The UPA scams just go on and on…

Economic Reforms.
1. Rao.
2. Vajpayee.
3. Modi.
That’s it.
Manmohan was merely initially Rao’s assistant and then Sonia’s.

Axis Bank in the news for all the wrong reasons post #Demonetization.
Fun fact of the day…
Manmohan inaugurated the first Axis Bank then UTI Bank) in 1994.

Father of Acidic Reforms. (Spoilt politics)
Father of Uneconomic Reforms. (Corruption)
Anything but Father of Economic Reforms—That was Rao.

Father of Bionic Reforms. (Robot)
Father of Anaemic Reforms. (Low energy)
Anything but Father of Economic Reforms—That was Rao.

Manmohan Singh is 84.
And he still has to dance to Madam’s tunes.
Ghulam till I die!

Aam aadmi = Lakhpati.
Middle class = Crorepati.
Trader = Arabpati (100 crores).
Industrialist = Kharabpati (10,000 crores).
All scamsters = Neelpati (10 lakh crores).

Coal Minister innocent in Coalgate.
Economic whiz innocent in 2G.
Guess he’s snow white despite signing AgustaWestland files.

Deve Gowda was the Humble Farmer.
Manmohan Singh was the Fumble Harmer.

To think that Sonia and Manmohan knew absolutely nothing of all the umpteen scams that took place during UPA rule is the height of naivety.

100 scams under Sonia’s UPA—They leave her totally alone. Totally.
Any move Modi makes big or small—Go batshit crazy & attack: Sparta!!!

UPA did 0/10 things.
No outrage for first 7-8 years.
Modi does 5/10 things.
A. He’s doing these 5 things wrong.
B. Why isn’t he doing the other 5 things?

Sonia’s UPA did scam upon scam and no-one attacked her, investigated her or went after her.
Modi’s every bold positive move is attacked viciously.

With the way he’s blabbing non-stop, looks like the P in P Chidambaram stands for Pappu.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan Singh and Narendra Modi are same to same…

Manmohan and Modi did the same number of foreign trips in a year.
The former’s trips were just formalities however.

Manmohan and Modi gave the same number of official speeches in a year.
You just didn’t hear the former however.

Manmohan and Modi both worked in office all day.
The former just worked like a glorified clerk and not a CEO however.

Manmohan and Modi both didn’t take money.
The former allowed everyone else to take but.

Manmohan (2009) and Modi (2014) both won mandates for their party.
The former handed it on a platter to Pappu but.

Manmohan and Modi both sat on the nation’s highest chair.
The former handed over the authority to someone else but.

© Sunil Rajguru

India sinking…

The UPA should be renamed Gravity.
It pulls everything down.

Father of the Nation = Narasimha Rao.
Godmother of the Nation = She Who Must Not Be Named.

Facebook to India: I’m also in the 100 Crore People Club
Ranbir to Khans: I’m also in the Rs 100 Crore Club.
$ to £: I’ll also be in Rs 100 Club soon!

Sitting in an auto looking at the rigged meter going up like crazy reminds you of the rate of Rupee, Petrol, Onion prices etc going up crazily too.

When Rupee touches 100 versus Dollar, we can switch to Cents.
Then it’ll be 1 Cent = 1 Rupee.
Oh wait, already roughly…
1 Penny = 1 Rupee.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

State of the nation in numbers…

Q: What’s common to Manmohan Singh and onions?
A: Both are 80. Both make you cry!

By a quirk of fate, India, Sonia and Rupee are all 66.

All Indian PMs have been older than India.
(They were born before Independence)
Modi could break this record.
P.S. Pappu is just older than Bangladesh.

Modi, 62.
Sonia, 66.
India, 66.
Rupee, 66.
Petrol, 76.
Onion, 80.
MMS, 80.
LKA, 85.
Sirf Pappu jawan hai!

True story.
Write a status message about the value of the Rupee (versus the dollar).
By the time you post it, the Rupee’s gone up again!

Rupee trolling and trailing Petrol saying…
Akele akele kahaan jaa rahe ho,
Hame saath le lo jahaan jaa rahe ho…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Government end of days musings…

All Congressmen and beat reporters have a Sonia App on their mobile.
The moment she’s Unhappy, the Status flashes on their screen.

What if in 2014?
The light at the end of the tunnel is actually the headlights of the oncoming Third Front Train.

The Congress general elections trilogy…
1977: Doom 1.
1989: Doom 2.
2014: Doom 3.

Filmi Singh is King released in 2008.
No sequel.
Political Singh is King released in 2009.
No sequel.

CongRace1: Nehru.
CongRace2: Indira.
CongRace3: Rajiv.
UPA3 ke baad kuch bhi nahin bachega.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan Singh and state of the nation musings 5…

Congress is like Internet Explorer.
Nobody wants it, but since it’s the default setting and many people are too lazy to change it or download something else, it still has 30-40% market share.

Jaane kahan mera file gaya jee.
Jaane kahan mera PM gaya jee.
Janne kahan mera Government gaya jee.
Jaane kahan mera desh ja raha hai jee.

Generations to come will scarce believe that a Prime Minister ruled India from 2004-14.
— (If) Albert Einstein (was alive today)

Dear Economy,
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
If NREGA don’t get you, Food Bill must.

Old: If you love her, give her diamonds.
New: If you love her, take her on a long drive in your petrol car and make Chicken/Paneer Do Pyaza just for her.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan Singh and state of the nation musings 4…

Singh = Sinking.
Sonianomics = Destructonomics.
Politics = Poli tricks.
Governance = Governone.
NREGA = India ka lega.
Food Bill = Final Kill.

The Gayab Sarkar…
Any ghotala: Files are missing.
Prime Minister on key issues: Words are missing.
Pappu during a crisis: His presence is missing.

There is a rumour that Paul McCartney was replaced with a look-alike in 1966.
The same thing may have happened to Manmohan Singh in 2009.

Q1: What do you think of Western civilization?
Mahatma Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Q2: What do you think of Indian Economy?
Manmohan Singh: I think it would be a good idea.

American: Day by day we can buy lesser and lesser stuff with $1.
Pappu: Wow! We are doing much better! In India, day by day you can buy more stuff with $1!

Sonia is totally pro-poor. She doesn’t want the poor to cry.
Proof: Onions have been taken totally out of the reach of poor.
They don’t have to cry while cutting them anymore.

Stock Market
Food Bill

It should be called IBR because…
India is Banking on its Reserves right now.

The Rupee comforts Indians…
Don’t worry.
I have a very long life.
I can go till 115-120 like some old people.
I am just 65 now.

CoalGate = Rs 2 lakh crore ghotala.
FoodBillGate = Rs 3 lakh crore ghotala potential?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan Singh and state of the nation musings 3…

His multiple choices …
a) First Manmohan Singh became Economist.
b) Second he became Bureaucrat.
c) Third he became Politician.
d) Finally he became “None of the Above”.

Q: What do you think of the Economy Problem?
Manmohan: Eco-No-My Problem!

The Great Depression has begun in India.
(It’s not just the economy stupid.
Every citizen is greatly depressed with Congress rule.)

In 2011, Congress entered quicksand.
Had they gracefully stayed still, they could have been saved.
But they have been pushing, screaming and kicking to go totally down under.

Citizen 1: There’s no evidence that he’s a politician.
Citizen 2: There’s no evidence that he’s an economist.
Citizen 3: There’s no evidence that he’s the Prime Minister!

Ship India is leaking and instead of plugging the holes, they are trying to plug the mouths of those pointing at the holes.

The 3 Ps of Sonia’s life are Party, Puppet and Pappu.

Like colleges have guest lecturers, India has a guest Prime Ministerial candidate.

The new Panchsheel of RTI…
1. Stall.
2. Refuse point blank.
3. Kill RTI activist.
4. Declare files missing.
5. Dilute with Amendment.

Manmohan Singh: The Father of Polinomics.
Half (Politicize economics)
+ Half (Economize politics)
= Zero.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan Singh and state of the nation musings 2…

The current crisis is much worse than 1991 because this time there’s no Narasimha Rao to bail us out.

Rupee. Petrol. Economy. Inflation. Corruption. Naxalism. Pak. China. 2G. Coalgate. Missing files. Opposition. Dissent. Parliament logjam…
Too many problems: Men freeze and do nothing.

When the Rupee, Onion and Petrol all touch Rs 80, petrol pumps ($1=1 litre) and vegetable vendors ($1=1 kg) will be told to accept $1 bills to solve the change problem.

Bhaag Files Bhaag.
Koyala kaala hai,
Badmasho ne paala,
Andar kaala, baahar kaala,
Sab ghotala hai saala…

The Father of Reforms: Narasimha Rao.
The Father of Deforms: Manmohan Singh.

Since 2004, Osama has been nabbed, Prabhakaran been killed, Mubarak has fallen, an African American has become US President…
Bas Manmohan nahin sudhrega.

The Coalgate files are not missing.
Their RTI access has been revoked for the common citizen.

Every morning MMS gets up hoping to make India a better place.
Every night he sleeps knowing he has failed.
Don’t worry. Just a few hundred days more.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan Singh and state of the nation musings…

Files go missing.
Goods go missing.
Grains go missing.
Money goes missing.
Rs 1.76L crore goes missing.
Prime Minister MSingh as good as missing.

Dear Prime Minister,
Tumhaare hazaron scams ke jawabon se damning hai ek scam ki files ki khaamoshi.

Sign in restaurant…
Please settle all your bills before you leave.
Sign in Indian Parliament…
Please settle all your Bills before you leave.

Mega film Coalgate =
Golmaal + Gayab + Kala Patthar + Koyla + Kaalia + Hera Pheri + How Green Was My Valley + Gunday.

Pluto downgraded. (Planet to Dwarf Planet)
Onion upgraded. (Food Crop to Cash Crop)

Agar koi Snowden-Assange type character Indian politics ke dealings expose kare to poora Encyclopaedia India-na bhar jaayega.

Food Security Bill = Economy Insecurity Bill.

Will the Kasab Biryani Fund now sponsor Abdul Tunda or will we have a new Tunde Kabab Fund?

The IAS should rename itself to the IPS…
Indian Politicians’ Servants.

The Full Circle Man…
When Manmohan entered politics, economy had crashed, now that he’s going it’s crashing again.
When Manmohan entered PM’s chair, Sensex tanked, now he’s going it’s tanking again.

A cat has 9 lives.
Congress has had 10.
(It has won 10 General Elections).
If they win in 2014, then it’ll be the BJP that’ll be dead.

Sholay 2014…
Loha (Congress) garam hai (reeling from scams/economy), maar do hathoda (Modi).

Manmohan: No going back to 1991.
What he meant: We have already passed it and gone into the 1980s.
Now 1970s beckon. (Garibi Hatao, Emergency, Opposition/People backlash, Anti-Congressism…)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Let’s all watch the UPA film…

Voter 1: This NDA film seems OK, but I am tired of it. Let’s try something new.
Voter 2: OK!

Voter 1: Picture kaisi thi?
Voter 2: Pata nahin chal raha hai, shaayad second half accha ho.
Manmohan: Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!
Voters: Theek Hai! Chal try karte hai!

Aila! Ye to horror film tha!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Rupaiyya aur Sensex to girta hi rahega…

How foreign currencies discuss the Rupee…
US$: Maine half-century maara.
Euro: Main century maarne wala hu.
UK Pound: Main nervous nineties main hu.
Kuwati Dinar: LOL! Maine kab ka double century maara!

Yesterday the Sensex said…
Bahut hua samman!
Netalog, Rupee sab gir rahe hai, main bhi girta hu!

Duck Tales…
2009-11: Duck Soup government.
2011-13: Lame duck government.
2013-14: Dead duck government.
2014: Sitting Duck for polls?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru