Rahul vs Modi…

· Gujarat progress…
Modi backers: Glass is 4/5ths full.
Modi haters: Glass is 1/5th empty! Glass is 1/5th empty!! Glass is 1/5th empty!!!…..

· India doesn’t make sense.
Rahul Gandhi doesn’t make sense.
Analysis: Rahul is perfect to lead India.

· Like the term Sathiya gaya, we need the term Chaalisa gaya for Rahul baba.

· Like antimony, even antimodi should be a word in the dictionary.

· Secularism of Nitish & Co…
In 1992 Advani was anti-secular.
In 2013 he is pro-secular.
Because he is now anti-Modi!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Sir Ravindra Jadeja quotable quotes…

“We will get another chance at a T20 World Cup, but will we ever get another chance at getting a player like Sir Jadeja?”
—MS Dhoni, after the 2009 loss.

“The Earth stopped just as RP Singh was going to land his foot behind the crease and started again when he overstepped.”
—A baffled scientist forced to comment on an IPL match.

“India never ever beat a Test team 4-0. India never ever played Sir Jadeja in a full Test series. That both came together should surprise no-one.”
—BCCI statement.

“I want to play for India again. I want to score another triple century. I need Sir Jadeja’s help.”
—Virender Sehwag.

“The calls for my retirement have got greater ever since Sir Jadeja made his debut. The pressure is immense now.”
—Sachin Tendulkar.

“We were expecting to win 2-1, but when we saw Sir Jadeja in the Playing XI, our plans crumbled. The players had actually had forgotten their homework on Sir Jadeja, an unpardonable crime!”
—Mickey Arthur.

“I am actually studying Sir Jadeja’s weaknesses in this IPL for the upcoming India tour of South Africa.”
—Dale Steyn.

“The difference between Rohit jokes and Sir Jadeja jokes is that while the former are actually jokes, the latter are facts.”
—Rohit Sharma.

“I am planning to retire comfortably and write my memoirs at home safe in the knowledge that this Earth is now in safe hands.”

“Saurashtra. That one word has rendered me powerless. Modi can claim a piece of Sir Jadeja, while I can’t. I don’t want to be PM anymore.”
—Rahul Gandhi.

“In 2007 I was kicked out of the national committee. In May 2009 the Congress snatched 11 LS seats from my state. I was in the pits. I was finished. Then Sir Jadeja burst into the scene in June 2009. I haven’t looked back since!”
—Narendra Modi.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Pappu can’t rule sala…

While Nehru was affectionately called Chacha, his great grandson Rahul is called Pappu.
Please sing to the tune of Pappu Can’t Dance from the movie Jaane Tu… Ya Jaane Na.

Hai irregular, hai popular,
Nonspectacular, he is a bachelor,
Pappu ki party Congrezz hai,
Pappu ke jokes ekdum craze hai,
Pappu simply hasn’t a clue,
Pappu dikhta angrez hai,
Bas bade bade sapne uske baaton main,
Stubble Bollywood hero wala,
Par Pappu can’t rule sala,
Haan Pappu raj nahi kar sakta.

Paida Pappu hua to kismate chamki,
Aur uske muh main the chandi ki chamchi,
Pappu ke paas hai paisa,
Haathon ke mail ke jaisa,
Pappu Congrezz ka aakhir hope hai,
Pappu buddhu hai aur short hai,
Par Pappu can’t rule sala,
Haan Pappu raj nahi kar sakta.

Papa kehte hai bada naam karega,
Mera Pappu to aisa kaam karega.

Pappu ke paas hai MBA,
(Master of Bees Administration)
Karta hai foreign main holiday,
Pappu public ki bajata hai,
Jahan jaata hai hasi chah jaati hai.

Per Pappu can’t rule sala,
Haan Pappu raj nahi sakta…

(Original Song: Pappu Can’t Dance.
Movie: Jaane Tu… Ya Jaane Na.
Year: 2008)

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

More of when Pappu spoke at CII…

· Advani: Age 85: Still aspires to be PM.
Manmohan: At 80, ready for 3rd term.
Pappu: At 42, hame use kam se kam 40 saal aur jhelna padega.

· All Indians are bees and Pappu is the ultimate top shot MBA.
(Master of Bees Administration)

· I think Pappu has far greater potential that former US Prez George W Bush.
(As fodder for cartoonists, that is)

· Boss, is it bee-coming of a future PM to beehive in such a manner?
Not happening man!

· Nigoda na shaadi karta hai na zimmedari sambhalta hai aur jab dekho ulta seedha bakta rahata hai.
(Must say Sonia is like any other Indian mother)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When Pappu spoke at CII…

· The Pappu CII speech summarized…
Boss. I have lost it. India=Force=Energy=Beehive=Tide. Rani ki Jhansi. Me PM=All smoke. MMS can’t solve problems.

· Harivansh Rai’s epic is Madhushala.
Pappu’s epic is Madhumakkhi.

· Pappu is still a student studying for his theory exams and terrified of practicals.
Passout Modi meanwhile has completed 10 years as CEO.

· He has now been promoted to General Rahul.
(He only talks of Generalities, no specifics)

· Pappu may not increase India’s Gross National Income, but he will sure increase our Gross National Happiness.
All his speeches get maximum ROFLMAOs.

· Pappu is actually laying the groundwork for Priyanka.
When she comes, she’ll feel like a genius in comparison.
Bhai ho to aisa!

· Sonia-MMS-Rahul are India’s Bermuda Triangle.
All progress, sense and scams simply vanish in this triangle.

· Peter Pan never grew old and was always a boy.
So let’s just call him Pappu Pan.

· Pappu said…
India is a beehive.
My mother is the Queen Bee.

· Prince Hamlet: To be or not to be, that is the question.
Prince Pappu: To bee or not to bee, that is the question.

· Mere hazaaron speeches se accha hai Modi ka ek vakya: Pappu.

· Pappu: When I come to power, I will rename it as “Pradhan Mantri ka Bharat”.
(Ref: Rani Ki Jhansi)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

March 2013 Status Updates

· Katju: How are you?
Sanjay: Fine.
Katju: (Mumbles something).
Sanjay: Pardon me?
Katju: Sure! Right on it!
Sanjay: That’s not what I meant!

(March 28 )

· Bible: Love thy neighbour.
IPL Bible: Ban they neighbour.
(First Pak, now Lanka)

(March 26)

· Looks like the Aakash Tablet is being Zameened (Grounded).

(March 24)

· To be a criminal in India…
Tough to convict politicians.
Tough to hang terrorists.
Tough not to pardon film stars.
Tough to try foreigners.
Tough to nail rapists in court.

(March 23)

· The real message…
Modi: When I become PM, this is what I will do.
Nitish: Whoever becomes PM, please help Bihar.

· Of late in India, Faking News has greater relevance than Breaking News, while the UnReal Times seems much more real than all the Real Times.

(March 18 )

· “Hazaaron jawabon se acchi hai meri khamoshi.”
Problem isn’t the khaamoshi PM sahaab, but that there are hazaaron sawaal on your rule in the first place!

(March 17)

· Ajinkya Rahane will soon make a record for most Tests watched from the Bench.

· Team India: The Aussie team is in such disarray, that we could beat them in 4 days flat!
Weather: Challenge accepted!

(March 15)

· Ayub Khan: Lost 1965 War.
Yahya Khan: Lost 1971 War.
Zia-ul-Haq: Lost Siachen.
Pervez Musharraf: Lost Kargil.
Pakistan: Only country where qualification for a dictator is to lose a war with India.

· The Italian Marines left on a One Way Ticket.
Now if only someone else would go there permanently on a Half Ticket.

(March 14)

· How the PM-Prez probably fight…
PM: Tu rubber stamp President!
Prez: Tu rubber stamp PM!

(March 13)

· PreCrime: Arrest a person before he commits crime. (Fiction: Minority Report)
PreHanging: Hang a person before the trial. (Fact: Ram Singh)

(March 12)

· The media focus camera…
Modi’s faults: Zoom in, zoom in!!!
Modi’s successes: Zoom out, zoom out!!!
Congress: Just the other way round.

(March 11)

· Future Quote: First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you become PM: Narendra Modi.

· People disillusioned with the BJP: Advani.
We are opposite. Congress is an illusion: Rahul.

(March 9)

· Till the 19th century, women couldn’t vote, couldn’t be big businessmen while most of the careers were totally closed to them. They even had to have 10 children if their husbands deemed so.
The 20th century changed that totally. It should be called the Women’s Century.
Now here’s hoping that the 21st Century brings Total Equality.
Here’s not wishing for a Women’s Day, but a Women’s Century!

(March 8 )

· India is a bipolar country. Debate is dead. People of conflicting viewpoints just yell and scream at each other.

· If MMS is a night watchman, then Rahul is the over-hyped tail-ender who’s yet to come.

(March 7)

· There is only one Freedom of Speech guaranteed in India today.
Freedom of Hate Speech against Modi.

· Tata to launch airlines with ad jingle aimed at Congress…
Jo mera hai woh tera nahin hai…

· 2013: Tata to launch commercial airline!
(Now wait, isn’t that a 1932 headline?)

(March 6)

· Pre-1947: We need a Freedom Struggle.
Post-2009: We need a Freedom of Speech Struggle.

(March 5)

· If government ads were fully withdrawn, then both the economics and politics of Indian mainstream media would see drastic changes.

· Sushilkumar Sine die (Since his brains are adjourned sine die).

· Tamil Nadu: Congressfree for 46 years. WB: 36 years. Sikkim: 29 years. UP-Guj-Bihar: 24 years…
2014: Make India Congressfree Year.

(March 2)

· Ravindra Jadeja and Rohit Sharma must be the most talked about cricketers in the history of cricket for things other than their achievements.

(March 1)

© Sunil Rajguru