Gandhi Pariwar ka naam badnaam na karo…

Kapil Sibal is still adamant about policing the Net even though such news is in the background.

Please sing to the tune of Ram Ka Naam Badnam Na Karo from the film Hare Rama Hare Krishna

Dekho O deewano tum ye kaam na karo,
Gandhi Pariwar ka naam badnaam na karo,
Jai Sonia ji aur Jai Rahul ji.

Sonia ko samjho, Rahul ko jaano,
Cyber-neend se jaago O mastano,
Jeet lo 2014 chunav ko pakadkar danda,
2012 hi haara to kya, hum chalayenge wahi purana funda,
Jeevan ko faltu criticism ka tum ghulam na karo,
Gandhi Pariwar ka naam badnaam na karo,
Jai Sonia ji aur Jai Rahul ji.

Sonia ne hanskar sab sukh tyaage,
Tum sab dukh se dar ke bhage,
Rahul ne karm ki reet sikhayee,
Tum ne farz se aankh churayee,
O Gandhi duhaayee,
Gandhi Pariwar ka naam badnaam na karo,
Jai Sonia ji aur Jai Rahul ji.

(Original Song: Ram Ka Naam Badnam Na Karo.
Film: Hare Rama Hare Krishna.
Year: 1971.)

This Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

The amazing Raja-Sibal jugalbandi…

∙ God created air.
The ICT industry invented the mobile.
Raja pulled Rs 1.76 lakh crore out of thin air via the mobile market.

∙ Houdini made things vanish.
Goebbels mastered propaganda.
Sibal used propaganda to make the Rs 1.76 lakh crore vanish.

∙ BJP created a telecom policy.
Raja created a telecom scam.
Since the term “telecom scam” begins with telecom, it all started with the BJP.

∙ Lessons for corporate India…
Manager created mega scam.
CEO sacked manager.
CEO is 100% clean by virtue of the “Manmohan Principle”.

∙ The corrupt politician’s slogans…
Tum mujhe ghoos do, main tumhe license doonga.
Black money is my birthright and I shall have it.
The common man’s counter-slogans…
One de Maar-tamacha.
Inquilab Jootabad.

© Sunil Rajguru

The Five Sibalistic laws

Law 1: If you are given a kickback figure, then just put the mirror negative in front of it and it will become zero loss.
For example, CAG: +1.76 lakh crore.
Counter: -1.76 lakh crore.
Net result: Zero.
Science used: Mathematics.

Law 2: If a court pulls up an office, then only the office has been pulled up, not the head of the office.

For example, if the court pulls up the PMO, then the PM is squeaky clean.
Science: Logic.

Law 3: If a court pulls up a government policy, then the policy is at fault, not the government. Hate the crime, not the criminal.
For example, if the UPA Telecom policy is pulled up, then the UPA is not at fault.
Science: Logic again.

Law 4: Every cause has an effect.
For example, Effect: UPA 2G scam. Cause: BJP Telecom Policy.
Science: Philosophy.

Law 5: The Congress Party is the custodian of India. Any criticism is blasphemy.
For example, Even giants like Google and Facebook may be banned if they defy this law.
Science: Information Technology.

© Sunil Rajguru

Some more UPA musings…

UPA1: Left left.
UPA2: Mamatata?

The Perfect Sibal Society
The NDA found a lot of things offensive.
The UPA finds even more things offensive.
Diggy Raja finds the very existence of RSS & Anna offensive.
The minorities may find this offensive and the majority may find that offensive.
I find you offensive and you find me offensive.
Let’s go ahead and remove everything that anyone finds remotely offensive and very soon Cyberspace will become Emptyspace (or let’s call it Sibalspace or is it actually Emptyspace between his ears?)

What a fighter!
You are fighting the CPM?
Yes, we are fighting Left…
You are fighting the BJP & RSS too?
Yes, we are fighting Left, Right…
And you are fighting your own cabinet, bureaucrats, Army chief and even your own allies?
Yes, we are fighting Left, Right and Centre.

© Sunil Rajguru

Where are we without the Internet?

∙ When are you submitting your paper/essay/article/column/backrounder?
Please give me a 24-hour extension, Wikipedia is off today!

∙ If the Government bans Google…
…will industries like the media and academia come crashing down?

∙ If the Government bans Facebook…
…will a few million people in India feel empty, lifeless and go into depression?
Without social networking, will we become more anti-social?

∙ If the access to the Internet is cut off…
…will we feel badly stuck in the sticky web of the offline world?

© Sunil Rajguru

Measuring the United Progression of Audio (UPA)

So much noise pollution is taking place thanks to that irrepressible group of people that call themselves the Congress spokespersons, that a brand new science called the United Progression of Audio (UPA) is being studied.

The scales…

Decibel (dB) = Unit of sound.

130dB = Threshold of pain.

194dB = Theoretical limit for undistorted sound.

Beyond that is the severely distorted UPA universe.

200db = 1 Sibal

10 Sibals (1 DeSibal) = 1 Singhvi.

10 Singhvis = 1 Renuka.

10 Renukas = 1 Aiyar.

10 Aiyars = 1 Tiwari.

10 Tiwaris = 1 Narayanaswamy.

10 Narayanaswamys = 1 DiggyRaja.

It is very difficult to go above the DiggyRaja Scale, for not only does the sound go for a toss at that level, but the very reality becomes distorted. TV waves have proved to be a perfect medium for carrying that type of reality distorted sound.

Some UPA statistics…

∙ On the day when all these spokespersons speak in unison, the resulting supersonic boom travels all around the world seven times. It has been known to disturb the flight paths of many poor unsuspecting migrating birds.

∙ In 2011, the noise pollution levels in the country rose by 32,237%.

∙ Many common citizens have complained of severe hearing problems thanks to all these high levels of distorted sound.

∙ Others have also complained of severe eye problems as they simply can’t believe the reality that they are seeing. (At the DiggyRaja scale, hallucinations have been known to occur).

∙ Psychiatrists have noted a rise in trauma thanks to people watching too much TV news channels.

∙ In its annual survey, The Global Politeness Institution has ranked India the fourth rudest country in the world at the end of 2011 as against its position of 154 at the end of 2010.

© Sunil Rajguru

UPA government musings…

This is a Roti (vote-catching expensive Food Security Bill), Kapda (itna corruption hua hain ki badan pe kapde bache hi nahin hain) aur Makaan (Adarsh housing scam) government.
(Aur Bandwidth? 2G main hi atka hain abhi bhi!)

∙ UPA1: Nuke Deal.
UPA2: Nuked deals.

∙ Q: What is IT?
Kapil Sibal: Indira Technology.
Q: Matlab?
Sibal: Is desh ko Emergency ki zaroorat hai!

∙ A comes before B.
Umpteen Amendments before the actual Bill!
Wah re Lokpal!

© Sunil Rajguru

A very “balanced” government…

A Raja: +Rs 1.76 lakh crore.
Kapil Sibal: -Rs 1.76 lakh crore.

Congress Spokespersons: Speak so much gas that they are a serious threat to global warming.
Congress High Command: Speak so less that if they actually lost their voices, then the nation wouldn’t notice for 10 odd years.

Baba Ramdev was handled with Physical Violence.
Anna Hazare was handled with Verbal Violence.

Manmohan Singh is the Picture of Sanity.
Diggy Raja is the Picture of Insanity.

Kapil Sibal as Education Minister ultimately Virtually achieved nothing.
As IT Minister, he tried to Educate the Virtual World.

Pranab Mukherjee is the No. 1 Trouble shooter.
The rest of the Cabinet are No. 1 Trouble Creators.

Rahul Gandhi is invisible in the Lok Sabha.
He’s Ultra-Visible in Uttar Pradesh.

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 15

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Pre-screen.
Pre-screen who?
Pre-screen you and your head first, Mr Minister!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
An’ now to Stage 3 of my agitation!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Black money.
Black money who?
Black many accounts yes, but back money to India, no!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

C for Cyberspace, but C for Censorship?

(The world’s largest democracy wants to regulate the world’s largest democratic medium…)

Kapil Sibal sahab: Whether it’s someone like you or someone like me,
Whether it’s grand Madam Sonia or the beleaguered Narendra Modi,

Whether you’re a bigot or trying to make your point pretty fairly,
Whether you’re pretty famous or just a piece of anonymity,

Once you get into cyberspace and make any opinion “simply”,
Get ready to be attacked and get it from all sides equally,

If a newspaper becomes trash the next day, in cyberspace it’s gone in an hour,
(Unless you keep digging it out of the grave over some perverse sense of honour),

Just take the criticism and move on, the Net won’t cut you any slack,
Otherwise just get out of cyberspace and don’t look back.

© Sunil Rajguru

Grand achievements of the Union Cabinet of Ministers…

Manmohan Singh: I nearly Nuked the government once and almost did it again with the Foreign (DI) Hand.

P Chidambaram: I converted the Ministry into “Home” operations for the party.

Pranab Mukherjee: I brought about tremendous Financial growth in inflation and hikes.

Kapil Sibal: I mastered Miscommunication and Misinformation and turned politics into a “legal” Technology.

A Raja: I converted Telecom into Telecon and pulled Rs 1.76 lakh crore magically out of thin air (spectrum).

Abhishek Manu Singhvi: I single-handedly converted the Lokpal into a Netapal.

Praful Patel: I laid the seeds of Aviation becoming less Civil.

S Jaipal Reddy: Thanks to me, Petroleum is full of Gas.

Ambika Soni: I Broadcast Misinformation.

MK Azhagiri: I Fertilized the DMK.

Suresh Kalmadi: I showed how any Common Wealth could be turned into a financial Game for any politician.

Sharad Pawar: I made sure that all political Food was Consumed by the UPA and facilitated for political and private (non-Public) Distribution.

© Sunil Rajguru

What Kapil Sibal said and didn’t say…

Said: We believe that you have the right to say whatever you want…
Unsaid: …as long as it agrees with us.

Said: We do not believe in censorship, but pre-screening.
Unsaid: How about a compulsory Anti-Offensive Software for every computer? Think of the effectiveness! Think of the revenue for such a project! Think of the kickbacks!

Said: I will defend your right to freedom of speech till the very end.
Unsaid: Till your end at least!

Said: Look at these photos. Aren’t they offensive? (At the press conference)
Unsaid: A voracious Facebooker like me hadn’t even seen these photos! Now thanks to you, millions are exchanging the same on the Internet all over the world.

Said: We asked the Internet companies to come out with a mechanism in four long weeks.
Unsaid: Even though the Lokpal Bill has been hanging fire with us politicos for four short decades.

Said: We asked them to give it in writing!
Unsaid: Even though our written “sense of the house” had absolutely no bearing on the Lokpal Bill.

Said: We will come out with the guidelines soon.
Unsaid: I have seen what problems this silly move has created and as usual we are going to make the problem so big that we will be forced to beat a hasty retreat.

© Sunil Rajguru