Big 3 nahin to Little 3 hi sahi…

Overheard…
VVS to SRT/Dravid: Bas Sri Lanka tour nikaal lo bhai logon… next foreign pitch tour is at the very end of 2013. We can easily play till then!
Yuvi-Raina-Rohit: Looks like we will be the “Allegedly Next Big 3” to retire from Tests and not them!
Sehwag: And I actually thought I could bat up the order!
BCCI: The only constant is (we will not) change.

∙ History first repeats itself as a tragedy (England tour) and then as a farce (Australia tour).

∙ Happy Republic Day!
However, no Independence Day from the farce of Indian batting on foreign pitches.

∙ Theme song of the Indian batting is Hum Saath Saath Hai
They hit form together and collapse together.

© Sunil Rajguru

Random poll musings…

∙ Nowadays there are a lot of quota-ble quotes in the election speeches.

∙ In politics first there were wheels within wheels.
Nowadays there are quotas within quotas.

Overheard…
Q: What’s the first thing you’ll do if you come to power in UP?
A: Make sure that the covers never come off Maya’s statues!

∙ PM: Actually I’m more worried about malnutrition in FDI.

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 11…

Wife: Swami!
PC: Woh naam mat lo mere saamne!

Party worker: Ki chhora Ganga kinare waala…
Maya: Mat gaana ga woh! Chhora haath dho kar hi peeche pad gaya hai UP ke!

Worker: Can sir…
Rahul: Cancer? Stop talking nonsense!

Sometime after the World Cup final…
Madam: Sachin is a real bharat ratna!
PC (To himself): Hmmm, now we’ll have to change the rules!

© Sunil Rajguru

How to douse the fire a la Sibal…

Sibal: Cyberspace main aag lagi hai!
(Bhai sahab ne ek baalti uthai aur uske andar ka samagri ko aag main daal diya…)
Advisor: Sahab, woh baalti main paani nahin tel tha!
Sibal: Oops! I did it again!
Arthath: UPA ka fire-fighting phir tel lene gaya!

Advisor on December 5: Sir, there are about 7.2 million status messages, Tweets and pictures against the Congress!
Advisor on December 7: Sir, there are about 2.4 million status messages, Tweets and pictures against the Congress!
Sibal: So my press conference was a grand success!
Advisor: Errr…. Now there are 934.3 million status messages, Tweets and pictures against you sir!

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 9…

First Pak official: There’s a mistake here… it says “Unclear Safeguard Plan”. Shouldn’t it be “Nuclear Safeguard Plan”?
Second Official: Both spellings are correct.

Indian Official:
I cannot give a positive spin on oil prices any more.
PM: Please explain to them that in exactly the same way that I am in charge of the government and not the Congress President; the oil companies are in charge of the oil prices and not the government!

First Official: Anna Hazare, nuclear plants, Chidambaram, 2G… we need something to take the heat away from these issues…
Second Official: FDI in retail?

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard by a media house…

SR: Vijaysahab, main Sahara dene ke liye tayar hu, Maal leke jaana!

VM: Jai Sahara!

SR: Lucknow aa rahe ho, par JetLite se katai nahin aana.

VM: Main Red main aa raha hu!

SR (apne aap se): Dhakkan!

VM: To Kingfisher bach gaya!

SR: Arre main to Racing waala Formula ki baat kar raha tha, Flying ka nahin!

VM: Kya??? Sab Maya hai… Ab main is udan khatola sena ka kya karunga…

(News Source: But we already flashed that Sahara is bailing them out…
Reply: Move on yaar, who really cares anyway!)

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 8…

Federer: If only Nadal wasn’t there, I would have had 3-4 more titles.
Nadal: If only Federer wasn’t there, I would have been the greatest.
Djokovic: Despite both of you I’ve won 3 Grand Slams this year, been No.1 for 3 months and lost just one completed match in 2011!
The greatest challenger to the greats?

Somewhere in FedEx Land…
Bhagwan ke naam pe sirf ek aur Grand Slam de de re baba!

Rafa…
Caught between a Novak and a FedEx.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 7…

Naagrik: Doodh main kyu paani mila rahe ho bhai?
Doodhwala: To kya kar loge ji?

Anna: Lokpal Bill main kyun paani mila rahe ho bhai?
Pradhan Mantri: To kya kar loge ji?

Pak PM: Indo-Pak relations need to be energized with a bit of youth.
Result: Hina! Hina! Hina!

The misunderstood media moghul…

Murdoch: Mobilize all the hacks!
What really happened: All the mobiles were hacked!

Murdoch: I’ve been attacked so much that the news of the world should be shut down for me.
What really happened: The News of the World shut down.

Murdoch: This is the most humiliating day of my life!
What was really reported: This is the most humbling day of my life.

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 6…

∙ Employee to colleague: Teri salary five-figure hai ya six figures?
Politician to colleague: Tera scam eleven-figure hai ya twelve figures?

∙ First spy: What happened to the bugs in the PM’s office?
Second spy: We had to remove them.
First spy: Why? You got caught?
Second spy: No. He doesn’t open his mouth even in front of the bugs!

∙ Uncle: Kaunsa mobile connection hai beta?
Boy: 2G.
Uncle: Kyun ye corrupt technology use kar rahe ho? 3G kyun nahin lete ho?

Yesterday…
Son: Mummy, I have decided to keep a fast.
Mother: Wonderful!
Today
Son: Mummy, I have decided to keep a fast.
Mother: How dare you join the RSS without my permission!

∙ Congress Spokesman: The BJP is irrelevant. The Opposition is irrelevant. The people’s protests are irrelevant. Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev are irrelevant. The Congress is the only totalitarian single party that matters. We are the absolute authorities. (And by the way, Anna, Baba, BJP, RSS and all are nothing but Fascists)

Yesterday…
Editor to colleague: Get the obituaries of Baba and Anna ready. They are going in for a fast unto death.
Today...
Editor to colleague: Have you got the obituary for the Lokpal Bill ready?

Yesterday…
Pranab: God! This BJP is bugging me.
God! This RSS is bugging me.
God! This Anna Hazare is bugging me.
God! This Baba Ramdev is bugging me.
Today…
Pranab: It has come to this that I don’t even know who is bugging me anymore!

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 5…

* First Congressman: I am afraid what will happen if the financial irregularity charges against Baba Ramdev will prove to be false. We will be in a really tight spot indeed.
Second Congressman: I am more worried if the charges are found true and he is indeed corrupt. Then he has a bright political future and could become a formidable opponent!

* Political leader (to himself): I am not feeling well today…
To his wife: …I think I will keep a fast today.
Somewhere in an eavesdropping police control room: We have an offender! All forces move in immediately to…

* First Better: So how’s business?
Second Better: It’s booming!
First Better: How come? People are actually following the India-West Indies tour?
Second Better: No man, it’s this whole Lokpal tamasha… Will the Lokpal Bill come or not? Will Baba or Anna keep a fast? Betting is most uncertain in this new business!

* Madam: I think you should learn to control your talk.
Diggy: But Madam! Rahul has promised that I’ll be his chief advisor when he becomes PM! We are just getting in sync with each other…

* Anna: Pata nahin, aaj kal bhookh hi nahin lagti!

* Karuna: Bah! Lokpal. PM. Anna. Baba. Maran. Bah! Nobody is worried about my poor little daughter. What a poor ole man am I!

© Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 4…

Advani (aloud): I get up every day thinking that if I was Prime Minister today, then all these scams wouldn’t have taken place!

Sushma (to herself): I get up every day thinking that had you quit gracefully in 2004, I would have led the party to victory in 2009. I fear you will be around in 2014 too.

Somewhere far away…

Manmohan: How does the cleanest PM in the history of India attract the maximum amount of muck? This can’t be happening to me!

Sonia: Ah! Life is so peaceful! Thanks God I turned down the PM’s post in 2004! Now I have all the power and none of the responsibility and headaches!

Rahul: Mera kya hoga re Mamma!

Elsewhere…

First Politician: How come you respect Manmohan so much nowadays? You used to oppose him non-stop when he became PM in 2004?

Second Politician: Then he had absolutely no political experience.

First Politician: So now just 6-7 years in power is enough, eh?

Second Politician: Of course! Look at his portfolio now! 2G, CWG, Adarsh, IPL, black money, votes for cash, WikiLeaks… the list is endless… now he has more political experience than even Jawaharlal Nehru or Indira Gandhi!

© Sunil Rajguru