The A to Z of IPL

IAL: Indian Advertisements League

IBL: Indian Bollywood League

ICL: Indian Controversies League

IDL: Indian Dollars League

IEL: Indian Entertainment League

IFL: Indian Featherbed League

IGL: Indian Greed League

IHL: Indian Hype League

IIL: Indian Injuries League

IJL: Indian Jamboree League

IKL: Indian Kangaroo League (Aussies rule)

ILL: Indian Lalit League

IML: Indian Modi League

INL: Indian Nautanki League

IOL: Indian Outsourced League (Season 2)

IPL: Indian Paisa League

IQL: Indian Quantitative League (As against Qualitative)

IRL: Indian Retirees League

ISL: Indian Sponsorship League

ITL: Indian TRPs League

IUL: Indian Unorthodox League

IVL: Indian Valuable League

IWL: Indian Widening League (10 in 2011, 12-14 thereafter)

IXL: Indian Xerox League (Anyone remember ICL was the original?)

IYL: Indian YouTube League

IZL: Indian Zeppelin League (Blimp ads)

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

Some sample ballot papers…

If you live in the most populous state of India:
Vote for…

1. A party whose leader is busy building statues in her image and receiving garlands worth crores of Rupees.
2. A party whose leader doesn’t know what governance is and believes Romeos will whistle at Women MPs.
3. A party which knocked down a religious structure and then went on to decimate its own party leadership.
4. A party which used to bag 100% Lok Sabha seats in the State; which gave the country a few PMs and yet hardly did any development in its decades of rule.

If you live in the State that houses the financial capital of India:
Vote for…

1. A party which has ruled the state for decades and currently seems to have no ideology whatsoever.
2. A party with an extreme ideology.
3. A newer party with an even more extreme ideology.
4. A party whose ideology currently seems confused but seems to support the party with the extreme ideology.

If you live in the most intellectual state of India:
Vote for…

1. A party which has been ruling for decades and hardly has any development to show for it and who’s muscle power is more visible than anything else.
2. A party whose leader is the ultimate agitator and one feels will just agitate and not govern or rule if it comes to power.
3. A party which unleashed such violence in the sixties and seventies that people still do not want to touch it with a bargepole.
4. A party which has a marginal presence in this part of the country and who’s ideology no-one can identify with.

If you live in a State that has been granted special status:
Vote for…

1. A party that belongs to the Abdullah dynasty.
2. A party that belongs to the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty.
3. A party that belongs to the Sayeed dynasty.
4. A party that doesn’t belong to any dynasty.

If you live in God’s Own Country:
Vote for…

A coin will do as there are only two groupings have any chance of being in power and that’s the way it’s been for decades.

© Sunil Rajguru

Sometimes I wonder…

We all know that all our politicians are worth hundreds of crores.
Yet when they flaunt a few crores, we get rattled.

We all know that all our politicians are corrupt, which is a crime, hence they are all criminals.
But only the chargesheeted ones upset us.

We all frown on nepotism in every walk of life.
Yet one family has been ruling this country for more than half of its Independent existence and we know and accept that another sonrise is due.

If we meet 90% of our work targets, then we feel really bad.
But if politicians even meet 10% of their targets, we get very happy.

© Sunil Rajguru

Who let the bees out?

Very recently, there was a political rally in Mysore which was attacked by bees.

Please read to the tune of the Baha Men song Who Let the Dogs Out

Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)
Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)

When the rally was nice, the politicians were jumpin’ (Hey-yippie-yi-yo)
And everybody havin’ a ball (Hah-ho-yippie-yi-yo)
Someone told the fellas “start the fire smokin” (Yippie-yi-yo)
And the police report to call that the poor beehive is down

Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)
Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)

I see ya’ little speedy bees head up our coast
They really gotta step down
Get back off me, beast off me
Get back you bumbling buzzing monster

Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)
Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)

Wait for y’all the bees, the FIR is on
They gotta get the queenbee the cops got their mind on
Do you see the conspiracy theories comin’ from every eye
What could you be thinking fiend
By breakin’ that poor beehive down?

Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)
Who let the bees out? (Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz)

Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Who Let The Dogs Out?
Group: Baha Men
Year: 2000)

Overheard… online chapter

• Father: No news of him. He just fell off the Face of the Earth.
Son: No news of him. He just fell off Facebook.

• Today I’ve been feeling really lonely… like I’m the only person on Earth.
Maybe you should see a doctor.
Nah! I’ll be fine tomorrow. My Internet connection is down today.

• Dad…
…when we die, does our soul go to cyberspace?
…did people interact with each other before there were social networking sites?
…if they unleash a virus, then will there be a virtual famine in Farmville?

© Sunil Rajguru

Money aur Mayadi

Please read to the tune of Bunty aur Babli

Chal chal chal chal chalat chalat jab thaat dikhaye aur baat dikhaye oye Money!
Pal pal pal pal palat palat jab kamar ghumaye aur hosh udaye oye Maya
Arre lattu ghumaike chakkar chalaike loot le ho duniya ko thenga dikhaike,
Aisa koi saga nahi jisko thaga nahi aisi mari langdi ki soya jaga nahi,
Chal chal chal chal chalat chal jab thaat dikhaye aur baat dikhaye oye Money!
Pal pal pal pal palat palat jab kamar ghumaye aur hosh udaye oye Maya
Money aur Maya
di, Money aur Mayadi,
In dono ki jodi shamat shamat aur qayamat yaaron… ho ho!!!

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

(Original Song: Bunty aur Babli
Film: Bunty aur Babli
Year: 2005)

The truth behind “eco-friendly” Note Garlands…

Madam Supremo,

I am humbly suggesting my humble suggestion at making our party more eco-friendly. India has thousands of leaders who attend thousands of rallies in a day and are felicitated with garlands of hundreds of flowers per garland. That is millions of flowers per day and billions in a year! To think Madam Supremo, billions of flowers are plucked by selfish human hands only to go into the dustbin! This is the criminal waste! Tonnes of floral waste are also released into the environment every year.

We need a solution for this. Recycling is the mantra of the environmental world. There should be no waste, only recycling. What is the ultimate recycle of the modern world? Money! The same note comes out of the mint, goes into the bank and exchanges hands between poor people, rich people, businessmen, politicians… We can inaugurate new notes as garlands after which they will be disbanded and released into the party and further into the nation. Let us call them “Note Garlands” and implement them with immediate effect. They are eco-friendly and will help save the environment!

We can authorize garlands according to denomination and rank accordingly:

Rs 1000 notes: For Madam Supremo only.
Rs 500 notes: For senior party functionaries.
Rs 100 notes: For district level heads.
Rs 50, 20, 10, 5 notes: Free for all.
Re 1 and Rs 2 notes: Classic old notes. In short supply. For Madam Supremo on special occasions only.

To think of the enormous free publicity we will get on 24 hour news channels! There will be no need to print pamphlets for party propaganda, a further saving for the environment!

We encourage other professions to follow suit:
Journalists can felicitate Editors with garlands of yesterday’s newspapers.
Star Hotels can felicitate VVIPs with garlands of used paper napkins.
Students can felicitate teachers with garlands of used notebooks and of textbooks.
Municipalities can felicitate leaders with garlands of fallen leaves.
And so on and so forth.

We have only one planet.
Let us save it.
Jai Hind!
Jai Madam!

Yours Sincerely,
Party Felicitation Committee

© Sunil Rajguru

7 steps to spend Rs 5000 crores…

…if you are the head the most populous state of a fast growing developing country…

1. Convert national monument into heritage corridor = Rs 175 crores.
2. Build dozens of statues of self all over state = Rs 2000 crores.
3. Annual maintenance of parks to house these statues:
Rs 80 crores per annum X 5 years of power = Rs 400 crores.
4. Price of re-arranging traffic road infrastructure since some of these parks have resulted in the blocking of prominent roundabouts = Rs 370 crores.
5. Price of post retirement bungalow with government funds = Rs 50 crores.
6. Spend Rs 200 crores on a single rally.
Price of ten such rallies including this one = Rs 2000 crores.
7. Total so far: Rs 4995 crores.
Oops! 5 crores left!
What to do?
Just turn them into 1000 Rupee notes and convert them into a garland! Super idea!
All’s well that ends well!

Post Script: Tragedy just occurred, need ex-gratia payments.
Directive: Out of money. Petition Centre.

© Sunil Rajguru

Sab ko badal daloonga!

Even after the renaming of Bombay as Mumbai, some groups are not at all happy…

The Mumbai Rename Everything Committee (MREC) is upset with the continuous use of Bollywood and has urged the film fraternity, journalists and writers to use Mollywood with immediate effect. Mira Nair, Mani Ratnam, Kaizad Gustad and Andrew Lloyd Webber have been petitioned to re-register their works of art as Salaam Mumbai!, Mumbai, Mumbai Boys and Mumbai Dreams respectively.

Show causes have also been issued to the Malayalam Film Industry and the Mormon Film Industry (in the US) that they cannot use the term Mollywood, which will refer exclusively to the film industry of Mumbai henceforth. Stunned American journalist Molly Wood was also issued a threat asking her to change her name.

The Walt Disney Company wasn’t spared either. They have been asked to rename of their fictional character Gordon Bombay as Gordon Mumbai. As we can see, the MREC media arm has been very busy. It has written to the producers of popular American serial Bewitched! to change the name of one of their characters from Dr Bombay to Dr Mumbai. The international division of MREC is also alarmed to learn that a town in Franklin County, New York is still being referred to as Bombay. Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports say that the Auckland administration in New Zealand will change the name of Bombay Hills to Mumbai Hills.

Various air forces of the world were mystified to receive emails saying that the area of their bomber aircrafts where bombs are kept should be named mumb bay (as against the current bomb bay). A retired US colonel on condition of anonymity revealed that in that case they would have to petition the Oxford Dictionary to change the name of bombs to mumbs.

In international news, certain black Bombay cats in Liverpool had the words Mumbai written on them in white paint.  In business news, Bombay Dyeing has called an emergency meeting to think of a new name for the company.

Police have intercepted a mysterious list titled “Kaheech rahanar nahin” (nothing will remain) with the following seemingly unrelated terms: Bombay duck (type of fish dish), Bombay mix (a snack), Bombay Sapphire (a type of gin), Bombay Before the British (a research project in Portugal), Bristol Bombay (type of aircraft), Bombay blood group (a rare blood group) and HMS Bombay (a Royal Navy Ship).

Top secret reports also confirm that the radical division of the MREC has got hold of a Time Machine. They are planning to travel back in time and change the original names to Mumbai State and the Isle of Mumbai to avoid all this confusion in the first place.

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 12

• Do you know that there is only 28.57% reservation for Holidays in the week? Poor Holidays are under-reserved and neglected. I demand 50% reservation for them!

• If Plastic was banned, then the population of the Planet would drastically go up. There would be more pollution and lesser resources. So Plastic is actually an environmentally friendly product.

• If Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, then why do both live on the same planet called Earth?

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 11

• Sometimes I think that women are superior to men in every way. That is why God gave men a head start in this world by making them generally much physically stronger and taller to even things out.

• If only March 8 is Women’s Day, then does that mean that the remaining 364 days are Men’s Days?

• You know you’re not very popular when you get more phone calls from telecallers than those from actual friends and more spam message than actual emails.

• I like to travel the world through the universes of the TV and computer screens. The real world is too tedious.

• My reading habit is really down nowadays. It’s the electricity board’s fault. There are hardly any power cuts off late.

© Sunil Rajguru

Phir dil do… kisko?

OK, India has crashed out of the 2010 Hockey World Cup. The only highpoint of the whole year was India beating Pakistan and the catchline: Phir Dil Do Hockey Ko. If not anything else, we can at least recycle that catchy line…

For the husband who watches too many cricket and hockey matches…
Phir Dil Do Family Ko

For the cynic who wants to kill off Indian hockey permanently…
Phir Gill Do Hockey Ko

For the fan who wants more accountability in Indian Hockey…
Phir Grill Do Management Ko

For those who still think the players lost out due to lack of funds…
Phir Deal Do Hockey Players Ko

For the Democrat who hated the Bush era and is disillusioned with Obama…
Phir Bill Do Amreeka Ko

For the couple scared of a second or third child the Morning After…
Phir Pill Do Biwi Ko

For those disillusioned with Mamata’s stewardship of the Ministry…
Phir Rail Do Laloo Ko

For the person who wants a meaningful slogan till the 2014 Hockey World Cup…
Bahut Dil diya hockey ko. Ab koi to Indian Hockey Management ko Dimaag do!

© Sunil Rajguru