The 7 avatars of Pappu

Congress President and great 2019 Liberal Hope Rahul Gandhi is really bad software which keeps updated with endless versions. Nobody has probably received more image makeovers than him…

1. The Sphinx (Pre-2004)

Sphinx egypt-1179196_960_720The Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty is treated like royalty and shrouded in secrecy. Their Right to Privacy trumps the fundamental rights of 1.36 billion Indians. Before 2004 nobody knew anything about both Pappu and sister Priyanka and who would enter politics and whether both of them would.

Pappu was treated with kid gloves and travelled all over the world in his private cocoon, the security of which was sponsored by the Government of India. He was always seen as a future Prime Minister of India, though who was always in Priyanka’s shadow as she had captured the public imagination at that time.

2. The Gentleman (2004)

Suited man-3022704_960_720Pappu entered politics with a bang. A great debut. A win in Amethi. A Congress Prime Minister. After his mother turned down the Prime Minister’s post, he officially became the Heir Apparent and got far more respect in the Congress party than Prime Minister Manmohan ever could.

Pappu cultivated a calm gentlemanly political narrative and rarely got angry or engaged too much with any politician or media house. Then he got a triple whammy in the 2007 elections. He was promoted to Congress General Secretary, Chairperson of Indian Youth Congress and National Students Union of India.

3. The Statesman (2009)

Podium-1889056_960_720This is probably his peak. Pappu campaigned in many Lok Sabha constituencies and Congress saw an unexpected jump from 145 to 206 seats. The media and public went with the Singh is King Nuclear Deal narrative, but that was thrown into the dustbin within the Congress and full credit was given to Pappu.

In fact some even boasted that Manmohan would be kicked upstairs to the India President’s post in 2012, Pappu would be made Prime Minister and lead the Congress to 272+ seats in the 2014 elections. Many bought into this narrative.

4. The Angry Young Man (Run up to 2014)

Angry emoticon-1669804_960_720However that fell apart in 2010 with the Commonwealth Games scam which looked as damaging as Bofors at that time. However 2011 proved to be worse with the 2G scam and Anna Hazare’s August Kranti. It was all over by the 2012 Coalgate scam.

Pappu was protected. The party now became scared to announce him as Prime Ministerial candidate for 2014. Since the people were angry, Pappu was presented as the new Angry Young Man. He would roll up his sleeves, sport a stubble, rant and rave like a commoner and even tear up ordinances on a public stage.

But the Indian public in general and Twitter in particular saw him more of a comedian than a real life version of Amitabh Bachchan.

5. The Confused Young Man (2014 onward)

question road-sign-63983_960_720Everyone expected the BJP to win and Congress to lose, but the sheer magnitude of the loss shocked everyone. The lowest Lok Sabha seats the Congress ever got before 2014 was 114 and the highest the BJP got was 182.

So for the BJP to thrash Congress 282-44 was unprecedented and threw the Grand Old Party off guard. And also Pappu and his advisors? Was he the Great Unifier that would bring all the opposition together and challenge Modi? Or was he the Lone Ranger.

Was he the #KhaatPeCharcha “commoner” who would resonate with the masses? Was he the Angry Young Man Sequel returning to his rolled up sleeves and stubble ranting and raving at the establishment? Well he kept changing like a chameleon and the random changing colours made everyone’s head spin. Then he was also presented as a janeudhari Brahmin to appeal to the masses!

6. The Congress President (2017)

Tick mark-1013981_960_720Pappu paas ho gaya! Whether you like it or not, Pappu finally became the top ranking opposition leader. Mulayam Singh Yadav and Mayawati are powerless. Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha are no more. Nitish Kumar is with NDA and KCR may go that way too after 2019. Chandrababu Naidu has accepted Pappu as his master. Arvind Kejriwal is a bigger joke. Naveen Patnaik and Mamata Banerjee are confined to their respective states.

With Sonia Gandhi stepping down from the party President’s post, Pappu is finally the undisputed numero uno in Opposition India. Of course it’s not that his personal stature has grown, but the fact that everyone has shrunk around him!

7. The Great Hope (2019)

superhero-2503808_960_720Make no mistake. The media, intellectuals and Liberals still hate Prime Minister Narendra Modi with all their hearts and souls. In the run up to the 2019 general elections, all of Pappu’s gaffes, jokes, mistakes, foh pahz, misdemeanours… will be totally forgotten and he will be presented fresh for the umpteenth time as the Great Hope of 2019 (the Great Hope of 2014 that was created in 2009 will be simply repackaged).

Spectacular rise & rise of Pappu

profits-1953616_19202003: Armed with qualifications from Harvard and Cambridge he is a total no-one in politics.

2004: Enters politics and immediately becomes Lok Sabha MP in his very first attempt.

2007: Triple whammy! Promoted to Congress General Secretary, Chairperson of Indian Youth Congress and National Students Union of India!

2009: His magic leads to a whopping 42% growth of the Congress in the Lok Sabha: Great future hope for the media, intellectuals and Civil Society of India.

2013: Promoted to Congress Vice President by his sheer hard work and daring.

2017: Promoted to Congress President unanimously with no other option even remotely in sight.

2019: Presumptive official Prime Ministerial candidate of the Congress for the general elections and will still be the Great Hope for the anti-Modi brigade.

2024: Doesn’t matter what happens in 2019, for many he will still be the knight in shining armour if he should still happen to be around in this year or 2029 or 2034 or…

© Sunil Rajguru

Pappu kabhi nahin paas hoga musings

The Congress has been severely downgraded thanks to #DemonetizaSON.
#Pappu

My speech will cause an earthquake: Pappu.
True.
Imagine crores of Indians watching and rolling on the floor with laughter at the same time.

Dear Pappu,
What are you doing?
You are too late for 2014.
And too early for 2019.

Dear Pappu,
Since 2004 there have been 1000+ Indian MPs.
You are not even in the Top 100.
Who cares whether you speak or not in Parliament!

Read my lips—no new taxes.
Bush—1988.
Thrashed in 1992.
Read my lips—The PM is personally terrified with the info I have.
Pappu—2016.
What to say to “already thrashed guy”?

Pappu,
You claim that your speech can cause an earthquake.
Well, Modi’s one word is enough to cause an earthquake.
“Mitron!”

Pappu ka earthquake aa ke chala bhi gaya.
Bahut bahut bada tha.
Par woh escape velocity ke saath chala gaya aur Jupiter pe hua.

If Pappu was an editor, he would release ads throughout the year saying…
Sensational scoop coming next year!

#PappuzWorld
Bofors = Development.
2G = Development.
Coalgate = Development.
#NationalHerald = Development.
#Demonetization = Greatest scam ever!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If Pappu had to formally apply for the post of Indian Prime Minister…

Dear glorious citizens of India,

I would like to apply for the post of Prime Minister of India. First let me tell you a bit about myself.

Professional qualifications: I have studied something in some foreign universities and I did some work somewhere for some time, but please don’t ask anything more about all of it. I don’t like talking about all these experiences. You have to take my word for it.

Government experience: I have never been a central minister or Chief Minister or anything like that as it requires a lot of hard work. I have never been a bureaucrat. I have never been part of committees that did something ground-breaking. I inherited the constituency of Amethi in Uttar Pradesh and I have been hanging around in the
Lok Sabha (on and off) for a whopping 12 years now. But in my defence, that is far far more experience than any Nehru-Gandhi dynast had when he or she took over as Prime Minister.

Speeches: This is my biggest body of experience. I have made millions and millions of speeches in the length and breadth of this great land, in rural and urban centres and for Assembly and general elections. I believe I am already the most experienced speech giver in my party.

So what if I spout nonsense from time to time. So what if my speech writers appear to be imbeciles? So what if I’m met by empty venues at times? So what if none of my speeches can be converted to votes? So what if most of them are disastrous?

Please look at my immense body of work and honour it.

Social media presence: I have already become a legend in the social media circuit. If you combine all the word counts and images of all the Pappu jokes, spoofs and laughs on Twitter, Facebook and the like, then I have already surpassed the combined publicity of the entire Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty manifold.

Haven’t you heard of the phrase: There is no such thing as bad publicity! Even on YouTube, the 1 hour plus interview with Arnab Goswami making a fool of myself got a good 3.2 million views. The channel was really happy. In fact all media houses really adore me.

As it is most wise men are insisting that Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross Domestic Product. Think how much laughter and happiness I will be able to give to the country of India when I become Prime Minister!

My recent achievements: Our friend Kejriwal thrashed Modi in Delhi. The Mahagatbandhan thrashed Modi in Bihar. Modi got thrashed in Uttarakhand President’s Rule fiasco. Modi got thrashed in Arunachal Pradesh President’s Rule fiasco.

Even when Modi is not getting thrashed I am totally useless and Modi is doing so much work. Yet the media, intellectuals and liberals attack Modi far far more. That’s the power of my personality. If I become Prime Minister, I will have the entire mainstream media, intellectuals and liberals eating out of my hand. That hasn’t happened to Modi, has it?

My trump card: So why should I be made Prime Minister? It’s simple really.
1. My great grandfather was Prime Minister.
2. My grandmother was Prime Minister.
3. My uncle was de facto Prime Minister.
4. My father was Prime Minister.
5. My mother was de facto Prime Minister.

That’s five good reasons while the mean chaiwallah had none and still you made him Prime Minister! I am the system (at least I was till 2014) and therefore only I can really change the system.

Anyway, please do not worry as I am in no hurry. If things go wrong with the chaiwallah then I automatically win in 2019. If things go right then there’s always anti-incumbency in 2024. Even if that fails there’s always 2029 and 2034.

I can emulate Manmohan Singh chachaji. He became Prime Minister quite late. Come to think of it Morarji Desai first became Prime Minister at the age of 81! I will turn 81 in 2051. So that’s how long you have to bear me! Better to make me Prime Minister as early as possible and get it done with!

(P.S. When I finally become Prime Minister, I will require more than six months of vacation in a year. But I am very happy with the chaiwallah for setting precedence. I will simply try to break his foreign trips record. I can holiday for one month at a time and maybe have just a couple of chai meeting with foreign leaders to justify it! Chaiwallah zindabad! Actually come to think of it, I can simply take a vacation till 2019! Hmmm… how tempting!)

Yours in good earnest,

Pappu.

(In case you haven’t guessed it, this is a spoof about Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi)

© Sunil Rajguru

The great fall of Rahul Gandhi…

2001: Pappu will join politics soon.

2002: Pappu will join politics soon.

2005: Pappu will join government soon.

2006: Pappu will join government soon.

2009: Pappu will be PM soon.

2010: Pappu will be PM soon.

February 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

March 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

April 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

© Sunil Rajguru

Pappu & Nehru musings…

#‎PappuMovies‬
The Gaayab Yuvraaj.
Pappu Hindustani.
Swades Ya Pardes?
Mother of Mr India.
Ab Tak 0.
Baby.

Actually the IQs of Nehru, Rajiv and Pappu are exactly the same.
Only the opportunities they got were different.

Pioneer Nehru…
‪#‎1stSnoopgate‬: Spying on the Boses.
‪#‎1stAttackOnFoS‬: 1st Amendment.
‪#‎1stInternationalScam‬: Jeep scandal.
‪#‎1stMajorScam‬: Mundhra case.
‪#‎1stLandLoss‬: Kashmir.
‪#‎1stWarLoss‬: China.

What Advani achieved at the age of 87, Pappu achieved just at the age of 44!
(Becoming totally irrelevant)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pappu musings will never stop…

Superheroes…
Pappu—Mr India.
Sonia—The Shadow.
Kejriwal—Lord Chaos.
Sibal—Agent Zero.

Congress: India is becoming a Police State!
P.S. Had we won in 2014—Then India would have become a Pappu State.

Height of chamchagiri…
Then—India is Indira. Indira is India.
Now—Calling Pappu’s refusal to fill a basic form as espionage, lack of political freedom and even stalling Parliament.
‪#‎RahulSnoopFarce‬

Still no sign of Pappu!
At this rate people will wonder if he exists or he is just a fictional character.

Like the Ordinance Pappu probably tore up the personal form.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When Pappu went on long leave…

Sonia will go on earned leave, Pappu on forced leave and Priyanka can’t take leave because she’s never worked in her life.

If Pappu quits the Congress, then it will be the biggest ‪#‎BlowToModi‬ ever.
A new decent leadership might actually put Congress on the path to revival.

Politics is in your shirt.
Politics is even in your sabbatical.

Pappu: Main chutti lena chahata hu.
Congress: Arre! Aapki ki toh May 16 2014 ko hi chutti hui thi.
Workers: Chhutta nahin hai bhai, aage jao!

Pappu is the only politician who went on sabbatical the day he joined politics.
He keeps re-appearing enough times to just to retain membership of his organization.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Mahatma said end Congress. Pappu said OK.

mahatma-289158_640Indira half as good as Nehru.
Rajiv half as good as Indira.
Sonia half as good as Rajiv.
Pappu half as good as Sonia.
(Where Nehru was bad to begin with!)

My great great grandfather became Congress President in 1919.
Mahatma Gandhi wanted Congress disbanded after 1947.
I am on track to meet that target by 2019.
—Pappu.

Saare Congress leaders ek taraf.
Pappu ek taraf.
Fir bhi Pappu bhaari hai.
‪#‎SoniaLogic‬

Nehru wanted sycophants.
Indira wanted sycophants.
Rajiv wanted sycophants.
Sonia wants sycophants.
Jayanthi Natarajan revelations…
Pappu wants sycophants.
P.S. I was sycophant but got tired of it.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Sun lo Pappu ki baat…

US Prez leaves in the morning.
Mann ki Baat in the night.
In between Delhi voters get entertained with Congress Vice Prez’s Pappu ki Baat.

Rip Van Pappu.
Sleeps for 20 days, then gets up and rants.
Sleeps for 20 days again, gets up and rants again.
Sleeps, gets up again and again and again…

Pappu is the Arnab Goswami of Indian politics.
He sticks to his personal script no matter what the debate/situation around him.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Paradox that is Pappu…

Pappu in 2011 after a trip to Amethi…
You feel angry if you visit the homes of the poor.
(This even though it is the Congress that has impoverished the nation by failing spectacularly from 1947-2011.)

But then…
2012: Modi practices politics of anger.
2013: Anger in India must be cooled.
2014: Angry people running nation.

All this said with great rage and bluster.
Paraphrasing Shakespeare…
His every speech is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru