Hum sab bhrastachari hai…

Enough of anti-corruption talk. Even the corrupt need their private space…

Please sing to the tune of Hum sab Bharatiya hai and due respects and apologies to all NCC cadets as I have been one for many years in the past…

Hum sab bhrastachari hai,
Hum sab bhrastachari hai.

Apni manzil ek hai,
Ha ha ha ek hai,
Ho ho ho ek hai,
Hum sab bhrastachari hai.

2G ki spectrum rani hai,
Sartaj CWG hai,
Sadiyon se humne scams ko apne chhal se pala hai,
Desh ko lootne ki khatir hum har khatra utha lenge,
Hum har khatra utha lenge.

Bikhre bikhre scams hain,
Hum lekin jhilmil ek hai,
Ha ha ha ek hai,
Ho ho ho ek hai,
Hum sab bhrastachari hai.

Bade chhote neta bhi hain yahan,
Aur bureaucrats bhi hain yahan,
Black money ka paper trail hai kahin,
Aur hame pakadna nahin aasan!

Ek hi apna bhagwan hain, aur uska naam paisa hai,
Ek hi apna bhagwan hai, aur uske ke kai roop dekhe hain humne,
Lekin jagmag ek hai,
Ha ha ha ek hai,
Ho ho ho ek hai.

Hum sab bhrastachari hai,
Hum sab bhrastachari hai.

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Main bhi Anna, tu bhi Anna…

Uncle: Beta, tum bade hokar Gandhi banoge ya Nehru?
Beta: Par main to already Anna ban chuka hu!

According to the World Population Census, the fastest growing country in the world in the month of August was Nation Anna.

The April agitation was a first step towards the August agitation, which is the first step towards drafting a strong Lokpal Bill, which will be the first step in the long and tough battle against corruption… (First step or Last hope?)

© Sunil Rajguru

Anna Hazare “victory” musings…

Newton’s Third Law…
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Lokpal’s First Law…
Every Civil Society action has an equal and opposite Uncivil Government action.

If anything, Anna Hazare and Manmohan Singh must have become good penfriends by now.

What’s On? (August second half schedule)
AnnaTV, TVAnna, Anna Today, Anna Now, The Times of Anna, The Anna Times, The Anna Express, Anna News, Deccan Anna, The Anna, Live Anna…

Old saying…
There’s many a slip between the cup and the lip.
New saying…
There’s many a slip between the Lokpal Bill and Act.

Report card….
Quarter-finals: Lost, promoted on a technicality.
Semi-finals: Just won.
Finals: State of the Final Lokpal draft, result expected in 2012.
Now if India by any chance manages to win the finals, then that’s just a small first step in the battle against corruption…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Some Anna Hazarical definitions…

Annagiri: While largely seen as a peaceful and potent war on corruption by most, the Congress Dictionary defines it as a vile unconstitutional, undemocratic and heinous crime. The only reason no action can be taken is that the party does not have enough seats in Parliament to impose an Emergency.

Phenomannan: The inexplicable catharsis of a nation and outpouring of anti-corruption sentiments on a scale unheard of before.

Sibalism: A political system dealing with how to defeat your opponent with press conferences, lies, rhetoric, logic, bluster and brute force topped with loads of anger. Basically a defeatist concept.

Tiwarism: A more potent form Sibalism.

The Manmohanomical Theory: Basically states that Harry Potter is a fictional character. A magic wand is a fictional object. Therefore corruption cannot be eradicated in one’s lifetime. (Come to think of it, even Harry Potter didn’t have a powerful anti-corruption spell, or was it Avada KorruptaNada?)

The Opposition: Basically like Harry Potter was a fictional character in 2011 till Anna Hazare stepped in to fill the vacuum.

Soniagiri: Absence makes the heart go fonder for the common Congress voter.

Rahulgiri: A milder version of Soniagiri.

Hazarian Simplicity: A more stronger form of Gandhian simplicity. For the Mahatama had a family and Anna doesn’t. The Mahatma had a sprawling ashram and Anna sleeps in a temple.

Attack of the Clones: Thousands of agitators wearing “Main bhi Anna” topis, enough to give any evil empire sleepless nights.

War on Corruption: Launched in India in 2011. Has been likened to George Bush’s War on Terrorism: If you are not with us, then you are against us.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Musings from Oval…

Right now there is a bargain sale going on in international cricket…
Ten Indian wickets are available for the price of one English wicket.

Series report…
England thrashes Rahul Dravid 4-0. The rest of the team for some mysterious reason just failed to show up.

The English cricketers now love Indian food.
They’ve been having the Indians for lunch and tea for quite some time now.

What’s the opposite of: As fit as a fiddle?
As unfit as an Indian cricketer.

The BCCI’s solution will be probably to have many many more international matches per year.
That way the number of matches won annually may remember the same.

Maybe God was too busy watching Anna Hazare and just forgot about the Indian cricket team…

(Reference: India-England cricket Test match at Oval from August 18-22)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Today’s Anna Hazare musings…

Jab Hazare jail ke andar jaate hain to hazaro jail ke bahar hote hain, lakhon sadako par utar aate hai aur crore-o ke ummeede jaag jaate hai…

Is it Shivaji? Is it Gandhiji? Is it JP?
No! It’s AnnaMan!

Yesterday: Aakhir tum bhi insaan ho aur hum bhi insaan hai.
Today: Aakhir tum bhi Anna ho aur hum bhi Anna hai.

Will Shankar come out with a new revised but peaceful anti-corruption film called Annayian? Hordes of people wearing “Main bhi Anna” caps can have shades of the Robot army…

Sometimes when I watch TV it looks like Anna Skywalker is single-handedly taking on the Evil Empire. Or is he more like Yoda? (“No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.”)

Advani has already added to the “Main bhi Anna” campaign with his own “Main bhi Pradhan Mantri (ban sakta hu)” campaign.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Yet More Anna Hazare Musings…

Slogan for the current agitation…
Beware governments, Big Brother (Anna) is watching you!

Nowadays the ABC of News is just: Anna, Bollywood & Cricket

Overheard…
Congress leader: Come here fast, it’s an emergency!
Wife: What!
Congress leader: No, that’s not what I meant!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

More Anna Hazare Musings…

Yesterday: Bharat main bhrasht log masti se khana kha rahe hain, aur kitne log bhookhe hai!
Today: Tihar Jail main Kalmadi-Raja kha rahe hai, aur Anna sahab bhookhe hai.

Overheard…
One Congress party worker to another: What to do, there is total Annarchy in the land and all our political leaders have failed in their political Annalysis!

Theater of the Absurd…
To express solidarity with their party, the Congress Canteen has banned mosaranna (curd rice); the Congress Library has banned Anna Karenina and the Congress Cashiers have banned aathanna (50 paise) coins!

The sequels…
Sonia Gandhi is projected as Indira Gandhi II.
Rahul Gandhi will be projected as Rajiv Gandhi II.
Some people were trying to project Anna Hazare as Jayaprakash Narayan II, but the Congress have turned him into Mahatma Gandhi II.
The UPA is heading towards Emergency II.

Right now the toughest question of 2011 is: Who will get the Worst Congress Spokesperson of the Year Award?

At this rate, the State will have to impose Section 144 in the whole country.

Government to Anna: Listen to us or go back to your land of birth and agitate there!
Me to Government: By that logic: I was born next to Race Course Road in New Delhi, so can I go and agitate there?

© Sunil Rajguru

The Fast Politics terminology…

Ever since Anna Hazare has threatened to do an anshan (fast, more accurately “hunger strike”) things have changed so much that a brand new “Fast” terminology is required…

Fast: The first step towards committing suicide. And since the State loves you so much and doesn’t want you to die, you will be dumped in jail with other people who have much lesser crimes like swindling the nation of Rs 1.76 lakh crore.

Fast Food: Doesn’t exist, since when Anna does a fast, he really doesn’t eat.

Fastophobia: The State’s irrational fear of fasts by which it behaves in a strange manner as seen by the weird statements coming out of the mouths of spokespersons who apparently have very little Oxygen in their brains brought about by fasting for long periods, since they get no time to eat due to all the non-stop press conferences to counter fast politics.

Fastspeak: An Orwellian form of doublespeak recently mastered by a party which remembers the Emergency era with acute fondness.

Fast Reactions: Silly reactions made in haste to counter the fast-changing situation brought about by fastophobia, as above.

Fast Politics: Politics brought about by one old man’s fast and millions of people protesting through the streets or fast changing statuses on social networking sites. In essence it means any government’s inability to deal with a fast moving situation.

Anna: The word for food in India. Now if Anna refuses to eat anna, the very concept is confusing enough to make the State’s head spin.

© Sunil Rajguru

A very short Tahrir-Tihar drama…

Scene 1: Somewhere in fascist India.

Anna: Hum yahan ek Tahrir Square type revolution layenge!
Sarkar: Pahale hum aapko squarely Tihar Jail main daalenge. Wahan chakki peeste (revolution karte) rahana!

Scene 2: Tihar Jail.

Anna: Aap yahan kis liye aaye hai?
Kalmadi: Corruption. Aur aap?
Anna: Anti-corruption.

Epilogue.
The Congress now believe in the Chinese higher philosophy of “Unity of Opposites”.
Tihar Jail will now have two wings. One will be called the Corruption Cell. The other will be called the Anti-corruption Cell.

Post Script.
So we finally get our own Tahrir Square, though it looks as big as India right now!

© Sunil Rajguru

Consolidated Anna Hazare musings…

∙ Anna to Congress: Jitni shaurat mujhe pachas saal main nahin mili, us-se bhi jyaada shaurat aapne mujhe pachas ghante main de di!

∙ Overheard…
One Indian cricket player to another: Thank god ye Anna-Congress war shuru hua hain, saare TV news channels hame bhool hi gaye!

The ABCD of name calling…
A Company: Anna Hazare & Co.
B Company: Baba Ramdev & Co.
C Company: Congress & Spokesmen.
D Company: Dawood & Co.

Ye solah aane sach hai ki ye chaar aane ki sarkar hai, ye sirf ek Anna ne sidh kar diya.

∙ On the eve of Independence Day, the Congress has declared Independence from Anna Hazare.

Jab bhi Anna Hazare fast pe jaate hai, Congress leader bhai logon ke pet main choohe daudne lagte hai.

© Sunil Rajguru

Independence Day correspondence…

Dear Government,
May I go on an indefinite fast in a public place to destablise your government?
Warm regards,
Anna

Dear Anna,
Of course you may not! Get out in three days.
Warm regards,
Police

Dear Manmohan,
Why are you silent? The police is giving me permission only for three days!
Warm regards,
Anna

Dear Anna,
What is this? A police state? Don’t bother me. Go ask the police!
Warm regards,
Manmohan

Dear Pratibha,
With BSY gone I am totally bored and have nothing to do and no one to write to. Kindly advise.
Warm regards,
Hansraj

Dear Hansraj,
I have just one word to say to you.
Sadanand.
Now get back to work!
Warm regards,
Pratibha

Dear Manmohan,
Chidambaram is getting on my nerves.
Warm regards,
Narendra

Dear Narendra,
As of now every UPA minister and spokesperson is getting on everyone’s nerves. What do you expect me to do? Just keep quiet like me and all your problems will vanish. Stop wasting your time with all these silly letters all of you!
Warm regards,
Manmohan

Dear Government,
I must say that you are really corrupt and dictatorial!
Warm regards,
Anna

Dear Anna,
Same to you! You are also corrupt and dictatorial.
Warm regards,
Government
P.S. Happy Independence Day! Please go and eat some yummy shrikhand puri on that day and after that just go to sleep, you old Marathi manoos!

© Sunil Rajguru