10 things that could happen if Narendra Modi became Prime Minister of India…

1. Every price rise, inflationary trend, national tragedy… would be prefixed with “In a blow to Modi…”

2. Every Government scheme would be prefixed with “Sonia unhappy as…” or “Advani disappointed as…” or Rahul angry as…”.

3. Some would be tempted to call him “Alleged Prime Minister”.

4. The media would announce that they are no longer government stooges but “proudly anti-establishment”.

5. The Ministry of External Affairs would hold Passport/Visa Help camps all over the country to help all those people who threatened to quit the country if Modi became PM.

6. The Modi Industry would seek FDI to keep afloat.

7. MPs would petition the Nobel Committee to revoke Barack Obama’s Peace Prize if he invited Modi to the US.

8. Critics would start counting the years in terms of AG (After Godhra).
For example…
Modi became PM of India in 12 AG.

9. His supporters would start calling him Mahatma Modi.
(Jab critics bina wajah ke use gira sakte ho, to fans bina wajah usko chadayenge kyun nahin?)

10. Alternatively, such scenarios could be also become common…
Anchor: And in a blow to Modi…
(Aide whispers into anchor’s ear: Sir no more Bharat Nirman ads. All Congress funding has dried up.
Anchor: Do you think BJP will do the same and oblige us?
Aide: Why not try it out?)
Anchor: And in a blow to Sonia…

© Sunil Rajguru

The biggest question…

In the last couple of years in politics…

Biggest scam: Coalgate.

Most high profile scam: 2G.

Biggest contradiction: MMS is Coal Minister and economic whiz (2G) and yet not accountable.

Biggest scam to claim a CM: Adarsh.

Most scams: UPA2. (All-time record)

Most powerful person: Sonia.

Biggest irony: Sonia gets minimum blame.

Most narcissist leader: Maya. (Statues! Statues! Statues!)

Most paranoid leader: Mamata. (Maoist! Arrest them! Conspiracy!)

Most arrogant: The average Congress spokesperson.

Most Draconian legislation: Section 66A.

Most idiotic statements: Diggy Raja.

Most reluctant leader: Pappu.

Most high-handed action: Water cannons against the anti-rape protestors.

Most riots: UP.

Most fake encounters: UP.

The biggest disappointment: Akhilesh.

Most irrelevant leader: Advani.

The biggest headaches for the aam aadmi: Economy, inflation, petrol-onion prices, job market, agricultural woes…

The biggest question…
If this is the case, then why is most of the time spent in rubbishing, attacking, maligning and going after Modi?

© Sunil Rajguru

More on Advani and Modi’s PM dreams…

Most TV anchors have just stopped short of wearing “I love Advani” T-shirts.

Elsewhere…
62-year-old retires to pave way for new generation.
Here…
62-year-old struggles to retire 85-year-old to launch new generation.

Advani, the 100% man…
1% relevant in Politics.
99% relevant in Political Analysis.

The NaMo Rocket…
Stage 1: Can’t stay as CM.
Stage 2: Can’t be PM candidate.
You are now entering Stage 3…
Can’t be PM.

Friday the 13th.
Lucky for some. (#NaMo)
Unlucky for others. (Too many to list!)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Advani and Modi’s PM dreams…

Advani: From Giant to Pygmy…
1991: Future PM.
2002: Deputy PM.
2009: Shadow PM.
2013: Overshadowed by Shadow PM.

Jab tak sooraj chand rahega,
Advani ko PM ka sapna rahega.

Modi was dead and buried in 2009.
Congress self-goals have revived him.
So if Modi becomes PM in 2014, Pappu’s first statement will be…
Modi kaun laya?

If 10 RSS men are charged in a riot, then Modi is guilty and must be hanged.
If 10 Central Ministries are charged with corruption, then Manmohan and Sonia are squeaky clean.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Manmohan Singh and state of the nation musings 7…

Beta, tu bada ho kar kya banega?
Beta: (Chup).
Beta, tu bada ho kar kya banega?
Beta: (Chup).
Beta, tu bada ho kar kya banega?
Beta: Arre! Kabse Manmohan ki acting kar raha hu!

Three reasons why the economy collapsed…
1. Finance Minister took wrong decisions.
2. FM took wrong inputs from PM.
3. PM took wrong inputs from Sonia.

Andhra Congressman: Sir our State is on autopilot. How long can such a situation last?
Manmohan Singh: Don’t worry! I put India on autopilot in 2004. It’s still running, na?
#TheekHai?

Manmohanomics Version 1.0, 1991-96: Decent performance.
Manmohanomics Version 2.0, 2004-13: Full of bugs, glitches, hangs frequently, F1 not working, but works silently.

One Finance Minister’s lonely.
Two’s company.
Three’s a crowd (and mess).
(=Manmohan+Chidu+Pranab)

Finance Minister’s blame game…
Chidu: Mere pahale Pranabda tha.
Pranabda: Mere pahale tu tha!
Chidu: Tab mere pahale Jaswant tha!
Jaswant: Aur mere baad tu. Financial cycles seedhe chalte hai ya reverse main?

Rupee?
Sy₹ia! P₹anab!
Blame it on anything but $ingh.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

How Manmohan Singh is still King…

Singh is sinKing.

Singh is shrinKing.

Singh is wrecKing.

Singh is panicKing.

Singh is breaKing.

Singh is faKing.

Singh is choKing.

Singh is creaKing.

Singh is forsaKing.

Singh is hoodwinKing.

Singh is backtracKing.

Singh is unmaKing.

Singh is cracKing.

Singh is mismaKing.

Singh is mistaKing.

Singh is mythmaKing.

Singh is ransacKing.

Singh is ShylocKing.

#TheekHai?
#MMS

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Gali gali main shor hai, mera PM…

Gali gali main squeak hai,
Mera PM weak hai,
Dus saal main seekh ye,
Mera PM meek hai,
Aakhir main sab #TheekHai.

The movie on UPA’s #DecadeOfDecay will be called…
ChitChor.
Why?
Because it’s full of “Chors” all of whom have been given clean “Chits”.

PM: The core issue is you!
Opposition: The chor issue is you!

UPA + Utopia
= UPAtopia
= Upar se topi pahana liya.

When he should speak, he keeps quiet.
When he speaks, no-one listens.
His economics don’t help the economy.
His politics don’t help the polity.

A movie on Manmohan Singh’s life would be called O.H.M.S.
On Her Majesty’s Service.
He has been serving the Dynasty and not the nation since 1998.

Tweet Tweet main shor hai,
Mera PM chor hai.
#PMChorHai

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When Manmohan turned into a joke…

Rajinikanth released Robot in 2010 and it ran for many weeks.
But that’s nothing.
UPA released Robot in 2004 and it’s still running!
#TheekHai?

For years, I was tired that India was a #ChaltaHai nation.
But Manmohan has single-handedly transformed that.
Now we are a #TheekHai nation.

But seriously!
2011: How can you joke about Manmohan? The poor man is trying his best!
2012: Did you hear the joke about Manmohan?
2013: Manmohan is a joke!

PM: Opposition ko jalakar raakh kar doonga!
Q: But what about economy, governance etc?
PM: Hehe, woh to already raakh ho chuke hai, #TheekHai?

The superlatives…
UPA=Most corrupt <But> MMS=Most honest.
Sonia=Most powerful <But> Sonia=Least accountable.
Pappu=Most promising <But> Pappu=Least achievements.

PM: Have you heard any country where MPs shout “PM chor hai”?
A: No, very few countries in the world speak Hindi.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When Manmohan lost his cool in the Rajya Sabha…

Manmohan: So how did I do today?
Social Media Unit: Great sir! #PMChorHai is trending right at the top!
Manmohan: #TheekHai
Social Media Unit: Hehe, that’s a classic sir!

Gali gali main shor hain,
PM ke speeches bore hai.

Gali gali main chor hai,
Ye sab khaali shor hai.

The new “na ghar ka na ghat ka”…
Bharat ka Pradhan Mantri na economics ka na politics ka.

MMS: Madam madam, ye sab log mujhe chor bol rahe hai!
Pappu: You’re like Rani ki Jhansi… Lot of anger in you… Must be checked… It’s all a state of mind… Rajya Sabha is a beehive…
MMS: #TheekHai

Manmohan Singh taught me…
1. Money doesn’t grow on trees.
2. Theek Hai.
3. India only country where MPs shout PM chor hai.
4. N-deal most important thing from 2004-13.

Which country in the world?
1. PM = Puppet.
2. PM refuses to give regular PCs.
3. Scams’ record broken.
4. Food Bill to counter economic crisis.
5. A private citizen’s name at airports.

Finally released in Rajya Sabha in 2013…
Kab Tak Chup Rahunga?
Manmohan Singh Ko Gussa Kyun Aata Hai?

Progress…
1980s—Slogan in streets: Gali gali main shor hain, Rajiv Gandhi chor hai.
2013—Slogan in Parliament: PM chor hai.

Pappu: Lot of anger in India. Must be checked.
Manmohan: Sabse jyaada gussa to mujhe aa raha hai!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Modi-Rahul PM musings…

· Modi is like a hare.
Rahul is like a tortoise.
Sigh!
And we know who wins that race.

· While Modi has mastered the online medium, I wonder if Rahul Baba can even spell “Internet”.

· Modi’s PM candidature: Is the glass half full or half empty?
Rahul’s candidature: The glass is empty.
(Positive spin: It is full of air.)

· Ho sakta hai Modi even 50% phekta hoga apne speeches main.
But other politicians talk 100% nonsense.
50% > 0%.

· In software, subsequent versions get better.
In the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty, subsequent versions steadily get worse.

· Nitish is petrified that under Modi it will become a National Dictatorial Alliance.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Modi-Rahul PM battle…

· Nitish: Ek mayaan main do talwaar nahi raha sakte…
Modi: Woh to theek hai, par doosra talwaar kahaan hai?

· That Modi is an extremely boastful character, especially when compared to Rahul!
(That Modi has many achievements to boast of and Rahul has none is a different story altogether.)

· Like Good Cop Bad Cop, Modi and Rahul play Good PM Bad PM regularly.

· Since we call him NaMo, why don’t we call the other guy RaGa?

· Action speaks louder than words.
In Rahul Gandhi’s case, his action is mute and his words say even less.

· Modi can’t spell agriculture.
Congress can’t spell grace, humility, honesty and maybe even governance.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

March 2012 Status Updates

∙ Bottle main ganda pani hain, par dhakkan saaf hai.
(Reference: PM & Defence Minister)

My name is Anthony AK,
Main Defence Ministry main akela hu,
Resolve bhi hai khali, trust bhi hai khali,
Isme rahegi koi na koi controversy,
Hay scam offer yaad aaye jab chahe chale aaye,
Raisina Hill New Delhi kholi number 420…

∙ India invented Zero.
Sachin re-invented ZeroZero.
Indian politicians created ZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZeroZero… scams.

(March 30)

∙ Handle violent protests with non-violence.
Handle non-violent protests with violence.
That seems to be the UPA policy right now.

∙ For the UPA, 2011 was Anna horribilis.
But if the Lokpal gets passed this year, it’ll be Anna mirabilis.

∙ How Tatragate will be handled…
Antony to PM: Monitor! Monitor! My General is misbehaving!
PM to Sonia: Teacher! Teacher! What should I do?

∙ Seen in a different light, Gen Singh is merely fighting a War Against Financial Terrorism.

∙ India is a trillion dollar economy.
ScamIndia is a trillion dollar economy.

∙ Overheard…
Govt: That’s not the truth
Gen Singh: The truth? You can’t handle the truth!

(March 29)

∙ Every night they brush their teeth with Coalgate and still wonder why their teeth are so black.

∙ Facts of the day…
Dravid is the Wall.
Congress is the Gate.
(Coalgate, 2Gate, Adarshgate… make your own gate).

∙ When will this BSY Bele Bhath go thanda in Karnataka?

∙ The CAG has put the government in coald storage.

∙ Bypoll news: Cong wins in Karnataka, Gujarat. TRS wins in AP.
Analysis: BJP loses in Karnataka, Gujarat. Congress loses in AP.

∙ The Republicans should look towards a Joint Presidency bid to have a ghost of a chance against Obama in the upcoming elections.

∙ 2G has made the UPA a 0G (Zero Governance) government.

(March 23)

∙ US: I-wreck and then I-run leaving everyone stranded in the middle.
—Eh! So that’s their Iraq-Iran-Middle East policy?

∙ In CAG, C now stands for Coal, A for Air India and G for Generations of mobile telephony scams.

∙ UPA: Hum poverty ka band baja nahin sakte to kya hua? Hum poverty line ka hi band bajayenge.

∙ Give a man a long Rope and hang him.
Give the world economy a long Europe and hang it.

∙ Kingfisher and RCB are still having a severe financial hangover.
That shows that you shouldn’t mix your drinks—or industries!

∙ If Trinamool withdraws support and SP steps in then will UPA2 be called UPA Version 2.1?

(March 22)

∙ The Ctr C Ctr V anthem…
Status message koi lift karta hain to karne de,
Is rang badalti
cyberduniya main kya tera status message hai, kya mera status message hai?
Aasu na baha, fariyaad na kar…

∙ Whenever Sachin scores a century, India doesn’t win the match…
This statement has been holding true for 500+ consecutive days now.

(March 21)

∙ Delayed Mahashatak PJ…
Anjali: How was your day?
Sachin: Sau sau.

(March 18 )

∙ Roller Coaster Super Friday
Morning Lead: Will the budget be good?
Noon Lead: Budget is bad!
Afternoon Lead: Will Sachin get his Mahashatak!
Evening Lead: Sachin gets his Mahashatak!
Night Lead: Bangladesh wins!
Final Lead: Both Common Man and Cricket Fan lose.

∙ It was the best of matches. It was the worst of matches.
Sachin fans got to see the 100th 100.
Sachin’s critics got to say “I told you so!”

∙ ABCD of today…
A for Allies cloud over UPA.
B for Budget of gloom from Pranabda.
C for Century of Centuries to wipe out all of the above.

∙ Actual quote of Pranabda…
I must be cruel (to the common man) to be kind (to the government).

∙ Colours of the Budget…
Token White Paper on Black Money even as White Money is in the Red and the Common Man is going to be beaten Black & Blue. Saffron and Red see a Green light for 2014…

∙ The Mahashatak question…
If not today, then when?
If not against Bangladesh, then against who?

(March 16)

∙ Rahul Gandhi is a VVIP.
(Very Very Irrelevant Person.)

(March 12)

∙ Three step procedure for Rahul Gandhi to revive himself.
1. Quit the party.
2. Emigrate.
3. Enjoy life.

(March 11)

∙ Dear Rahul Dravid,
Please postpone your retirement to 2014.
Then you can take over from Rahul Gandhi.
You’d make a better PM than him.

∙ Dear Congress,
Happy Holi.
P.S. Please use other colours to hide your being beaten black and blue.

∙ Guess Mayawati must see it all as a conspiracy to spoil Women’s Day (Sonia may agree).

(March 8 )

∙ Rahul campaigns in Bihar. Cong gets 4 seats. Chauka!
Rahul campaigns in UP. Cong gets 6 more seats. Chakka!
Don’t worry Rahul, tumhara 2014 LS polls main just about Shatak poora hoga.

∙ Final UP tally…
Goonda Raj & Sons: 224 seats.
Megalomaniac Behenji: 80.
Confused National Party: 47.
Absentee Future PM: 28.

(March 7)

∙ Overheard….
If 100 seats is a fig leaf, does 50 seats count as half a fig leaf?

∙ UP polls…
Haath aur haathi ko haath,
Cycle nahin, baap beta ka tandem hai,
Kamal: Begani shaadi main Abdulla deewana…

∙ Don’t worry. Waise bhi Rahul beta ko pachaas ke aage ki ginti aati hi nahin hai…

∙ Psephologist (Noun, Indian definition) A fraud who gets paid to make a prediction and paid even more later on to explain why the prediction went wrong in the first place.

(March 6)

∙ Diggy Raja trashes the RSS.
Diggy Raja trashes the BJP.
Diggy Raja trashes exit polls.
Diggy Raja trashes…
Bottomline: Diggy Raja is trash.

(March 4)

∙ King Cong se g (Gandhi) gir raha hain to reveal King Con.

(March 3)

© Sunil Rajguru