If wishes were horses…

After 20 years, Imran Khan is the Prime Minister of Pakistan and Sachin Tendulkar the PM of India.
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India and Pak reach the final of the 2032 T10 World Cup. So Sachin invites Imran  to Eden Gardens where they meet and discuss a lot of things and end up sorting out the Kashmir issue! Cricket Diplomacy zindabad!
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P.S. Manmohan Singh sahab, what an idea sirji! Deflecting all your problems in one stroke! If India wins the WC, you might actually win the assembly polls! What is 2G, CWG, WikiLeaks in front of cricket?
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This version by Sunil Rajguru

Fix kare ya na kare ye kaisi mushkil hai…

Please sing to the tune of Rangeela‘s Kya kare kya na kare ye kaisi mushkil hai

Fix kare ya na kare ye kaisi mushkil hai,
Koi to bata de iska hal o mere bhai,
Ki ek taraf to paise se pyaar kare hum,
Aur game ko khelne se darrein hum.

Roz roz hum sochta yahi,
Aaj humko chance mil jaaye kahin,
To aisa khelega saala vaisa khelega,
Khullam khulla bat aur ball pe hamla karega,
Par jab rokda saamne chamakti hai,
Saans hi atakti hai,
Aur ye ball jaati hai fisal,

Fix kare ya na kare ye kaisi mushkil hai,
Koi to bata de iska hal o mere bhai,
Ki ek taraf to paise se pyaar kare hum,
Aur game ko khelne se darrein hum.

Koi badi baat nahin humein fix karna tha jo bhi,
Vo to hum yoohi karte magar,
Phir bhi kaha nahin vajah iski hai yehi,
Bas garibi se humko hai darr,
Ab fixing ka paisa chhode ya na chhode,
Fixing ko haan kahe ya na kahe,
Soch soch main hi match gayi nikal…

Fix kare ya na kare ye kaisi mushkil hai,
Koi to bata de iska hal o mere bhai,
Hey bhai mere bhai,
O mere bhai,
Hey bhai mere bhai
O mere bhai.

(Ab “bhai” hi batayega iska hal!)
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(Original Song: Kya Kare Kya Na Kare
Film: Rangeela
Year: 1995)

Some World Cup South Africanisms…

South African cricket team’s theme songs…
Dil to choke-ra hai ji!
Na na karte choke hum phir kar baithe…

The slogan…
Choke de South Africa!

National flower…
Chokeas

An art movie of their exploits…
Choker Bali

A PJ…
With South Africa, nothing is final. It’s only semi-final and quarter-final.

Hindi sayings…
Pata nahin ye kis janam ka badla choke-a raha hai
Koi chakke marta hai, koi chauke maarta hai to koi choke pe choke maarta hai.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Overheard 4…

Advani (aloud): I get up every day thinking that if I was Prime Minister today, then all these scams wouldn’t have taken place!

Sushma (to herself): I get up every day thinking that had you quit gracefully in 2004, I would have led the party to victory in 2009. I fear you will be around in 2014 too.

Somewhere far away…

Manmohan: How does the cleanest PM in the history of India attract the maximum amount of muck? This can’t be happening to me!

Sonia: Ah! Life is so peaceful! Thanks God I turned down the PM’s post in 2004! Now I have all the power and none of the responsibility and headaches!

Rahul: Mera kya hoga re Mamma!

Elsewhere…

First Politician: How come you respect Manmohan so much nowadays? You used to oppose him non-stop when he became PM in 2004?

Second Politician: Then he had absolutely no political experience.

First Politician: So now just 6-7 years in power is enough, eh?

Second Politician: Of course! Look at his portfolio now! 2G, CWG, Adarsh, IPL, black money, votes for cash, WikiLeaks… the list is endless… now he has more political experience than even Jawaharlal Nehru or Indira Gandhi!

© Sunil Rajguru

Random mobile telephony thoughts…

∙ Your lifetime prepaid mobile message should actually read…
Your balance is XXX INR. Your validity expires on December 31, 2037, even though you may not live that long and even though we may not last that long and even though we all haven’t the foggiest idea what the state of mobile telephony and billing will be in the Year 2017, let alone 2037!
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∙ Competition among mobile operators is extremely fierce.
It’s quite difficult to tell who has the greatest number of call drops or who’s Help Desk keeps you on hold the longest or who has the lousiest billing problems.
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∙ The 3G ads are so good and promising that they make you feel like an absolute idiot for having 2G in the first place.
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∙ In India, at least everyone is heading towards Roti, Kapada aur Mobile.
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© Sunil Rajguru

Who will win the cricket world cup?

Pakistan?
That depends on whether there is more money in winning or losing.
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South Africa?
That depends on their sense of humour and their ability to crack a choke.
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England?
They just won the Ashes comprehensively. They don’t want the cup. They are already ready to retire.
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India?
If that happens then beleagured Manmohan Singh will be booted out and Sachin Tendulkar will be made the Prime Minister.
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Australia?
A fourth title in a row means that you can just scrap world cup 2015 to save everyone the agony and declare them permanent champions.
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West Indies?
If someone hands Clive Lloyd and Viv Richards a bat maybe, they are already in India and seem to have all the answers.
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This version by Sunil Rajguru

Desperate co-incidences for the believers…

India will win the 2011 cricket world cup because…

1. In 1983, Clive Lloyd was chasing his third world cup title as captain. That situation has repeated itself only in 2011 when Ricky Ponting is chasing his third title. Naturally, this time also India will play the spoiler.

2. The last time an Indian scored 175 against a minnow in a world cup (Kapil Dev 175*, Zimbabwe, 1983), we won the tournament.
This time Virender Sehwag scored 175 against Bangladesh.

3. Whenever captain MS Dhoni is about to win a global title, he effects a tie in the tournament. In the 2007 T20 WC, we tied against Pakistan. In the 2010 Champions League, Chennai Superkings tied against Victoria Bushrangers and won the title. In the 2011 WC, he has already tied a match against England.

4. For the first time ever, the final is in Mumbai. Mumbai is home to the great Sachin Tendulkar. And this is the last cup that Sachin will play. Looks like a divine setting and Sachin is God.

5. The Sub-continent Cycle Rule: From 1983-96, India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka won the title once each. From 1999-2007, India, Pakistan and Sri Lanka were runners-up once each. Now India will begin the new round of the victory cycle from 2011.

This Version By Sunil Rajguru

ICC aur bagawat

Dhoni: Maine bola tha na, UDRS nahin chalega!

Dalmiya: Tune mujhe hi nahin, poore West Bengal ko lalkara hai.

BCCI: Pawarsaheb, tum us paar jaake badal gaye ho.

Pak: Mere country ko matches se kangal kiya. Mere players ko ban kiya. Chhodunga nahin!

Ireland: Hame 2015 se nikal diya? Le world cup record pe record…

Finance Dept: Suffer with UDRS, we cannot afford more technology like hot spot…

Manmohan: ICC head honcho sahab, aap hamare bhi ally ho na?

This Version by Sunil Rajguru

February 2011 Status Updates

• It takes Libya 42 years to realize Gaddafi is a bad & failed dictator? Wow!
(Egypt, less slow on the uptake: 30 years. Tunisia: 13 years)

• Can Kenya beat Pak?
(Well, that depends on how generous the bookies are and how much in financial need the players are…)

• Locally: Keeping up with the Joneses.
Globally: Keeping up with the Tunisians.

(February 23)

• Wanted: Scam Affairs Minister to manage questions, probes & procedures of so many scams. PM, spokesmen, Sibal & Co. clearly struggling.

(February 15)

Aadhi roti tave pe,
Aadhi roti hawa main,
Puri government tava pe,
Saara corruption hawa main.

(*Translation Note: Hawa=Spectrum)

(February 9)

© Sunil Rajguru