Yet more RCB IPL musings…

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
If Gayle don’t get you, Kohli must.
If Kohli should fall, ABD will make you go bust.
#Qualifier1

Gayle gaya. Kohli gaya. Watson gaya. Rahul gaya. Binny gaya. Baby gaya.
ABD: Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!
#Qualifier1

Sau sonaar ki, ek lohaar ki.
‪#‎IPL‬ ‪#‎RCB‬…
Teen sau sonaar ki, teen lohaar ki.
‪#‎Gayle‬ ‪#‎Kohli‬ ‪#‎ABD‬

Bengaluru boy/girl: Say the 3 magic words!
‪#‎RCB‬ fan: Say the 3 magic letters…
A B D !

Other players…
Gotta try to keep asking rate below 10 runs an over.
ABD…
I am in control till asking rate is upto 16 runs an over.

ABD and RCB bowlers finally telling Kohli…
Tu kucch jyaada hi batting kar liya boss!
Ab thoda araam karle!
#Qualifier1

How do we stop Gayle?
Gayle out of form. So now how do we stop ABD?
Before you sort out ABD, Kohli goes berserk.
And then Gayle comes back in form!

There should be a Yellow Cap or something for the fielder with the most wickets.

Changing times…
VVS Laxman in his 220 international matches career hit 10 6s.
Brendon McCullum in the very first ‪#‎IPL‬ innings hit 13 6s.

Kohli.
Century: Yawn!
Fifty: Underperformed.
Zero: Aaj sooraj kahan se nikla!

Hurricane Kohli.
Gayle Storm.
ABD Cyclone.

Sir, right now Kohli can emerge victorious from any hopeless situation!
Mallya: Then should we make him in-charge of UB?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Kohli-RCB-IPL musings…

You need stitches!
Kohli: Wait. Let me first stitch up victory, then you can treat me.

Bruce ka bhai Koh Lee.
Cool-he.
K007hli.
SabKiLeLi.

Kohli to his bowlers…
Tum runs dete raho, main runs lete rahunga.

Kohli ko out karna mushkil hi nahin, namumkin hai.
Nau international teams aur saat IPL franchisees iska hal dhoond rahe hai.

Kohli singing…
Saare RCB bowlers ka bojh hum uthaate hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

RCB musings…

Photo0635

The “Challengers” in RCB is a problem.
For 8 seasons they’ve only been “challenging”, nothing else.
Make it Royal Champions Bengaluru.

When RCB bat second…
We can chase even 225 with 8 wickets to spare.
When RCB bat first…
Nothing less than 200 will do.
‪#‎IPL2016‬

RCB make…
160: Will lose.
180: Close match.
200: Might win.
220: If they bowl well, they’ll win.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

World Cup musings…

Total prize money up for grabs for 200+ players participating in 2015 ODI World Cup…
$10 million.
Yuvraj Singh’s fee for just appearing in IPL 2015…
$2.5 million.

The World Cup jinx…
Sri Lanka has never beaten Pakistan.
Pakistan has never beaten India.
India has never beaten South Africa.
South Africa has never beaten anyone in a knockout match.

A Tale of Three Summers…
Team India went from an Indian Summer to an Australian Summer and will return to an Indian Summer again.
Instead of a long rest, they’ll rush into a 1.5 month long IPL.

1992—India has beaten you in a World Cup. Will you give it back to them?
Pakistan—‪#‎WeWontGiveItBack‬—1996, 1999, 2003, 2011, 2015.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Latest round of match-fixing musings…

Scamster ho ya match-fixer ho…
Aakhir chhoot jaata hai, chhoot jata hai…

Reporter: Srini?
Mudgal: Sriknew.
‪#‎IPL‬ ‪#‎MudgalReport‬

Selector: Did you check out Powerplay 1, Powerplay 2 and Powerplay 3?
Official: No, I was checking out Individual 1, Individual 2 and Individual 3.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

How to tell what type of cricket match is going on…

You know…

…a Test match is going on…
…when purists are shouting “Test cricket is not dead!”… “Test cricket is not dead!”…

…an ODI match is going on…
…when people in the office are glued to the computer screen and are alternately looking depressed or screaming.

…a T20 match is going on…
…when you get stuck in a traffic jam on your way back from work and you end up missing the entire match due to that.

…the IPL is going on…
…when there’s a sudden spurt in controversies, inane sports ads and there’s more tamasha than actual cricket going on.

…a First Class match is going on…
…actually you never know about it even though there’s some match going on throughout the year all.

…the Women’s Cricket World Cup is going on…
…when a host of experts across all news channels are bemoaning low viewership of women’s cricket.

© Sunil Rajguru

IPL: Inverting the pyramid…

Skill: To get a batsman to play a dot ball at will.
Greater Skill: To get a batsman to hit a six at will.

Skill: To earn money by playing good cricket.
Greater Skill: To earn more money by playing bad cricket.

Skill: To balance matches, training sessions and meetings.
Greater Skill: To balance matches, parties, interviews and franchisee commitments.

Skill: Managing administrators, senior players and commentators as contacts.
Greater Skill: Managing bookies, middlemen and underworld dons as contacts.

Bottomline: International cricket requires skills, but IPL requires greater skills.

© Sunil Rajguru

What is cricket?

Cricket is a gentleman’s game — Anonymous.

Cricket is a pyjamaman’s game — Kerry Packer.

Cricket is a batsman’s game — Modern battered bowler.

Cricket is a businessman’s game — BCCI.

Cricket is a busyman’s game — T20.

Cricket is an adman’s game — TV channels.

Cricket is a bookieman’s game — Sreesanth.

Cricket is a D-companyman’s game — Delhi Police.

Cricket is a short-term-memory-loss-man’s game — Means we will forget this fixing scandal and continue watching as if nothing has happened…

This version by Sunil Rajguru

IPL spot-fixing musings…

 

· If Indian cricket glorifies itself, sports channels TRPs are up.
If Indian cricket disgraces itself, news channels TRPs are up.
Either way the TRPs are up!

· Yesterday’s batsman: By God, I hope this is a loose ball.
Today’s batsman: By bookie, I hope this is a fixed ball!

· Chandila to Sree: I can match your spot-fixing.
Delhi Police: I can spot your match-fixing.
BCCI: You still can’t match my being spotless.

· Indians believe strongly in fate, meaning life itself is fixed.
What is match-fixing in front of life-fixing?

· Some 25 cricketers have been banned for fixing, (half of them Indians).
So now let’s have an India XI versus World XI match, with the losing team being declared the victor.

· In 2008, Bhajji slapped Sree.
In 2009, he got Padma Shri.
Action and reward long before spot-fixing-gate?

© Sunil Rajguru

To market, to market with the IPL…

Sabjiwallah: Aloo lo, mooli lo, adrak lo…
IPLwallah: Ponting lo, Dhoni lo, Sachin lo

Shopkeeper: I got a real bargain on this shirt and bagged it real cheap.
IPL Team Owner: I got a real bargain on Clarke and bagged him real cheap.

Shopkeeper: We are having a real problem due to unsold goods.
PCB: We are having a real problem due to unsold goods… err… players.

Manager: You will be amazed to know how much ROI I got over that deal.
CSK: You will be amazed to know how much ROI we got over that Dhoni.

Mukesh Ambani: I’m a Forbes billionaire.
Glenn Maxwell: I’m an IPL millionaire.

Co-employee: Send your resume across and you’ll know how much you’re really worth.
Cricketer: Stand in the IPL auction and you’ll know how much you’re really worth.

Kerry Packer: Big boys play at night.
Srinivasan: Big boys play only play for big bucks.

Bogart in Casablanca: We’ll always have Paris.
Mallya to son: Even if we lose all our other companies, we’ll always have RCB.

Yesterday: Who is Kane Richardson?
Today: He is worth $300,000 more than his countrymen Ponting and Clarke.

At all other times: Ponting, which is the best captain you’ve played under? Waugh!
During IPL season: Ponting, which is the best captain you’ve played under? Ganguly! (Next year, he’ll say Sachin!)

Yesterday’s cricketer: I want to play for my country 12 months a year.
Today’s cricketer: I want to party and play in IPL for 1.5 months and relax for the remaining 10.5 months.

Yesterday: The more matches you play, the more money you get.
Today: Once you get a good price at the auction, you’ll have a greater ROI per match, the lesser matches you play!

Analyst: The stocks of IT companies are down this season.
IPL: The stocks of Windies players are down this season.

Companies board: The following company has gone bankrupt and been liquidated.
IPL: Kochi Tuskers is declared bankrupt and been liquidated.

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 18

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Dhoni.
Dhoni who?
Don’ you think he’s the luckiest captain of IPL?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Chris Gayle.
Chris Gayle who?
Christ! Gaye tel lene saare bowlers!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
SR Khan.
SR Khan who?
Sir, can you stop with all these non-stop fights and controversies?

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
UPA.
“You PA Sangma who?” asks the UPA presidential selection committee.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Random IPL & SRK controversy musings…

∙ Shah ruk!
Nahin rukunga!

∙ I love you K K K K K K Kiran!
I hate you C C C C C C C Controversies!

∙ SRK vs KKR: Dada! Dada! Dada!
SRK vs RR: Smoking case at Jaipur stadium.
SRK vs MI: Ban at Wankhede stadium.
Next match is what?

∙ Citi should instead make a charitable contribution for every IPL controversy and they’d go bankrupt in no time.

∙ It is difficult to tell whether the IPL has more controversies or 6s by Chris Gayle.

∙ If the TRP ratings for IPL matches is 4, then similar ratings for IPL controversies is probably 40.

© Sunil Rajguru