UPA report card….

Pranab Mukherjee, Finance Ministry.
Failed, promoted to President.

P Chidambaram, Home Ministry.
Failed, promoted to Finance.

SS Shinde, Power Ministry.
Failed, promoted to Home.

Historic precedent
Manmohan Singh, Lok Sabha elections.
Failed, promoted to Prime Minister.

Future predicament
How to handle the biggest failure of them all in the form of Rahul Gandhi.
(PM cum Party President?)

© Sunil Rajguru

Only in India…

∙ Immoral Thugs are called the Moral Police.

∙ Dishonourable Murders in cold blood are called Honour Killings.

∙ Looters of the People are called Servants of the People.

∙ Recognizing religion and caste and pandering to it is called Secularism.

∙ Greater the crime, greater is the chance of getting away.

∙ Brutal Foetus Murders are called plainly Female Infanticides.

∙ An Undertrial can complete his prison term many times over without every coming to trial.

∙ An illegal attempt to dictate what women can wear is called a Dress Code.

∙ Past great leaders are defended with violence and till death but their ideals totally forgotten.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 28

∙ We are always torn between three lives.
One which we actually lead.
One which we show the world we lead.
One which we really want to lead.

∙ Behind every successful man is a woman who’s complaining that he never listens to her in the first place and probably became a success by fluke.

∙ I think when the plane stops, since everyone is in such a tearing hurry (to God knows where), they should just open the emergency exits and people should simply slide away.

∙ Question to sadhu: Life is so simple and yet we make it complicated. I know this. So why do we always make life so complicated?
Sadhu: Arre bhaiyya, nahin to tumhara is lambi zindagi main time pass kaise hoga?

∙ Spending money is the number one time pass of this generation!

∙ Just as you can’t see dark matter but feel its influence, you can’t see black money but see its influence.

© Sunil Rajguru

Hindi TV soap logic…

∙ 30 minutes of a Hindi soap opera = 10 minutes ads + 10 minutes of dragging plot with melodramatic music + 7 minutes of incessant close-ups + 3 minutes of story.
Note: That 3 minutes of the story, like the expanding universe, can even fill in a few hours, if required.

∙ Old song: Dil Vil pyaar vyaar main kya janu re…
Soap song: DIL MIL pyaar vaar main hi janu re…

∙ Hindi soap operas are like the X-files… no-one really dies… they can be brought back to life at any time.

∙ Hindi soaps are like science fiction. When they start losing TRP ratings, they simply time travel into the future.

∙ The logic of Hindi soaps has the power of washing away the grey matter of your brain.

© Sunil Rajguru

Gettysburg Address reloaded for India…

“Three score and five years ago our politicians brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in netagiri, and dedicated to the proposition that all politicians are created equal. This government of the politicians, by the politicians, for the politicians, shall not perish from the country.”

Since every politician from every party swears by this and is interested only in the welfare of politicians and not people, the names of the political parties and coalitions should actually be changed to…

United Politicians’ Alliance

Indian Politicians’ Congress

Neta’s Democratic Alliance

Bharatiya Neta Party

Communist Politicians of India

Communist Politicians of India (Max) (Max=To the Maximum)

Neta Dal (A,B,C…Z)

Netawadi Party

Rashtriya Neta Dal

Indian National Neta Dal

J&K Politicians’ Conference

United Front of Politicians

Left Front of Politicians

Biju Neta Dal

Bahuneta Samaj Party

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

To be or not to be, that is the question…

Politics in India is facing Hamlet style dilemmas…

Karnataka BJP…
To split or not to split, that is the question.

Nitish on NDA…
To quit or not to quit, that is the question.

Mamata on UPA…
To exit or not to exit, that is the question.

UPA on explaining the economy…
To bullshit or not to bullshit, that is the question.

Planning Commission woes…
To shit (in such an expensive loo!) or not to shit, that is the question.

ACP Dhoble when he enters a Mumbai bar…
To beat or not to beat, that is the question.

Rahul Gandhi’s entire political philosophy…
To eat (in a poor man’s house) or not to eat, that is the question.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

What if in 2050…

∙ The human race is on the verge of extinction as mobile phone radiation is life-threatening over lifelong usage.
(Or maybe the meek (mobile illiterate minority) have indeed inherited the Earth.)

∙ Global Warming turns out to be the biggest fraud as the human race is caught totally unawares by the coming of the next Ice Age.

∙ The entire human race goes insane as it fails to distinguish between Actual Reality and Virtual Reality. Virtual Insanity is the epidemic that goes way beyond tuberculosis, AIDS and cancer.

∙ Gambia becomes the 54th country to get atomic bombs as nuclear Armageddon is indeed a reality.

∙ Women dominate every profession in the world as most men end up becoming househusbands.
(Husband in fact comes from the word housebound!)

∙ The world achieves its dream of being paperless and hence ecofriendly only to have a supervirus wreak havoc on the Internet Cloud, rendering the world back to the pre-computer age.

∙ Finally there is no progress in the world as World War 3 has transported mankind back to the Stone Age.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

June 2012 Status Updates

∙ The Phases of Manmohan Singh…
In 1991 he was the New Moon.
By 1996, he waxed to become the Full Moon.
In 2004 he was the New Moon again.
Only to become the Full Moon in 2009.
Now he’s waning towards a New Moon for 2014.

∙ Lukas Rise-ol beats Ra-fell Nadal.
Roger that?

(June 29)

∙ Today’s PJ…
What’s common between the Iron Man and the Iron Pillar of Delhi?
Both the pillar and Advani have been around for donkey’s years confounding experts as they simply refuse to rust!

(June 28)

∙ Dollar to Rupee: Tum kitne gire hue ho!

(June 23)

∙ Like Brangelina, Singur should be renamed Mamatata.

(June 22)

∙ ELEMENTS of Adarsh…
Crores vanished in the AIR as they poured WATER on the dreams of honest defence personnel. Now all evidence has been destroyed in a FIRE and Justice will be forever buried in the EARTH.

Bhrastachaar itna bad gaya hai ki uska naam ab Bharshtapaanch rakhna padega.

(June 21)

∙ Pranabda then and now…
1980s: Main banunga Pradhan Mantri.
Now: Main banunga Madamji ka Rubber Stamp (Pradhan Mantri MMS) ka Rubber Stamp.

(June 20)

∙ It’s called Rashtra“pati” because all husbands are generally useless and don’t have a say in the decisions of the house.

(June 19)

∙ It’s so funny that on Facebook every status sounds grand, every picture looks good, every link sounds important, every friend feels true and every trivial activity is hallowed. All that is ignored in real life mysteriously becomes magnified manifold when made virtual.

∙ Mamata must be really de.prez.d nowadays.

(June 18)

∙ All in a fortnight…
Sania wins French Open.
Sonia wins Presidential Open.
Saina wins Indonesian Open.

(June 17)

∙ The Presidential post is ceremonial.
MMS made the PM’s post ceremonial.
MMS for Prez!

(June 13)

∙ Pranab for Prez talk…
Congress: We would like to do something special for 1 Bengali.
Mamata: First do something special for 9 crore Bengalis.

(June 11)

∙ The Planning Commission is making a lot of illoogical decisions of late.

(June 9)

∙ Indian petrol’s ultimate goal…
Jitne dollars main barrel, utne Rupees main litre.

(June 4)

∙ I just love Aamir Khan’s passion, tears and commitment.
To think he’s just getting a measely Rs 3 crores per episode for doing exactly that.
Dhana Jayate!

∙ PJ of the day…
Why is the UPA like a cake?
Because both are great when fresh, but stink when they’ve been around for too long.

∙ The Congress ate Rs 5.50 from the Rs 7.50 petrol hike and gave back Rs 2 to the common man saying: Tu do kha!

Dost dost na raha, Pyari Pyari na raha...

(June 2)

∙ Annual Appraisal
PM: I have just one question. Is any of us guilty?
CBI: No! You are all innocent.
PM: Your grade is “Outstanding”! Keep it up.

(June 1)

© Sunil Rajguru