Telangana musings…

In school: 22 states, 173 countries, 18 Jupiter satellites, 9 planets.
Now: 29 States, 206 countries, 120 Jupiter satellites, 8 planets.
Bechara ek Pluto hi underachiever nikla.

Q: What about Telangana-AP’s water division?
A: Don’t worry, voter division has been done.

Telangana decision explained…
United we stand (to lose Lok Sabha seats).
Divided we fall (so low and yet pick up the new State’s seats).

Instructions to Congress top brass…
Governance gaya tel lene, jab ghar aana, Telangana hi le ki hi aana, bhale hi saare India ke statehood demands pe bhi tel lagana.

The Congress is putting a huge amount of votes in the Votebank.
But it should note that like banks, even Votebanks can crash.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

States bantate chalo…

borders-2099205_640Please sing to the tune of Pyar bantate chalo from the movie Hum Sab Ustad Hain

(Reference: Andhra Pradesh to be bifurcated.)

Ho States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo,
Hey States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo,
Kya South ke, kya North ke, ye sab hain ready for katai,
States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo,
Hey, States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo.

Kaatna hai Centre kee nishanee, yeh buzurgo kaa kehana hai yaaro,
Ek hi saaj ke tar hain sab, par hamko mil jul ke rahna nahin hai yaaro,
Kaatna hai Centre kee nishanee, yeh buzurgo kaa kehana hai yaaro,
Ek hee saaj ke taar hain sab, hamko aur taare jodte rahana hai yaaro,
Hey socho kal kitne kam States the, dekho ab kitne hai,
Sabko le doobegi ye kaantne ki ladai,
States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo,
Hey States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo.

Telangana ye hai to Seemandhra tum ho, ye hai Bihar to Jharkhand tum ho,
Naam kuchh ho magar ye naa bhulo, sab se pahale to political victim tum ho,
Telangana ye hai to Seemandhra tum ho, ye hai Bihar to Jharkhand tum ho,
Naam kuchh ho magar ye naa bhulo, sab se pahale to political victim tum ho,
Hey bache hue States, kal ke liye tayyaar raho,
Tum se aur regional leaders kya kya ummeede hain lagi,
States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo…

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

(Original song: Pyar bantate chalo.
Film: Hum Sab Ustad Hain.
Year: 1965.)

BJP-Congress musings of the day…

No matter how much you shift the Poverty Line, the poor will neither notice nor care.

If the BJP comes to power in 2014, it would be of the Congress’ own doing.
Pappu will then pop the question…
BJP kaun laya?

PM stands for Passively Mute.
MMS stands for Multi-Million Scams.

Like watching a B-grade Bollywood movie with Raj Babbar as the villain, Pappu as the comedian, Diggy Raja as the bitchy gossipy Saas and MMS as the well-meaning Uncle who does nothing!

Political roadmap for India…
Turn Right.
Keep straight.
Make sure you make no more Left turns.

Raj Babbar: Rs 12 main aap pet bhar ke khaa sakte hai.
A: Rs 12 main to aapke bete ka film dekhte waqt ek mutthi bhar popcorn bhi nahin milega!

The sad truth…
Janata Dal: With 46 LS seats, I lasted nearly 2 years.
Congress: With 145 seats I lasted the full term.
BJP: With 161 seats I lasted 13 days!

If the BJP gets extinct after losing in 2014, then it will be a tragedy for even BJP-haters as India will enter a more hardline phase of Congress “dictatorship”.

We are friendly: Chidu.
(Section 66A. Water cannons. Protestors are “Maoists”. Inflation. Grim economy. Megascams. Angry allies. Arrogant spokespersons…)
We will be friendlier in 2014: Chidu.
Be afraid. Be very afraid!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The politics of death in India…

In this country, some martyrs are totally forgotten, others made martyrs to play political games.

Somewhere thousands of deaths are swept under the carpet; somewhere a death gets millions and millions of news bytes.

Millions die of hunger and millions die of an extra-rich diet.

A dead man can be officially alive and a living man can be officially dead.

Even a womb that gives life can be a brutal killing field in secret.

A death may be dubbed secular or communal even though a death is a death is a death.

Some person who has been dead for ages may be chargesheeted while another given the Bharat Ratna.

© Sunil Rajguru

10 things you can do if UPA3 comes to power in 2014…

1. Emigrate.

2. Commit suicide.

3. Demand that the BJP be banned permanently to avoid any future false hopes.

4. Demand that Modi be exiled for the sake of future peace.

5. Declare democracy dead, call ourselves a monarchy and abolish General Elections.

6. Spend like crazy. Money will soon become worthless anyway. Enjoy your last days.

7. Call him Mahatma Pappu, the official Father of the Nation.

8. Start and watch only 24X7 Diggy Raja TV. Anything anyone else says is worthless anyway in this regime.

9. Put pictures of the dynasty in your house and worship them.

10. Do away with Bills, let everything be decided via Ordinance. Why waste time debating the inevitable?

© Sunil Rajguru

Some political musings…

Running in the Planning Commission for goodness knows how many years…
Bhaag Gareebi Rekha Bhaag!

Mumbai: Babbar Jodi=2 two boiled eggs.
Delhi: Masood meal=Half a handful of groundnuts.
Kashmir: Farooq meal=Waiter laughs in your face for 1 minute and goes. You give him Re 1 for his performance.

Would be PMs…
Most dynamic: Netaji.
Solidest: Patel.
“Right” economist: Rajaji.
Fairest/most balanced: Rajendra Prasad.
We got: Nehru.

Bollywood: Khullam khulla pyar karenge hum dono…
Politics: Khullam khulla scams, nepotism, favouritism aur arrogance karenge hum sab logon…

BJP has always been its own worst enemy.
Right now Congress is its own worst enemy.
2014 will be won by the one who can sink the least.

Paanch Ek Baarah waale kripaya Nau Do Gyaaraah ho jaeeye.
‪#‎FictionalCheapFood‬

Total turnaround…
1. (Anna) Hazare se acchi hai uski khaamoshi.
2. AAPke khalayat Diggy Raja se kitne milte julte hai. (‪#‎Batla‬)

I can understand the BJP attempting a ‪#‎Mission272‬.
But why is the Congress behaving like it’s aiming for a MissionBelow100?

Manmohan Singh’s biggest achievement is that he has emerged as a lasting brand for mute, passive and ineffective leadership.

In 2004 the BJP were sure of winning.
In 2009 the BJP were sure of winning.
In 2014 the BJP are sure of winning.
So will it be déjà vu or third time lucky?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Srinivasan to return?

“I’ll be back.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger, 1984.
Jagmohan Dalmiya, 2006.
N Srinivasan, 2013.
(Mohinder Amarnath: Dunno how many times!)

BCCI and political parties have an RTI of their own.
Right To Innocence.
OR
Right To (declare anyone) Innocent.

The BCCI does believe in DRS.
N Srinivasan was given out and he appealed.
Now his Third Umpire has overruled the original decision and he’s coming back.

Tere paas kya hai?
Srinivasan: Mere paas Ma(hi) hai!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Some more Pappu-Modi musings…

There is a Pappu wave too, only you don’t see it.
The electorate is getting ready to wave Pappu goodbye in 2014.

In a parallel universe, Modi has been hanged and Diggy Raja has received the Nobel Prizes of Peace and Literature.

Baba Ramdev blasts “Burqa of secularism”.
Probably would have preferred “Salwar kameez of secularism”.

1. Is Modi guilty in 2002?
2. Gujarat development is real.
3. He’s extremely popular offline too.
Just because you believe 1. is true doesn’t mean 2. and 3. automatically become false.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Utopia to UPAtopia…

Q: How many poor mouths will the UPA feed from now on?
A: None. They will simply shift the poverty line again and declare “Zero” numbers of poor!

Q: How is the middle class doing?
A: Great. They get to eat a full hearty meal in Re 1. That means great savings for everything else.

Q: What about the upper classes?
A: Well since they are still in the upper classes, they are doing pretty well thank you. Why are you asking?

Q: What about the scams, terror threats and enemies like Pakistan and China?
A: Were you sleeping? I just answered the above questions showing that all three classes are doing well! Who’s left? Everyone is happy. If there’s still a further problem, we can declare everything “Zero loss”.

Q: So we have reached Utopia?
A: Yes, you could call it UPAtopia.

(Arthath, “UPA” ne sab ko “topi” pahanaya)

© Sunil Rajguru

Great government attitude…

Excess rain woes: Pray.

Poverty: All you need is Rs 33.

Hunger: Eat in Re 1.

Terrorism: IM doesn’t exist.

Offline protestors: Maoists.

Online protestors: Trolls.

Spokespersons: Angels.

Bad economy: Statistics prove otherwise.

China-Pakistan: Who cares?

India’s problems: Only the Opposition.

What’s really wrong: Nothing.

© Sunil Rajguru

Pappu-Modi musings…

How to become PM
Modi: Lifelong struggle up. Develop State. Win 3 mandates. Give rousing speeches. Fight media. Fight 24X7.
Pappu: Get born!

I am a Hindu Nationalist: Modi.
TV news analysis…
I am a: Huge ego.
Hindu: Communal.
Nationalist: Anti-national.
Modi: Hitler.

Modi: Mere paas teen teen mandate hai, development hai, social media hai, brilliant speeches hai, passionate supporters hai… tere paas kya hai?
Pappu: Why do you have so much anger? It must be brought down!

Q: Have you heard the nonsense of Pappu in textbooks?
A: Pappu himself is a textbook case of nonsense.

Sibal rubbishes Gujarat Model.
Simple.
The way he declared “Zero Loss” in 2G scam, all he has to do is declare “Zero Gain” in the Gujarat Model.
Elementary, my dear Sibal!

Think it over…
65 MPs refuse to accept the validity of a thrice elected Indian CM.
But 65 MPs accept the validity of a US President taking action against him.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Ek rupaya main khaana…

Can have full meal in Re 1: Farooq Abdullah.
The real question is whether Farooq has ever seen a one Rupee coin in his entire life.

Price of a meal…
Rs 12: Babbar. (In Mumbai)
Rs 5: Masood. (In Delhi)
Re 1: Farooq. (In Kashmir)
Free: Pappu. (In Dalit home)
Next leader is what? Whenever I eat, please pay me.

When I was in school in the 1980s, a Rs 10 note got me a rice plate, a balcony ticket, one samosa and a return bus ticket.
Then the Congress had LS 416 seats.
Today they have half of that but double the arrogance.

Ek chutki sindoor ki keemat tum kya jano: (Om) Shanti (Om).
Ek rupaye ki keemat tum kya jano gareeb naagrik: (Oh God) Farooq (Oh God).

Sounds like if politicians stopped eating in five-star hotels, then the savings would feed the rest of India and the Food Bill wouldn’t be required.

Real debate…
Politician 1: This scam can be done in 1 lakh crores.
Politician 2: I can do it in 5 lakh crores.
Politician 3: I’ll do it in 12 lakh crores!
(Utne main bhi nahin pet bharega actually!)

All these politicians are bent on feeding us cheap food.
We should get them to eat a large slice of humble pie in the 2014 polls.

Some time back, Pappu offered a Grand Prize for the most idiotic statement.
The poor souls are still waiting for him to end the competition and declare the winner.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru