Pappu kabhi nahin paas hoga musings

The Congress has been severely downgraded thanks to #DemonetizaSON.
#Pappu

My speech will cause an earthquake: Pappu.
True.
Imagine crores of Indians watching and rolling on the floor with laughter at the same time.

Dear Pappu,
What are you doing?
You are too late for 2014.
And too early for 2019.

Dear Pappu,
Since 2004 there have been 1000+ Indian MPs.
You are not even in the Top 100.
Who cares whether you speak or not in Parliament!

Read my lips—no new taxes.
Bush—1988.
Thrashed in 1992.
Read my lips—The PM is personally terrified with the info I have.
Pappu—2016.
What to say to “already thrashed guy”?

Pappu,
You claim that your speech can cause an earthquake.
Well, Modi’s one word is enough to cause an earthquake.
“Mitron!”

Pappu ka earthquake aa ke chala bhi gaya.
Bahut bahut bada tha.
Par woh escape velocity ke saath chala gaya aur Jupiter pe hua.

If Pappu was an editor, he would release ads throughout the year saying…
Sensational scoop coming next year!

#PappuzWorld
Bofors = Development.
2G = Development.
Coalgate = Development.
#NationalHerald = Development.
#Demonetization = Greatest scam ever!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

If Pappu had to formally apply for the post of Indian Prime Minister…

Dear glorious citizens of India,

I would like to apply for the post of Prime Minister of India. First let me tell you a bit about myself.

Professional qualifications: I have studied something in some foreign universities and I did some work somewhere for some time, but please don’t ask anything more about all of it. I don’t like talking about all these experiences. You have to take my word for it.

Government experience: I have never been a central minister or Chief Minister or anything like that as it requires a lot of hard work. I have never been a bureaucrat. I have never been part of committees that did something ground-breaking. I inherited the constituency of Amethi in Uttar Pradesh and I have been hanging around in the
Lok Sabha (on and off) for a whopping 12 years now. But in my defence, that is far far more experience than any Nehru-Gandhi dynast had when he or she took over as Prime Minister.

Speeches: This is my biggest body of experience. I have made millions and millions of speeches in the length and breadth of this great land, in rural and urban centres and for Assembly and general elections. I believe I am already the most experienced speech giver in my party.

So what if I spout nonsense from time to time. So what if my speech writers appear to be imbeciles? So what if I’m met by empty venues at times? So what if none of my speeches can be converted to votes? So what if most of them are disastrous?

Please look at my immense body of work and honour it.

Social media presence: I have already become a legend in the social media circuit. If you combine all the word counts and images of all the Pappu jokes, spoofs and laughs on Twitter, Facebook and the like, then I have already surpassed the combined publicity of the entire Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty manifold.

Haven’t you heard of the phrase: There is no such thing as bad publicity! Even on YouTube, the 1 hour plus interview with Arnab Goswami making a fool of myself got a good 3.2 million views. The channel was really happy. In fact all media houses really adore me.

As it is most wise men are insisting that Gross National Happiness is more important than Gross Domestic Product. Think how much laughter and happiness I will be able to give to the country of India when I become Prime Minister!

My recent achievements: Our friend Kejriwal thrashed Modi in Delhi. The Mahagatbandhan thrashed Modi in Bihar. Modi got thrashed in Uttarakhand President’s Rule fiasco. Modi got thrashed in Arunachal Pradesh President’s Rule fiasco.

Even when Modi is not getting thrashed I am totally useless and Modi is doing so much work. Yet the media, intellectuals and liberals attack Modi far far more. That’s the power of my personality. If I become Prime Minister, I will have the entire mainstream media, intellectuals and liberals eating out of my hand. That hasn’t happened to Modi, has it?

My trump card: So why should I be made Prime Minister? It’s simple really.
1. My great grandfather was Prime Minister.
2. My grandmother was Prime Minister.
3. My uncle was de facto Prime Minister.
4. My father was Prime Minister.
5. My mother was de facto Prime Minister.

That’s five good reasons while the mean chaiwallah had none and still you made him Prime Minister! I am the system (at least I was till 2014) and therefore only I can really change the system.

Anyway, please do not worry as I am in no hurry. If things go wrong with the chaiwallah then I automatically win in 2019. If things go right then there’s always anti-incumbency in 2024. Even if that fails there’s always 2029 and 2034.

I can emulate Manmohan Singh chachaji. He became Prime Minister quite late. Come to think of it Morarji Desai first became Prime Minister at the age of 81! I will turn 81 in 2051. So that’s how long you have to bear me! Better to make me Prime Minister as early as possible and get it done with!

(P.S. When I finally become Prime Minister, I will require more than six months of vacation in a year. But I am very happy with the chaiwallah for setting precedence. I will simply try to break his foreign trips record. I can holiday for one month at a time and maybe have just a couple of chai meeting with foreign leaders to justify it! Chaiwallah zindabad! Actually come to think of it, I can simply take a vacation till 2019! Hmmm… how tempting!)

Yours in good earnest,

Pappu.

(In case you haven’t guessed it, this is a spoof about Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi)

© Sunil Rajguru

The great fall of Rahul Gandhi…

2001: Pappu will join politics soon.

2002: Pappu will join politics soon.

2005: Pappu will join government soon.

2006: Pappu will join government soon.

2009: Pappu will be PM soon.

2010: Pappu will be PM soon.

February 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

March 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

April 2015: Pappu will come out of hiding soon.

© Sunil Rajguru

Pappu & Nehru musings…

#‎PappuMovies‬
The Gaayab Yuvraaj.
Pappu Hindustani.
Swades Ya Pardes?
Mother of Mr India.
Ab Tak 0.
Baby.

Actually the IQs of Nehru, Rajiv and Pappu are exactly the same.
Only the opportunities they got were different.

Pioneer Nehru…
‪#‎1stSnoopgate‬: Spying on the Boses.
‪#‎1stAttackOnFoS‬: 1st Amendment.
‪#‎1stInternationalScam‬: Jeep scandal.
‪#‎1stMajorScam‬: Mundhra case.
‪#‎1stLandLoss‬: Kashmir.
‪#‎1stWarLoss‬: China.

What Advani achieved at the age of 87, Pappu achieved just at the age of 44!
(Becoming totally irrelevant)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pappu musings will never stop…

Superheroes…
Pappu—Mr India.
Sonia—The Shadow.
Kejriwal—Lord Chaos.
Sibal—Agent Zero.

Congress: India is becoming a Police State!
P.S. Had we won in 2014—Then India would have become a Pappu State.

Height of chamchagiri…
Then—India is Indira. Indira is India.
Now—Calling Pappu’s refusal to fill a basic form as espionage, lack of political freedom and even stalling Parliament.
‪#‎RahulSnoopFarce‬

Still no sign of Pappu!
At this rate people will wonder if he exists or he is just a fictional character.

Like the Ordinance Pappu probably tore up the personal form.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When Pappu went on long leave…

Sonia will go on earned leave, Pappu on forced leave and Priyanka can’t take leave because she’s never worked in her life.

If Pappu quits the Congress, then it will be the biggest ‪#‎BlowToModi‬ ever.
A new decent leadership might actually put Congress on the path to revival.

Politics is in your shirt.
Politics is even in your sabbatical.

Pappu: Main chutti lena chahata hu.
Congress: Arre! Aapki ki toh May 16 2014 ko hi chutti hui thi.
Workers: Chhutta nahin hai bhai, aage jao!

Pappu is the only politician who went on sabbatical the day he joined politics.
He keeps re-appearing enough times to just to retain membership of his organization.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Mahatma said end Congress. Pappu said OK.

Indira half as good as Nehru.
Rajiv half as good as Indira.
Sonia half as good as Rajiv.
Pappu half as good as Sonia.
(Where Nehru was bad to begin with!)

My great great grandfather became Congress President in 1919.
Mahatma Gandhi wanted Congress disbanded after 1947.
I am on track to meet that target by 2019.
—Pappu.

Saare Congress leaders ek taraf.
Pappu ek taraf.
Fir bhi Pappu bhaari hai.
‪#‎SoniaLogic‬

Nehru wanted sycophants.
Indira wanted sycophants.
Rajiv wanted sycophants.
Sonia wants sycophants.
Jayanthi Natarajan revelations…
Pappu wants sycophants.
P.S. I was sycophant but got tired of it.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Sun lo Pappu ki baat…

US Prez leaves in the morning.
Mann ki Baat in the night.
In between Delhi voters get entertained with Congress Vice Prez’s Pappu ki Baat.

Rip Van Pappu.
Sleeps for 20 days, then gets up and rants.
Sleeps for 20 days again, gets up and rants again.
Sleeps, gets up again and again and again…

Pappu is the Arnab Goswami of Indian politics.
He sticks to his personal script no matter what the debate/situation around him.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Paradox that is Pappu…

Pappu in 2011 after a trip to Amethi…
You feel angry if you visit the homes of the poor.
(This even though it is the Congress that has impoverished the nation by failing spectacularly from 1947-2011.)

But then…
2012: Modi practices politics of anger.
2013: Anger in India must be cooled.
2014: Angry people running nation.

All this said with great rage and bluster.
Paraphrasing Shakespeare…
His every speech is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Nehru and Pappu musings…

If Nehru’s birthday is celebrated as Children’s Day, then Pappu’s birthday should be celebrated as Babies’ Day.

Jawaharlal Nehru’s legacy…
Dynasty.
Communism.
Confused foreign policy.
Kashmir dispute.
Chinese humiliation.
Economic policy that crashed in 1991.
Delhi durbar.
First Amendment that curtailed free speech.

Pappu is like Kumbhakaran.
Sleeps for months, gets up and rages like hell, sleeps for months again, gets up…
Meanwhile all Congress chances have gone permanently to sleep.

The Congress is just short of coining the slogan…
Mera Nehru Mahaan.
(All senior leaders as it is swear by…
Mera Dynasty Mahaan.)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When Pappu broke the default setting…

Pre-1947: Mahatma Gandhi lays ground work to make the Congress party the default setting for Independent India.

1947: Nehru kick starts Congress as default setting.

1980: Indira brings India back to default setting.

1991: Rajiv assassination brings India back to default setting again.

2004: Sonia brings back to default setting yet again.

2012: Pappu breaks default setting.

2013: Dominoes start to fall, Congress loses Delhi and Rajasthan.

2014: Modi resets default setting to BJP.

Dominoes continue to fall: Maharashtra, Haryana…

Pappu > Mahatma + Nehru + Indira + Rajiv + Sonia.

© Sunil Rajguru