Indian presidential election snippets

Mulayam feels no mamata towards her anymore.
Mamata will no longer be mulayam towards him.
Sangma ke sang na majority.
It’s National. It’s Democratic. But it’s no longer an Alliance.
Janata Dal “United” no more.
Pranab ko Lal salaam, Kalam ko aakhri salaam.
Royal Bengal Tiger and Marathi Manoos Tiger bhai bhai.
Pranab bhai sahib ke sang Behenji aur Pawar power bhi.
As a sideshow, the Modification process has begun.
Bas Yuvraj hi Mr India ban ke raha gaye.
“President of Congress” Rulez “President of India” OK?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Facebook versus the offline world…

Offline: I wish for just one true friend!
Facebook: I wish for just 1000 Friends!

Offline: I wish someone would like me for once.
Facebook: I wish I could collect at least 10 likes per day.

Offline: Wow! Half-a-dozen people wished me on my birthday today!
Facebook: What? Only 30 Friends posted on my wall?

Offline: You scratch my back and I scratch yours.
Facebook: You Like my status and I Like yours!

Offline: I’m sad means I’m sad.
Facebook: I’m sad leads to 12 likes, 26 comments and loads of ego massaging.

Offline: I had butter toast for breakfast. (Ain’t I the only person who’s supposed to know that?)
Facebook: I had butter toast for breakfast. (There you go 1256 friends and maybe tens of thousands more if my privacy settings are lax!)

Offline: What’s on my mind? Hell even I don’t know!
Facebook: What’s on my mind? Here take a few 100 status messages!

Offline: It’s better to keep quiet than to open’s one mouth and look like a fool.
Facebook: Keep quiet? Then why the hell am I on Facebook in the first place? I’d rather look like a fool many times over.

Offline: Insomnia means hours of staring at the ceiling.
Facebook: Insomnia means hours of staring at the Wall.

Offline: Stalkers are rare and scary.
Facebook: We are all stalkers!

Offline: Plagiarism is bad.
Facebook: Plagiarism is par for the course!

Offline: Sorry I don’t have any time to fill out that questionnaire form.
Facebook: But I have time to fill hundreds of forms related to all those mundane quizzes.

Offline: My boasting puts people off.
Facebook: What fun virtual boasting is!

Offline: I love my parents!
Facebook: My parents better not exist on this social networking site!

Offline: I hate clicking photographs.
Facebook: I don’t think I’m putting up enough photographs.

Offline: I don’t have green fingers, my solitary potted plant died.
Facebook: Thanks to Farmville, I’m a green finger tycoon!

Offline: I always put my best foot forward.
Facebook: I always put my best mugshot forward.

Offline: I’m so full of hate.
Facebook: There is not Hate, but only Like.

Offline: Boori nazar wale tera muh kaala!
Facebook: Jitna jyaada nazar is taraf aaye, utna accha!

Offline: I couldn’t give a damn about anything in life!
Facebook: The number of causes I support is simply not funny!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian word meanings and their usage…

Mamata: Love and affection.
Usage: There is a surfeit of Mamata in the UPA nowadays.

Mulayam: Soft.
Usage: The Samajwadi Party suddenly went Mulayam towards the Congress in the Presidential race.

Manmohan: One who wins everybody’s heart.
Usage: Contradictorily, the Prime Minister is no manmohan even though Manmohan is the Prime Minister.

: An ideal.
Usage: The Indian Army believes fully in the concept of Adarsh.

Satyam: The Sanskrit word for truth.
Usage: IT in India always goes by the Satyam mantra.

Barkha: New season.
Usage: The Niira Radia tapes heralded a Barkha in Indian journalism.

Rashtra Mandal
: Commonwealth of nations.
Usage: The Rashtra Mandal Games was a showcase of the real India in more ways than one.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Random black money musings…

Jitna White Snow Switzerland main hain, utna Indian Black Money to zaroor hoga us desh main.

∙ The Indian politician’s…
Ad jingle: Khaaye ja, khaaye ja, corruption ke gun gaaye ja…
Money anthem: It don’t matter if you’re black or white.
Slogan: Black power!
Favourite book: Black Beauty.
Favourite film: Black.

∙ The country is in its elements…
Earth (Coalgate), Fire (KG Basin Oil Scam), Air (2G), Water (Belekeri port scam)

∙ Overheard…
Citizens: Bring back money from Switzerland.
Politicians’ families: Bring Black Money from Switzerland.

© Sunil Rajguru

May 2012 Status Updates

∙ Chennai Super Kings lost domestically.
Chennai Super King won internationally.
Vish Chess had more respect in India.

∙ Rebels: Tere baap ka party hai kya?
Naveen: With a name like “Biju” Janata Dal, what else do you expect?

(May 31)

∙ Irony: Mamata celebrating Bengali pride via Mumbai ownership (SRK) and Delhi leadership (Gambhir). (Tata and Sonia must be laughing)

(May 29)

∙ Anagram of “Dhoni” is “hi Don”. So here’s saying Hi to the new Don of IPL!

∙ White Skin and Black Money: The Indian Dream.

∙ The inflation increase from UPA1 to UPA2 is directly proportional to its increase in vote share.

(May 27)

There was this petrol hike (a real pain),
Of the middle class it was the bane,
It came once and again,
And again and again,
And again and again and again…

∙ The Congress is a sinking ship right now.
But listen to their warning to the common man:
Hum to doobenge sanam, par tumko bhi le doobenge.

(May 24)

∙ Lokpal status…
2011: Anna Movement.
2012: Anda (Zero) Movement.

∙ The answers to all the world’s problems seem to be present in the Facebook News Feed.

(May 21)

∙ Indian politicians targeting cartoonists is but natural.
All power centres eventually go after the direct competition.

∙ The CSK-IPL rule…
If CSK plays really badly in any given IPL, then only 3 other teams will be able to play better. The rest will crash for no apparent reason.

Mishti dohi: Famous sweet of West Bengal.
Dimaag ka dahi: When the mind goes kaput.
Maoisti Dohi: What Mamata’s brains have become.

∙ Anyone remember Didi’s Comedy Show on Doordarshan in the 1990s?
Well, it’s back in West Bengal 24X7.

(May 20)

∙ In Bangalore, it’s always raining. (Thanks to 2 monsoons)

In RCB, it’s always raining 6s. (1 Gayle monsoon is enough)

(May 17)

∙ Son to ND Tiwari: Tu jaanta nahin mera baap kaun hai?

Bakwaas 2G Shaayari…
Raja ki aa gayi hai baraat,
Honi thee yahi baat,
2G probe ki lag gayi vaat,
Bharat ke kuch aise hi halaat,
Sab neta logo ko maaro laat…

∙ The world economy has been hit by Greeced lightning.

∙ Mayawati has a greater ROI than Jaya.
Newspaper ads will be trash tomorrow, but Statues are forever.

(May 16)

∙ Tihar Jail ka Raja-yoga khatam ho gaya hai.

∙ India has achieved Six Sigma Rating in Corruption.
We have less than 3.4 convictions per million corruption cases.

∙ R.I.P. 2G Scam 2007-12.
Thanks for the seemingly 1.76 lakh crore media bytes, status messages, Tweets etc.

∙ The breaking news is actually that A Raja was sentenced to 15 months in a Rs 1.76 lakh crore corruption case and that sentence is now complete.

∙ First A Raja & All: Jail.
Then it’s inevitable: Bail.
Finally corruption case: Derail.
Indian system: Fail.

(May 15)

∙ On retrospect, the Lokpal sense of the house was nonsense. The government should be renamed Anna as they got their way like Big Brother.

∙ Aman ki Asha sounds like a love story with Aman as the boy and Asha as the girl.

(May 9)

∙ Congress to Pranabda…
You are too ripe for the government.
You are too raw for Prime Ministership.
But I think you’re just right for Rashtrapati Bhawan!

(May 4)

© Sunil Rajguru