South Africa anti-choke musings…

banner-2024936_640Ref: South Africa versus Sri Lanka, March 18, 2015.

After AAP political realignment, a choking realignment is underway in the South Africa-Sri Lanka quarter final match at World Cup 2015.

South Africa needed 134 off 50.
AB de Villiers wanted to open but then someone reminded him it was 50 overs and not 50 balls.

Sri Lankan batting chokes.
Now South African batsmen have a greater chance of chauke pe chauka rather than choke-a pe choke-aa.

Dekh bhai, bahut choke kar liya aapne!
Aaj hamari baari hai!
—Sri Lankan batsmen

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

World Cup musings…

Total prize money up for grabs for 200+ players participating in 2015 ODI World Cup…
$10 million.
Yuvraj Singh’s fee for just appearing in IPL 2015…
$2.5 million.

The World Cup jinx…
Sri Lanka has never beaten Pakistan.
Pakistan has never beaten India.
India has never beaten South Africa.
South Africa has never beaten anyone in a knockout match.

A Tale of Three Summers…
Team India went from an Indian Summer to an Australian Summer and will return to an Indian Summer again.
Instead of a long rest, they’ll rush into a 1.5 month long IPL.

1992—India has beaten you in a World Cup. Will you give it back to them?
Pakistan—‪#‎WeWontGiveItBack‬—1996, 1999, 2003, 2011, 2015.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

You don’t speak a European language? You can’t win the Football World Cup!

the-ball-488700_640Number of FIFA World Cups won by official national language…

Portuguese: 5.
(Brazil: 5)

Spanish: 5.
(Uruguay: 2, Argentina: 2, Spain: 1)

German: 4.
(Germany: 4)

Italian: 4.
(Italy: 4)

French: 1.
(France: 1)

English: 1.
(England: 1)

Moral of the story: If you don’t speak a European language, you can’t win the Football World Cup!

Also, co-incidentally, the languages that the countries come from…
Portugal, Spain, France, Germany, Italy and England are all neighbouring countries sitting in the map together!

© Sunil Rajguru

April 2011 Status Updates

∙ Just because you want to make Brick plural, you use the word s.
Just because you want to make BRIC plural, you use South Africa?

(April 14)

∙ Tired of India winning the Corruption World Cup over and again, Anna Hazare throws a googly at the politicians…

(April 5)

∙ Lord of the Cups trilogy:
1983: The Fellowship of the Cup
1987&1996: The Twin Towers of Defeat
2011: Return of the Cup.

∙ No jinx jinxed enough for Dhoni to fix.

∙ Saare ICC rankings gaye tel lene!
We are world champions for the next four years!

∙ Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old and in cricket world cups, India will beat Pakistan, South Africa will choke, Australia and Sri Lanka will fight, the West Indies will crash and the minnows will always flatter to decieve.

‎∙ 1983: WC in England. 1985: Mini WC in Aus. 2002: Mini WC in Lanka. 2007: T20 WC in SA.

∙ 2011: WC in India! Finally tigers at home!

∙ The BCCI has foresight. No wonder we’ve been playing with Sri Lanka so much in the last two years. They knew the two would meet in the final and hence practice for that!

∙ Dhoni ko harana mushkil hi nahin, namumkin hai!

∙ First Politician: How do we sort out all these scams, corruption, public backlashes…
Second Politician: Forget it! India has just won the world cup!

∙ New post-World Cup theme song:
Diya ghuma ke!

∙ The Cup of Vengeance!
1996 WC Semis defeat to SL: Avenged!
2003 WC Final loss to Aus: Avenged!
2007 WC loss to Bangla: Avenged
General losses to Pak: Avenged!
Losses to SA in 2011: SA avenged themselves!

‎∙ 28 years baad is banjar sookhi zameen par baarish hui ha.
World Cup monsoon aayo re!

∙ Bockbuster: Main Hoon Na!
Starring MS Dhoni as SRK and Piyush Chawla/S Sreesanth as Zayed Khan.
Ashwin: To Main Nahin Hoon Kya?
Who cares? They all won the World Cup!

(April 3)

∙ Will it Sachin get a second chance at being third time lucky?
(2×3=Sixth world cup appearance)

(April 1)

© Sunil Rajguru

If wishes were horses…

After 20 years, Imran Khan is the Prime Minister of Pakistan and Sachin Tendulkar the PM of India.
India and Pak reach the final of the 2032 T10 World Cup. So Sachin invites Imran  to Eden Gardens where they meet and discuss a lot of things and end up sorting out the Kashmir issue! Cricket Diplomacy zindabad!
P.S. Manmohan Singh sahab, what an idea sirji! Deflecting all your problems in one stroke! If India wins the WC, you might actually win the assembly polls! What is 2G, CWG, WikiLeaks in front of cricket?
This version by Sunil Rajguru

Some World Cup South Africanisms…

South African cricket team’s theme songs…
Dil to choke-ra hai ji!
Na na karte choke hum phir kar baithe…

The slogan…
Choke de South Africa!

National flower…

An art movie of their exploits…
Choker Bali

With South Africa, nothing is final. It’s only semi-final and quarter-final.

Hindi sayings…
Pata nahin ye kis janam ka badla choke-a raha hai
Koi chakke marta hai, koi chauke maarta hai to koi choke pe choke maarta hai.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Who will win the cricket world cup?

That depends on whether there is more money in winning or losing.
South Africa?
That depends on their sense of humour and their ability to crack a choke.
They just won the Ashes comprehensively. They don’t want the cup. They are already ready to retire.
If that happens then beleagured Manmohan Singh will be booted out and Sachin Tendulkar will be made the Prime Minister.
A fourth title in a row means that you can just scrap world cup 2015 to save everyone the agony and declare them permanent champions.
West Indies?
If someone hands Clive Lloyd and Viv Richards a bat maybe, they are already in India and seem to have all the answers.
This version by Sunil Rajguru

Desperate co-incidences for the believers…

India will win the 2011 cricket world cup because…

1. In 1983, Clive Lloyd was chasing his third world cup title as captain. That situation has repeated itself only in 2011 when Ricky Ponting is chasing his third title. Naturally, this time also India will play the spoiler.

2. The last time an Indian scored 175 against a minnow in a world cup (Kapil Dev 175*, Zimbabwe, 1983), we won the tournament.
This time Virender Sehwag scored 175 against Bangladesh.

3. Whenever captain MS Dhoni is about to win a global title, he effects a tie in the tournament. In the 2007 T20 WC, we tied against Pakistan. In the 2010 Champions League, Chennai Superkings tied against Victoria Bushrangers and won the title. In the 2011 WC, he has already tied a match against England.

4. For the first time ever, the final is in Mumbai. Mumbai is home to the great Sachin Tendulkar. And this is the last cup that Sachin will play. Looks like a divine setting and Sachin is God.

5. The Sub-continent Cycle Rule: From 1983-96, India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka won the title once each. From 1999-2007, India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka were runners-up once each. Now India will begin the new round of the victory cycle from 2011.

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

Those responsible for the current debacle of Indian cricket…

The BCCI: For only being interested in money, being distracted by the IPL fiasco and not giving the team enough time to prepare for the T20 World Cup.

The Selection Committee: For selecting the wrong team and going by past reputations only.

The Coach: For not setting the correct WC strategy and not pushing hard enough.

The Captain: For his on-field decisions.

The Trainer and Physio: For not succeeding in keeping a fit team.

The Players Themselves: For not being fit, not fielding properly and not being 100% committed.

The IPL: For introducing fatigue.

Australia, Lanka and Windies: For playing better cricket than India and beating them.

The West Indies Board: For not making flat pitches.

Fortune: For not shining on India.

The Media: For going after the players, distracting them, not giving them support and demoralizing them.

The Fans: For having unrealistic expectations in the first place.

Itna sab galat hain!
And you actually thought that India was going to win the World Cup?

© Sunil Rajguru