Nehru-Gandhi dynasty musings…

I doubt there can ever be a Pappu Wave even within the Congress party.

Jab tak sooraj chaand rahega,
Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty bhaarat ko barbaad karega.

Anyone who thinks that only a PM’s son should be PM believes in both the caste system and eugenics.
#Pappu

Looking at his lineage, Pappu is probably the most secular politician in India.
Pity he has absolutely no other credentials.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a sonday 9…

Precious spit…
One day he was speaking very excitedly and some of his spit fell on my hands.
When I said it was bad manners he pointed angrily at my hand and said, “The DNA of that spit is 50% yourself and 50% the woman you love, so why are you complaining?”

The loooong weekend…
“What will you do if you could time travel?”
(Thinks)
“Hmm, I’d wear a shiny silvery suit, go back thousands of years and descend from a helicopter and declare: I am God. I created the world in one day and rested for six days.”
“What good would that do?”
“Why then, maybe the working week would last one day and we’d have a 6-day weekend!”

Civics classes…
He loves using big words and phrases. “Techincally” and “practically” are his favourites.
Sometimes if we tell him to do something he doesn’t like, he quips: I think that’s against my fundamental rights.
His classic was once when he was told to a lot of work and he said: I would call that “child labour” and since I’m below 14, it’s against the Constitution.
Now I never thought of those things when I studied Civics in school!

© Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday 8…

∙ When I told him the US was involved in the Afghanistan war, he was aghast.
“But didn’t Obama get the Nobel Prize for Peace?”
“Yes.”
“So is he allowed to do that?
“Yes.”
“Then he might as well attach his Nobel Peace medal to a Cruise missile and send it to Afghanistan!

∙ Once I was having trouble explaining how America is the most powerful country in the world.
He asked, “Is it so powerful that it can get hold of any country and tell it to commit suicide?”

∙ His cyber jargon is everywhere. I asked him why he hadn’t gone for a bath yet when he said, “The water is still loading.” (The bucket was still filling with water)

∙ When I couldn’t get the gift he wanted on the day of his birthday, I promised to get a small gift that day and his actual one later.
He was very pleased and then looked worried.
He asked, “I hope this is not what they call Corruption!”

∙ His idea of a “political” joke…
He flew a plane and said, “It’s not going high.”
Then he wrote something on it and threw it and it went pretty high.
“Guess what I wrote,” he asked and showed me the plane.
He had written “Petrol prices” on both sides.

∙ At times it is very difficult to react to their absolutely nonsensical statements…
Once when I was discussing Shakespeare, he commented, “Shakespeare was a punk. Everyone writes better than him nowadays.”
I have absolutely no idea where children get such ideas from nowadays.

∙ Whenever he does something without our permission, he says that he is doing it “illegally”.

∙ It was tough watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with him.
He demanded to know the exact physical and mental age of Brad Pitt at the beginning of every new scene.

∙ Once while discussing the future of civil aviation, my son commented that in 2100, Indian planes would be like passenger trains, stopping at every city and there would be vendors yelling “chai chai” in the aisles.

∙ Me: When I was of your age, I used to eat less than half the amount of chocolates you eat.
Him: That’s nothing, when I’ll be of your age, I won’t be eating chocolates at all!

© Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday 7…

∙ He says that his body clock is probably set according to a US time zone and not the Indian one.
That’s why he’s so hyperactive late in the night and lethargic in the classroom during the day!

∙ Nowadays when he’s done something bad, he demands that I shout at him in advance, so that he can tell me what wrong he’s done and why in peace without worrying about the consequences.

∙ Once he said, “Mujhe lobia ka gaana sun-na hai.”
(Lobia in Hindi=Black Eyed Peas in English)
(Or how Cool becomes Uncool)

∙ Once the menu for dinner was simple a dal-chawal.
He sighed and said, “Kya 1947 ka khaana khila rahe ho!”
When I asked him what he meant by that, he said, “I’m sure that when Mahatma Gandhi came home in that year, his wife must have fed him something like this.”

∙ Everything has to be said grandly.
Once he refused to do something because it was forbidden by his mother.
He declared, “It is against the Laws of Mamma!”

∙ “One of these days I’m going to hack into your website and go crazy there!”
Sigh, threats aren’t what they used to be!

© Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday 6…

∙ Sick and tired of hearing about problems with Pakistan and China, my nine-year-old son asks if India can declare independence from Asia and become an island once again as it was millions of years ago.

∙ When he’s optimistic about tomorrow, he uses the term “Bright side of the future”. Pessimistic: “Dark side of the future”.

∙ He prepared an airport with his blocks, tracks, toy planes and cars. At the end of it, he said, “OK now to organize for sponsorship before the inauguration,” and promptly sat down sketching billboard ads on a sheet of paper.
Then he held a plane in his hand and asked “Can you check from the window which direction the wind is blowing?” When I asked why, I was told that the plane always had to land or take off against the wind, something I had only explained to him some time back.
Talk about simple kid games!

∙ Children nowadays seem to be aware of all developments relevant to them. I don’t believe in Credit Cards so I always get away from buying anything for him off the Internet. One day, when I came home he promptly informed me that from now on I had no excuses for Web purchases as Flipkart accepted cash on delivery!

Overheard…

∙ You have to agree.
I can’t. For then both of us would be wrong!

∙ How was school today?
Terrible!
Why?
The whole class was in a state of shock!
Why?
The class teacher changed today.

∙ Can I use your cap?
Yes.
Sure?
Yes.
You won’t be angry?
Yes.
Great! I used it last week! Thanks!

∙ How soon will a spaceship reach Proxima Centauri if it travels at 10,000 times the speed of light?
But you can’t travel faster than the speed of light.
Says who? Haven’t you heard? Einstein is no longer right.
(Funnily, he seems to forget most of the things he reads in his text books, but nothing from newspapers or news channels.)

© Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday 5…

∙ After watching Novak Djokovic win in the 2011 Wimbledon men’s singles and Mahesh Bhupathi and partner lose in the mixed doubles, my 9-year-old son put forward a demand for a “Mixed Singles”.
“What’s that? It’s not even possible,” I dismissed him.
He replied, “Simple. One half of the draw will be male and the other half will be female. I want to see boys versus girls at the international level!”

∙ Once India needed 1 run off 60 balls to win.
“So India will win 100%?” he asked.
“100%!” I replied.
To which he said, “So can you say that the match is “fixed” at this stage?”

∙ Once when I was feeling really angry, he told me to watch the kid’s cartoon Shinchan.
“Why?”
“Watching Shinchan will give you such a headache that you will forget your anger!”

∙ While rolling down the glass of the car door he says, “I’m downloading the windows.” It’s uploading when they are being rolled up. The Internet generation I guess!

∙ My wife has caught on to him.
Once she was scrubbing his face real hard while cleaning it and he yelled, “God! Help me! Where are you?”
To that she replied, “Don’t worry he’s around somewhere and this time he’s on my side!”

© Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday 4…

1. I was playing with my son non-stop.
I said I wanted a break and also needed to grab a bite.
He got flustered and angry and yelled, “Why? Whatever for?”
Then he calmed down and smiled saying, “Aakhir aap bhi to insaan ho na?”
(Thank you kids for recognizing that parents are human too!)

2. One day I was surprised to see him with his eyes closed and hands folded, praying in front of the computer.
He was invoking the gods to win his Internet game!

3. I cleaned his room thoroughly and put fresh bedsheets and all.
He walked in, looked around and asked, “Is this what they call progress?”

4. We were watching a programme on alien abductions and they showed a man who had a mysterious object embedded in his arm. The doctors took it out and looked foxed.
“I bet it’s made in China,” quipped my son!

5. Me and my wife were discussing a newspaper article where a man sold his kidney to buy a ticket for the world cup final.
After India beat Sri Lanka in the final, he asked me, “Us aadmi ka kidney vasool ho gaya hoga na!” Paisa vasool I’ve heard, but this was a new one.

6. My son says that the word “super” is so outdated in today’s age.
“It’s the age of hyper,” he says.
So it’s hyper cool! Hyper man! He even says hyperb instead of superb.

7. I explained him the concept of a salt and pepper beard. Now every black beard is a pepper beard and every white beard is a salt beard.

8. When I explained him the concept of week days and weekends, he asked, “Is there such a thing as week year, where you work for 5 years and get off for 2 years?”

9. Kids are very conscious in using banned words in front of elders.
I heard him singing the hit song in the following manner…
Sheela ki jawani,
You just can’t say the next line!
Main tere haath na aani…

10. He was heartbroken to find out that cricketers played for money. He always thought they played for free, just for the sheer pleasure of cricket!

11. He was sitting in front of the TV with an untouched lunch plate.
“Oh God! I’m so hungry and I can’t eat.”
When I asked him why, he said, “My serial has gone on a break. Food doesn’t taste the same during an ad break and hence I have no choice but to wait!”

12. Cartoons are repeated endlessly and kids watch an episode dozens of times. So a common question is, “Why is he going to do that in the next scene? Why will that happen in the next scene?”

13. He still can’t get over the fact that the Chak de India film world cup doesn’t count as a world cup in real life too. “They played so well, didn’t they!”

14. When I said, “May you live a 100 years,” he replied, “May you live 50 billion years!”

15. On the last day before the vacations, he suddenly yelled, “Thank God! My worst nightmare is over!” When I asked him what, he replied, “Studies!”

16. I was playing cricket with my son. I got his wicket, clean bowled.
He stood his ground and challenged me saying, “The ball pitched more that 2.5 metres from the stump!”
When I ridiculed him for that, in the very next match he said, “I’ll play as long as there are no umpire reviews! Every decision has to be final!”

© Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday 3…

• One day when I dressed up really smartly, he said, “Wow! You’re looking as cool as an idiot!”
When I glared at him, he said, “What? Haven’t you seen 3 Idiots?”

• When I made him walk quite a distance once, he said, “God! I’m sure you made me walk at least a million millimeters today!”

• They say you need a good memory if you are a liar.
That applies to being a father too.
I often hear, “But last time you gave a different answer to the same question!”

• While watching the movie Kaminey on TV, after a couple of songs he said, “If one has a lisp and the other stutters, then how come they sing so well? This movie is illogical.”
And he stopped watching.

• When the cool Batmobile emerged in Batman Begins, all he could ask was, “Does he have a license for that thing?”

• He hates brushing his teeth.
One day he complained, “If all the children brush their teeth regularly, then what will all the poor dentists of the world do?”

• He has advice for my writing.
If ever you write a tragedy, then you should add at the end: “And they lived sadly ever after…”

• My wife got him a watch from New York.
He kept fiddling with it but couldn’t change the time to Indian time.
He tossed it aside and said, “Forget it, the watch is jetlagged.”

© Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday 2…

Once when I ended a theological argument with the sweeping statement, “God can do everything,” my son mischievously said, “God can’t do one thing, which man can do.”
“What’s that wise guy,” I asked.
“Pray to God,” he answered smugly.
When I gave him a blank look, he continued, “We can pray to God can’t we? But I don’t think God can pray to himself!”

***

My son has a priceless concept of Action Replays in real life. Anything you missed him doing or he did in school is enacted out in a painstakingly slow action replay from different angles.
Once when he was playing cricket with his friends and batting, an argument broke out on whether the ball had hit the stumps or not. “Wait,” he told his friends, “let me show you the action replay.” He did such a convincing action replay of the ball just missing the stumps by a whisker, that his friends actually believed him and he was declared not out unanimously.

***

He made me find out on the Net the name of the largest dinosaur that ever walked on this planet. When I told him, he ran to his mother and said, “Jaldi khana do, mere pet main sauroposeidons daud rahe hain!” (Give me food fast, there are sauroposeidons running in my stomach!)

***
I was watching a song of Rajesh Khanna and Sharmila Tagore, when my son asked, “Who are these people?” I told him that one was Akshay Kumar’s father-in-law and the other was Saif Ali Khan’s mother. He looked at me and said incredulously, “No way!” He doesn’t understand how that can be possible. But after that day, every old movie is starring Kareena Kapoor’s grandfather or Sunny Deol’s father or Ranbir Kapoor’s mother… If a yesteryear’s star is not related to one in today’s Bollywood world, he finds that pretty odd.

***

After I explained him all about cloning, the only thing he said was, “When I was born, why didn’t you make a clone of me? He could have done my homework while I could play all the time!”

***

© Sunil Rajguru

Every day is a Sonday…

• It was Children’s Day, so I decided to take care of my son’s every whim. Video Arcade Games. Pizza. Toy. The usual Pandering Stuff that any Suffering Parent will understand. But by evening, I was fed up as he and his friends were driving me up the wall.
On what felt like his thousandth request, I lost it and yelled, “I’ve had it with you rotten people.”
My son looked up, smiled and said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “Well father, today happens to be Rotten People’s Day so you’ll have to continue listening to us…” and promptly went on to his next demand.

***

• My son says that we have a Bigg Boss House. My Wife: Bigg Boss. My Son: Little Boss. Me: Contestant.

***

• On seeing a road sign that said No Free Left Turn:
“Do have to pay money if we turn left?”

***

• He first fought with us trying to convince us that there was such a thing as a tooth fairy. We relented and he kept his broken tooth under his pillow and as expected, we had to replace it with money.
In the evening when his friends came, he yelled at them:
“Hey dudes! I sold my broken tooth to my parents for two hundred Rupees!”

***

• When the train journey just seemed to be going on and on leaving him very tired and sleepy….
“Dad, we are not living right now, we are just surviving, right?”

***

© Sunil Rajguru

Sonny Quotes

• Question of the Son: AFTER getting the Nobel Peace Prize, can one do as much violence as one wants?

• My son says that it’s necessary for small kids to scream every now and then for no reason to reduce the stress in their life…

• “Son, whatever goes up, must come down”… “But Papa, that doesn’t hold true in space, right?” Sigh! Today’s kids: Try telling them anything at your own risk.

• My son calls me Tiger! Then he adds the National Geographic fact that tigers sleep about 20 hours a day and are irritable and angry during their waking hours.

© Sunil Rajguru

Sit still… you’re making me dizzy!

My son hates sitting and watching TV. No, it’s not what you think. He likes TV, but he hates sitting. Even if you tied him up on the sofa, he’d probably break free like Houdini. This is how he watches TV: He dances and waves his arms, running from one end of the room to another, eyes firmly glued to the TV. No matter how far or near he is; there’s an invisible thread running from his eyes to the TV screen.

Then there’s the beanbag. He keeps it in front of the TV and uses it as a Drop Zone: Jumping and falling on it non-stop. (Even his small friends have perfected that art) The beanbag has been repaired endless times. If it had any legs and life, it would have run away long ago. The rectangle in front of the TV is an irresistible playground that gets activated once you put on the idiot box.

Now all this makes my poor wife quite dizzy, especially the Hopping Maneouvre. That’s when he does a hopping marathon all over the room, till my wife can take it no more. So it would be apt to say that my son loves playing and watching TV. I should do a YouTube commercial “Walk when you watch” (TV) much like the “Walk when you talk” campaign.

While all this is fine (at least he’s not a couch potato, but a Jumping Potato), I dreaded the thought of taking him to the movie hall. How would he sit in one place for hours on end? Wouldn’t he get quite fidgety? In his fifth year of existence on this Earth, I decided to brave it and take him, just father and son. I was pretty apprehensive, I must say. All my life when I watched movies in halls, I was the first person to glare at parents of noisy/crying children and even indicate that they leave the hall if they couldn’t shut them up. Here was my bad karma ready to do a rebound and come down on me like a ton of bricks.

I failed to convince my son how watching an animation movie on a big screen was better than TV, but he agreed to come along as the multiplex was housed in his favorite mall. At the entrance to the hall, he asked me, “Do we really have to go in?” I’ve never seen a kid that less interested. Once inside he looked around and said, “So this is it, eh? Why is this place so dark and gloomy?” He then proceeded to run and slide all over the place. I lost my breath as I tried to keep up with him. (I don’t know why I bother)

“People will protest. They’ll kick us out of this place.”

“You always say that, but no-one ever says anything.”

I grabbed hold of his hand and said, “Time to go in.”

“Do we really have to go in?” he repeated.

Once inside he said, “This place is even darker and gloomier.” He then proceeded to run up and down the giant steps. This time, I exercised my will power and ignored him. When the movie finally started, I grabbed hold him and made him sit next to me. It lasted for maybe a minute. He was off again. I whispered loudly at him and stopped as a few people glared angrily at me. I watched helplessly as he started arranging the fallen head cloths of all the empty seats (and there were many of them!). No one seemed to notice or mind as he went past them in his marathon arranging expedition all the while saying loudly, “What a cinema hall! Nothing is in its right place.” (His grandmother’s strict fussiness for cleanliness and order fully coming to the fore)

I decided to brave it again and dragged him next to me. This time I succeeded for almost 5 seconds. He saw that one of the exits had been chained and locked. He ran to it, grabbed hold of them and started screaming at the top of his voice, “Let me out! Let me out!” This would have been a very cute scene at home and a heart-rending scene in a tragedy movie, but here, I was sure that we would be thrown out. Funnily the guard didn’t bat an eyelid and everyone else continued watching the movie in ignorant bliss. I hadn’t been to a hall for a couple of years. Had things changed? Were people more tolerant nowadays?

Then Praise the Lord! He finally decided to sit next to me. And I soon regretted it. It was “A question a second time”. While I still manage to handle his questions, the problem is that they would begin with a shrill and loud “Papa!” (Reminded me of the time when he did the only solo act of his Montessori class on a stage. He tapped the mike and found it to be off and screamed “Papa! The mike isn’t working!” just as it was put on!) And this time people did start staring at us, but more out of amusement than anger. When I felt that my head was about to explode, I whispered threats in his ear. He kept quiet but had an amused look on his face.

I guess he went to his next plan and started laughing at the top of his voice at every dialogue. He laughed and laughed and laughed and soon I couldn’t hear a single dialogue. Imagine a large dark cinema hall with everyone sitting in pin drop silence and one solitary child in the centre erupting in shrill laughter during a serious scene. The cringing father sitting next to him is me… (And still no-one threw us out)

Luckily it was interval time. I told him firmly that we were going home thanks to his behaviour. He looked at me condescendingly and said, “I never wanted to come here in the first place. You dragged me!”

When later his grandmother asked him how the movie was he said, “The bathrooms were nice bright and airy.” (The only thing he liked about the whole (mis)adventure)

***

After that I stopped taking him to movie halls, but my wife took up the challenge. Thank God he’s not indifferent now: He gets totally immersed in the plot. He watched open-eyed and open-mouthed Hrithik Roshan’s antics in Dhoom 2, wailed like if he was attending a funeral at Shah Rukh Khan’s death in Om Shanti Om and his shrill laughter still pervades the atmosphere of the hall when there’s a comic scene. The questions come loudly and frequently. He still takes off unexpectedly every now and then in the middle of a scene: Once a Jumping Potato, always a Jumping Potato.

Things weren’t any different when I took him to the planetarium. This time the man sitting next to him kept staring at us. Every question got a stare and I finally whispered to my son, “Keep quiet. See, you are disturbing that poor man there.”

The man leaned towards me and said, “Let him ask questions no! They are very interesting! Even I am enjoying them!”

Another round went to my son and I felt as if I had just lost the right to ask him to Shut Up at any hall for life.

© Sunil Rajguru