Enjoy your movie and tell the whole world to SOD off!

There is no such thing as a good movie or a bad movie.

Every movie is unreal and basically a lie trying to sell itself to every member of the audience.

It all boils down to Suspension of disbelief (SOD).

When this phrase was first used for books, the onus was on the reader and not the writer to achieve SODhood.

That’s the same thing with movies.

The viewer can either choose to happily believe what he sees (=SOD) or go on with his utter disbelief  (=absence of SOD).

If a viewer achieves SODhood, then he even delights in the little things.

If he doesn’t achieve SODhood, then even a brilliant piece of cinematic work will look ridiculous.

That’s why a movie that is considered “greatest ever” by a critic is considered utter trash by millions of viewers.

And vice versa!

Even the worst of movies will end up finding a small fan following.

Even the best of movies will find some fierce critics.

There are many important ingredients of movie making.

But the most important ingredient of movie watching is simply SOD!

SOD is in your head and no-one really knows when, why and how the SOD factor will kick in—or not!

But it’s the difference between a SODingly good movie and one which makes absolutely no SODing sense.

So basically if you enjoy a movie, just enjoy it and tell the whole world to SOD off!

© Sunil Rajguru

Why only PJ? Why not BR32PDJ?

Tired of “Good Joke” and “Poor Joke” being just about the only ways to classify jokes, The Indian Institute of Social Welfare for Jokes has decided to introduce a brand new classification scheme.

When you listen to a joke, weigh in your mind how good or bad it is and classify accordingly…

FBCJ: Forbes Billionaire Class Joke.

RJ: Rich Joke.

MCJ: Middle Class Joke.

PJ: Poor Joke.

RPJ: Really Poor Joke.

BPLJ: Below Poverty Line Joke.

DCJ: Destitute Class Joke.

And finally, the absolute worst of all jokes…

BR32PDJ: Below Rs 32 Per Day Joke.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Oh Lord! We are thankful for…

OK, the Congress Government is under a lot of flak and everything seems to be going totally wrong.

However, it has still given us many things to be thankful for…

(Don’t they tell us to count our blessings?)

Dear Sonia Gandhi,
Thank you for not becoming Prime Minister in 2004, a move that would have turned the country’s top post into a 24X7 tamasha by your belligerent detractors.
Thanks for engaging Civil Society in the decision making process even though, like RTI, it has turned totally against you in the end.

Dear Manmohan Singh,
Thank you for being an honest and clean head of state in this cesspool of corruption, even though you couldn’t do anything about it, or maybe you have, merely by letting it out in the open.
Thanks for never ever have used bad, unparliamentary or abusive language, like many other so called great politicians and for always conducting yourself with dignity and grace.
Thanks for your concern over nuclear energy.
Who knows, it may yet become India’s best idea in 20-30 years!

Dear Kapil Sibal,
Thank you for getting those pesky telecallers off my back!
Thank you for at least trying for a badly needed major educational reform in this country.
If you were a little less arrogant, then people might actually notice your many achievements.

Dear Jairam Ramesh,
Thanks for scuttling a lot of schemes that would have otherwise destroyed the environment and at least trying sincerely for much needed land reforms in the country.

Dear Ajay Maken,
Thank you for taking on rich powers like the BCCI and not giving tax rebates to even richer sports like F1.

Dear Mani Shankar Aiyar,
Thank you for being the biggest critic of your own government.

Dear Digvijay Singh,
Thank you for providing so much fodder to cartoonists and humour writers.
Without you, India would be a much less interesting place than it is now.

Dear Rahul Gandhi,
Thank you for not becoming Prime Minister… yet. You will definitely get that post one day, it is your birth right, but you haven’t earned it… yet.

Dear Congress,
Thank you for giving this country political stability in the last seven years despite having just 27% seats in the Lok Sabha from 2004-09 and 38% thereafter.

Yours Gratefully,
Sunil Rajguru

Chaos and the Bellary Butterfly Effect

Timeline: 2004 to 2011

Voters to BJP: Thanks for everything, but your services are no longer required.

BJP to RSS: Thanks for everything, but your services are no longer required.

RSS to Advani:
Thanks for everything, but your services are no longer required.

Advani to Yeddy: Thanks for everything, but your services are no longer required.

Yeddy to Reddys: Thanks for everything, but your services are no longer required.

Reddys to Bellary: Thanks for everything, but your services are no longer required.

Bellary to Itself: Kyunki mining services bache hi nahin hai. Maine kisi ka kya bigaada re, ki main aisa ujad gaya! Sab ke jebe bhar bhar ke main khud kangaal ho gaya hu!

How green was my valley!

The Butterfly Effect: The flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Mexico can unleash a tornado in the US.

The Bellary Butterfly Effect: The flapping of ballot papers in Delhi can unleash an environmental and economic tornado in Bellary.

This version by Sunil Rajguru

Robert Frost in the 21st Century…

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have many Facebook profiles to peep,
And so many emails all in a heap,
Science has taken such a gigantic leap,
For its rewards I have to stay up 24X7 to reap,
I also have so many silly little promises to keep,
(Sleep? My alarm clock keeps going beep beep,
And then I just feel like going weep weep…)
And I have miles of virtual words to key in before I sleep…
And miles to go (in circles I think) before I sleep.

With due apologies to Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

This Spoof by Sunil Rajguru

The day Indira Gandhi died…

“Where were you when… such and such a thing happened?” is such a cliché.

But you still want to task that question.

Today is October 31, the day Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated.

I was a school student when it happened in 1984, and certain things still stick to this very day…

AIR revives Indira: In the ghastly act, her guards pumped 30 bullets into her body at about 9.30 in the morning. She was officially declared dead by the doctors an hour later. But since President Zail Singh was out of the country, the government didn’t declare the news before evening time.

Doordarshan kept saying that she was “serious” all day. One All India Radio broadcast in the afternoon even said something to the effect of: According to unconfirmed sources, she may have regained consciousness!

Such a media blackout is unthinkable in today’s Twitter Age where everything breaks instantaneously and universally. Of course everyone knew the truth in India through word of mouth, but there were still many who thought she would survive till the official confirmation finally came.

The Kid on the Bike: The moment we got the news, one of my school seniors and neighbours screamed “Indira is dead: Now Vajpayee will be Prime Minister!” After that he cycled all day in the neighbourhood shouting “Vajpayee for Prime Minister.”

To me it seemed quite bizarre considering the fact that I had heard Vajpayee’s name for the first time in my life. But his words became prophetic as Atal Bihari Vajpayee did indeed become PM after 12 years.

The Fateful Speech:Mere khoon ka ek ek katra is desh ke liye kaam aayega,” (Every drop of my blood will serve the nation) is a popular statement she made in a political rally days before she died.

This was the talking point for everyone for months on end after Indira’s death.

But when I entered journalism, some seniors told me that she never made such a statement.

It was a figment of the Congress’ imagination and part of their propaganda!

Seven Years Later: In 1991 Indira’s son, former PM Rajiv Gandhi, was also assassinated. But this time it was after 10 in the night when half of India was either asleep or blissfully unaware of the tragic news.

I fell into the latter category. I took my morning walk and when I returned home I saw (what was to me at least) the most shocking “Breaking News” ever.

“Rajiv Assassinated” was above the Times of India masthead.

My late sister’s journalism teacher had told her that such an event was a rarity and happened very few times in a newspaper’s lifetime.

Of course, now the times have really changed.

Today if you are a rich industrialist with a few crores to spare, then you may be able to announce your son’s birthday above the Times of India masthead, with the way it’s going!

© Sunil Rajguru

Ra.One: Just one question for every one…

Dear Shahrukh Khan,
Have you ever played with a single video game in your entire life?

Dear SRK’s son,
Beta, are you aware that your father made a movie just for you and got the whole country to pay for it?

Dear Anubhav Sinha,
Are you aware that unless you tell SRK to act, he doesn’t?
(The same goes for Kareena.
And Priyanka, were you high during the shoot?)

Dear Shekhar Subramanium,
How come you have such a fake Tamil accent while speaking in English and none when mouthing Hindi wisdom?

Dear Ra.One,
“Waaah!!! I wanna finish my game. Waaah!!! I wanna finish my game. Come back or else…”
Are you for real?

Dear Kareena,
When is your next movie with SRK?
(Asoka was in 2001.
Ra.One in 2011.
Hope the next one isn’t before 2021.
Somehow you bring out the worst in him)

Dear Story Writer,
Do you exist?

Dear Special Effects Team,
Hollywood is impossible, but couldn’t you have at least come somewhere near Krrish or Enthiran?

Dear Marketing Team,
Who was the movie’s target audience?
(If it was for adults, then it’s way too childish.
If it was for children, then the language and one-liners are way too offensive)

Dear Prudes,
When any non-offensive movie comes, you go over the top protesting it all the same. Here’s a movie that is offensive towards Tamilians, Chinese, Gays… not to mention “sick sexual jokes in a kid’s movie” and there’s just a faint murmur.

Random Access One? Even if I Randomly Access all my memories, then I can’t think of One redeeming point!

© Sunil Rajguru

Strange co-incidences of the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty…

After Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru, members of the ruling Nehru-Gandhi dynasty were born on different days of the week…

Indira Gandhi… November 19, 1917… Monday.

Raihan Vadra… August 29, 2000… Tuesday.

Priyanka Vadra… January 12, 1972… Wednesday.

Feroze Gandhi… September 12, 1912… Thursday.

Rahul  Gandhi… June 19, 1970… Friday.

Sanjay Gandhi… December 14, 1946… Saturday.

Rajiv Gandhi… August 20, 1944… Sunday!

Interestingly, Feroze, Indira, Sanjay and Rajiv all died on different days too!

The world is full of such co-incidences, though no-one quite knows what they mean.

(Note: Feroze and Indira’s two sons were Rajiv and Sanjay. Rajiv’s two children are Rahul and Priyanka. Raihan is Priyanka’s eldest child. Rahul is unmarried.)

These calculations by Sunil Rajguru

News in Limericks 4

There was this movie called Ra.One,
Which was worse than this film called Raavan,
But it made its crores n crores n crores,
Despite all its bores n bores n bores,
Aur abhi viewers ka aa gaya hai maran!

There was this concert of Metallica,
That finally hit New Delhi in India,
But it quickly became a no show,
And the fans just didn’t want to go,
Aur sab ne mil kar stage ka barricade ko hi phod diya!

There was this Team of the Anna,
Jiska unity gaya khaane ganna,
One talked Kashmir and two did quit,
The others didn’t like it one little bit,
Aur ab credibility solah aane se ho gaya chaar aana!

There was this man called Diggy Raja,
Jiska jab dekho bajta tha baaja,
He talked n talked and talked,
And talked n talked and talked,
Hey Bhagwan Bharat ko kyun dee itni badi saza!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Yet more DRPJs (Diggy Raja PJs)

∙ Diggy Raja’s infalliable logic…
The RSS was founded in 1925.
That proves that everything that went wrong in India over the last 86 years is the fault of the RSS!

∙ Someone recently said that Diggy Raja is not part of the Government.
That’s false.
He’s the Lifelong and Honorary Minister of State for Spin.
A Bollywood film of his life story will be called Wag the Cow.

∙ Once Diggy Raja was presented with a box of oranges.
He called the police.
Nagpur is famous for oranges and also the founding of the RSS.
There are no such things as co-incidences.

∙ The RSS wanted Tere Sang to be banned because a 15-year-old girl gets pregnant in that Bollywood movie.
Diggy Raja wanted it banned because he thought it was part of the Sangh Parivar and spelt as Tere Sangh.

∙ Why doesn’t Diggy Raja celebrate Vijay Dashami?
Because the RSS was founded on that day!

∙ Another Faaltu full form of RSS…
(Diggy) Raja’s Swayam-banaye-hue Surmises.

∙ During Independence, some Congress leaders wanted the RSS to merge with the Congress.
That contradiction made Diggy Raja’s head spin.
His head is still spinning.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Star Wars and Corruption Wars

Inspired by the two Hollywood Star Wars trilogies, Bollywood is making its own Corruption Wars trilogies. A sneak peek at what they are all about…

Episode I: The Anna Menace.
A fasting Yoda-like Phantom Hazare bursts into the national scene foxing the high and mighty of the land. He is being compared to Mahatma Gandhi. But doesn’t the Mahatma copyright lie solely with the Congress Empire? Sacrilege!

Episode II: The Attack of the Clones.
Main bhi
Anna, tu bhi Anna, saara desh hai Anna! Anna topis everywhere! Another copyright infringement on the Mahatma Gandhi topi legacy! But how does an Empire fight against thousands of Anna Clones?

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.
Both the Apprentice (Prime Minister) and Master (Congress Empire President) take their revenge when they end the Fast, agitation, get the Parliament to promise absolutely nothing concrete and after a few weeks it’s business as usual.

Episode IV: Corruption Wars: A New Hope.
But the fight against corruption continues and the Congress Empire keeps going on the backfoot as more and more skeletons keep jumping out of the closet. Tihar keeps adding more and more politicians. Bad news just refuses to go away even as offices like the CAG and courts tighten the screws.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.
The Jedi brotherhood is almost disbanded. Team Anna is in total disarray. Hazare is on a maun vrat. Prashant Bhushan has been neutralized. Kiran Bedi faces corruption charges herself. Arvind Kejriwal has the I-T sword hanging on his head. Two other members quit and Justice Hegde has serious doubts about the whole campaign.

Episode VI: Return of the Anna.
Can Anna Hazare make a comeback? Can he silence his critics once and for all? Can he keep his promise to the nation? Can a strong Lokpal Act finally become a reality? Will electoral reform happen? This concluding trilogy is among the most eagerly awaited blockbusters in recent times.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru