The curious case of Pakistan…

When we were small, we learned that Pakistan was named in the following manner…

P-Punjab, A-Afghan Province or North-West Frontier Province, K-Kashmir, S-Sindh, and istan-Baluchistan.

But today Pakistan’s identity seems to be defined by…

P – Pakistan occupied Kashmir

A – Army

K – Kalashnikovs and terrorism

I – ISI

S – Secession of Bangladesh

T – Taliban

A – America

N – Nuclear threat

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 5

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
IPL.
IPL who?
I play for money not country, that’s what!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
CPM.
CPM who?
Assi PM ko chhodo, abhi hamara koi CM bhi nahin hain!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
IMF.
IMF who?
I’m a fool of an old man with no self-control, that’s who!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
ISI.
ISI who?
I yes I support terrorists. I yes I am anti-American. Kya karloge bhai?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Jairam.
Jairam who?
Jai Ram ji ki Sibal! Thand rakho, itne utawle kyun ho rahe ho?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Major Iqbal.
Major Iqbal who?
Major ek balderash kahani hain, Pakistan ke khilaaf saare saboot jhoote hain.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Jaya.
Jaya who?
Jaya ho bolo, nahin to tumko bhi andar band kardegi jail main!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Kanimozhi.
Kanimozhi who?
Can you please move me out of jail, please?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Ajmal Kasab.
Ajmal Kasab who?
Aaj maal ka sab pooch rahe hain, crore-o gaye, aur crore-o jaaynge mujhe rakhne ke liye!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Kalmadi.
Kalmadi who?
Kal mai Dixit ke saath CWG goof-up kar raha tha. Shiela hain shayaani aur mujhe mili kaalapani?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Barack.
Barack who?
Breaking the Al-Qaeda network single-handedly that’s who!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Modern bakwaas shayari…

Hum bhi kabhi sub-editor the,
Kanimozhi bhi kabhi sub-editor thi!
Hum hain gareeb par azaad,
Woh hain Arabpati magar qaid…
Chalo, filaal yahi sahi!

Ghalib bhi shayar tha,
Kanimozhi bhi shayar kahalati,
Ghalib aur shayari dono gaye tel lene,
Ab paisa hi kavita hain…
Paisa hi nagma hain…
Paisa hi shayar hain…
Paisa hi shayar ki shayari…

Waise sabsa bada ameer to hain Mahatma Gandhi,
Lakhon nahin…
Crore-o nahin…
Arabo nahin…
Kharabo ke note-o ke dher pe muskura rahe hain,
Note gora ho ya kaala,
Paise ka hain bol baala!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Post Assembly poll filmi musings…

Mamata: Guzaarish hai ki mere paas Railways rahe.
Sonia: Hmmm… waise bhi tumne Railways ko Guzaarish ka Hrithik bana ke chhod diya!
West Bengal: Arre! Guzaarish ka Hirthik to hum ban ke raha gaye 34 saal main!
Mamata kya hai, koi na jaane…
Dawa hai ya
euthnasia?
Jald pata chalega…

Jaya: Ab yahan ke hum Sikander, chahe to kar le Karuna, Kani wagere ko apne jail ke andar…

Buddha: Hum Dono Ghayal ho gaye re!
Karuna: Chinta mat kar, Indian voter ko Ghajini ki tarah short term memory loss hai, agle elections tak sab bhool jaayenge.
Buddha: Sahi re! Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna!

Prakash Karat, Sitaram Yechuri and Buddhadeb decided to unwind in India Coffee House.
They were discussing Bollywood films.
A bearer came and was asked, 3 Idiots dekha kya?”
The bearer replied, “Wohi to dekh raha hu abhi!”

Sonia Gandhi at the Centre.
Jayalalitha from the South.
Mayawati and Shiela Dixit from the North.
Mamata Banerjee from the East.
Pratibha Patil from the West.
Now Showing: Mother India

Now showing in Chennai for 20 years and running…
Kabhi Karuna Kabhi Amma

Golmaal 1: Adarsh
Golmaal 2:
CWG
Golmaal 3:
2G
Coming soon: Golmaal 4, will be released before the 2012 elections.

Singh is King gaya tel lene…
Ab bolo…
Amma is Queen
Didi is Queen

etc

Overheard…
Congress to DMK: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun?

Now Showing in Kolkata…
My Name is Communist
(And I am not a failure!)

Coming in 2012
Voters: The Chase Begins Again

© Sunil Rajguru

Downright terrible contemporary rhymes celebrating woman power…

The Centre has Sonia Gandhi.
The South has Jayalalitha. The North has Mayawati and Shiela Dixit. The East has Mamata.
Next is West?
(Or is that Pratibha Patil who rose from the West, straight to Rashtrapati Bhavan?)

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the election hill,
To fetch a pail of voters,
Jack came down and broke his crown,
And Jill took all the honours.

Note: Replace Jack with Karuna, Buddha etc
Replace Jill with Jaya, Mamata etc

Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Karuna,
Sat in the corner,
Eating his telecom pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a 2G bomb,
And said ‘What a bad boy am I!

Rain rain go away

Women, women go away,
Don’t come again another day.
Buddha and Karuna want to play.

Little Bo-Peep

Little Buddha-Karuna have lost their voters,
And can’t tell where to find them;
Leave them till 2015, And they’ll come home,
Wagging their tails behind them.

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

Election after election, day after day,
Men stuck, no breath no motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

Women, women, everywhere,
And all the men did shrink;
Women, women, everywhere,
Oldies Buddha and Karuna did sink.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

More Assembly poll musings…

∙ The ABCD of Tamil Nadu politics…
A for AIADMK.
B for BJP.
C for Congress.
D for DMK.
Key: Congress aur BJP gaye tel lene.
Hum log permanent A/D alternating current se hi kaam chala lenge.

∙ The Political Traffic Signal of West Bengal has turned Green.
But has the Development Traffic Signal just turned Red?

Meanwhile…
The Congress Election Campaign in Karnataka is poised to enter its fourth year next month.
The Centre may extend BSY’s term even after 5 years if he is not toppled by then.
(Hum usko gira ke hi rahenge… term expiry is not enough)
P.S. BSY has also emerged as India’s Most Trusted politician.
(Aur kisi ne itne Trust Votes survive kiye hai?)

© Sunil Rajguru

Assembly poll musings…

Jaya ho!
Lal Salaam Tamaam.

Bonus: No ji to the 2G team!

Pendulum, pendulum, yes papa!
Still swinging results, no papa!
Open the ballot boxes, ha ha ha!
(Hail to the Tamil Nadu voters. No matter how good or a bad government, it will be booted out anyway!)
OR
The only constant is change (of a Tamil Nadu government)

Congratulations national capital!
The Mamata Derail Express has just left New Delhi for good, making its way to West Bengal to ply there for 5 years.
(A lesson on how to replace a really bad government with one that promises to be much worse.)

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Diary of a Trainee Prime Minister…

∙ Wear a white kurta pyjama at least 1000 times. Check.

∙ Say at least a 100 times that you don’t want to be Prime Minister. Check.

∙ Be a humble party worker for many years. Check.

∙ Eat in a rural home and sleep there. Check.

∙ Carry a pile of dirt in a vessel on a shoulder with a farmer. Check.

∙ Travel by a local train. Check.

∙ Tour India (almost) like Mahatma Gandhi. Check.

∙ Get credit for a Lok Sabha national victory. Check.

∙ Take potshots at major opposition leaders. Check.

∙ Travel by bike on a rural dirt road. Check.

∙ Participate in a dharna. Check.

∙ Get arrested. Check.

Next is what?

P.S. If the direct descendant of three prime ministers has to sit on a dharna in this country, then what hope is there for the rest of mere mortals?

This Version by Sunil rajguru

Pakistan’s Blowin in the Wind…

Dedicated to the Pakistani government over their policy of pretending that terrorists do not exist in their land and due apologies to Bob Dylan and his immortal song Blowin in the wind

How many false roads must a government walk down,
Before you can see through the lies?
Through how many lies must a truth have to sail,
Before its crushed into the land?
Yes, an’ how many times must the terror bullets fly,
Before they’re forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

How many years can a mountain of lies exist,
Before it is washed to the sea?
Yes, an’ how many years can some terrorists exist,
Before they’re not allowed to be free?
Yes, an’ how many times must a government turn its head,
An’ pretend that it just doesn’t see?

The answer, my friend, it is blowin’ in the wind,
An’ the answer is blowin’ in the wind.

How many times must a government look down,
Before it can stare truth in the eye?
Yes, an’ how many ears must the State have,
Before they can hear people cry?
Yes, an’ how many deaths will it take until they know,
That too many people have died?

The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

(Original Song: Blowin in the wind
Singer: Bob Dylan
Year: 1963)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Facebook Status Updates post Osama killing

Obama has just caught and killed Osama
–>1,234,341 people Like this Status
Zardari–>Really? When? Don’t tell me!
ISI–>We also helped, but you’ll never know.
Taliban–>We know and we’ll show you, just you wait!
Chidambaram–>Ab hamari baari hai.
Zardari–>Don’t try to spoil the moment. Shoo!

General Kayani has just changed his status from “Lay off US” to “Lay off India”

Manmohan–>But what about our talks?
Sonia–>I think its time you concentrated on the domestic scene for a change
Manmohan–>Yes, Soniaji!
General Kayani–>Guys, please lay off my Wall!

Al-Zawahari has just deleted the Ultra Secret Closed Group “Osama Speaks”

Al-Zawahari has just been promoted to head of Al-Qaeda

Obama played the Mystic Tarot Game
And the Answer is: Your Rajyoga will continue till 2017
–>234 Republicans dislike this status

Abbottabad Osama Memorial Haveli Page created
–>1,234,342 have become fans

ISI has just put the Abbottabad Osama Memorial Haveli on sale
–>Last bidder bid $456 million…

A Pakistan Citizen is feeling sad that Osama is no more
–>1,234,342 people Like this Status

ISI–>CIA
Can you please please call us? Too many misunderstandings to sort out.
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Zardari clicked the “Remove Friend” button on Obama’s profile by mistake, since then, they have become Friends again

Barack Obama sent George W Bush an invitation using Catch the Terrorist virtual game:
I challenge you to a game of Catch the Terrorist. I just scored 23,400 points in the game.
Think you can beat me?
P.S. I caught Osama and you didn’t!

Dawood has just deleted his Facebook account

ISI tried to join the Group CIA, but was denied access

David Cameron became a fan of Obama

Al-Qaeda has petitioned Facebook to make an “Add Enemies” application

Obama requests all his detractors to lay off, now that he has beaten the daylights out of all Republicans in catching terrorists.
P.S. I have a Nobel Peace Prize too!

This version By Sunil Rajguru

More Osama “death” musings…

Thus spake Obama…

Our supporters want to see the photos. To hell with them.
Our enemies will not like to see the photos. We bow to them.
Conspiracy theorists say he isn’t dead. Here, take more fuel.

P.S. Even I haven’t seen the body myself, but I believe the CIA, which has never lied in its life! Plus as a naive gullible powerful leader, I believe that it is impossible to fake videos, photos and DNA tests and it is also impossible for anyone to lie to a US president!

∙ America has been applying so much pressure on Pakistan, that its spine has sunk into the Indian Ocean. Efforts to locate it will be tougher than the search for Osama.

∙ You really can’t blame Pakistan. It has so many terrorists, that it’s quite difficult to keep track. Maybe it should have a yearly census!

∙ Pakistan has been very worried about Kashmir.
Pakistan has been very worried about Afghanistan.
Pakistan has been very worried about India.
If only Pakistan was so worried about Pakistan!

∙ The burqa should not be banned. In fact, certain men in the Pakistani government should take to wearing it from now on…

∙ Why no Rajnikant jokes on this?
Here’s a pretty lame attempt…
Rajnikant was busy shooting for Robot, Sivaji etc all this while and he lost track of Osama. Last month he called up Obama and asked him why Osama wasn’t caught yet. Obama got scared, the CIA went into overdrive and Osama panicked. The rest is history.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Na toone Osama dekha, na maine Osama dekha…

When the Pakistan President met the ISI chief after the Osama killing, this is what they sang to each other…

(Please sing to the tune of Dono jawani ki masti main choor from the film Coolie)

Dono anaadi ke masti main choor,
Tera kasoor na mera kasoor.

Na toone Osama dekha, na maine Osama dekha,
Par Osama pakda gaya ho Rabba Rabba,
Incident ho gaya, disagreement ho gaya,
Permanent ho gaya Rabba Rabba.

Hum do anaadi na dekhi Abbottobad ki haveli,
Na dekha uski parchai,
(Par ye samundar main dal di ye kiski body?)
Na toone choppers dekhe, na maine choppers dekhe
Par Osama pakda gaya…

Lagta hamari matthi maari gayi thi,
Par India ki bhi kuch galti thi,
Mausam ki bhi kuch neeyat kharab thi,
Na toone khatra dekha, na maine khatra dekha,
Par Osama pakda gaya…

Arre nuksaan saara to bharna padega O bharna padega,
Ab humko Amrika ke saamne jhukna hi padega.
Na toone khabar leak ki, na maine khabar leak ki,
Par Osama pakda gaya…

(Original Song: Dono jawani ki masti
Film: Coolie
Year: 1983)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru