25 things (or less) Columns

7 reasons Indians are the most racist in the world
DailyO, February 5, 2016

7 reasons marriage will be dead in the 21st century
February 4, 2016, DailyO.in

7 reasons student politics should be banned in India
January 19, DailyO.in

Seven reasons to fear Lalu Prasad Yadav
November 12, 2015, Sify.com

8 #BlowToModi moments in 2015
November 9, 2015, Sify.com

10 things you didn’t know about beef bans
October 5, 2015, Sify.com

10 things about RTI Act that completes 10 years
October 5, 2015, Sify.com

Eight hits of Lal Bahadur Shastri
October 5, 2015, Sify.com

Seven cricketing pioneers in India
September 22, 2015, Sify.com

10 ways to define paid news…
September 4, 2015, Sify.com

Seven learnings from the Sri Lanka tour
September 2, 2015, Sify.com

10 reasons why we shouldn’t have talks with Pakistan…
August 24, 2015, Sify.com

Eight reasons why Indian cricket is doomed
July 22, 2015, Sify.com

10 Padma awardees deserving a Bharat Ratna
June 24, 2015, Sify.com

11 abysmal lows of the Aam Aadmi Party
May 12, 2015, Sify.com

9 ways in which Nehru was a bad pioneer…
April 13, 2015, Sify.com

5 reasons why you can’t ban online porn
August 6, 2015, Sify.com

10 reasons why Kalam was the coolest President
July 28, 2015, Sify.com

7 Indians with more than 7 international films
Sify.com, February 9, 2016

The 7 deadly sins of Indian journalism
OpIndia.com, February 9, 2016

Five duds of Kapil Sibal
March 24, 2015, Sify.com

6 things to note about the Nirbhaya documentary…
March 6, 2015, Sify.com

6 shortages plaguing the Congress
February 2, 2015, Sify.com

10 deadly Boko Haram attacks
January 13, 2015, Sify.com

8 last laughs of Subramanian Swamy…
January 13, 2015, Sify.com

7 global trends for India in 2014…
January 1, 2015, Sify.com

Columns of 2014

Columns till 2013…

My Kejriwal-AAP Columns (2012-14)

Arvind Kejriwal: The boy who was afraid
May 19, 2014, Sify.com

7 reasons why the AAP lost everywhere
May 19, 2014, Sify.com

AAP: Under siege from within
April 22, 2014, Sify.com

Leadership SWOT analysis: Arvind Kejriwal
March 24, 2014, Sify.com

10 priceless Kejriwal U-turns
March 20, 2014, Sify.com

AAP, the chargesheeted party
March 19, 2014, Sify.com

7 contradictions tearing the party AAPart
February 26, 2014, Sify.com

Seven things that went wrong for Arvind Kejriwal
February 15, 2014, Sify.com

7 reasons why AAP may yet return in Delhi
February 15, 2014, Sify.com

If this is AAP education, give me illiteracy!
21 January, 2014, Sify.com

Dharnas to anarchy: AAP’s gifts to Delhi
20 January, 2014, Sify.com

Six hurdles to AAP’s Mission 2014
15 January, 2014, Sify.com

Six things the AAP got right
14 January, 2014, Sify.com

AAP and the Communist Revolution of 2014!
13 January, 2014, Sify.com

Is Kejriwal Modi’s best friend?
13 January, 2014, Sify.com

8 reasons why the AAP is now An Aam Party
10 January, 2014, Sify.com

Seven myths about AAP’s Lok Sabha chances
09 January, 2014, Sify.com

Voila! AAP is exactly like all other parties!
08 January, 2014, Sify.com

7 myths about Arvind Kejriwal
31 December, 2013, Sify.com

Five lessons from Kejriwal’s stunning debut
09 December, 2013, Sify.com

AAP: Ruler, spoiler, kingmaker or self-destructor?
02 December, 2013, Sify.com

From new to incumbent: A brief look at our political parties
25 November, 2012

Busting holy cows, Kejriwal style
31 October, 2012

Arvind Kejriwal and the Right to Dream (Big)
19 October, 2012, Sify.com

Swamy and Kejriwal beat investigative journalists
17 October, 2012, Sify.com

25 things (or less) Columns (2014)

10 Smriti Irani controversies in 2014
December 22, 2014, Sify.com

9 #BlowToModi moments after he became PM
December 22, 2014, Sify.com

7 ways the Army has destroyed Pakistan…
December 22, 2014, Sify.com

Team India’s six cricketing conundrums since 2011
December 21, 2014, Sify.com

Eight humiliating Test resistances post 0-8 against India
December 19, 2014, Sify.com

Six hits of ISRO in 2014
December 16, 2014, Sify.com

Narendra Modi’s 10 hits of 2014…
December 15, 2014, Sify.com

Mo’ White and the 11 dwarves
November 19, 2014, Sify.com

Meet India’s four great dictators
November 15, 2014, Sify.com

5 bad ideas for Indian elections…
November 12, 2014, Sify.com

10 pieces of Vadra notoriety
November 3, 2014, Sify.com

7 mistakes of Uddhav Thackeray
October 21, 2014, Sify.com

7 points to note in the October elections…
October 20, 2014, Sify.com

10 controversies of Shashi Tharoor…
October 13, 2014, Sify.com

The Ten Wars of Pakistan on India
October 9, 2014, Sify.com

4 ways to compete better in foreign Tests…
August 21, 2014, Sify.com

4 myths about Team India
August 11, 2014, Sify.com

7 things you should know about the Bharat Ratna
July 31, 2014, Sify.com

Seven conflicts deadlier than Israel-Palestine
July 28, 2014, Sify.com

6 court cases involving the Sonia-Rahul duo
July 25, 2014, Sify.com

6 reasons why ISIS is a major global threat
June 25, 2014, Sify.com

6 reasons why BJP may grow even stronger
May 24, 2014, Sify.com

8 things you should know about India’s Left
May 23, 2014, Sify.com

5 ways people are still rubbishing Modi’s win
May 21, 2014, Sify.com

6 reasons why the Congress may be finished
May 17, 2014, Sify.com

Seven positives of general elections 2014
May 14, 2014, Sify.com

5 problems with the 2014 general elections…
May 11, 2014, Sify.com

Five reasons why Pappu will be a disastrous PM
April 26, 2014, Sify.com

5 things the Congress could have done differently…
April 29, 2014, Sify.com

5 possible reasons why Priyanka isn’t contesting
April 28, 2014, Sify.com

Six reasons for Nitish’s sudden collapse
April 22, 2014, Sify.com

Five reasons why opinion polls may be right in 2014
April 7, 2014, Sify.com

Six firsts if Modi becomes PM…
March 31, 2014, Sify.com

14 more gaffes, misses and failures of Sushilkumar Shinde
February 25, 2014, Sify.com

10 reasons why Manmohan is the worst PM ever…
February 23, 2014, Sify.com

Seven things that went wrong for Arvind Kejriwal
February 15, 2014, Sify.com

7 reasons why AAP may yet return in Delhi
February 15, 2014, Sify.com

Six ways Modi bypassed the ‘media’ to go ‘mainstream’
February 13, 2014, Sify.com

8 great Pappu nautankis
Rahul Gandhi and his dramatic symbolism
February 5, 2014, Sify.com

The 5 types of Narendra Modi haters
February 4, 2014, Sify.com

5 fallouts of the Pappu interview
…with Arnab Goswami
February 1, 2014, Sify.com

AAP’s 7 mistakes to cover one
The Somnath Bharti affair
15 January, 2014, Sify.com

Six hurdles to AAP’s Mission 2014
The Delhi scenario will not be repeated…
15 January, 2014, Sify.com

The five types of Narendra Modi supporters
Change seeker, Liberalization dude..
14 January, 2014, Sify.com

Six achievements of the UPA 2
Giving the devil its due…
14 January, 2014, Sify.com

Six things the AAP got right
Not the tariff reductions
14 January, 2014, Sify.com

8 reasons why the AAP is now An Aam Party
The similarities are striking…
10 January, 2014, Sify.com

Seven myths about AAP’s Lok Sabha chances
They are a hyped up party…
09 January, 2014, Sify.com

Seven things to learn from the Congress
They have mastered the art of ruling…
7 January, 2014, Sify.com

Columns till 2013…

10 reasons why Sonia Gandhi is the worst Congress President ever

So Congress President Sonia Gandhi has taken her party’s performance to the worst ever in the 2014 Lok Sabha polls. A measly 44 seats! Is the Congress finished? Is the dynasty over? We will know for sure in 2019.

If at all that happens, the full credit goes to Sonia. The writing was on the wall for ages, but now only has it all come crashing down.

A look at 10 of her worsts…

1. First “zero experience” President…

What was Sonia’s experience before she took over as party President? Was she a freedom fighter or leader of note? Was she a Chief Minister or Cabinet Minister? Was she a bureaucrat or a top professional in a particular field?
She wasn’t even an MP. The post of Congress President was one of the most illustrious in India and Sonia became the first person to occupy that post with absolutely no official experience or any kind of established leadership skills.

2. Indefinite rule as President…

Even stalwarts like Jawaharlal Nehru and Indira Gandhi did not occupy the post of Congress President indefinitely. It was a rotational post occupied by many prominent leaders of the party. But Sonia has held it continuously from 1998 to now. That’s more than 16 years and counting and this despite her leading the party to a record low of 44 Lok Sabha seats.
That’s autocratic and resembles the dictators of the world: Ruler for life.

3. Destroyed the office of the Prime Minister…

Even short-term PMs like VP Singh and HD Deve Gowda at least tried to take their own decisions. After 10 years, Manmohan Singh was reduced to a mere caricature.
He was seen as a spineless leader who couldn’t take decisions on his own. Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackeray was berated for introducing the concept of “remote control” in Maharashtra, but Sonia took it to the national level.

4. Most subservient second rung…

Nehru had a galaxy of leaders many who were better than him. The same was said of Indira when she took over. Rajiv Gandhi had players like VP Singh who later rebelled against him and became Prime Minister.
One must say that this is the most subservient of the lot. Manmohan was voiceless. Pranab Mukherjee was mainly Sonia’s fixer of problems and retired to India Presidency. Nobody has the guts to stand up to her or even her son Rahul Gandhi.

5. UPA2 the most corrupt government in history…

There is now no doubt left that UPA2 was the most corrupt Government in the history of Independent India. If Bofors was the mascot of the Rajiv regime, we are totally spoiled for choice this time.
2G, CWG, Coalgate, cash for votes, Adarsh, Choppergate, Tatra…
Now if Sonia is the most powerful person in India for the last 10 years, how in heaven’s name can she escape blame of this whole fiasco? Why isn’t the chairperson of the UPA responsible for the debacle that is UPA2?

6. More lucky than smart…

Think of Sonia from 1998-2004. She didn’t do a single thing right. She humiliated Sitaram Kesri, she failed to form the government and miscalculated the formation of the government by one vote. In 1999, she led the party to the then worst ever tally of 114 seats.
After Godhra, she attempted a soft Hindutva of herself in Gujarat and fell flat on her face. By 2004 she was a totally bankrupt leader. In 2004, the Congress won just 145 seats, which was not enough to complete 5 years in power.
It was only the fear of the BJP that has kept the Congress in power. The Left, the Trinamool, the DMK, the SP all have their differences with the Congress but have kept quiet. If you go by what Mulayam Singh Yadav says, then there only three letters that matter: C-B-I.
The credit for 2009 goes to Manmohan and Sonia stood exposed in the 2014 polls.

7. Populism destroyed India…

NREGA and Food Security Bill may be great if the economy is in a good shape, but not otherwise. All of Sonia’s schemes or Sonianomics involve getting votes in the short run and destroying the Indian economy in the long run.
Even attempts like the highly divisive Communal Bill would have threatened the secular fabric of India.

8. Created a parallel cabinet…

What was the National Advisory Council? It looked like something that was totally against the spirit of the Constitution. It was a power structure that paralleled the Cabinet of India. Through it, by claiming the post of Chairperson, Sonia derived all her official power, position and perks.

9. Not at all open to scrutiny…

For some totally unfathomable reason, the entire mainstream media prostrated itself in front of Sonia from 2004-14. This is strange for Nehru, Indira and Rajiv all faced a barrage of critical attacks in their lives.
But that ended up making Sonia all the more complacent and mediocre. Just because they didn’t criticize her doesn’t mean that there was nothing wrong with Sonia’s regime. On the contrary while regular criticism keeps leaders on their toes, non-stop flattery lulls leaders and that is why UPA2 was the most arrogant and corrupt government in Independent India’s history.

10. Robert Vadra’s name at airports…

I don’t know about you, but I was amazed whenever I’d pass by airport security and see Robert Vadra’s name there. I really felt like I was living in a banana republic.
Vadra is not even among the top one lakh senior government officials of India.
A Congress President putting her absolutely non-entity of a son-in-law’s name in the airport security all-clear list has to be an abysmal low.

© Sunil Rajguru

10 things that could happen if Narendra Modi became Prime Minister of India…

1. Every price rise, inflationary trend, national tragedy… would be prefixed with “In a blow to Modi…”

2. Every Government scheme would be prefixed with “Sonia unhappy as…” or “Advani disappointed as…” or Rahul angry as…”.

3. Some would be tempted to call him “Alleged Prime Minister”.

4. The media would announce that they are no longer government stooges but “proudly anti-establishment”.

5. The Ministry of External Affairs would hold Passport/Visa Help camps all over the country to help all those people who threatened to quit the country if Modi became PM.

6. The Modi Industry would seek FDI to keep afloat.

7. MPs would petition the Nobel Committee to revoke Barack Obama’s Peace Prize if he invited Modi to the US.

8. Critics would start counting the years in terms of AG (After Godhra).
For example…
Modi became PM of India in 12 AG.

9. His supporters would start calling him Mahatma Modi.
(Jab critics bina wajah ke use gira sakte ho, to fans bina wajah usko chadayenge kyun nahin?)

10. Alternatively, such scenarios could be also become common…
Anchor: And in a blow to Modi…
(Aide whispers into anchor’s ear: Sir no more Bharat Nirman ads. All Congress funding has dried up.
Anchor: Do you think BJP will do the same and oblige us?
Aide: Why not try it out?)
Anchor: And in a blow to Sonia…

© Sunil Rajguru

The 12 Fundamental Rights of Indian politicians…

1. Right to disrupt Parliament.

2. Right to bunk Parliament.

3. Right to be in Parliament despite being chargsheeted.

4. Right to rule even from jail.

5. Right to conflict of interests.

6. Right to nepotism.

7. Right to scams.

8. Right to arrogance.

9. Right to speaking total bakwaas 24X7.

10. Right to rule bureaucracy like royalty.

11. Right to totally forget the electorate between elections.

12. Right to Information.*
(*Right to “get” any information and not to “give” it)

© Sunil Rajguru

10 things you can do if UPA3 comes to power in 2014…

1. Emigrate.

2. Commit suicide.

3. Demand that the BJP be banned permanently to avoid any future false hopes.

4. Demand that Modi be exiled for the sake of future peace.

5. Declare democracy dead, call ourselves a monarchy and abolish General Elections.

6. Spend like crazy. Money will soon become worthless anyway. Enjoy your last days.

7. Call him Mahatma Pappu, the official Father of the Nation.

8. Start and watch only 24X7 Diggy Raja TV. Anything anyone else says is worthless anyway in this regime.

9. Put pictures of the dynasty in your house and worship them.

10. Do away with Bills, let everything be decided via Ordinance. Why waste time debating the inevitable?

© Sunil Rajguru

6 possible solutions to the Army Chief’s date of birth controversy…

The Army Chief and the government are in dispute over whether the General’s official date of birth is May 10, 1950 or May 10, 1951.

Some possible solutions…

1. The General be promoted to Field Marshall, thereby solving the problem of retirement and succession.

2. The two agree that the date of birth touch the half-way mark and be fixed at November 10, 1950. A perfect compromise!

3. The government work on a time machine. Even if the contraption is built after hundreds of years, it can first visit 1950 and 1951 to ascertain the truth, then come back to 2012 to pass on the information and go back to the future from where it came from.

4. The retirement ages of everyone in the Army be pushed ahead by a year. When the General retires in 2013, then the Chief’s retirement age can be pushed ahead by 1 year too. As it is the average retirement age in Europe has crossed 65 and we are way behind on that count.

5. Parliament passes a Constitutional Amendment saying that handwritten applications take precedence over matriculation certificates.

6. The UPA government resigns and calls for Lok Sabha elections. This is the last straw in their beleaguered plate.

These versions (With due respect to the respected armed forces) By Sunil Rajguru

4 reasons why Sachin has still not scored his Mahashatak…

So it’s been close to 250 days since Sachin Tendulkar scored his 99th international century, but the 100th (the Mahashatak) eludes him.

4 reasons why this could be happening…

1. The number of prayers that have reached God have crashed the Prayer Counter. It is unable to handle such a record number of prayers. Either that or the counter is such that the moment it receives 1 billion prayers for a single event, the counter sets back to zero.

2. After winning the World Cup final, Indian cricket is passing through an extraordinarily long  Rahukaalam. That’s why (less importantly) India got thrashed 0-4 in England and (more importantly) Sachin’s Mahashatak eludes him. The country’s top astrologers are calculating when this dark period will come to an end.

3. When Sachin got up in the morning his Facebook notification told him that it was World Kindness Day today. (It was actually set to Pacific Standard Time, which is time, which is 13.30 hours behind IST). He sub-consciously decided to be kind to the West Indies team. (And this is how they repaid him?)

4. The collective thoughts, aspirations worries, tensions and fears of millions and millions of Indian fans is warping the very spacetime around Sachin, thereby creating a disturbance in the force that will create the Mahashatak.

© Sunil Rajguru

5 things I miss about student life…

1. Irresponsibility: Mannu kee?
In school, there are no real responsibilities to think about. You just go about them like a robot. In college, though you’re on your own, it really doesn’t matter. Going late? No problem! No clean clothes to wear? No problem!
No bills to pay, no promises to keep and no miles to go before I sleep—just sleep!

2. Optimism: Hum honge kaamyaab…
In school, I wanted to be Prime Minister of India. When I pass out of college I’m going to be Bill Gates! Why not! Anything is possible! I can top the class this year. Or maybe next year! I can join IIT and IIM. I can launch a company bigger that Microsoft…
The world is my oyster, even if I’ve never eaten an oyster and haven’t the foggiest idea what an oyster looks like!

3. Equality: Just another brick in the wall
In school, everyone looks and acts just the same. In college, with the right attitude, anyone can be a cool dude. You can escape all class distinctions that appear much later in life when everyone seems to have no choice but to keep up with the Joneses.
School=Total Socialism.
Work=Total Capitalism.

4. Economy: Having not much money to spend in the first place
We could really make our money last. It was in short supply and optimized to the hilt.
I remember in school, the equation was…
One ten rupee note = One rice plate + One balcony ticket + One popcorn + One bus ride back home = One day spent like a king.

5. Total time waste: Kee pharak painde?
You can waste all the time in the world in college and still have enough time to waste some more. In contrast, while working, sometimes a minute wasted seems like a horrible tragedy of hours.
Theory of Ageing Relativity: Time passes slowly in childhood and speeds up when you grow up.

Bonus…
Bunking: So easy in college, but just try doing it regularly at work!
Parents: They have the headaches when you’re small and you inherit all of them with compound interest when you grow up.
Choices: In school, you have only once choice: To go to the next class. After passing out of college the poor unsuspecting soul is bombarded with choices of all shapes, sizes and types which continue throughout his or her life…

© Sunil Rajguru

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

7 possible theories behind the Osama story…

1. The Tere bin Laden Theory
Osama died years back anonymously. A US top official saw the Bollywood film Tere bin Laden and decided to stage-manage the death of a look-alike. That’s why the US forces simply stormed in, got time to do DNA test and dump his body in the ocean on the way back all in a matter of hours. Plot could possibly be used for a Hollywood Tere bin Laden.

2. The WillKat Wedding Theory
Obama gave the the Osama kill order on April 29. And yet Osama died only on May 2. What happened in between?
British intelligence got wind of it and Queen Elizabeth personally called Obama to postpone the capture as it would upstage the marriage of her grandson William with Kate.
Britain hasn’t been America’s best friend for nothing.

3. The Change of Leadership Theory
People within Al-Qaeda were fed up and wanted a total change of leadership and infusion of fresh blood and therefore ratted him out.

4. The Osama-Pak Fallout Theory
Pak had been housing Osama for years. A tiff over some minor issue led ISI to anonymously tip the CIA.
They later pretended to know nothing about it.

5. The I am Bored Theory
Tired of being locked indoors for 10 years, Osama cracked up and slipped out for a morning walk at 4am and was noticed by a neighbour who anonymously tipped off the ISI who anonymously tipped off the CIA.

6. The Law of Averages Theory
Osama’s security head kept him hidden for more than 3500 days.
Look what happened when he had a bad day!

7. The Dubious Dubya Theory
George W Bush got top secret info on where Osama was hiding in his second term.
He decided to use it for a rainy day in maybe his third term. Only, he forgot that he was not entitled for a third term and he forgot about the note.
Obama found a note in his drawer that said: “Open on April 14, 2011 before the re-election campaign”. The note had the coordinates for the house which has been housing Osama from 2005.
Lucky Obama!

This version by Sunil Rajguru

5 things required ASAP vis a vis Sachin Tendulkar…

The following things should be done immediately for World Peace, Fan Peace and Peace on TV channels…

1. Mr Manmohan Singh, please give Sachin the Bharat Ratna.
More Indians want this man to get it than all the supporters of all the Bharat Ratna awardees combined.

2. Mr Ajay Maken, begin your tenure in style.
Institute a “Sachin Tendulkar Maha Global Sportsman Award” and give Donald Bradman the first one posthumously.

3. Mr Shashank Manohar, may a foreign player be allowed to join IPL only after he has signed a statement stating Sachin is the greatest of all.
I doubt whether they read the fine print anyway, they just want the moolah!

4. Someone get hold of Pele, Federer and Woods… anyone and get them to make a statement that Sachin is the greatest sportsperson of all time.

5. There are tonnes of Indian billionaires.
Can’t one of them buy Sports Illustrated Magazine and do a cover story on how Sachin’s the greatest of all time?

© Sunil Rajguru