All you need is 10 years…

(Recently Rahul Gandhi said something to the effect that just 10 years were needed to bring about a change in the country…)

Rahul: Give me 10 years and I will eradicate corruption.

Advani: That’s what I’m saying! We got just 5 years in power, we need just 5 more. Come on! Give it to me!

Yedyurappa: Advaniji, mere to mushkil se teen saal hi ho rahe hai aur aap mujhe jaane ke liye bol rahe ho!

Manmohan: Ye kya anarth ho raha hai! Year 5 tak corruption khatam tha! Years 5-10 main kaise bad raha hai?

Laloo: Accha ab samjha! Everything went wrong in years 10-15!

Nitish: LOL! Maine to paanch saal main hi kaya palat kiya hai!

CPM: Who is this Rahul Baba? He doesn’t know anything! You actually need 40 years! And we have just done 34! Just give us 6 more years!

People: Eh!!! Nehru got 17. Indira got 15. Manmohan is getting 10. Rajiv, Rao, Shastri together got much more than 10 years. What are you saying? You want to be PM for 10 years?

Congress spokesman: Err, are you saying that the term of Lok Sabha and assemblies should be 10 years instead of 5? Please tell fast, today 7 TV appearances!

India: Rahul Beta, call me India or Hindustan or Bharat or what you will, I have been around for thousands of years!

Rahul: Dil to bachcha hai ji!

© Sunil Rajguru

The secret diary of LK Advani…

Still plenty to live for…
Let me review my Vision 2020…

2011: Current Congress government most corrupt in the history of India!
Have to go on the offensive, stall Parliament, organize as many yatras as I can…
Stay in the limelight… stay in the limelight…

2012: Have to push Vajpayeeji for the President’s post when Pratibha madam retires. Only fit man in India to swear me in as PM…

2013: Modi will be sworn in as CM in the beginning of the year.
I have to get him to break Basu’s Bengal record.
Got to keep him away from Delhi… got to keep him away from Delhi…

2014: Anti-incumbency wave will finally hit UPA.
I finally get my dream to be PM!!!

2015: Nitish Kumar has to be pacified.
His re-election will make many NDA allies propose him as PM candidate.
5 cabinet berths for JD(U)? Massive Bihar relief package? Unification plan for Bihar and Jharkhand?

2016: Rath Yatras 17, 18 and 19 will have to be kick-started to maintain popularity.

2017: I will show these jokers how to implement 4G!

2018: BJP’s glorious campaign on Black Money will finally bear fruit, boosting the economy and boosting my popularity too!

2019: On my re-election as PM, I will simply have to appoint my successor, otherwise they will start pulling me down.

2020: Rath Yatras 20, 21 and 22 to celebrate my second term.

2024: Lok Sabha polls? No, no, no… that will be thinking too far ahead!

© Sunil Rajguru

Where is the money?

In India, Black Money should be called Invisible Money.
Nobody has ever seen most of it…

2G Scam.
Kapil Sibal: There never was any money in the first place!

Harshad Mehta.
Income Tax Department: Where is the money?

Satyam.
Stockbrokers: Where is our money?

Fodder Scam.
Aisa hai bhayya, ki paisa ghaas charne gaya hai…

ICC’s Match-Fixing Department.
365 days a year: Where is the money?

A residence in 1996.
Sukh Ram: Where is my money? This is party money!

Bofors.
Congress: There never was any money!

Telgi.
Police: Where is the money?

Maya.
I have no black money. All white money and most of it has been invested in infrastructure like statues and parks.

Hawala Scam.
There never was any money!

Swiss Banks India Chapter.
Ha ha ha ha ha! LOL! ROFL! ROFLMAOAAPMP!

© Sunil Rajguru

It happens only in Facebook…

• Real World
A & B are chatting…
C comes along and A says to C (pointing to B): We’re friends.
Virtual World
Facebooker A and Facebooker B are chatting.
A: Who are you?
B: We’re friends!

• “Real”ly…
Just because I don’t say it, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.
Virtually…
Just because I don’t comment, it doesn’t mean that I haven’t read your Status Message (Or seen your picture/album etc)

• A common dilemma…
To update or not to update, that’s the question.

• “A birthday a day” means you’re looking at your Facebook Events section.

© Sunil Rajguru

Karnataka: Some questions and answers…

Q: Who is the Leader of the Opposition in Karnataka?
A: The Governor.

Q: Why is the Centre not imposing President’s Rule in Karnataka?
A: Because it has already imposed Governor’s Rule.

Q: Why has all development in Karnataka either come to a standstill or is going at a snail’s pace?
A: Since an out and out pro-development CM SM Krishna was brutally booted out, subsequent rulers are convinced that the people of the state hate development and are working against it. Andhra Pradesh is also suffering for doing the same to Chadrababu Naidu. Also, corrupt CMs seem to have a greater chance of re-election.

Q: What is the land policy of Karnataka?
A: Equality for all politicians. Since it is perceived that the Congress and JD(S) have already taken over huge amounts of land, the BJP is desperately trying to achieve parity before it is toppled.

Q: Why is the Chief Minister of Karnataka not quitting?
A: If LK Advani can stay after the debacle of 2009, Narendra Modi can stay after Godhra, Manmohan Singh can stay after Adarsh, CWG, 2G etc, why punish poor Yeddy for much littler crimes?

Q: What does the future hold for Karnataka?
A: Not good I’m afraid. The poor electorate of Karnataka is totally confused. Was Congressman Dharam Singh the worst CM ever? Was JD(S) HD Kumaraswamy any good? Is BJP BSY the most corrupt? Is the Congress at the Centre totally destroying the state? Such questions usually lead to hung assemblies and general all-round instability.

© Sunil Rajguru

Some typical Indianisms…

Voluntary Disclosure Income Scheme: A means of gathering money from crooks, thereby pardoning them, thereby creating a pool of money for even more corrupt schemes which can thereby create more crooks those who can then go ahead and redeem themselves when the next round of VDIS comes.
(Ad infinitum)

Party President: Ask the Prime Minister…
Prime Minister: As the concerned minister…
Minister: Ask the concerned officials…
Officials: It’s not our fault, media sensationalizing it, conditions are…
Elsewhere, the Buck stops some where.
In India, the Buck always plays a merry merry-go-round.

A Philosopher’s Worry…
What if none of this is true?
What if it is all unreal?
What if it was already decided by some higher entity?
A Cricket Fan’s Worry…
What if none of this is true?
What if it is all unreal?
What if it was already fixed by some top bookie?

© Sunil Rajguru

The truth about voting and party symbols…

Desh ne Panja ko vote diya.
Panja ne desh ko thappad maara.

Desh ne Kamal ko vote diya.
Kamal murjha gaya, keechad keechad raha.

State ne Haathi ko vote diya.
Haathi ne
state ko kuchal daala.

State ne Laaltein ko vote diya.
Satta main aate hi Laaltein bujh gaya.

State ne Teer ko vote diya.
Teer ne aam nagrik ko apna nishana banaya.

State ne Bicycle ko vote diya.
Bicycle ki tarah saare neta chod ke chal diye.

State ne Ghadi ko vote diya.
Ghadi satta main aate hi band ho gayi.

State ne Hammer & Sickle ko vote kiya.
Hammer ne sab ko thoka, Sickle ne progress ko hi kaat ke rakha…

© Sunil Rajguru

Contemporary Nursery Rhymes for Modern India

Ba Ba Black Marketeer, have you any onions?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!
One for the hoarder, one for the middle man, one that’ll get rotten and thrown down the drain…
…but none for the little citizen who lives in India’s every lane!

Little Miss Gandhi,
Sat on a turret,
Counting her achievements of the day;
Along came a scamster,
Who sat down beside her,
and frightened her voters away.

Raja! Raja! Yes papa!
Eating spectrum? No papa!
Open your passbook.
Ha! Ha! Ha!

This version By Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 26

• By the time we die, I’m sure we’ll be able to sum up our life story in 140 characters.

• A definition of Globalization:
If there was no corruption in India, then the Swiss Banking System would collapse.

• A thought for today:
Never judge a Friend by his Status Messages.

• Remember: In India, a politician’s RTC beats our RTI.
(RTC=Right to Corruption)

• Right now there are many scams going around in your neighbourhood, city, state and country. Since most of them are undetected and invisible, you sleep well.

© Sunil Rajguru

Bollywood thoughts for 2011…

Shahrukh Khan: Ye 3 Idiots ne abhi tak 3 Khans ko overshadow kiya hai. Doosra ekdum Dabangg hai. Main Teesra Maar Khan raha jaunga kya? Nowadays, everybody’s Name is Khan, even Akshay Kumar’s! Par kya main phir se Don banunga? Kya Ra.One Raavan to nahin ban ke rahajaayega, jab ki mujhe Robot chahiye!

Anil Kapoor: No Problem, main Bollywood Race main hu ya nahin, Hollywood hai na!

Akshay Kumar: Kahin meri jawani chali to nahin gayi? 2009 ek Kambakkht Tasveer thi aur De Dana Dan flops se main Blue raha gaya. 2010 main sirf ek House Full tha, baaki sab Khatta Khatta 2009 ka Action Replayy tha. Aur ye bhi pata chala hai ki main Khan nahin hu, aur who bhi Tees Maar…

Hrithik Roshan: Guzaarish hain ki 2011 main phir se ek Kati Kite ki tarah na raha jau…

Ajay Devgn: Once Upon a Time in 2010, main bana Bollywood Ka Super Hero, meri hi Rajneeti chali, koi Golmaal nahin! Abhi to dil jawan hai, Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji!

Abhishek Bachchan: Khela Main Jee Jaan Sey, phir bhi Raavan ban ke raha gaya aur abhi tak Paa ki saaya main hu. Kya mera Game 2011 main badlega? No Idea, sirjee!

Aamir Khan: Maine ghat ghat ka paani piya hai, ab thoda biwi ka Dhobi Ghat ka success ka paani pee lu!

Saif Ali Khan: Main kab se Kareena pe Kurbaan hu, main uska James Bond hu: Agent Vinod.

Ranbir Kapoor: Main Rockstar hu!

Rajnikant: Main kya soch raha hu, tumhe kya karna hai? Ye poori duniya hi meri soch hai! Sochna band karoonga to Bollywood hi gayab ho jaayegi, Mind it!

This version by Sunil Rajguru