The selfie dictionary…

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Words that exist or should exist thanks to the selfie…

Selfie: A picture taken by oneself of oneself.

Gelfie: Group selfie.

Delfie: Dying as a result of a selfie or dying immediately after taking a selfie.

Adelfie: Addiction to selfies.

Infinitelfie: Taking a selfie in front of the mirror to get the infinite reflection effect.

Celfie: Selfie from your (prison) cell.

Celfie: Celebrity selfie.

Pelfie: Political selfie, Obama’s being the most famous.

Belfie: Taking a selfie of one’s butt.

Relfie: Relationship selfie.

Welfie: Selfie boasting of your wealth.

Telfie: Tummy selfie.

Prelfie: A selfie profile picture.

Twelfie: A selfie on Twitter.

Melfie: Male selfie.

Felfie: Female selfie.

Felfie: Farming (agricultural) selfies.

Chelfie: A child taking a selfie.

Helfie: A selfie focusing on hair.

Jelfie: Joint selfie.

Lelfie: A selfie of the legs.

Nelfie: A selfie of the neck.

Shelfie: A selfie in front of your bookshelf.

Welfie: Selfie of your workout.

Stelfie: Taking a selfie by using a selfie stick.

Mobselfie: Using a mobile.

Camselfie: Using a camera.

Selfie-virgin: Someone who has never taken a selfie.

These versions/compilation by Sunil Rajguru

Real, not faking news…

Dead AAP activist becomes alive.

Don to be Interpol ambassador. (SRK)

Alia Bhatt uses her stupidity to do something really smart.

Millions of people (including celebrities) world over start pouring cold water on themselves.

US, Israel, Iran, Syria, Iraq, Saudi Arabia… think of getting together. (To counter ISIS)

Advani finally retired.

India beat England by 133 runs in England.

Suresh Raina hits blistering century outside the sub-continent.

Putin accused of shooting down neutral civilian passenger plane.

Imran Khan attempts civilian coup against Nawaz Sharif.

On many days, Kejriwal gets zero news coverage.

Germany beats Brazil 8-1 in Brazil in a World Cup.

NDTV indirectly supports Israel. (Hamas story)

Israel attacks Gaza, Arab world least bothered.

Australia post 300 in ODIs, still lose, third time in a year.

Sheila Dixit toppled both as Chief Minister and Governor within a year.

Would have been considered faking news before elections…

BJP gets 282 Lok Sabha seats.

Amit Shah to become BJP President.

© Sunil Rajguru

Latest Indian political musings…

The 71-0 rule…
71% illegal coal block allocations took place under Coal Minister Manmohan Singh and yet most news reports gave him 0% coverage.

Sequels are rarely better than the original.
Pappu: But we had planned a threequel where I was to come at the end!
‪#‎UPA1‬ ‪#‎UPA2‬ ‪#‎UPA3‬‬‬‬

Very soon, all Indian bookshops will have a separate section on UPA exposes.
‪#‎Baru‬ ‪#‎Parakh‬ ‪#‎Natwar‬ ‪#‎Rai‬‬‬‬‬

Advani looked retired in 2004.
Virtually retired in 2005.
Should have retired in 2009.
Looks fully retired in 2014.
‪#‎2019Polls‬ ‪#‎IllBeBack‬‬‬

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Nehru-Gandhi dynasty musings…

A Gandhi story…
Beginning: Once upon a time there was a Gandhi (Mahatma).
Middle: Indira, Sanjay, Rajiv and Sonia all ruled.
The End: Pappu.

Pakistan: Either the Army rules or its puppet.
India: Either the Dynasty rules or its puppet.
India changed in 2014.
Pakistan will never change.

The Dynasty is at its End of Days.
The leadership is finished.
Good time to join the Congress.
You could be the next PM in 2024 or 2029!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India-England debacle musings…

Globalization of cricket…
When a bunch of Indians fail in England, Australia, South Africa and New Zealand, sack those who are from Zimbabwe and Australia.
‪#‎Fletcher‬ ‪#‎Dawes‬ ‪#‎Penney‬

Ravi “Interim” Shastri…
1987/88/91: Interim ODI Captain.
1988: Interim Test Captain.
2007: Interim Manager/Coach.
2014: Interim Director.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Oval massacre musings…

(Ref: Fifth India-England Test.)

In 2011, the English coach showed his cricket team Lagaan.
He is still getting his ROI over that masterstroke to this very day.

2011: 0-4.
Ab tumhe teeguna lagaan dena padega.
2012: 1-2.
Ab tumhe paanch guna lagaan dena padega.
2014: 1-3.
Ab… abbe tumne hame bankrupt kar diya teen-teen din main match khatam kar ke. Kam ticket sales aur ads se barbaad ho gaye hum! Ab dus guna lagaan dene ka bhi koi faayada nahin hai!

The next angry birds game will feature Indian batsmen as the targets and become popular among cricket fans.

Critic: What kind of a game is Test cricket? You don’t get a result in 5 days?
Indian fan: Oh, we are masters. We can get a result in 3 days flat.

The Indian batsmen’s favourite nursery rhyme is…
Ring a Ring o’ Roses.
They especially love the part…
Atishoo, atishoo, we all fall down!

Team India seniors get Rs 5 lakh per Test, or Rs 1 lakh a day.
By losing in 3 days, they’re getting Rs 1.67 lakh a day.
Boora khelo, jyaada paisa kamao!!!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Rang de laal…

Someone once called Naxalites “Gandhians with guns”.

The truth is totally different…

In India…

Naxalites are Communists with guns.

Editors are Communists with pens.

NGOs are Communists with foreign funds.

Historians are Communists with textbooks.

Activists are Communists with a cause.

Politicians are Communists with power.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Total time pass of a vella Indian cricket fan…

How the Indian cricket team celebrated Independence Day…

The 11 batsmen scored the following amount of runs…
18-0-4-6-0-82-5-13-5-1-7.

If you rearrange the above numbers, then you get…
15-08-2014. 68. 1,3,5,7…..

15-08-2014 stands for 15th August 2014, the Independence Day on which they scored these runs.

68 stands for India’s 68th Independence Day.

The progressive sequence 1,3,5,7… stands for the resolve on this day to keep doing better from now on.

Ref: Fifth India-England Test at the Kensington Oval.
#IndVsEng #Oval

© Sunil Rajguru

Day 1 musings from Oval Test…

(Ref: Fifth India-England Test.)

India’s last 3 Test innings, runs scored by…
All batsmen = 117.
All bowlers = 141.
Dhoni = 180.

Team India is the new brand ambassador for Rupa.
With so many rest days after early Test results they’ll say…
Ye aaraam ka maamla hai!

Indian Test batsmen looking at the red cricket ball and singing…
Ye laal rang kab mujhe chhodega…

Dhoni’s autobiography will be…
Last Man Standing.
First in ODIs, now in Tests too.

Tests then…
Aaj Sachin century maarega kya?
Now…
Aaj India century maarega kya?

August 15, 1947: Indians get Independence from the English.
August 15, 2014: Indian batsmen get quick Independence from English bowlers.

Finish the Tests in 3 days, destroy the ECB economy and relax for 2 days.
Smart strategy!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Modi and other political musings…

Modi: There is no humour in Parliament.
Pappu: I protest! You are wrong as usual! What about the Congress being reduced to a joke?

Started in 2002, it still continues…
Baithe, baithe, kya karein? Karna hai kuch kaam,
Shuru karo ek cooked up story, leke Modi ka naam!

Rome wasn’t built in a day.
10 years wasn’t enough time for Sonia.
What? Modi hasn’t transformed India in 3 months?

The Congressi Ratna…
23 political party members won the Bharat Ratna.
All 23 were current/former members of the Congress party.

Nehruvian Consensus is a misnomer.
Nehru was an autocrat and half his Cabinet quit in protest.
It should be Nehruvian Diktat.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Smriti Irani and other political musings…

When Smriti Irani finally gets a degree, they can make the TV serial…
Kyunki Graduate Bhi Kabhi 12th Pass Thi!

Some university should just give her an honorary doctorate and then Dr Irani will be able to move on from all these controversies.

The Bharat Ratna has been devalued so much that soon they will introduce a Mahabharat Ratna.

Nitish on Laloo then…
Ye jungle raj hai!
Now…
Jungle main mangal!

September 2013: Laloo convicted.
May 2014: Laloo rejected at polls.
August 2014: Laloo accepted by Nitish.
From National Democratic Alliance to Nitish’s Doomed Alliance.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Old Trafford loss musings…

Ref: Fourth India-England Test at Old Trafford.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,
If Andy won’t get you, Broad must,
If Broad’s nose has gone bust,
Then in Moeen you can trust.

What do you think of the collapse?
Pappu: It is just a state of mind.
But what is the solution?
Pappu: The batsmen have to be empowered.

If England played with 10 bowlers we’d still be unable to get them all out.
If India played with 10 bowlers, we’d still make the same amount of runs.

Old…
Tigers at home, lambs abroad.
New…
Tigers at home, ducks abroad.

Fletcher before…
Don’t be a chicken or a cowardly or fearful person.
Indian batsmen: OK!
After…
Arrrgghhh!!!! A duck’s much worse!

On the English menu…
1. Duck soup.
2. Bombay duck.
3. Roast duck.
4. Pressed duck.
5. Peking duck.
6. Duck à l’orange.

What’s your phone number?
England: 40000001

These versions by Sunil Rajguru