7 reasons why you should stay off Indian pavements…

…and walk on the roads instead…

• They are more dangerous. You can see the state of the roads and potholes and all, there is nothing to it. But the pavements are haphazard, risky and you never know when you’ll fall into a hidden hole or trip on something uneven.

• Shops have taken over the pavements for their commercial use and you are morally encroaching upon them when you walk on the pavements. It’s also their personal parking space.

• Dog poop. Dog poop. Dog poop. Wonder why the Indian dogs prefer pavements over roads and trees. Also in some cases, it could be a case of human poop too.

• Most pavements are next to houses and you never know when cleaning water or garbage will fall upon you. That’s another thing: In many places pavements are permanent garbage bins.

• Walking on tar is kinder on your knees than walking on cement.

• During jams, bikers get onto pavements. They will honk furiously and almost knock you down. For some strange reason, you get more respect from them if you walk on roads.

• You are an Indian right? So how can you think of doing anything the right way?

© Sunil Rajguru

Groups that might actually look forward to Global Warming…

• Real Estate Agents Who Don’t Want New Land, But Simply Want Less At Much Higher Prices

• Moral Police Agitators Who Want Immoral Beaches to Just Sink and Vanish

• Freshwater Alarmists Who Will Be Delighted By So Much More Freshwater Formed By The Melting of Glaciers

• Life Forms in Cold Hostile Environments Yearning For a Change

• Fan and AC Companies Plagued With Continuously Shrinking Profits

• Camels And Scorpions Alarmed By Their Dwindling Habitat

• Ocean Travel Agents Who Wouldn’t Mind a Bit More Territory

© Sunil Rajguru

Types of eclipses in India…

Bangalore Eclipse: The obscuration of the light of the sun by the intervention of clouds between the sun and Bangalore city. Happens for more than half of the days of the year. Sometimes overpowers solar eclipses too. More severe in Cherrapunji and Mawsynram.

Delhi Eclipse: The obscuration of the light of the sun by the intervention of pollutants between the sun and Delhi city. More in some areas and also depends on state policies like CNG regulation and crackdown of industrial areas. Present to some extent in other Indian cities too.

Mumbai Eclipse: The obscuration of the light of the sun by the intervention of skyscrapers between the sun and certain vertically challenged buildings in the city. Certain sections of certain buildings haven’t seen the sun for decades. Also called permanent partial eclipse. Also present in certain parts of East Delhi.

Ahmedabad Eclipse: The obscuration of the light of the sun by the intervention of kites between the sun and Ahmedabad city. For this reason, Ahmedabad celebrated eclipse on January 14 instead of 15. Catching on in other Indian cities too.

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 8

· At times…
…there is so much talk of Connectivity, that I feel Disconnected.
…there is so much talk of the Online World, that I feel totally Put Off.
…there is so much talk of the Unlimited potential of Cyberspace, that I feel Cramped.

· If the Earth stopped rotating and moving around the Sun and the Moon drifted off, then would the Days, Months and Years cease to exist? Would we become immortal in some quaint way?

· Isn’t there any software that makes Human Beings Interoperable?

· In 2570 BC, the Great Pyramid of Giza became the tallest man-made structure at 146 metres. Recently, Burj Khalifa claimed that record at 828m. Forget 828m, Bangalore (the place where I live) is yet to break the record set about 4500 years ago.

· You should use the Mobile phone when you are mobile. When you become stationary for long period of time: Switch the mobile off.

© Sunil Rajguru

The All is Well Book Series…

All is Well: An Optimist’s Take on Life

All is Not Well: The Pessimist’s Counter to The Optimist’s Take

Is All Really Well? A Collection of Conspiracy Theories

How All Can Be Well: A Doctor’s Guide to Everlasting Health

To Be Well or Not To Be Well, That Is The Question: Existential Thoughts

All is Sales: How Controversies Are Actually Good for Business

All is Male: A Feminist’s Guide to India

All is Veil: The Real Story of Women in Afghanistan

All Izz Not Really Well: All About Bollywood Screenplays

All is Jail and Bail: How Convicts Always Escape in India

All is Pale: The Fair & Lovely Story

All is Not Rail: How Laloo Got Out of His Post-Ministerial Depression

All is Derail: The Mamata Story

Gone is Retail: The Slowdown of 2009

The Tail is Frail: Getting Bowlers to Bat For Long

All Is Not Email: How The Indian Post Re-Invented Itself

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

Bollywood Books and Authors

The Idiotic Trilogy

Three Point Someones: What not to do at Bollywood—Chetan Bhagat

The Idiot—Aamir Khan, Rajkumar Hirani and Vidhu Vinod Chopra

3 Idiots: The True Story—Chetan Bhagat

The Khan Series

Wanted A Hit No More—Salman Khan

Who is Shahrukh Khan?—Aamir Khan

Wait for My Name is Khan
—Shahrukh Khan

My Name is Also Khan—Aamir Khan

Same Here—Salman Khan

What about me?—Imran Khan

There are More Than Three Khans in Bollywood—Arbaaz, Farah, Fardeen, Irrfan, Saif, Sajid and Soha Ali.

General Reading

The Story of My Experiments With the National Anthem
—Ram Gopal Varma

De Dana Dan Flops have left me Blue
—Akshay Kumar

Child is the Father of Man—Amitabh & Abhishek Bachchan

My Real Rashee is Cancer
—Priyanka Chopra

Hit Hain Possible
—Uday Chopra

The Airport—Shahrukh Khan (aka The Terminal)

Mumbai pe Bombay Kurbaan—Karan Johar

Solah Bigha Zameen—Amitabh Bachchan

The Art of Flying Kites—Hrithik Roshan & Barbara Mori

The Songs of India—AR Rahman

Prison Diary— Neil Nitin Mukesh

Coming Soon, The Idiotic Sequel Trilogy

The Misers—Chetan Bhagat

Much Ado About Nothing
—Vidhu Vinod Chopra

The Merchants of Bollywood—Chetan Bhagat

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

10 things I’d like to see end in 2010…

The Kasab Saga
Punish him. Release him. Hang him. Extradite him to Pakistan. Let him write his autobiography. Make a Bollywood film on his life. Give him all the kebabs he wants. Whatever! Let’s get it over with and move on…

Andhra Pradesh Imbroglio
In 2009 YSR died in a plane crash. Then there was the Telangana crisis and the Tiwari tapes bang at the end of the year. I think the state deserves some nice peace and quiet this year. Needed is a firm hand from the Centre.

Swine Flu Alarm
Let’s just treat this like any other disease, please!

Commonwealth Games Drama
OK, here’s one that will come true! The Commonwealth Games are ending in October 2010. (Unless it goes to England at the last moment and we host it in 2014. Delhi will collapse under the controversy. Or maybe a new long-drawn controversy will begin after the Games end. Sigh!)

BJP Infighting
Vajpayee went. Advani is gone. Rajnath is gone. OK, can we begin a new chapter and have a sane two-party system in the country again? Let’s see how the Nitin Gadkari-Sushma Swaraj duo fare vis-a-vis their own partymen in 2010.

Obama Hype
He’s a great talker with great ideas. But I don’t want to hear another speech. I’d like to see the world changing because of him. The Hype has ended. People want Action. (I personally think India is worse off and more at danger thanks to the Af-Pak strategy)

Pak-US buddy-buddy statements
Pakistan is our best friend in the fight against terrorism and we are paying them x-billion dollars. Yawn!

The R word
Hope Recession well and truly ends by the end of 2010 and we generally have some good economic news.

Over the top TV News
I think this is too much to ask for. It will probably get worse in 2010.

Isn’t Nicolas Sarkozy the President of France and Carla Bruni the First Lady? Isn’t Silvio Berlusconi the Prime Minister of Italy? They’re political leaders right? Then why do I keep reading more of their personal lives? And why is the Indian media bothered anyway?

© Sunil Rajguru

Aal Izzz Not Well

Please sing to the tune of Aal Izzz Well from 3 Idiots

Jab controversy ho out of control
Facts aur opinions ko kar ke gol
Facts aur opinions ko kar ke gol
Seeti bajaa ke bol

Aal Izzz Not Well

Author kya jaane screenplay ka kya hoga
Arre credit milega ya tawa pe fry hoga
Koi na jaane apna credit kya hoga

Jab controversy ho out of control
Facts aur opinions ko kar ke gol
Facts aur opinions ko kar ke gol
Seeti bajaa ke bol
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well

Confusion hi confusion hai
Exact percentage ka kuch pata nahin
Original story jo movie main faila to saala
Percentage of originialty kya tha pata nahin
Sab log jo har press conference main chillaye:
2%, 10% aur 70% ya kya hain…
Hum sab Idiots hai, pyaar se kaun kisko samjhaye

Percentages ghuma
Seeti bajaa
Seeti bajaa ke bol
Bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well

Movie hui superhit sab pee gaye daaru
Gham to phir bhi mitaa nahin
End main percentages sab raakh ho gayi
Reality to phir bhi dikha nahin

Author kya jaane screenplay ka kya hoga
Arre credits aage rahega ya peeche hoga
Koi na jaane apna credit kya hoga

Toh facts ghuma
Seeti bajaa
Seeti bajaa ke bol
Bhaiyaa aal Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well
Arre bhaiyya Aal Izzz Not Well…

Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Aal Izz Well
Film: 3 Idiots
Year: 2009)

2010 Sify Columns

The year VVIP privacy was finally breached
WikiLeaks, Radia, Twitter… have changed the rules
29 December, 2010, Sify.com

The Year the Congress Party Lost its Mojo
Instead of becoming stronger, it became weaker in 2010.
25 December, 2010, Sify.com

The year Indian media lost its virginity
This has definitely been the annus horibilis for Indian media.
24 December, 2010, Sify.com

Congress versus BJP: Spot the difference
The two parties are like twins separated at birth…
21 December, 2010, Sify.com

But why are you surprised over the Radia Tapes?
Do you really think you can stop journalists from lobbying…
26 November, 2010, Sify.com

It’s still bouquets for Pak & brickbats for India
Nothing much has changed despite Obama’s visit
12 November, 2010, Sify.com

In defence of the Commonwealth Games
The games are good… the execution is bad…
August 12, 2010

Wanted: A Berlin Wall for India and Pakistan
Indo-Pak talks always go nowhere
July 23, 2010

The dream Indian football needs
How it will become more popular than cricket
June 11, 2010

Short Takes December 2009

· Today’s Wisdom: Stress pushes up cholestrol levels. Eating what you want makes you happy, hence stress-free. Eating what you don’t like stresses you, pushing up cholestrol. You do the Maths!

(December 29)

· When will the “Obama Hype Era” end?

· Thank God Headley is not being extradited to India. otherwise we would have had a Kasab Part 2

· The Kotla Pitch is actually the graveyard of the Future of Sporting ODI pitches in India. Now everyone will say: Make it Flat & Dead, let all the teams make 300-400. I’m Happy: You’re Happy.

(December 28)

· Tiger Woods has 14 major Pro titles in 10 odd years. And it was revealed that he had 14 girlfriends in 2009. Now that’s really balancing your personal-professional life perfectly!

· India finally has an answer to Tiger Woods: Tiger Tiwari!

· T… T… T… Telangana… T… T… T…Tiwari… T… T… T…Tera kya hoga re Andhra Pradesh?

(December 26)

· Dan Brown’s Lost Symbol should be called The Lost Plot (or The Lost Climax) (But I’m still a fan)

· Split Andhra… Split Jharkhand verdict… Split Home Ministry… This country has a splitting headache.

· A girl is molested. Her family is harassed. She commits suicide. More harassment. A 19-year wait. 6 months imprisonment. A 1000-Rupee fine. Justice Denied, Delayed, Mocked and Nullified?

· Overheard: Indian Fielder to Lankan Fielder: Tera haath mera haath se slippery kaisa? Raaz kya hain?

· Indo-Lanka Series Review: Matches 1&2: Batsman Star Wars. Match 3: The Bowling Empire Strikes Back. Match 4: Return of the Batting Jedis…

(December 25)

· Ah! I love the Cold Night Dew when India is chasing in a cricket match!

· A lesson on how to chase 300+ in singles.

· Mahi ke bina Way, Yuvi ke bina Raj! India all the way..

· Captain Dhoni and Matchwinner Yuvraj both missing. Cool! We’ll just do a Eden Garden Record Chase of 300+, Thank You!

· Will there be Tele-presence in Hyderabad, or will it go Independent?

· Dan Brown should write only the first 95% of each of his novels. The Final 5% he should leave to another writer, a good finisher. The results would be awesome.

(December 24)

· Andhra main sirf Telangana raaj karega… baaki sab issues gaye Tel lene…

· They recently discovered a planet with water. Cool! So if we ever run out of water, we have to travel just 40 light years to get some more…

(December 23)

· We are all waiting for the the Modern World’s First Big Environmental Global Disaster. Action will be taken after that. Till then enjoy life, bicker and rejoice compromises…

· Sometimes I think Kasab doesn’t exist & he’s a fictional character like Santa Claus

(December 22)

· Breaking News: The Copenhagen Summit just increased the temperature of the Earth by 0.00000000001 degrees!

· The Climate Meeting was a great success! We have agreed on the Agenda of the next Climate Meeting!

· Copenhagen. The Day After. Business as usual.

· If you really want to check climate change, then you don’t need a fancy summit at a fancy venue to do so.

· We will climb all the No. 1 pinnacles in cricket except the No. 1 in Fielding…

(December 19)

· Ek din ki chandini, phir andheri din/raat match hain…

· Change, like Charity, begins at home. But Climate Change, it seems, has to begin in the other person’s home.

· Golfer: OK, I’ll g… g… g… g…give up g… g… g… g…golf. Wife: The G word is Girlfriend you idiot, not Golf! Bye!

· Just like a Random Number Generator, the Twitter Home Page is a Random Message Generator

· Change Of Political Environment Not Happening Again, Greenbacks Ensure Nothing

(December 18)

· Kyoto. Bonn. Milan… Copenhagen… Venues anek. Nateeja ek?

· In the future, Tiger Woods will be respected and admired as the man who gave up both Golf and Girlfriends for his wife.

Googly Wave. Mere liye to woh ek Googly hi hain.

(December 15)

· For Google it was Brave, for most of us it was as dead as a Grave, anyone still want Wave?

· Looks like the slowdown has ended in India. OK! Now you can start wasting money, buying things you don’t really need and putting your money in highly risky money-making schemes.

· Dharti Maa hamse bahut naraaz aur ghusse se garam hain, isiliye Global Warming ho raha hain, sirf pradushan ke waje se nahin

· Pak’s employer is the US Govt. Their PR agency is the Taliban. Their policies are more about foreigners than citizens. Pak desperately needs a Second Independence.

· Post-Telangana, the concept of Mil baat ke khaayenge has been taken to a totally new level.

(December 14)

· So Tiger Woods is not in competition with Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer etc, but with Bill Clinton, Hugh Hefner and Casanova.

· Facebookers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains!

· With the retirement of Bajaj Scooters, a Bit of the Old India just died.

· Raja says 3G in India is on schedule. He is right actually. He had probably scheduled it for 2015 in the first place.

· Green Summits aate hain, Green Summits jaate hain, par CO2 emissions wahi pe raha jaate hain…

· Indian Fielders were playing for Lankan Batsman. Lankan Fielders were playing for Indian Batsman. That’s one battle that the Lankan Fielders won.

· That’s why it’s called a Great Match. Our pathetic fielding was Matched by Lanka. India 211/11 beat Lanka 206/13

· Al-Qaeda can’t be defeated till Osama killed: US. That means if he’s already dead, then the US have already beaten Al-Qaeda, only they don’t know it.

(December 13)

· RGV is coming out with Rann 2 featuring the Telangana crisis. The theme song will be: Telan-Gana-Mana adhinayak jaya hain…

· Meri saas aspatal main. Biwi ghar chod ke chali gayi. Teesri, chauthi, paanchvi… (bolte rahahiye) aurat ka pol khul gaya. Ye sab shaurat, naam mitti main mil gaya… Main ek vishaal golfer bol raha hu, koi Ekta Kapoor character nahin!

· Angrez jaake 62 saal ho gaye, par “Divide and Rule” ka keeda ab tak Bharatvarsha ke system main buland hain…

(December 12)

· Very soon Farmville may demand statehood from Facebook (Which is already the 3rd biggest country in the world)

· From “Akhand Bharat” to Khandistan…

· KCR is the New Mahatma. Hyderabad is the New Chandigarh. Manmohan is the New Nehru.

· Change is inevitable. So is Climate Change. Change is resisted. So is Climate Change. Ultimately Change is accepted and adapted to. So will Climate Change be. Copenhagen will not even be able to reduce even the gas in the speeches of world leaders.

(December 11)

· Andhra Pradesh just went on a diet and shed a few districts. This fad may Fast catch on in other States.

(December 10)

· Sachin will retire from ODIs when he has 50 100s and a 100 50s.

· Carbon emissions 5% jyaada ho rahe hain, 5% kam karo… is-se vishaal duniya ko sacchi main kuch farak padega kya? Is Mother earth impressed?

· Woh Sikander hi dosto… kahalata hain… jyaada ICC anko ko jeetna… jise aata hain…

· Zimbly weight for thee Dubai griziz to enfold, eet eez note aze baed aze u theengk.

(December 7)

· South Africa were Test No. 1 for a record Less Time. Now that’s one record we don’t want to break!

· Don’t know if Copenhagen will reduce the Global Climate, but it has sure heated the Global Political Climate, especially in India.

· Dhoni ka hat-trick! At some point in his tenure, India has been No. 1 in T20s, ODIs and Tests!

(December 6)

· Great! After some decades, maybe a few hundred billion dollars and the loss of thousands of lives, the US is finally acting tough with Pak. (But is it really?)

· The Sehwag Saga… 309: The Fast & the Furious. 319: 2Fast2Furious. If not today, I’m sure that 3F3F will come one day…

· If the US wasn’t a friend of Pak, I think today Pak would have been much more balanced and developed…

(December 4)

·Bush let Osama get away because if he had caught him, then he would have had nothing left to do after that..

· Somewhere along the way, Sehwag lost his Test & ODI technique… so he simply decided to use his T20 technique in all forms of the game.

(December 3)

· 1 2 ka 4, 4 2 ka 1, yahi hain India ki ICC ranking ki kahani…

(December 2)

· “Change” has come in Indo-US ties. From “I Love Bush” it’s “I’ll do whatever Obama says”

(December 1)

© Sunil Rajguru