If Manmohan did a Churchill…

We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in Cyberspace, we shall fight with the national and global media, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in censorship, we shall defend our arrogance, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight with Time magazine, we shall fight with the Washington Post, we shall fight with Facebook and with Twitter, we shall fight all the blogs; we shall never surrender…
—Manmohan Singh, for UPA2.

We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender…
—Winston Churchill, for World War 2.

Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Gandhi Pariwar ka naam badnaam na karo…

Kapil Sibal is still adamant about policing the Net even though such news is in the background.

Please sing to the tune of Ram Ka Naam Badnam Na Karo from the film Hare Rama Hare Krishna

Dekho O deewano tum ye kaam na karo,
Gandhi Pariwar ka naam badnaam na karo,
Jai Sonia ji aur Jai Rahul ji.

Sonia ko samjho, Rahul ko jaano,
Cyber-neend se jaago O mastano,
Jeet lo 2014 chunav ko pakadkar danda,
2012 hi haara to kya, hum chalayenge wahi purana funda,
Jeevan ko faltu criticism ka tum ghulam na karo,
Gandhi Pariwar ka naam badnaam na karo,
Jai Sonia ji aur Jai Rahul ji.

Sonia ne hanskar sab sukh tyaage,
Tum sab dukh se dar ke bhage,
Rahul ne karm ki reet sikhayee,
Tum ne farz se aankh churayee,
O Gandhi duhaayee,
Gandhi Pariwar ka naam badnaam na karo,
Jai Sonia ji aur Jai Rahul ji.

(Original Song: Ram Ka Naam Badnam Na Karo.
Film: Hare Rama Hare Krishna.
Year: 1971.)

This Spoof By Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Knock Knock Jokes 15

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Pre-screen who?
Pre-screen you and your head first, Mr Minister!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Anna who?
An’ now to Stage 3 of my agitation!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Black money.
Black money who?
Black many accounts yes, but back money to India, no!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

C for Cyberspace, but C for Censorship?

(The world’s largest democracy wants to regulate the world’s largest democratic medium…)

Kapil Sibal sahab: Whether it’s someone like you or someone like me,
Whether it’s grand Madam Sonia or the beleaguered Narendra Modi,

Whether you’re a bigot or trying to make your point pretty fairly,
Whether you’re pretty famous or just a piece of anonymity,

Once you get into cyberspace and make any opinion “simply”,
Get ready to be attacked and get it from all sides equally,

If a newspaper becomes trash the next day, in cyberspace it’s gone in an hour,
(Unless you keep digging it out of the grave over some perverse sense of honour),

Just take the criticism and move on, the Net won’t cut you any slack,
Otherwise just get out of cyberspace and don’t look back.

© Sunil Rajguru

What Kapil Sibal said and didn’t say…

Said: We believe that you have the right to say whatever you want…
Unsaid: …as long as it agrees with us.

Said: We do not believe in censorship, but pre-screening.
Unsaid: How about a compulsory Anti-Offensive Software for every computer? Think of the effectiveness! Think of the revenue for such a project! Think of the kickbacks!

Said: I will defend your right to freedom of speech till the very end.
Unsaid: Till your end at least!

Said: Look at these photos. Aren’t they offensive? (At the press conference)
Unsaid: A voracious Facebooker like me hadn’t even seen these photos! Now thanks to you, millions are exchanging the same on the Internet all over the world.

Said: We asked the Internet companies to come out with a mechanism in four long weeks.
Unsaid: Even though the Lokpal Bill has been hanging fire with us politicos for four short decades.

Said: We asked them to give it in writing!
Unsaid: Even though our written “sense of the house” had absolutely no bearing on the Lokpal Bill.

Said: We will come out with the guidelines soon.
Unsaid: I have seen what problems this silly move has created and as usual we are going to make the problem so big that we will be forced to beat a hasty retreat.

© Sunil Rajguru

Twisted freedom quotes specifically for the Internet

∙ Freedom is my virtual birthright and I shall have it!

∙ Cyberspace is free speech of the netizens, for the netizens and by the netizens and all the politicians can go jump in a virtual lake!

∙ The Internet did not invent free speech. In a very real sense … free speech invented the Internet.

∙ It is true that in cyberspace you may suppress most of the people some of the time; you can even suppress some of the people all the time; but you can’t suppress all of the people all of the time.

∙ And so, my foolish politicians: ask not what the Internet can do for you – ask what you can do for the Internet.

∙ Politicians do not mistrust the Internet because they are maligned; they are maligned because they mistrust the Internet.

∙ Politicians versus the Internet: First they ignore it, then they try to suppress it, then they fight it, then the Internet wins.

Tum mujhe bandwidth do, main tumhe free speech doonga…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The news in statements and mirror statements…

Sibal: Censor cyberspace!
Cyberspace: Censor Sibal!

Singhvi: Lokpal draft finished.
Team Anna: Lokpal finished!

Religious leader to women: Please don’t touch bananas.
Congress woman president to party leaders: Please stop going bananas!

Congress: FDI in Retail.
The Rest: Retail of Foreign Delayed Indefinitely.

Pranab Mukherjee: We are lucky that we are not eating lizards!
Citizen to politician: You lizard!

© Sunil Rajguru

Some highly Sibalized words…

Desibal: The amount of noise Sibal makes when he makes a grand announcement about things like policing the Internet.
1 Desibal = 200 decibels (dB).
Reference: 130dB=Threshold of pain. 194dB=The theoretical limit for undistorted sound.

Invisibal: The unseen logic of all the school of thoughts in the world that do not conform to Sibalism.

Abolisibal: Something that should be totally done away with, like cyberspace and the BJP.

Irasibal: The irritation we feel when we see Sibal and the irritation he feels when he looks down upon us.

Sensibal: What Mr Sibal thinks he is when he is actually nonsensibal.

Coersibal: The force which Sibal thinks he has to coerce us into submission.

Convinsibal: A synonym for unable of being convinced.

Enforsibal: Cyberspace censorship? Ha ha ha!

Forsibal: What we will do if you don’t compy with us.

Permisibal: The condition of only pro-Congress things being allowed in India.

© Sunil Rajguru

The UPA wants the 1984 reality in 2012…

In Steven Spielberg’s movie Minority Report, the pre-crime division arrested people before they committed the crime!
The UPA is working on a similar technology by which all anti-Congress status messages, comments and photographs will be blocked even before they can be put up.
After Spielberg, the UPA is looking to better George Orwell’s Thought Police.
Nineteen Eighty-Four has come and gone, but beware of Two Thousand-Twelve!

The Cybernukkad…
What if a Government official announced at every nukkad in India that speaking against the government was banned?
What would happen?
There would be a revolution all across India!
So then, why are you trying to do the same at all Cyberspace nukkads?

© Sunil Rajguru

Understanding the current UPA strategy…

Once a consultant visited Congress headquarters.

A worker banged his head against the wall and kept shouting that he couldn’t get his mind off the pain.

The consultant stomped the worker’s foot.

As the worker hopped in pain, he yelled at the consultant, “What did you do that for?”

The consultant said, “How’s your head pain?”

The worker said, “I can’t feel it!”

The consultant said, “The body can handle only one pain centre at a time!”

One leader found this quite amusing and wondered if the same experiment could be applied to the nation.

Nation reeling from scams.

Bam! Arrest Anna Hazare.

Nation reeling from high-profile arrests.

Bam! Rahul Gandhi talks utter nonsense!

Nation still reeling from scams.

Bam! FDI in retail.

Nation reeling from inflation, petrol price hikes.

Bam! Censor cyberspace!

Next Bam! Is what?

© Sunil Rajguru

Some Kapil Sibal censorship musings…

∙ Diggy Raja to Sibal: Jitni shaurat mujhe politics main chaalis saal main nahin mili, us-se jyaada tumhe cyberspace main ek chaalis minute ke press conference ke baad mili!

∙ Kapil, what you are trying to do on the Internet is imposibal!

Khoob jamega rang, jab mil baithenge teen dost…Sibal, Diggy aur Stupidity…

Sone… <Kapil Sibal joins Facebook>
…pe suhaaga… < Facebook introduces Hate button>

Ab har Mummy apne bete se kahegi…
Log off kar de beta, warna Kapil Sibal aa jaayega!

Saare netizens Darr rahe kyunki Cyber Dada aa raha hai… we are afraid of you K K K K K Kapil!

∙ Google India is thinking that if it can get a cent for every sentence against Sibal on Google, it could substantially increase its revenues.

© Sunil Rajguru

How to douse the fire a la Sibal…

Sibal: Cyberspace main aag lagi hai!
(Bhai sahab ne ek baalti uthai aur uske andar ka samagri ko aag main daal diya…)
Advisor: Sahab, woh baalti main paani nahin tel tha!
Sibal: Oops! I did it again!
Arthath: UPA ka fire-fighting phir tel lene gaya!

Advisor on December 5: Sir, there are about 7.2 million status messages, Tweets and pictures against the Congress!
Advisor on December 7: Sir, there are about 2.4 million status messages, Tweets and pictures against the Congress!
Sibal: So my press conference was a grand success!
Advisor: Errr…. Now there are 934.3 million status messages, Tweets and pictures against you sir!

© Sunil Rajguru