10 things that may happen to us after we die…

1. Our memories and thoughts float for eternity in a void.

We live our life and collect memories, thoughts and dreams. When we die, everything perishes save these. In the void, we keep thinking, imagining, dreaming… till eternity.
Methinks… This is the earliest belief I had as a small child and it still sticks with me till this very day.

2. Each of us becomes a star.

I read in the foreword of a book by Arthur C Clarke that scientists had discovered about 100 billion stars. And 100 billion people have walked the Earth so far. That means there’s a star for every person who dies. Maybe that’s what happens to us. When we die, we become a star, mighty and big and full of energy, with the power of sustaining worlds. Grand isn’t it?
Methinks… If this is true, then I’d like to meet the dude who was once our Sun.

3. Don’t take yourself too seriously; you are merely part of a computer program for some higher entity.

This has been thought of in some form or the other in notably the The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and the Matrix series. We are all merely tiny cogs in a giant wheel of which none of us understand or will ever understand. What happens when a part perishes? Nothing. It just ceases to exist and is replaced by another part. You and I are merely “replaceable parts” my friend!
Methinks… This one is good. Enjoy this life while it lasts and don’t think of life after death.

4. Hello! Where are you? We are already dead!

This one was thought up by writers centuries back. We were part of a glorious existence before this life and we all messed up big time! That’s why we are here on Earth, which is actually the Hell of the previous world. We are doomed to be here in some form or other till eternity.
Methinks… This one also makes sense. I first heard it when I was very small.

5. We all become ghosts.

We all become ghosts and wander on this Earth indefinitely. The world is full of the ghosts of all the people, animals and creatures who ever walked this Earth. Since ghosts are made of zero matter and occupy zero matter, they all occupy the same space as we do. They are mere observers or maybe have a world very much like that of Septimus Heap. So right now I (who am writing this blog) and you (who are reading it) are surrounded by thousands of ghosts.
Methinks… Yikes!!!

6. We all join with the Great Soul.

There was a Great Soul of which we were a part. After death we go back and rejoin it. (An old concept in Hinduism) We were all part of a collective consciousness before birth and will become part of it after death. It’s all interconnected. The Web of Life et alia.
Methinks… That guy/gal I can’t stand is actually part of something of which I am a part?

7. We simply get recycled.

What happens to a car when we stop using it? It goes to the scrap yard. Then it gets recycled. Who knows which piece ends up where? Ditto with us. Some part of our body becomes the soil, the air, some animal… Our memories and thoughts get spread out too and become part of the consciousness of Mother Earth.
Methinks… It would be nice to travel simultaneously to many parts of the world in this manner.

8. Nothing.

That’s right. Nothing happens. We just cease to exist. There is no soul. Just as our body perishes, so does our mind, along with its memories, thoughts and desires. Like the last scene of the Terminator in the Terminator movie. Switch off. Blank.
Methinks… I am meeting a childhood friend today after many years who believed in this. Wonder what he thinks now.

9. Re-incarnation.

Re-incarnation Type A: You keep getting re-incarnated as a human being again and again and again maybe till the end of the world.

Re-incarnation Type B: You are a lower life form. Then you get re-incarnated into a higher and higher form, till you finally become a human. You’re one step away from God. (An old concept in Hinduism)

Re-incarnation Type C: Earth is just one in billions and billions of existences. You keep getting re-incarnated in all of them endlessly.

Methinks… It’s getting all too complicated for me.

10. Heaven. Hell. Judgment Day.

This is the oldest of the lot. You live a life on Earth. You do good deeds and bad deeds. Then you are judged on the basis of that and spend an eternity in heaven or hell (or purgatory).
Methinks… This is the least of all I believe in. Think over it. I don’t know about God’s timescale, but this universe will go on for billions of years. Imagine doing something for a few billion years based on something which you’ve done for 60-70 years. Sounds like an exam paper, very unGodlike. Then what about poor souls who died as babies. Then what are the rules of karma etc etc. Sounds like very complicated mathematics.

Then of course, there are many many more things which may happen to us which we can’t even begin to comprehend…

© Sunil Rajguru

Sit still… you’re making me dizzy!

My son hates sitting and watching TV. No, it’s not what you think. He likes TV, but he hates sitting. Even if you tied him up on the sofa, he’d probably break free like Houdini. This is how he watches TV: He dances and waves his arms, running from one end of the room to another, eyes firmly glued to the TV. No matter how far or near he is; there’s an invisible thread running from his eyes to the TV screen.

Then there’s the beanbag. He keeps it in front of the TV and uses it as a Drop Zone: Jumping and falling on it non-stop. (Even his small friends have perfected that art) The beanbag has been repaired endless times. If it had any legs and life, it would have run away long ago. The rectangle in front of the TV is an irresistible playground that gets activated once you put on the idiot box.

Now all this makes my poor wife quite dizzy, especially the Hopping Maneouvre. That’s when he does a hopping marathon all over the room, till my wife can take it no more. So it would be apt to say that my son loves playing and watching TV. I should do a YouTube commercial “Walk when you watch” (TV) much like the “Walk when you talk” campaign.

While all this is fine (at least he’s not a couch potato, but a Jumping Potato), I dreaded the thought of taking him to the movie hall. How would he sit in one place for hours on end? Wouldn’t he get quite fidgety? In his fifth year of existence on this Earth, I decided to brave it and take him, just father and son. I was pretty apprehensive, I must say. All my life when I watched movies in halls, I was the first person to glare at parents of noisy/crying children and even indicate that they leave the hall if they couldn’t shut them up. Here was my bad karma ready to do a rebound and come down on me like a ton of bricks.

I failed to convince my son how watching an animation movie on a big screen was better than TV, but he agreed to come along as the multiplex was housed in his favorite mall. At the entrance to the hall, he asked me, “Do we really have to go in?” I’ve never seen a kid that less interested. Once inside he looked around and said, “So this is it, eh? Why is this place so dark and gloomy?” He then proceeded to run and slide all over the place. I lost my breath as I tried to keep up with him. (I don’t know why I bother)

“People will protest. They’ll kick us out of this place.”

“You always say that, but no-one ever says anything.”

I grabbed hold of his hand and said, “Time to go in.”

“Do we really have to go in?” he repeated.

Once inside he said, “This place is even darker and gloomier.” He then proceeded to run up and down the giant steps. This time, I exercised my will power and ignored him. When the movie finally started, I grabbed hold him and made him sit next to me. It lasted for maybe a minute. He was off again. I whispered loudly at him and stopped as a few people glared angrily at me. I watched helplessly as he started arranging the fallen head cloths of all the empty seats (and there were many of them!). No one seemed to notice or mind as he went past them in his marathon arranging expedition all the while saying loudly, “What a cinema hall! Nothing is in its right place.” (His grandmother’s strict fussiness for cleanliness and order fully coming to the fore)

I decided to brave it again and dragged him next to me. This time I succeeded for almost 5 seconds. He saw that one of the exits had been chained and locked. He ran to it, grabbed hold of them and started screaming at the top of his voice, “Let me out! Let me out!” This would have been a very cute scene at home and a heart-rending scene in a tragedy movie, but here, I was sure that we would be thrown out. Funnily the guard didn’t bat an eyelid and everyone else continued watching the movie in ignorant bliss. I hadn’t been to a hall for a couple of years. Had things changed? Were people more tolerant nowadays?

Then Praise the Lord! He finally decided to sit next to me. And I soon regretted it. It was “A question a second time”. While I still manage to handle his questions, the problem is that they would begin with a shrill and loud “Papa!” (Reminded me of the time when he did the only solo act of his Montessori class on a stage. He tapped the mike and found it to be off and screamed “Papa! The mike isn’t working!” just as it was put on!) And this time people did start staring at us, but more out of amusement than anger. When I felt that my head was about to explode, I whispered threats in his ear. He kept quiet but had an amused look on his face.

I guess he went to his next plan and started laughing at the top of his voice at every dialogue. He laughed and laughed and laughed and soon I couldn’t hear a single dialogue. Imagine a large dark cinema hall with everyone sitting in pin drop silence and one solitary child in the centre erupting in shrill laughter during a serious scene. The cringing father sitting next to him is me… (And still no-one threw us out)

Luckily it was interval time. I told him firmly that we were going home thanks to his behaviour. He looked at me condescendingly and said, “I never wanted to come here in the first place. You dragged me!”

When later his grandmother asked him how the movie was he said, “The bathrooms were nice bright and airy.” (The only thing he liked about the whole (mis)adventure)

***

After that I stopped taking him to movie halls, but my wife took up the challenge. Thank God he’s not indifferent now: He gets totally immersed in the plot. He watched open-eyed and open-mouthed Hrithik Roshan’s antics in Dhoom 2, wailed like if he was attending a funeral at Shah Rukh Khan’s death in Om Shanti Om and his shrill laughter still pervades the atmosphere of the hall when there’s a comic scene. The questions come loudly and frequently. He still takes off unexpectedly every now and then in the middle of a scene: Once a Jumping Potato, always a Jumping Potato.

Things weren’t any different when I took him to the planetarium. This time the man sitting next to him kept staring at us. Every question got a stare and I finally whispered to my son, “Keep quiet. See, you are disturbing that poor man there.”

The man leaned towards me and said, “Let him ask questions no! They are very interesting! Even I am enjoying them!”

Another round went to my son and I felt as if I had just lost the right to ask him to Shut Up at any hall for life.

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Tongue Twisters

The fixth fick fheik’f fixth fheep’f fick.

Seeing Sharm el-Sheikh’s sellout saga seriously shell-shocked some short-sighted security experts.

A crabby drab barb on Pranab’s garb grabbed crabby scrappy Pranav.

WADA Drama WADA Drama WADA Drama WADA Drama…

Asking Aussie’s Ashes Assurance.

Risking Delhi airport’s six fixed mist lists.

Six sick swine sickened six slick shaking skaters.

A swiss swine swayed on a wine glass with a swine sign as a far-flung fluttering flu-hit fowl flew fleetingly.

How much paisa would a politican pilfer, if a politican could pilfer paisa? A politician would pilfer as much paisa as a politician could pilfer, if a politician could pilfer paisa.

Rocking Rakhi’s Swayamwar swayed several severe swearing sweltering seriously shocked viewers.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

When Swine Flu hit Fairy Tale Land…

· The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and couldn’t blow down the brick house. But the wolf had swine flu and transmitted it to the three Little Pigs, who all succumbed to the disease. The wolf had medical insurance, so he lived to trouble more swine…

· Little Red Riding Hood got suspicious. “Ummm Grandma, did I tell you the doctor diagnosed me with swine flu!” Even before she completed the word “flu”, the wolf had run away. Some very quick thinking saved Little Red Riding Hood…

· He kissed Sleeping Beauty and she was awoken from her trance. But on their way home both of them fell ill and died. The Prince in his travels far and wide had contracted swine flu. He gave it to Sleeping Beauty during the kiss and they both succumbed to the illness. And that was true love, for true love is death. Today a Swine Flu Sleeping Beauty Memorial lies at that very spot…

· This time Alice just couldn’t go through the Looking Glass. She kept banging against it. Bruised and black she tried one last time when the Looking Glass started beeping. “Swine Flu Alert. Swine Flu Alert!” This was very powerful magic indeed and Alice rushed to the doctor…

· “I’ve got Swine Flu!” cried the boy and chased everyone away. He fooled everyone the second and third time too. Then when the doctor actually diagnosed him with swine flu, nobody believed him. One boy snatched his facemask and everyone else surrounded him and started making fun of him. The whole village caught swine flu from the boy and died of it…

· When Rip Van Winkle got up, he found that there was a major global alert for swine flu. So he decided to sleep for another 20 years…

· When the princess was about to kiss him, she sneezed. The frog jumped from her hand into the pond. Better to be an alive frog than a dead prince!

· “Who’s been sneezing in my porridge,” cried Little Bear. At this Mamma Bear and Papa Bear rushed to wear their stock of facemasks. Then they searched the house and found Goldilocks and promptly threw her out, proceeding to sanitize the house after that…

· Sneezy was banished from the house and they were called Snow White and the Six Dwarves henceforth…

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

Thak Thak Chutkule

(Knock Knock Jokes in Hindi)

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
China.
China kaun?
Chai na pilaya Beijing ne, bus pani hi pilate rahate hain, pani.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Hambani.
Hambani kaun?
Hum bhai nahin rahe, dushmano ki tarah lad rahe hain.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Shah Rukh.
Shah Rukh kaun?
“Shah Rukh Kaun” uska naam ho jayega agar jaldi hit nahin diya aur controversies se bahar nahin aaya to.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
K… K… K… K…
K… K… K… K…kaun?
Arre aap bhi meri tarah haklate hain kya?

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Kambli.
Kambli kaun?
Arre kya sawal karte ho, BCCI ke aadmi ho kya?

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Sach.
Sach kaun?
Sach ka Samna kar sakte ho to andar aa jata hu.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Bhagwan.
Bhagwan kaun?
Arrre Bhagwan ko nahin jaante? Nastik ho kya?

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Andar.
Andar kaun?
Arre muje kya maloom. Main to bahar hu. Aap ko maloom hona chahiye andar kaun hain.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Ghanti.
Ghanti kaun.
Ghanti lagado bhaaya, to ye thak thak se bach jaayenge.

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
…..
Kaun hain bhaaya?
…..
Kaun hain bhaaya?
…..
(Koi nahin, bus hawa chal rahi thi)

Thak Thak!
Kaun hain bhaaya?
Bhaaya.
Bhaaya kaun?
Pata nahin bhaaya, tum hi bhaaya bhaaya karte rahate ho, bhaaya.

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock jokes 1

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
H 1 N 1 2
H 1 N 1 2 who?
H1N1 2 you.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Obama.
Obama who?
Obama self have I been handling the problems of America of late.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Swine Flu.
(Silence).
Swine Flu.
(Silence).
I said “Swine Flu”. Where is everybody?
(Everybody has just checked out of the building)

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Sarkozy.
Sarkozy who?
Sarkozy and Madam Cosy both, we are a fine thank you.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Rakhi.
Rakhi who?
Don’t “Rakhi Who” me yet, I’ll be back for Season 2 shortly!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Khan.
Khan who?
Khan you give me a hit? It seems ages since I had one.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Dhoni.
Dhoni who?
Dhoni you think it’s high time you left me alone?

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Mahatma Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi who?
That’s what I’ve been hearing since 1948.

(Another variant of the same joke…)

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Kambli.
Kambli who?
That’s what the BCCI has been saying for the decade or so.

© Sunil Rajguru