Chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo…

Nowadays everyone in India wants to slap or thrash someone and throw slippers and shoes at prominent people.

Here’s a theme song for the new violent India.

Please sing to the tune of the Bollywood song Pyaar baant te chalo

Ho chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo,
Hey chaanta maarte chalo, chappal phekte chalo,
Kya politician kya social activist, humri sab se hai ladai,
Ho chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo,
Hey chaanta maarte chalo, chappal phekte chalo.

Nafrat hai nayi Bharat ki kahani,
Ye buzurgon ka kehna kyun sune yaaron,
Ek hi chaanta ke kaabil hain sab,
Humko peet paat ke rehana hai yaaron,

Hai socho kal kya the, dekho ab kya ho,
Sabko le doobayenge… hai apni ye ladai,
Ho chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo,
Hey chaanta maarte chalo, chappal phekte chalo.
(La la la la la la la la la la la la la la…)

Sharad ye hai to Chiddu tum ho,
Ye hai Kejriwal to Kalmadi tum ho,
Naam kuch ho magar ye na bhoolo,
Sabse gussa ek jaisa ho.
Ho chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo,
Hey chaanta maarte chalo, chappal phekte chalo.

Ye Mumbai hai woh Delhi dekho,
Har jagah nafrat ki hai kahani,
Nafrat sadiyon se ab tak amar hai,
Aur har cheez hai aani jaani
Ho chaanta maarte chalo, joota phekte chalo,
Hey chaanta maarte chalo, chappal phekte chalo…

(Original song: Pyaar baant te chalo.
Film: Hum Sab Ustad Hain.
Year: 1965.)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

When Manmohan Singh went onTwitter…

Dear Manmohan… idea for your first Tweet… 140 Zeroes… since you are a zero loss government…

∙ The PM has just completed a Thousand Tweets.
The only reason Twitter or anyone else hasn’t noticed is because all those Tweets were of Zero characters each, complying fully with his offline image.

∙ Why hasn’t Manmohan Singh Tweeted anything yet?
Because he was told that Twitter allows only 140 characters.
He’s making that list right now…
Character 1: Sonia, Character 2: Rahul, Character 3…

∙ Why is Manmohan Singh’s Twitter account like James Bond? Because it also has a 00 (double zero) in front of it: 0 (Tweets) 0 (Following).

© Sunil Rajguru

When SRK allegedly slapped Shirish Kunder…

SRK: My Name is Khan!

Shirish: Some Tees Maar Khan!

SRK: Chak De! Ek chaanta doonga rakh ke!

Shirish: Joker ban ke raha gaya hu...

Farah: Don’t worry, Main Hoo Na!

Gauri: Om Shanti Om.

Anna: Phakta Ek? Don-Teen lawayche hote na?

(Or even One 2 Ka 4!)

∙ Right now Shirish Kunder is thinking…
Agar main ek FIR file kar du, to it will become…
Ek mulk ki police SRK ka intezar kar rahi hai…
SRK ko pakadna mumkin hi nahi, aasan hoga…

© Sunil Rajguru

Tweet Tweet na raha, censor censor ho gaya…

So Twitter has decided to block certain Tweets if required by law.

Many users are seething at this censorship.

Please sing to the tune of Dost dost na raha from Sangam

Tweet Tweet na raha, censor censor ho gaya,
Cyberspace hamain tera, aitbaar na raha, aitbaar na raha….

Keemti Tweets mere apne dil ki, gaya tha jisko saunp kar,
Woh mere networking site tum hi the, tumhi to the,
Jo Internet ki raah me bane the mere hamsafar,
Woh mere networking site tum hi the, tumhi to the,
Saare bhed khul gaye, raazdaar na raha,
Cyberspace hamain tera, aitbaar na raha, aitbaar na raha….
Tweet Tweet na raha…

(Original Song: Dost dost na raha.
Film: Sangam.
Year: 1964)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Big 3 nahin to Little 3 hi sahi…

Overheard…
VVS to SRT/Dravid: Bas Sri Lanka tour nikaal lo bhai logon… next foreign pitch tour is at the very end of 2013. We can easily play till then!
Yuvi-Raina-Rohit: Looks like we will be the “Allegedly Next Big 3” to retire from Tests and not them!
Sehwag: And I actually thought I could bat up the order!
BCCI: The only constant is (we will not) change.

∙ History first repeats itself as a tragedy (England tour) and then as a farce (Australia tour).

∙ Happy Republic Day!
However, no Independence Day from the farce of Indian batting on foreign pitches.

∙ Theme song of the Indian batting is Hum Saath Saath Hai
They hit form together and collapse together.

© Sunil Rajguru

I love my pitches of India…

Indian batsmen are tigers on Indian Test pitches and lambs abroad. Their theme song…

Please sing to the tune of I love my India from the movie Pardes

London dekha, Melbourne dekha,
London dekha, Melbourne dekha,
Aur dekha Birmingham,
Oval dekha, Sydney dekha,
Sab dekha meri jaan,
Saare jag main kahin nahin hai doosra Pitch-e-Hindustan,
Doosra Pitch-e-Hindustan,
Doosra Pitch-e-Hindustan.

Ye duniya ek uljhan,
Ye duniya ek uljhan,
Ulhano ke uljhan main Team India,
Ye mera Team India,
Ye mera Team India,
I love my pitches of India,
I love my pitches of India.

Jab chheda stumps ko kisi ne,
Jhoom ke doosra wicket bhi gira,
Aag lagi jaise pitch main ab,
Deepak raag sunaaya pacers ne,
Saare wicket-o ka sangam bane opposition ki mala,
Hum apne Bhagwaan ko bhi kehate hain beshatak wala,
Beshatak wala,
Beshatak wala.

Ye mera Team India,
I love my pitches of India,
Ye mera Team India,
I love my pitches of India.

(Original song: I love my India.
Film: Pardes.
Year: 1997.)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

Consolidated Adelaide musings…

∙ Ricky Taunting India. Michael Clarke Kent (a.k.a Superman). Rahul “The Gate” Dravid. 99dulkar. Vir”Under” Sehwag. Dhakkan Fletcher. Kris SriCan’t. B (Don’t) See (Don’t) See I.

∙ The BCCI logic: Rohit Sharma is such a waste player! Forget scoring runs, he couldn’t even play a Test match! Drop him next time!

∙ After the 0-4 debacle in England the only person to be sacked was Harsha Bhogle from the anchor’s chair.
Who will they sack after 0-4 in Australia?

∙ Law of diminishing returns…
Test No. 1 ranking: Gone in 600 days.
Indian innings: Gone in 60 overs.
Opening partnership: Gone in 60 balls.
Indian Batsman: Gone in 60 seconds.

∙ Overheard…
Speaker: Can you deny the genocide the English committed on us?
Listener: No!
Speaker: Can you deny the genocide the Australians committed on us?
Listener: Eh??? Aussies in our freedom struggle?
Second Listener: He’s actually talking about cricket…

∙ If Cricket is our Religion, then the Australian tour is Blasphemy.

© Sunil Rajguru

Consolidated Salman Rushdie JLF musings…

Daft definitions…
Rushdie:
A writer who wrote something in England in 1988 that enraged someone in Iran that ultimatey left a few Rajasthanis wondering what the hell was going on in 2012, when people kept pointing them towards Uttar Pradesh.

Inky Pinky City,
JLF had a Virtual Rushdie,
Virtual Rushdie died,
Logic cried,
Inky Pinky City.

∙ In India, controversies age beautifully like wine…
Examples…
1. A 61-year-old age certificate.
2. A 44-year-old parliamentary bill.
3. A 24-year-old book.

Gandhi, Rushdie aur Anonymity…

1980: Rushdie who?
1981. Indira Gandhi: Rushdie!
1988. Rajiv Gandhi: Rushdie!
1996-2011: Rushdie who?
2012. Sonia Gandhi: Rushdie!

Global message of the week…
Jay, Jeremy and JLF… Shut up!

∙ The Congress has just Censored Salman Rushdie from India.
Don’t celebrate. You’re next!

© Sunil Rajguru

Hum draw karenge Test match ek din…

A new psychologist has joined the Indian cricket team, who has given a new theme song to the players to get them out of the current mess they are in…

Please sing to the tune of Hum honge kamyab

Hum draw karenge Test match,
Hum draw karenge Test match,
Hum draw karenge Test match ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai Vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Hum draw karenge Test match ek din.

Chalega match paancho din,
Chalega match paancho din,
Chalega match paancho din ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Chalega match paancho din ek din.

Hamare wickets nahin girenge saath saath,
Hamare wickets nahin girenge saath saath,
Hamare wickets nahin girenge saath saath ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Hamare wicket nahin girenge saath saath.

Nahi darr kisi foreign pitch ka,
Nahi bhay kisi pace bowler ka
Nahi darr na bhay ek din,
Ho ho ho mann main hai vishwas,
Poora hai vishwas,
Nahi darr na bhay ek din.

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

It was the best of teams and worst of teams…

The common fan’s feelings on the Indian cricket team…

It was the best of teams,
it was the worst of teams,
it was the age of greatness,
it was the age of foolishness,
it was the epoch of belief in Team India,
it was the epoch of incredulity at its decline,
it was the season of World Cup Light,
it was the season of Overseas Test Darkness,
it was the spring of hope,
it was the winter of despair in the very same year,
we had everything before us,
we had nothing before us…

(With due apologies to the opening of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, 1859)

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

General current affairs musings…

∙ The Government is looking to 49% FDI in aviation. If foreign players come, invest and change the names of Indian airline companies…
The Virgin Atlantic Airways probabilities…
Go Airways could become GoVirgin.
Jet Airways could become Virgin Lite.
Kingfisher could become VirginKing.
IndiGo could become IndiVirgin.
If South West Airlines came, then they could revive East West Airlines and call it:
South West East West Airlines.
If China Southern Airlines and China Eastern Airlines also jumped into the fray, then the new entity could be:
China Southern Eastern South West East West Airlines.

∙ BSY: The B in Karnataka BJP stands for BSY!
BJP: The B in BSY stands for BJP!
Bottom line: Soon, it’ll be BSY=BJP Splitter Yedyurappa.

∙ Arrogance of power.
Congress advisor: Here’s the 2009-14 Five-year plan, at the end of which Internet Censorship, bills to suppress federalism, how to dilute RTI, how to stall anti-corruption election reform plans for good etc etc will firmly be in place and we’ll be invincible!
Q: But what if someone else comes to power then?
A: Oops! I never thought of that! Is that even possible?

© Sunil Rajguru