October 2011 Status Updates

∙ Another way to review the movie…
Ra(ting)One(out of 10)
P.S. I’ve been One die-hard SRK fan for Two decades, so I think can rant a bit (much!).

(October 31)

∙ Sports Minister Maken was asked Rs 600 crore for an F1 entry ticket.
He refused and hence didn’t get an invite.
Good for him. Good for India.

Toot-ta hua khabar: Sutra-Ek Bharatiya Vishaal Puruskar main Sabyasachi Vithal tez gaadi chala kar Pahala Khamba Sthaan le gaye hai. Gaadi ka naam Laal-Saand-Renault hai.

∙ Now if Mayawati and Lady Gaga come on the same stage, then that’s what I call true globalization!
Wah re F1!

∙ Wonder if inflation will ever touch Twitter and we’ll have 160-180 Characters.
(Or is it recession and 120?)
(Facebook Status Message has gone up to Unlimited from 420 Characters and LinkedIn is 500+ Characters)

(October 30)

∙ So after the English Goose got Cook(ed) throughout the tour,
They finally won on their Swann Song!

Lagta hai G.One ka dot gir gaya hai.
Isi liye Ra.One
Gone ho gaya hai!
(Via My Son)

∙ Stray dog to F1: I am more relevant to India than you!

(October 29)

∙ Kareena Kapoor completes her Khan Trilogy.
Aamir Khan, 3 Idiots, The Good.
Salman Khan, Bodyguard, The Bad.
& Shahrukh Khan, Ra.One, The Ugly.

∙ Just heard: SRK stole his statue from Madam Tussaud’s and used it for the second half of Ra.One.

∙ The Diggy Raja Empire has succeeded.
Na rahega Team, na bajega Anna.
(Aise bhi bechara Maun Vrat par hai)

(October 28)

∙ By Jove, Obama is on a roll! The US has finally sealed the WikiLeaks thanks to some excellent economic plumbing.

∙ Smear campaign worked
ABC of Corruption
A: Anna’s Team
C: Congress
A to Z of chances to fight corruption
From A-All-hopers to Z-Zero-hopers

(October 26)

∙ Gadaffi’s final Status Message…
“I am not dead. I am alive.
It’s the world that’s dead!”

∙ According to the Economist Democracy Index, the head of Saudi Arabia is a greater dictator than was the head of Libya.
Also close is the head of China.
Both are great friends of the US.
So much for the end of Dictators!
(Bonus: Best Friend Pakistan is always just one coup away from surpassing all of them.)

(October 21)

∙ Gen Kayani: US should think 10 times before attacking Pak.
US: Sure thing… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… OK! Attack!

(October 19)

∙ “I would like to thank Mr Pathak for making me join the August company of Bush, Wen Jiabo, Musharraf, Zardari, Mubarak, DSK, Chidambaram, Manmohan, BSY, Advani, Kalmadi…
–Hon. Arvind Kejriwal, while accepting the High-Profile Shoe Target Award.

∙ Siri Siri Appy Shankar presents The Art of Virtual Living with a Timewaste Kriya that can be practiced 24X7.

(October 18)

∙ At first I thought we had a Steve Jobs Day in cyberspace.
Then I thought it would be a Jobs Week.
We are well into a Steve Jobs month now…
(‎2011-12: The United Nations Year of the Steve Jobs.)

∙ The medical council is seriously thinking of accepting Jail Fever as a genuine Indian disease.
Outlook: May reach epidemic status in the future.

∙ The Congress has lost its deposit at the Centre… Oh! Sorry, that was Hisar!

∙ Think Chidambaram should introduce a comprehensive Prison Reform Bill to secure his own future and that of his fellow politicians…

(October 17)

∙ A few days back on October 13, India witnessed the sixth anniversary of the RTI Act coming into force.
The UPA celebrated this event by resolving that the Act wouldn’t make it to the next anniversary in one piece.

(October 15)

∙ Mayawati is superior to other corrupt politicians.
Baaki neta log Rs 685 crore kha ke hajam karte hain aur dakaar bhi nahin sunai deti.
Yahan aap ek
park aur memorial ka jab chahe maja loot sakte hai!

∙ Welcome to coalition politics Anna.
Keeping your allies together, handling spokespersons shooting off their mouths and intense media scrutiny.
Now you know how the UPA feels all the time.
Maybe now you two will work better together as you understand each other better!

iDead seems to be more respected, talked about, raved and appreciated than iAlive…

Corruption fight reality…
Sarkari Lokpal vs Team Anna Lokpal.
Janata gayi tel lene… (aur woh bhi mila nahin thanks to steep petrol price hike!)

News: Manmohan wants to review RTI Act.
Analysis: Hamara har cheez galat ja raha hain, to jo sahi hain, hum usko bhi galat kar denge!

Homeopathic treatment for corruption: Cure like with like.
BJP workers give cash to journos at anti-corruption Rath Yatra PC.
Fight corruption with corruption!

Rahul Gandhi rode on bike of criminal.
Pretty much sums up the Congress leadership.
They’re all clean, but driven by criminals.

Bill Gates is alive.
Steve Jobs is dead.
But what will happen to Jobs Bill?

(October 14)

Stay hungry? Stay foolish?
Doesn’t that already describe the world we live in?
Millions of starving people led by thousands of foolish leaders…

(October 13)

Word of the day…
Mutual: having the same relation each toward the other.
Facebook fact of the day…
My personal record for number of “Mutual Friends” without ever having heard of (let alone met) a particular person: 143.

(October 12)

…suffering from mental indigestion with the excess Apple-Jobs eulogies… need to go on a news Apple-free diet… I’m a huge fan myself, but near-divine status (& status updates) is all quite baffling…

(October 11)

Dear Politicians,
Parliament is not Supreme. The Constitution is.
Parliament is not Sovereign. The People are.
Everyone respects Parliament.
Wish one could say the same for our Parliamentarians!

(October 9)

The more I see my News Feed, the more I am convinced that the collective wisdom of the Facebook Status Messages is greater than the collective wisdom of humanity…

(October 7)

Bigg Boss 5 should be called Big Behenji or Big Amma.
Even Shakti signifies the feminine power.
So 13 + 1 Shaktis?

(October 3)

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 21

• It was once said that if a hundred people repeated a lie a hundred times, it becomes a truth. Well, the Internet would put even Joseph Goebbels to shame. A million people repeat a lie in the form of chain letters, email forwards and other sundry articles a few million times and we have millions of untruths posing around cyberspace as truths. I don’t think anyone knows the definition of truth any more.

• There is an invisible undetectable device that slows down time on weekends and speeds them up on week days.

• America is run by billionaires. They call them industrialists.
India is run by billionaires. We call them politicians.

• Every Indian anchor thinks he’s a polished version of Hard Talk when he’s nothing but another version of Rude Talk.

© Sunil Rajguru

Short Takes Jun-Aug 2010

· Once, they thought malaria came from swamps and marshlands. Now thanks to Dr Raj, we know better. Nobel Prize for Medicine anyone?

· Corruption is Common in India. Wealth is black all around. Yet we get alarmed only when the Game is exposed.

· Facebook Privacy = Still pretty bad Publicity

(August 3)

· Social Networking Motto: Virtual Company is better than No Company

(August 1)

· Commonblackwealth Games
(July 31)

· Current Post: Chief Damager of Indian Railways. Future Post: Chief Damager of the State of West Bengal. Advice: Emigrate by 2011. Caution: Fly out, don’t take train…

(July 24)

· Coming Soon: Wanted, Global Cut. Americans Anderson and Headley wanted in India. Lanka’s Devananda wanted. Dozens of Pak alleged terrorists wanted…

·  Difference in perspective: The US and Indian Governments thought that Anderson and Carbide employees were the victims of Bhopal Gas Tragedy.

(June 10)

·  Indian Maths: 0.5 million victims + 15000 deaths + 25 years delay + Endless Trauma = 2 years

· Revelation #23: Actually I have a minority stake in Modi’s company which has a minority stake in Srinivasan’s company… and I gifted my stake to Supriya, so I’m clean and it was a surprise gift, so she doesn’t know yet. Aai shapath!

· B.. B.. Bengal B.. B..Basu, B.. B.. Bhattacharya aur abhi B.. B.. Banerjee ke Beech Bebas hai… Bhagwan Bhadralok ko Bachaye!

(June 7)

· Meetha hai khana aaj pahali tareek hain, meetha hai khana aaj doosri tareek hain… meetha hai khana aaj teeswi tareek hain… roz chocolate khao na yaar, ye pahali tareek ka kya funda hai?

· Tharoor-Modi Finding #45: A Tweet for a Tweet will only make all the Twits lose their jobs.

(June 6)

· Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the dirtiest of them all? The mirror just cracked, IPL is too much for it to handle.

· Mystery solved. Sri Sri: Oh God! Police: Oh Dog!

· Will Twitter ever see inflation and the number of characters go up to 160 or 180?

· Looks like Obama has got indigestion after eating Pak food for so long that he’s dying to eat Indian chapatis.

· In the 1970s, West Bengal had Ray. But no light. Then came Jyoti. And darkness. Followed by Buddha. No enlightenment. On the cards is Mamata. But I don’t think the Spirit of Love is exactly going to pervade the State for the next 5-6 years.

(June 5)

· Ignorance Premier League: The Wheelers and Dealers themselves don’t know that they are involved with the IPL!

· Cross my heart. My name is not Supriya Sule. I don’t know Sharad Pawar. And… err… what is cricket?

(June 4)

· West Bengal. Congress-Dark Ages. Left-Super Dark Ages. Mamata-Super Duper Dark Ages. I really admire the resilience of the state.

(June 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Status Updates May 2010

· Success = 3 Timely Good Hot Meals + 1 Good Night’s Sleep (Every Day)

(May 25)

· It’s high time India, Pak built an Imaginary Wall: No talks, no ties, no trade, no nothing… politicians can’t do a thing… one day the people will themselves tear down the wall… till then stop wasting time…

· When 1 billion people take more than 10-20 years to hang a single person, it’s time to abolish the death penalty.

· Looks like Mamata has Left the Railways. God save us passengers!

· The Terrorist bans Life. The Pak Govt bans Virtual Life. Acchi jugalbandi hain!

· Modi & Modi. Politics & Cricket. Top Performers. Top Targets. Top Hates. Best & Worst together. What would we do without them?

· Pak fan’s diary: Pak maintains 100% victory record in 2010 too. Won 60% matches. Out of 40% matches lost, all were fixed.

(May 22)

· India and Pak are best of friends and believe in sharing! Apart from a shared heritage and culture, they also share Kashmir, bullets and terrorism…

(May 20)

· Unusual marriage vows: Do you Sunanda give up your IPL team? I do! … Do you Shashi give up your Govt Ministry? I do!

· Aman ki Asha = Chaman ki Bhasha.

· Newscast: Here is today’s news, weather, stock quotes and the latest Facebook Privacy settings.

· Facebook is a big fan of Heraclitus, who said: Nothing is permanent except change. That’s why they keep changing Privacy Settings every day.

(May 19)

· Is tiring a bit of T20. It’s like a long Bollywood movie. Can’t wait for International T10. That’ll be more like a Hollywood thriller!

· Rain rain don’t go away,
and still come again another day,
keep at it if you may,
I never believed in making hay…

· Brevity is the soul of wit. Lengthy is the soul of a twit. (Reference: Lalit Modi’s 15000 page reply)

· Saving (Un)Private Facebook

· High time they had parties, tamasha, bollywood stars, hype, team cheerleaders… in world cups and Tests. That’s the only hope of being taken seriously by Indian players.

· Next group to target Modi. Environmentalists. 15000 pages of paper in a paperless era, I tell you! How many trees did he butcher?

(May 16)

· Old Age Saying: The Joke’s on you. New Age Saying: The Joke’s your deputy.
(Courtesy: David Cameron)

(May 13)

· The grass is always greener on the other side = The ball is always shorter on the other side of Indian Cricket.

(May 12)

· I admire people like Shashi Tharoor and Jairam Ramesh. They challenge the absolutely “Fake Public Consensus” that India is steeped in.

(May 11)

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 17

• You should get away from all Real and Virtual Humans from time to time to maintain your sanity.

• Cricket is a matter of life and death in India. So it’s really surprising how many times we fans have totally died and still continue to live peacefully and with hope.

• Elsewhere in the world, sport is religion. For Indian politicians, religion is a mere sport. Elsewhere in the world, work is religion. For Indian politicians, religion is work and a great and lucrative means of livelihood.

• It’s not the politician’s fault. His consumers are foolish voters and he is merely servicing them.

• It’s surprising how when faced with “Quit or Tweet” how many choose both.

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 14

• Passing rains during peak summer are just a momentary lapse of season.

• I always believe that Prayer is the only thing that can do time travel. If you Pray hard enough, it can travel to the past and set things right. And you think the Miracle instantly appeared when it actually was a result of a series of events of a changed past. The Prayer can travel to the future and stop bad things there too.

• I think God is also a bureaucrat. He puts all our curses, bad wishes and jinxes for our fellow human beings in an in folder which he doesn’t check till Eternity. If he acted on all of them, then we’d all surely be dead by now!

• Celebrity comes from the word celebration. It should have come from the word destruction instead. We love to destroy our celebrities. They should be called delebrities instead.

• As microprocessors go faster, RAMs ramp up and software gets smarter, why does the computer experience feel just as slow?

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 13

• Indian whitening creams are getting so effective that Dark Skin will be turned to Light. Light Skin will be turned to Pure White. And Pure White Skin? That’ll become Transparent… so that you may apply whichever colour you may to suit your day every day.

• News in India is broken so many times on so many channels every day that it’s a wonder it’s not in a trillion unbreakable pieces and dead by now.

• The stuff on Indian TV news channels is so trivial that we should coin a new term called TVial. TVia. TVial coverage. TVial pursuit…

• In India, people with noisy fans sleep well as they drown out all the other surrounding disturbing sounds.

• If a man is one in a million, then will he have a problem if he undergoes an operation where the chances of going wrong are one in a million?

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 11

• Sometimes I think that women are superior to men in every way. That is why God gave men a head start in this world by making them generally much physically stronger and taller to even things out.

• If only March 8 is Women’s Day, then does that mean that the remaining 364 days are Men’s Days?

• You know you’re not very popular when you get more phone calls from telecallers than those from actual friends and more spam message than actual emails.

• I like to travel the world through the universes of the TV and computer screens. The real world is too tedious.

• My reading habit is really down nowadays. It’s the electricity board’s fault. There are hardly any power cuts off late.

© Sunil Rajguru

Short Takes February 2010

· All Hail to Holi: The Festival of Equality. Everyone looks the same today.

(February 28)

· If there is such a thing as Colour Pollution, then Holi is it.

(February 27)

· India’s numerous victories are leading to more injuries. Just look at the players jumping on to each other and lifting up each other after every win!

(February 26)

· Why FB beats Twitter: I can put 200 exclamation marks:




· Sachin tum Sau nahin Do Sau saal jiyo!

· Sachin Ramesh Doubletondulkar

· Dear Twitter, for today, please allow 200 characters per message :)

· Actually it was just a Sau Sau innings

· Nightmare thought. What if Dhoni had hit 6 boundaries in the last over!

· Watching live on TV at home!!! Power returned when he was on 196! #wherewereuatsachin200?

· 200dulkar!

(February 24)

· Ad: Phir dil do hockey ko… Reality: Phir paisa do hockey players ko…

(February 19)

· Protest against Pak players. SRK protests. Protest against Aussie players. Protest against Andhra venues. Protest against Modi. Media houses protesting. Orissa venues protest… IPL = Indian Protestors League

· The ODI WC Final is a Destination. Once you win that, you stay for 4 years. The Test No. 1 Spot on the other hand is a Journey. So let’s hope the Indian Journey is Long & Memorable.

· Dhoni’s Test average as Captain is 72. (ODI average as Captain 59) Usually when an Indian player becomes a captain, we lose a good batsman. In this case, we gained one.

· Why we won: SA treated this match like a Test WC Final. So then they promptly went ahead and did what they are best at: Choking. OK, Just Joking. India’s Rocking. So is Amla.

· An eye for an eye, an innings defeat for an innings defeat…

(February 18)

· Rain rain go Away, Come again another Day, Little India wants to Stay (No. 1)

(February 17)

· The Sehwag Doctrine: Test match ho ya One-Day, Roz maaro chakke…

(February 15)

· No update for some time Reason #2343: Someone threw garbage and burnt it near the BSNL cable, which melted and had to be replaced. Silicon Valley, India, circa 2010

(February 13)

· My Name is 24-Hour Coverage

(February 12)

· From now on a new breed of VVIPs will be given extra security. VVIP= Very Very Important Picture (Is there any policing left for the common man?)

· Raj to Uddhav: I protested Amitabh, you SRK. Amitabh > SRK, therefore, I > You, Hence proved

· Buzzing In The Wind: How many social networking roads must a man walk down, before he turns totally insane?

(February 11)

· How many more Plastic Surgeries on the Face of Facebook? I won’t be able to recognize it any more.

(February 10)

· Next directive from Aussie Cops for Indian Students: Please use Fair & Lovely regularly to blend in with the locals. Thank You!

(February 8 )

· Raj took away the spotlight from Bal. Udhav took the spotlight away from Raj. And they all took the spotlight away from the real issues of Maharashtra.

(February 5)

· Coming Soon: Indo-Pak Talks Part 345. Next Change: Talks Collapse Part 345. Then a Storm and a Lull, More Talks, Another Break… ad infinitum…

(February 4)

· In India, People are bent on making the Tigers extinct. In Maharashtra, the Tigers are bent on making all the Other People extinct.

(February 2)

· IPCC = Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Controversies

· Don’t the Tigers know that the Pakistani Cricketer is already on the Endangered Species list? Best to leave them alone.

· With the way it’s been going for the last couple of years, he should change his name to: My Name is Controversy

(February 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 10

• Live every day as if it’s your last?
If I thought today was my last day, then I’d empty my bank balance and splurge, tell the world to go to hell (maybe even punch some enemies in the face)…
Then where would that leave me when I got up tomorrow and found that I wasn’t dead?

• “Oh God! Please make me a millionaire!” is a very dangerous prayer. You might go bankrupt and be left with just ten thousand Rupees. That’s a million paisa, ain’t it?

• If you are a bad boss, then never work from home or for yourself. You’ll only end up making your life miserable. For then you’ll be your own boss.

• I’ve got a sore wrist and aching fingers from watching bad TV.
(There are almost 200 channels and the battery of the remote is low!)

• The Sex God gives too much to too few and too little to too many.

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 9

· Virtual Reality
Number of Connections: 500+
Number of Followers: 767
Number of Online Friends: 1023
Number of Real Offline Friends: 0

· If I have one thing to do, then I relax.
I have just one thing to do!
…and I do nothing.

If I have two things to do, then I get confused.
Which of the two to do?
…and I do nothing.

If I have too many things to do, I get paralyzed.
Oh my God! So many things to do!
…and I do nothing.

If I have nothing to do…
Well I have nothing to do!
…so I do nothing.

It’s all the same in the end.

· In India, ATM means Any Time Money except when…
…the machine is regularly out of order.
…the machine is regularly out of cash.
…there’s a power cut. This is India you know!
…there’s no network. Yes, that happens to Indian ATMs!
…you are tenth in the line and 2-3 people in front of you don’t know how to use an ATM card and keep trying and refuse to be evicted. You depart cashless. The ATM has all the time in the world, but you don’t.

· You are truly alone if you don’t have company for a tea break in your office.

© Sunil Rajguru

January 2010 Short Takes

· I’ve been following American cartoons for some time now and I must admit, Obama is giving George W Bush stiff competition. He’ll get the cartoonists’ vote in 2012.

(January 24)

· Bangladesh helped us by taking 10 quick wickets. Otherwise India might have done 500 and with less time thanks to the fog and all, we would have drawn the match. Sehwag’s mental games worked.

· The theme of the 2012 US Presidential elections will still be “Change”. A Change from men who talk of change…

(January 21)

· There’s only one surge that has worked in the Af-Pak arena… “The Dollar Surge”… Dear US: Keep paying, keep bleeding, keep praying, keep wishing and keep getting fooled…

· Some people think if India stopped playing Cricket, then we’d miraculously start performing in other sports. It’s Mismanagement, Politics, Greed and Incompetence in all sports and not excessive focus on Cricket that’s the culprit!

· India-Australia is the new Indo-Pak of cricket rivalry. Pity that the hostility is spilling off the field too…

· Ignore Pakistan League

(January 20)

· Jab zinda hain to sirf kamzoriya dikhai deti hain… Jab zinda nahin hain to sirf acchai dikhai deti hain… Hum murdo ki puja karte hain aur zinda logo ki jaan lene pe tule rahate hain…

· What are we but virtually sum of our social networking accounts and email IDs…

(January 19)

· If one more Mobile player enters India, then the Spectrum will run for its dear life.

· Five Stars for Acting in 3 Idiots: A star each for Aamir, Madhavan, Sharman, Boman & Om Vaidya.

· When Sehwag’s bat talks, the opposition goes silent. When Sehwag talks, the Indian batting goes silent…

· That Nineties Feeling: The Indian batting order crashes for no reason and Sachin is the only Man left standing.

(January 17)

· Dada – Dravid ya ho Dhoni, Finals ki kahani wahi honi…

· When it’s much hotter, they scream: Global Warming! When it’s much colder, they scream Climate Change! When temeperature is normal, they scream: Will you just wait for something to happen and do nothing till it’s too late? You just can’t get the better of environmentalists…

(January 13)

· 1986. London. Hockey World Cup. India and Pakistan battle for the 11th place in a 12-nation tournament. India lose that too. That’s the day hockey died for me. I don’t know what to call the last 24 years.

· Indian Hockey. Goal: Chak De India… Obstacle: Cash De India… Result: Chuck De India. Country? What country?

(January 12)

· Lose ground to China. Lose plot with Pakistan. Lose spine with America. Lose all International strategy. This Government is sure one long episode of Lost.

· Kabhi Pakistan ne maara, kabhi China ne maara, kabhi Amrika ne maara, main hu India yaaro, mujhe har kisi ne maara…

· Hockey’s vicious circle — Players: Show me the Money. IHF: Show me the Victory.

· Chetan Bhagat ne ek vacant plot of land diya, jispe Hirani ne shaandar bungalow baandha…

· Give me some sunshine, Give me some rain, Give us some more such movies, That we can watch again and again… Lage raho Hiranibhai!

· There is not even one Idiot in 3 Idiots. Every character has given the performance of his life.

· 15 minutes of fame is passe. An On Demand 15 seconds of fame with 40 characters is in.

· The Australian Dictionary does not define India as a race and hence an attack on a person from that region is not Racist, hence proved.

· Baar Baar Khelo, Hazaar Baar Khelo, Ki Khelne Ki Cheez Hai, Indo-Lanka match, What Ho? (India, Lanka are almost a couple in cricket now)

(January 11)

· Breaking News: Aamir finally reads 5.someone and says: My God, it’s just like the movie! OK: Just joking, we’ve been made such Idiots, what’s one more idiotic statement anyway?

· For a generation which splurges thousands of Rupees at one shot, what is one paisa less per minute? Charge 25 paise more and give a top-class service/network/coverage and we’ll migrate just like that…

(January 7)

· Ever since Mamata became Railway Minister, train mishaps have spiked. I shudder to think what will happen when she becomes CM of West Bengal!

· All is Sales! Bhagat books re-selling like hot cakes, 3 Idiots doing Rs 300 crores.

· When Bollywood plagiarizes blatantly: All is Well! When they sign contracts and do things by the book: All Hell Breaks Loose!

(January 6)

· 2009 was definitely not the Year of the Tiger. Tiger Prabhakaran was shot down after decades. Tiger Woods had the worst image crisis of his career. The Indian Tiger was licked by the Chinese Dragon and US Democratic Elephant. Tiger Thackeray had a poor show at the elections.

(January 5)

· Chetan-3Idiots controversy is a win-win for all. Ticket sales up. Book sales up. TV channels get masala. We get a movie, book and a new tamasha to track.

(January 2)

© Sunil Rajguru