Every day is a Sonday 4…

1. I was playing with my son non-stop.
I said I wanted a break and also needed to grab a bite.
He got flustered and angry and yelled, “Why? Whatever for?”
Then he calmed down and smiled saying, “Aakhir aap bhi to insaan ho na?”
(Thank you kids for recognizing that parents are human too!)

2. One day I was surprised to see him with his eyes closed and hands folded, praying in front of the computer.
He was invoking the gods to win his Internet game!

3. I cleaned his room thoroughly and put fresh bedsheets and all.
He walked in, looked around and asked, “Is this what they call progress?”

4. We were watching a programme on alien abductions and they showed a man who had a mysterious object embedded in his arm. The doctors took it out and looked foxed.
“I bet it’s made in China,” quipped my son!

5. Me and my wife were discussing a newspaper article where a man sold his kidney to buy a ticket for the world cup final.
After India beat Sri Lanka in the final, he asked me, “Us aadmi ka kidney vasool ho gaya hoga na!” Paisa vasool I’ve heard, but this was a new one.

6. My son says that the word “super” is so outdated in today’s age.
“It’s the age of hyper,” he says.
So it’s hyper cool! Hyper man! He even says hyperb instead of superb.

7. I explained him the concept of a salt and pepper beard. Now every black beard is a pepper beard and every white beard is a salt beard.

8. When I explained him the concept of week days and weekends, he asked, “Is there such a thing as week year, where you work for 5 years and get off for 2 years?”

9. Kids are very conscious in using banned words in front of elders.
I heard him singing the hit song in the following manner…
Sheela ki jawani,
You just can’t say the next line!
Main tere haath na aani…

10. He was heartbroken to find out that cricketers played for money. He always thought they played for free, just for the sheer pleasure of cricket!

11. He was sitting in front of the TV with an untouched lunch plate.
“Oh God! I’m so hungry and I can’t eat.”
When I asked him why, he said, “My serial has gone on a break. Food doesn’t taste the same during an ad break and hence I have no choice but to wait!”

12. Cartoons are repeated endlessly and kids watch an episode dozens of times. So a common question is, “Why is he going to do that in the next scene? Why will that happen in the next scene?”

13. He still can’t get over the fact that the Chak de India film world cup doesn’t count as a world cup in real life too. “They played so well, didn’t they!”

14. When I said, “May you live a 100 years,” he replied, “May you live 50 billion years!”

15. On the last day before the vacations, he suddenly yelled, “Thank God! My worst nightmare is over!” When I asked him what, he replied, “Studies!”

16. I was playing cricket with my son. I got his wicket, clean bowled.
He stood his ground and challenged me saying, “The ball pitched more that 2.5 metres from the stump!”
When I ridiculed him for that, in the very next match he said, “I’ll play as long as there are no umpire reviews! Every decision has to be final!”

© Sunil Rajguru

A tribute to Anna Hazare…

First of all you have to change yourself…
(That Anna Hazare did when he survived the war and came back home)

Then you get the power to change the little world around you…
(That he did when he transformed his village Ralegaon Siddhi from a barren den of drinkers to a lush green model village admired by the nation)

After that you can effect an even bigger change…
(That he did by his decades of endless crusading which led to many ministers resigning and a lot of work to getting done)

Then you get the power to change the fate of millions…
(The crusade against corruption is just the beginning and may transform India)

That’s the Anna message: If you want to change the world first, you will fail. Sincerely change yourself, the rest will automatically follow.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Ye hai IPL yaaro…

∙ In IPL, everything goes in fast forward.
Look at Sourav Ganguly’s career with Team India…

1993: No support
2006: No captaincy
2008: No respect
2009: No Team India

His career with the IPL…

IPL1: No support
IPL2: No captaincy
IPL3: No respect

∙ Kal tha Bangalorean, aaj hai Rajasthani,
Abhi hoga Bengali, jabki kal tha Delhiwala,
Hero ban gaya zero, zero ban gaya hero,
Kuch zero ghate, kuch zero bade,
IPL ke kacche hai har tarah ke rishtey…

© Sunil Rajguru

Dream Scam Cabinet

President of India: Manmohan Singh

Prime Minister: Andimuthu Raja

Information and Broadcasting Minister: Niira Radia

Sports Minister: Suresh Kalmadi

Junior Sports Minister: Lalit Modi

Finance Minister: Harshad Mehta

Commerce Minister: Ketan Parekh

Minister for Information Technology: B Ramalinga Raju

Revenue Minister: Abdul Karim Telgi

Agriculture Minister: Laloo Prasad Yadav

Defence Minister: Win Chadha

Minister for External Affairs: Dawood Ibrahim

Minister for Civil Aviation: Any Fake Pilot will do

Industries Minister: AR Antulay

Telecom Minister: Sukh Ram
(Under close supervision of Shree Honorable Prime Minister)

Minister for Urban Development: Mayawati

Home Minister: Mulayam Singh Yadav

Minister for Mines: G Janardhana Reddy

Minister for Environment: G Karunakara Reddy

Cabinet Secretary: PJ Thomas

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

March 2011 Status updates

∙ Even when Sachin plays really badly, it’s a Catch-5 situation for Pakistan!

∙ Somehow, I am feeling sorry for the Pakistanis.
Now I want to feel really sorry for the Sri Lankans.

∙ Now showing at World Cup cinema: Pak ko harakar raakh kar doonga!

∙ Sachin Ten(lives)dulkar beats Shayad Afridi & Shayad Ajmal, Miss-bah, Umar Ball-Gul, A Sad Shafique and Wah! Riaz

(March 31)

∙ A prayer for wives who hate cricket…
“May India win the world cup just so that my husband shuts up and doesn’t sulk for the next four years!”

∙ Even Facebook and Twitter are blue today! Go India Blues Go!
(OK, they’re Blue every day, but what the hell!)

∙ Cricket lovers of India unite!
You have nothing to lose but your nerves!

∙ Today is World War 3!
Take shelter at Mohali Stadium or establishments with giant screens or the safety of your home TV room.
May the Gods of electricity, health and victory be with you!
Jai Hind!

∙ Today India is one gigantic pressure cooker.
The whistle is Mohali.
Pake raho!

∙ Imran Khan advised sleeping pills to players “before” Indo-Pak match.
However, losing fans will certainly require them at night “after” the game!

∙ India and Pakistan: Match of life and death.
Rest of World: Match ado about nothing!

∙ Jitna baat kar rahe hai ex cricket players, utna kabhi life main khela bhi nahin hoga!

(March 30)

∙ Indian team. Pak team. Crazy fans from both sides of the border. Manmohan. Gilani. Sonia. Bollywood stars. Other VVIPs… hell the security must be even greater than Obama’s inauguration! Talk of a humble semi-final match in a developing country!

∙ Will patriotic Indian bookies and mafia offer the Pak team tonnes of money to tank the match?

∙ Ha Malik sahab, aap ne bol diya, ab sab ekdum dar gaye, ab koi match-fixing nahin hoga!

(March 29)

∙ All Thoughts Lead to Mohali…

∙ “Oh! India and Pak are meeting in a cricket WC semi-final. OK let’s meet and discuss the fate of two nations.”
No wonder Indo-Pak ties are in such a mess.
What next? Special concessions for the country that wins?

(March 28)

∙ In the 2015 World Cup, if South Africa beat Canada in the quarters, then it would be the greatest upset in the history of cricket!

∙ Cricketing caution: Fire, water and batting powerplays are good servants, but bad masters.

(March 27)

∙ When he came, he was White Knight Manmohan Singh.
Now he’s Black Moneymohan Singh!
Such a long journey…

(March 26)

Yuvi ka Raj hai. Rickety Ponting ka team hai.
Sach is India’s batting form that even bowling Khan do it.
Bring on Pak! Who’s afraid of Afridi?

(March 25)

∙ Indian Airline pilots: Hamare saath bhed kyu? Hamara scam kyu nahin? Aakhir hum bhi to insaan hai!

∙ Out, out champ Aussies! out, I say!—One; two; three titles, why, then ’tis now time to do’t.— Kick them out or all will be murky…

∙ Wonder what Anil Kumble thinks when he’s stuck in a jam at Anil Kumble Cirlce. And will we have an MS Dhoni Road?

(March 24)

∙ Advani’s dream of becoming PM may not have come true, but Manmohan’s nightmare of trying to stay as PM has just begun.

∙ Windies: Your crash or mine?
Pak: Aaj aap ki baari hai.

∙ West Indies cricket died long back.
Looks like today even the ghost is dying.

(March 23)

∙ By the time the Karnataka government is finally brought down, the Election Commission will politely inform the Governor and dissidents that 5 years is up, it was time for polls anyway.

∙ Half the central government is busy taking bribes.
The other half is busy in scam-taint damage control.
Who’s running the nation?

(March 22)

∙ America is always itching to attack some country or other.
They usually get their wish.
Hello Libya!

(March 19)

∙ It’s been going on for so long now that Yedyurappa can officially induct a Dissidence Control Minister.

∙ Unlike Japan, India’s problems are man-made.
A tsunami of scams has rocked the nation, leading to a political meltdown.

(March 18)

• I was playing cricket with my son. I got his wicket, clean bowled.
He stood his ground and challenged me saying, “The ball pitched more that 2.5 metres from the stump!”

• Mulayam: Itna maha corruption faila hua hai ki apan log news se gayab hi ho gaye.
Maya: Chalo, ladai karte hai. Kuch to coverage milega!

• The Sheen has been taken off CBS.

Dus mulko ke commentators cheekh rahe hai aur chilla rahe hain.
Piyush Chawla ko team se hatana mushkil hi nahin namumkin hai.

• Dog: Wag the tail.
US Spinmasters: Wag the dog.
Gaddafi: Wag the whole world.

(March 9)

Pahale Raja gaya Centre se.
Ab jaa raha hain uska band, baja aur baraat.

Next, sab State se bhi jaayenge kya?
Jaya ho!

• Dhoni’s new theme song…
Chawla hoga kaamyaab, Chawla hoga kaamyaab,
Chawla hoga kaamyaab ek din,
Man main hai vishwas poora hai vishwas..

• So Piyush Chawla is the new Ravindra Jadeja.

(March 7)

• Stuck on C.
A for Adarsh. B for Bofors.
C for Congress. C for Corruption. C for CVC. C for CWG. C for CBI cases. C for Cricket Scandals. C for Court (Supreme). C for Chief Justice rebuke. C for Chavan revelations. C for…

• Bofors case closed.
Makes sense. Just Rs 64 crores kickback.
Who has time for anything less than Rs 1000 crores nowadays anyway?
(Plus more than Rs 64 crores must have been spent on probes so far.)

• Now showing worldwide: The King’s Speech.
Now showing in India: The Prime Minister’s Speech.

• So Charlie Sheen is the half man in Two and a half men.

(March 5)

• EC should not ban TN colour TVs to the people.
Grassroots democracy at its finest…
Bribes reaching the common man.

• Gaddafi is currently leading a revolution among despots…

• So currently quizmaster Derek O’Brien is not the most famous O’Brien in India.

(March 3)

• Cricket update:
India-England tie-tie
UDRS hai-hai!
Ticket Dreams bye-bye
BCC(I)CC bhai-bhai
…Match-fixing die-die!

• You don’t have to be an Alice to be in Wonderland.
Being a Gadaffi will do quite nicely!

(March 2)

© Sunil Rajguru