Kejri and Delhi’s problems

Huge money wasted on ads✔
Garbage pile-ups✔
Record air pollution✔
Absentee indifferent CM✔
Focus on trivial issues✔
Zero planning✔
#5SaalKejri

#NewsKiDukaan
Before.
Kya news chahiye? Politics? Sports? National? Foreign?
Now…
Kya opinion chahiye? Anti-Modi? Anti-Modi Strong/Lite? Pro-Kejri? Pro-Pappu?

Are you more worried about PM 2.5 or PM 10?
Kejri: I am more worried about PM 2.0.
Eh! What’s that?
Kejri: I will not let the current PM get a 2nd term.Odd/Even may not be enough.
May have to opt for daily Odd+even scheme.
Every day both odd and even vehicles be kept off the roads.
#Delhi

Congress scrapped #OROP. BJP implemented it.
Pappu spin…
Congress backed OROP. BJP haven’t implemented it.
Validated by Kejri, Pappu’s political twin.
These versions by Sunil Rajguru

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Kejri and his parallel universe…

Other people take a break when they work too much.
Kejri takes a break when he Tweets/alleges too much.
‪#‎Vipassana‬

Modi is so frustrated that he can have me killed.
Translation—I am so supremely frustrated and desperate that I just thought that up!
‪#‎Kejri‬

In Hollywood’s Wag the Dog, they create a fake war.
In Bollywood-style India, Kejri has made a complete fake universe around himself.

Modi may kill me: Kejri.
Kejri may kill me: Asim.
‪#‎AAPception‬ (AAP + Inception + Deception)

After blasting AAP, Sidhu can still join with his head held high because he is already part of two industries: Entertainment and politics.

If an AAP leader sets off a nuclear bomb in Delhi and is arrested, Kejri will Tweet…
Modi just arrested AAP man.
He’s not letting us work.

Not just ‪#‎Sidhu‬.
‪#‎Churchill‬ was a party hopper.
So is ‪#‎Trump‬.
And about half of India’s Prime Ministers too.

Why blame ‪#‎Sidhu‬?
About half of India’s Prime Ministers were party hoppers.
‪#‎Morarji‬ ‪#‎Charan‬ ‪#‎VPSingh‬ ‪#‎ChandraShekhar‬ ‪#‎Gujral‬ ‪#‎Gowda‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Musings on Kejribhai…

Kejri started off by being an alternative to Modi.
He will end up being a genuine 100% replacement of Lalu.

Kejri—Modi trying to finish off AAP!
Modi—Maaf kar bhai! That’s one job you’re doing excellently.
Why should I interfere?
Ditto Pappu/Cong.

For every promise Kejriwal breaks, one of his MLAs goes to jail.
At this rate he will be left with zero MLAs by 2020.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#UdtaKejri musings…

Kejri doing time pass till his next working day on Thursday.
(When he’ll review ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬ on its premiere)

Don’t worry, by 2020 we will have a film called ‪#‎UdtaDelhi‬ showcasing the total breakdown of the city by then.

Kejri won the battle which didn’t even really concern him… ‪#‎UdtaPunjab‬
But he totally lost the war… ‪#‎21UdteMLA‬

Delhiite 1: Par usne to bola tha ki main Delhi main bahaar launga?
Delhiite 2: Arre buddhu, usne bola tha ki “main Bihar launga”!

Kejri: Kya Modi bataaenge…
Modi’s office: Kripaya intezaar keejiye. Aap kartaar main hain. Aapk number 345678 hai…

Kejri was nausikhiya: Got 28 seats.
Did crazy midnight dharna: Got 67 seats.
Now he’s given such abysmal governance that he’ll get 70 seats next time.

Kejri said he would change the system.
He has spectacularly succeeded!
(He has made it much worse)

Mujhe PM banao, main poore India main anarchy failaaunga!
Voter: Pahale Delhi main karke dikha, fir dekhte hai.
Kejri: Challenge accepted!

Then…
There are cases against 40% MPs!
Now…
There aren’t cases against 40% AAP MLAs!
‪#‎Kejri‬

Kejri isn’t CM without portfolio. He’s…
Minister of External (Anything but Delhi) Affairs.
Minister of Information & Broadcasting Against Modi.

Zero portfolios.
Multiple MLAs out on bail.
21 extra parliamentary secretaries.
Water-power-garbage woes.
A million allegations.
‪#‎KingKejri‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Kejri vs Modi…

Only in India would…

…a man who has frauds related to education with his MLAs question the degree of the Prime Minister even though there was zero controversy in that regard.

…a man call the Prime Minister a psychopath on Twitter, see his online supporters indulge in dirty tricks and then complain of non-stop abuse from trolls.

…the least experienced and zero achievement Chief Minister try to rubbish one of the most successful Chief Ministers ever.

…a man who faces a handful of cases against himself and dozens against his brand new party keep hurling non-stop allegations against the Prime Minister.

…a man hug one the most corrupt Chief Ministers in country and then accuse the Prime Minister of corruption.

© Sunil Rajguru

I have succeeded because it is my delusion that he has failed…

Q: What are your qualifications?
Kejri: Modi has a fake degree.

Q: What is the Delhi Model?
Kejri: The Gujarat Model is a flop.

Q: There are many cases against AAP MLAs. Should they be arrested?
Kejri: Modi is not arresting Sonia because he is afraid of her.

Q: You haven’t ever attacked Sonia directly.
Kejri: Modi is not arresting Sonia because he is afraid of her.

Q: You have met many religious hardliners. Are you communal?
Kejri: Modi is communal.

Q: Modi is leading a power transformation in India.
Kejri: Power situation has deteriorated in Delhi. Modi is a flop.

Q: Private vehicles contribute to just 2-3% to air pollution. What’s the point of the odd and even scheme with all its exceptions?
Kejri: It is a conspiracy by Modi.

Q: Why are you spending so much money on ads all across India?
Kejri: Modi has spent more.

Q: But he is Prime Minister of all of India and you are Chief Minister of just New Delhi.
Kejri: Modi has spent more.

Q: What are your achievements?
Kejri: Modi is a failure.

© Sunil Rajguru

Kejri Delhi dubaayega musings…

AAP should change name to BAAP.
So many AAP leaders/MLAs out on bail.
Bail Aam Aadmi Party.
They also think that they are everyone’s baap.
(Delhi will also need a bail-out with the way they are governing)

Piyush Goyal: Mere paas reforms hai, high productivity hai, rural electrification hai, solar augmentation hai, wind power hai. Tere paas kya hai?
Kejri: Mere paas danda hai!

Delhi ke bagal main UP ke bagal main Bihar ke bagal main WB.
Chaar Mukhya Mantri.
Chaar Modi Haters.
Chaar governance debacles.
Chaara Ghotala Guru.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Kejri absurdity continues musings…

What have you done?
Narasimha Rao: A 100 new policies.
Chandrababu Naidu: A 100 new projects.
Lalu: A 100 months of Jungle Raj.
Kejri: A 100 baseless allegations.

History repeats itself first as a tragedy (Kejri’s first term in office) then as a farce (Kejri’s second term in office).

Beyond comedy there is farce.
Beyond farce there is Sri Sri Kejri Baba.

Kejri is the only person in Indian politics who is a parody of himself.
You can’t distinguish between his real and spoof handles on Twitter.

Kejri thinks his one Tweet has more impact than an ED/CBI probe or a court judgement.
Welcome to our very own Judge Advocate Twitter General!

I never thought there could be a worse idea than Lalu-RJD.
Then Kejri-AAP happened.

Is he an ad for Communism or anarchy or nautanki?
‪#‎Kejriwal‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Kejri, is it true?

An editor told me that a politician told him that an activist told an intellectual that an artist was told by me that XYZ is corrupt.

I will behave like an aam aadmi.
But treat me like a khaas aadmi.
I have the power of a khaas aadmi.
But the responsibility of an aam aadmi.

2015 review.
‪#‎AwardWapsi‬ is in the past.
‪#‎LaluWapsi‬ and ‪#‎KejriWapsi‬ is in the future and will destroy Bihar and Delhi by 2020.

Vadra: Are you serious?
Kejri: Is it true?
Sonia: My MIL is Indira.
Pappu: I’m on vacation.
‪#‎AdarshLiberal‬: Rising intolerance.
Media: ‪#‎BlowToModi‬.

#‎KejriExposedXYZButGotExposedInTheProcess‬
XYZ keeps changing every week.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

AAP’s free promises explained…

We will provide 15 lakh CCTV cameras (for our 15 lakh AAP supporters to conduct non-stop stings), free Wi-Fi (so that the 15 lakh stings may be passed about seamlessly), free power (so that the computers and mobiles never go off during these sting operations) and free water (so that hum sab chullu bhar paani main doob sake 2020 main).

Meanwhile our Internal Lokpal will be busy adjudicating these stings and never have time to focus on real issues and at the same time we will give millions of hours of free entertainment to all the hundreds of TV channels in India so that they will never ever focus on our governance or political misdeeds.

(Come to think of it, we should register ourselves as an entertainment company instead of a political party and we’d all be multi-billionaires in no time!)

© Sunil Rajguru

Aam Realignment Party…

After the latest sting, AAP calls horse trading as “political realignment”.

More suggestions…

Corruption = Economic realignment.

Not keeping promises = Verbal realignment.

U-turn = Reverse realignment.

Attack on BJP office = Realignment of stones.

Kicking out top leaders = Human resources realignment.

Kejriwal’s infamous dharna on the roads = Realignment of CM’s work space.

Khirki Extension raid = Realignment of blood and urine (samples).

Kejriwal running away from Delhi to Varanasi = Geographical realignment.

Kejriwal running away from Varanasi to Delhi = More geographical realignment.

Future power cuts = Realignment of electricity.

If taps go dry = Realignment of water.

Use of private plane instead of normal plane = Aerial realignment.

Anarchy = Non-stop democratic realignment.

Dubious funds from abroad = Global economic realignment.

Making Delhi government bankrupt and asking help from Centre = Realignment of funds.

Lying = Realignment of truth.

© Sunil Rajguru

When there was a sting in the AAP…

Whether they have 0 or 28 or 67/70 seats, their entertainment value is 100/100.
‪#‎AAPBreakUp‬

2013: Kejriwal quit in 49 days.
2015: Everyone else will quit within 49 days.

There were chain letters.
There were chain emails.
The current rage in AAP is chain stings.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru