive it through a handful of parties and student unions in India. Communism uses subterfuge, violence and aggressive agitations to push forward. It cleverly uses the clothes of utopia to dress a supremely dictatorial body.

It has fooled millions and millions of people and still rears its ugly head from time to time right in the middle of flourishing democracies like Arvind Kejriwal in New Delhi in 2013, Alexis Tsipras in Greece in 2015 and Bernie Sanders in America in 2016.

In the nineteenth century, it ruled the mind space of oppressed classes all over the world.

In the twentieth century, it ruled the mind space of governments all over the world.

In the twenty first century, it still rules the mind space of intelligentsia, liberals, seculars, academicians, universities, newspapers, magazines, TV channels and fringe political groups all over the world. These groups still hope and strive for total global domination.

Being atheist in nature, it abhors Right-wing groups from Christianity, Judaism and Hinduism, but curiously fully embraces far Right Muslim groups.

It is quite befitting that the founder Karl Marx never worked an honest day in his life and sponged off the kindness of others and Capitalism and was a Grade 1 Fart and Hypocrite.

Communism is like a virus which no matter how many times you eradicate, still comes back as a new strain. Once you get infected, you become totally immune to its million and one contradictions and want to just outrage for 24X7 for all the good and bad things in this world.

Synonyms: Anarchy, authoritarianism, dictatorship, ruin, financial collapse, genocide, hypocrisy, death…

Antonyms: Freedom, democracy, capitalism, happiness, life, prosperity, logic, common sense…

The flag of Communism is held high by the likes of Sonia Gandhi (India), Jeremy Corbyn (England) and Kim Jong-un (North Korea).

Even Nobel Laureates like Amartya Sen who should understand economics better are severely infected with a Communist strain.

It is associated with the colour red because it leads to bloodshed wherever it goes. Hitler wasn’t the biggest mass murderer of the twenty first century, but Communist leaders Stalin and Mao were.

china-1616747_640So it is quite common for worshippers of Mao and Stalin to call anyone they dislike a “Hitler”. Also goes by the name of Naxalism, Maoism and intellectualism in India.

Founded in 1848, it is yet to be eradicated 168 years after and continues with its onward march of destruction.

© Sunil Rajguru

How Congress slogans should actually change…

Then… and…
Now.

Garibi Hatao.
Congress Hatao.

Wipe every tear from every eye.
Wipe every Congress leader from every State.

Ho raha Bharat Nirman.
Ho raha Pappu Nirman.

Poori roti khayenge, Congress ko jitayenge.
Poora scam ka paisa khaayenge, desh ko dubaayenge.

Kattar soch nahin, yuva josh.
Kattar soch, nahin yuva josh.

Main nahih, hum.
Hum gaya tel lene, sirf main.

Vote for calf and cow,
Forget all others now,
Vote Congress.
Vote for cow slaughter,
Vote Congress.

Jai Jawan Jai Kisan.
OROP Jawan MNREGA Kisan.

Indira is India and India is Indira.
Sonia and Pappu are India and India is Sonia and Pappu.
(That doesn’t make any sense. Well, this party stopped making sense long back.)

Congress ka hath, Aam Aadmi ke saath
Congress ka hath, aam aadmi ko thappad.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Why Dhoni may have quit Tests…

Captaincy bhi main karu.

Wicket-keeping bhi main karu.

Batting main bhi mujhe 4 down karna pade.

Sidelined coach ka void bhi main bharu.

Batting collapses aur spineless bowling ko main jhelu.

Test losses ka gaaliyon ka bauchaar bhi main jhelu.

Aur ye sab ODI/IPL/T20s/media scrutiny ke bojh ke saath!

Bahut hua (Test) sammaan!

I quit!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

 

What Vadra was actually saying…

Pappu: Can I be PM?
Vadra: #AreYouSerious?

Pappu: I’ll be the greatest PM ever.
Vadra: #AreYouNuts?

Pappu: Congress is a great party that will remove India of its poverty.
Vadra: #WhatsWrongWithYou?

Pappu: But Congress is such a great party!
Vadra: #ItsAMistake!

Pappu: But I am asking all the right questions!
Vadra: AndYoureTheRightPersonToAsk?

Pappu: A TV news channel is interviewing me right now!
Vadra: #PutYourCameraOff!

Pappu: Then who should be the PM of India!
Vadra: #MangoMan in a #BananaRepublic.

Modi: #HellYeah!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The BJP-Shiv Sena relationship status…

For 25 years: Happily married!

Some time back: Working on our relationship.

After that: It’s complicated.

Now: We haven’t the foggiest idea what our relationship status is!

Congress-NCP: We’ll have what they’re having.

MNS: Now in the relationship (or marriage) market.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If Pappu had to answer these questions…

Q1: What is the capital of France?
A: The French people should be empowered.

Q2: What is the capital of Maharashtra?
A: We have introduced RTI and through that we can get the answer.

Q3: Name the top 3 scams of UPA2.
A: We have introduced Lokpal and six more bills are pending.

Q4: What is the square root of 9?
A: The system to get this answer has very sound fundamentals.

Q5: Why are you doing business with a corrupt person like Laloo?
A: Laloo is an idea. An idea is just an idea and cannot be corrupt.

Q6: How is the Congress not involved in 1984 and the BJP involved in 2002?
A: Because the Congress not involved in 1984 and the BJP is involved in 2002!

Q7: What is exactly going on in your mind?
A: I am not sure it is possible for RTI to be used in all possible situations and that system is not very sound on fundamentals.

Q8: How will you give power to the people?
A: By empowering them.

Q9: What are your views on woman empowerment?
A: Women should be given power.

Q10: Why aren’t you engaging in a debate with Modi?
A: Yes, we can debate that.

Q11: What do you think of AAP?
A: Koi AAP nahin, koi main nahin, sirf hum hai.

Q12: You are answering none of the above questions.
A: It is only by strengthening the fundamentals of the questions and thereby changing their system that you can empower the answers and even that is not possible because there are really no answers but just ideas and ideas are open and not closed to the system and this I learnt from my father who learnt it from my grandmother and I think that will finally prove to you that Congress was not responsible for 1984 and BJP was responsible for 2002 and this would have been evident had you exercised RTI which we implemented while our Lokpal will ensure that such tragedies will never happen again and hence it is not necessary to debate Modi and so when you understand this answer, you will have understood a little bit about who Rahul Gandhi is and what Rahul Gandhi’s circumstances have been and if you delve into that you will get an answer to the question of what Rahul Gandhi knows and what he does not know and how he is going to open up a closed system by opening up his brain in such fashion and that’s how I see more energy in India and no energy in all the other political parties put together and that’s the idea that the Congress (which itself is an idea) gives to India (which is also an idea) and to put it finally, I have absolutely no idea what I am talking about and that pertains any idea whatsoever.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

A day in the life of the average Congress spokesperson…

1. Get up in the morning and sing, “Saare jahaan se acchha, Pappustan hamara…”

2. Check Sonia Unhappiness Index mobile app.

3. Scan the newspapers for…
a. Congress misdeeds to see how it can all be blamed on Modi.
b. Check how many times Modi has been trashed as a measure of their victory.

4. Tweet silently cursing how the Congress hasn’t conquered Twitter yet.

5. Shout non-stop on TV channels all day.

6. Watch movies like Wag the Dog and wonder at the spin that can be achieved by any government.

7. Try writing books like How To Make Enemies and Still Influence People and hope it will be a best seller.

8. While sleeping, gargle to maintain most precious asset: The voice.

© Sunil Rajguru