2014 main governance gaya tel lene…

Shut the city! I want to save my vigilante minister.
—Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal.

Shut the State! I hate my own party.
— Chief Minister Kiran Reddy.

I’ll release the killers of a Prime Minister and launch my campaign to be Prime Minister.
—Jayalalitha.

Uttar Pradesh burning? So just make me Prime Minister!
—Mulayam Singh Yadav.

Many crimes against women in West Bengal? Just make a woman Prime Minister!
—Mamata Banerjee.

Shut the State! I want to be Prime Minister.
— Chief Minister Nitish Kumar.

© Sunil Rajguru

Telangana, anarchy and a pepper spray…

Pepper spray in Parliament condemned.
(But criminals in Parliament are fine)
Anarchy in Parliament condemned.
(But anarchy in Andhra Pradesh is fine)
Knife in Parliament condemned.
(But political backstabbing is fine)

Political Kajrare…
Aisi nazar se dekha zalim MP ne Lok Sabha ke chowk par,
Humne Telangana Bill rakh diya chaku ki nok par.
Chorus: Wah wah, kamal ho gaya, woh session fail ho gaya.

Advice to women: Use pepper spray went confronted by shady characters.
News item: MP uses pepper spray in Lok Sabha.

Before…
We will create a new State out of Andhra Pradesh.
After…
We created a new State called Anarchy Pradesh.

Congress MP pepperspraying to protest Congress Speaker tabling a Bill amidst a mess created by the Congress party = Congress (not Parliament/India) shamed.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

How to un-bifurcate a State…

Advisor: We are getting wiped out in Andhra Pradesh.

Congressman: Divide and rule. AP has three divisions: Telangana, Rayalseema and Coastal Andhra. Give Telangana statehood and we’ll at least secure that.

Advisor: Done, but the trouble continues.

Congressman: OK add Rayalseema too to make it Rayal-Telangana.

Advisor: OK, but the trouble still continues.

Congressman: OK add Coastal Andhra too to make it Andhra-Rayal-Telangana!

P.S. And in all these while, governance gaya tel lene.

© Sunil Rajguru

General political musings…

Evolution…
Thousands of years back our ancestors were only interested in survival and nothing else.
Today our politicians are only interested in survival and nothing else.

Action: Kejriwal helped remove Gadkari.
Reaction: Rajnath replaced Gadkari and crowned Modi.
So: In a way, Kejriwal helped Modi?

Great grandfather: When I was small, India had 100s of states (Pre-1947).
Boy: I’m sure the same thing will happen by the time I become old.

If there are 1 lakh Andhra Style Restaurants in India, will about 40,000 of them rename themselves as Telangani Style Restaurants?

Telangana…
Said: Change is inevitable. Change is good. You can’t fight change.
Unsaid: Change=17 Lok Sabha seats.

CBI and BCCI are the ultimate Laundromats.
Kitni bhi gandi chit pakda do, first class dhulai karke clean bana dete hai.

Schrödinger’s Encounter: Any encounter can be both fake and real at the same time.

Laloo: I will give you zero governance!
Voter: Delivered on his promise! Give him 3 terms!
Vajpayee: I will give you great governance.
Voter: It was “good”, but not “great” so let’s boot him out.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Telangana musings…

In school: 22 states, 173 countries, 18 Jupiter satellites, 9 planets.
Now: 29 States, 206 countries, 120 Jupiter satellites, 8 planets.
Bechara ek Pluto hi underachiever nikla.

Q: What about Telangana-AP’s water division?
A: Don’t worry, voter division has been done.

Telangana decision explained…
United we stand (to lose Lok Sabha seats).
Divided we fall (so low and yet pick up the new State’s seats).

Instructions to Congress top brass…
Governance gaya tel lene, jab ghar aana, Telangana hi le ki hi aana, bhale hi saare India ke statehood demands pe bhi tel lagana.

The Congress is putting a huge amount of votes in the Votebank.
But it should note that like banks, even Votebanks can crash.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

States bantate chalo…

borders-2099205_640Please sing to the tune of Pyar bantate chalo from the movie Hum Sab Ustad Hain

(Reference: Andhra Pradesh to be bifurcated.)

Ho States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo,
Hey States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo,
Kya South ke, kya North ke, ye sab hain ready for katai,
States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo,
Hey, States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo.

Kaatna hai Centre kee nishanee, yeh buzurgo kaa kehana hai yaaro,
Ek hi saaj ke tar hain sab, par hamko mil jul ke rahna nahin hai yaaro,
Kaatna hai Centre kee nishanee, yeh buzurgo kaa kehana hai yaaro,
Ek hee saaj ke taar hain sab, hamko aur taare jodte rahana hai yaaro,
Hey socho kal kitne kam States the, dekho ab kitne hai,
Sabko le doobegi ye kaantne ki ladai,
States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo,
Hey States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo.

Telangana ye hai to Seemandhra tum ho, ye hai Bihar to Jharkhand tum ho,
Naam kuchh ho magar ye naa bhulo, sab se pahale to political victim tum ho,
Telangana ye hai to Seemandhra tum ho, ye hai Bihar to Jharkhand tum ho,
Naam kuchh ho magar ye naa bhulo, sab se pahale to political victim tum ho,
Hey bache hue States, kal ke liye tayyaar raho,
Tum se aur regional leaders kya kya ummeede hain lagi,
States bantate chalo, States bantate chalo…

This spoof by Sunil Rajguru

(Original song: Pyar bantate chalo.
Film: Hum Sab Ustad Hain.
Year: 1965.)

Thak Thak Chutkule 7

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Zardari.
Zardari kaun?
Zara dar gaya tha bechara ki
military coup hoga, ab theek lag raha hai.

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Telangana.
Telangana kaun.
Telan…gaana gaa rahi hain Maya, aur do tukde nahin, chaar chahati hai!

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
2G ka paisa khaaya.
2G ka paisa khaaya kaun?
Hahahaha… aise sawal mat pooch jiska koi jawab nahin, ye scam aur cases aur bahut saal chalne waale hai.

Thak Thak.
Kaun hai bhaaya?
Rockstar.
Rockstar kaun?
Rocks stars pe pheko, dher saare, ek ek karke, sab paisa bataurne main lage hue hain, koi achha film nahin bana raha hai aaj kal…

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Ji Huzoor…

Centre: Hum weak ho rahe hain!
Advisor: To phir regions ko aur bhi weak kardo!
Centre: Us-se kya hoga?
Advisor: Aap bahut strong ho jaoge.
Centre: Kya bakwas kar rahe ho! Regions weak ho jaayenge to hum bhi weak ho jayenge.
Advisor: Einstein ka naam nahin suna?
Centre: Kis kambhakt puraane British politician ka naam le rahe ho?
Advisor: Woh… chodo… Relativity kahata hain ki agar doosre weak hote jaate hain to aap relatively strong hote jaate hain…
Centre: Einstein ko maaro goli, ye Relativity bhai sahab bahut acche lagte hain.
Advisor: To amal kiya jaaye… regions ko chote chote tukdo main baat do.
Centre: Todo, todo, regions ko todo… as a first step… us ka Fast todo.
Advisor: Ji huzoor.

(Moral of the story: In 1947 there were 17 provinces in India. In 1975 there were 21 states. Today there are 28. Tomorrow there will be 35. First thoda resistance and finally our kids will mug up the new names quietly for their GK test and we’ll happily help them.)

***

Hamare batsman acche hain, Rules se bowlers ki jaan lelo
Ji huzoor…
Ye
Chucker ka chakkar chodo
Ji huzoor…
Woh
Pak nahin khelega..
Ji huzoor…
Hame
T20 nahin khelna hain…
Ji huzoor…
Chalo
T20 khel hi lete, domestic bhi
Ji huzoor…
Acha chalo do aur
Test hi khelte hain…
Ji huzoor…

(Moral of the story: Who cares about the ICC Test/ODI/T20 rankings when India has been the undisputed No. 1 in the Unofficial Cricket Power Rankings for ages now and continue to do so)

© Sunil Rajguru