Let him cast the first stone…

They were all about to pelt stones in Parliament…

Then Prophet Sibal came and said, “He that is without corruption among you, let him cast the first stone…”

They all stopped and said “What the hell” and started throwing stones at Sibal himself…

…and Sibal went on the backfoot and Raja went to jail and licenses were cancelled and the PM squirmed and there finally was a JPC probe and…

Moral of the story: There are no morals in politics. So why do some politicians talk, sermonize and preach so much?

© Sunil Rajguru

The biggest blank cheque in the world…

This is what the biggest blank cheque in the world looks like…

Recipient: Pakistan.

Payee: United States of America.

Bank: Federal Reserve.

Signatory: US President.

Purpose: To fight terror.

Funds actually used for: 1. Sustaining the lifestyles of the rich and famous in Pakistan. 2. Building nukes that may one day be used against America. 3. Funding the war of terror against India.

Linked Accounts: Swiss.

Validity: Decades old and still counting…

© Sunil Rajguru

Latest Pak match-fixing scorecard…

Shahid Afridi: Refused to bat

Salman Butt (c): Out Caught, 10 years

Mohammad Asif: Out Caught, 7 years

Mohammad Amir: Out Caught, 5 years

Yasir Hameed: Not Out

Zulqarnain Haider: Timed Out, as he left the field

Yet to Bat & Third Umpire Review Pending: Will be revealed in 2011, 2012, 2013…

Opposition: British media

Team Manager: Mazhar Majeed

Brand New Umpire: ICC

This Version by Sunil Rajguru

India’s corruption pyramid…

India has a very elaborate corruption pyramid.

At the very bottom is the largest base: All those millions of corrupt people. From the top politicians with their fancy Swiss bank accounts, down to the peon who’ll take a few notes to make sure you meet the babu.

At the second level are the people you think are corrupt. Whispers surround them, but by and large they lead nice corrupt and peaceful lives for life.

At the third level are people who stand exposed. At the local level everyone knows about them. Complaints have been made to no avail. At the national level, they are the stars of 24X7 news channels.

At the fourth level are those who are actually arrested. Yes, the pyramid is really getting narrower now.

At Stage 5 are parked those arrested corrupt entities who have charge sheets filed against them and actually appear in front of a judge.

Level 6: Long-drawn cases and in the unlikely event of a verdict, appeal and movement to a higher court.

Level 7: Bingo! A corrupt official is actually convicted and goes out to serve his full sentence.
(Of course, if you think 8-10 years in a furnished prison cell with mobiles and TV is enough for swindling thousands of crores, then it’s a success. The concerned person is free to retire to Switzerland to spend comfortable last days there.)
I’m sure there must at least be one really corrupt national politician at the top of this pyramid, though I somehow can’t seem to recall him or her right now.

(P.S. Congratulations former telecom minister Mr Andimuthu Raja, for whizzing from Levels 1 to 4 in a matter of years. Now is the time to relax and maybe retire, for you may be stuck in this level for life! Even the next two levels aren’t that bad, though.)

© Sunil Rajguru

Modern Indian history, according to Rahul beta…

Pre-1947: Motilal Nehru was a great freedom fighter.

1947-64: Pardada is PM.

1964-66: Somebody is PM.

1966-75: Dadi is PM.

1975-77: Chachu running the country the way he wants to.

1977-80: India on Emergency Mode.

1980-84: Dadi is PM again.

1984-89: Papa is PM.

1989-91: Papa is not PM.

1991-98: Mamma is in the wilderness.

1998-Now: Mamma is president of the Congress (India’s most important post).

© Sunil Rajguru

The state of political advisors in India…

Recently, the Chief Minister of Karnataka has been in a spot of bother, seeking advice from his inner circle…

First Advisor: Step down for the good of the party.

Second Advisor: Make sure you and your near ones stay away from all land deals.

Third Advisor: We have a great array of legal options. Don’t worry!

Astrological Advisor: People are doing black magic against you. Do a Suryanamaskar in the buff to counter all that.

CM: What perfect sense my astrological advisor makes! All the others talk such downright nonsense!

© Sunil Rajguru

5 things required ASAP vis a vis Sachin Tendulkar…

The following things should be done immediately for World Peace, Fan Peace and Peace on TV channels…

1. Mr Manmohan Singh, please give Sachin the Bharat Ratna.
More Indians want this man to get it than all the supporters of all the Bharat Ratna awardees combined.

2. Mr Ajay Maken, begin your tenure in style.
Institute a “Sachin Tendulkar Maha Global Sportsman Award” and give Donald Bradman the first one posthumously.

3. Mr Shashank Manohar, may a foreign player be allowed to join IPL only after he has signed a statement stating Sachin is the greatest of all.
I doubt whether they read the fine print anyway, they just want the moolah!

4. Someone get hold of Pele, Federer and Woods… anyone and get them to make a statement that Sachin is the greatest sportsperson of all time.

5. There are tonnes of Indian billionaires.
Can’t one of them buy Sports Illustrated Magazine and do a cover story on how Sachin’s the greatest of all time?

© Sunil Rajguru

January 2011 Status Updates

• By Roger!
Federer nahin to Ferrer hi sahi.
A Rafa Slam? Nada yet!

(January 26)

• Quit Karnataka! Karnataka Chhodo!
(Yeddy launches his own Independence Movement against Gubernatorial Imperialism)

(January 25)

• Most tainted CM.
Most partisan Governor.
Opposition. Party 1: Most ineffective. Party 2: Most corrupt.
Karnataka take a bow, you are a superlative!

(January 24)

• SINGH is King!
S = Spectrum Scam.
I = IPL Scam.
N = Nuclear Logjam.
G = Games Scam.
H = Housing Scam.

(January 22)

• Karnataka, ek gone case…
Krishna kab ka gaya.
Dharam tha kya?
Kumaraswamy ruk ruk ke gaya.
Yeddy kab jaayega?

• Thousands of Swiss bank leads and clues through WikiLeaks.
Now will the Real Media do some hard work and unearth dozens of top leaders and industrialists or are they used to bani pakai kheer only?

• Coming Soon: A movie on the UPA regime called Black. In it, all the politicians will play blind, deaf and dumb to eradicating black money.

(January 21)

• Globalization Hope: That an Australian citizen’s International Website will expose the Swiss accounts of top Indian politicians for an even more dhamakedar 2011.

• Steve calling Apple…
iJobs iLeave uFinished.

• More movie ideas:
No One Built Adarsh.
No One Swindled CWG.
No Thing Was Lost in 2G…

• One fine day, a few hundred million people got up on Earth and felt different.
They acted differently, their personalities changed…
Great Ophiuchus!
The Zodiac never felt this crap…

• Why are they all going berserk on Koffee with Karan?
Is he the new High Priest of the Confession (Idiot) Box?
(But I’m not complaining)

• IMDb=Internet Male-viewers DataBase

(January 18)

• (Overheard)
Dada: Ye Indian Pappu League hai!
Pappu can’t play sala!

• IPL respects: Youth. All-rounders. Potential captains. Tamasha. Slam-Bang-Thank You-Men.
IPL disrespects: Age. Experience. Specialists. Rebels. Pakistanis. Long-term commitment.

• IPL4 Fact of the day: Dutchman Ryan ten Doeschate is more valuable than Dada, Lara, Gayle, Vaas, Mendis, Boucher, Gibbs… put together!

• With the amount of players unsold in IPL4, they could well have a parallel IPL, Ignored Premier League, if there are any takers.

(January 9)

• Kaun Banega Crorepati Cricket Chapter began today. Will end tomorrow. Will make many more crorepatis than the original KBC.

• Gail force knock down Dada. Gayle becomes a dadaji. Laxman Very Very Survives. Wall almost Deserted. Tata Lara. Kapubhigaya. Tamim Tamam. Swann Song. Wright’s Wrong. Mendis Stumped…

• IPL4: Million Dollar “Babies” on top.
Dadas, dadis, old Walls and Very Very Special old players at the bottom.

• 2G Scam Update: Since we (Cong) refuse to clean up our act, we’ll prove that the BJP is more corrupt than us. Works every time!

(January 8 )

• Pietersen: Eng won Ashes as I quit captaincy.
Collingwood: I’m going so Eng can be No 1.
New mantra? Absence makes the team grow stronger?

Dhoni ko Test series main harana mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai.
Iska hul ka talaash aath mulko ke captains kar rahe hai.

• Losing 1-3 on home? OK, the Aussie Era has finally ended. If only India had beaten SA 2-1, you could have said the baton has passed.

(January 7)

• Last 3 Ind-SA series:
1-1. 1-1. 1-1.
Someone please organize a tie-breaker Test on the world’s greenest pitch! That’s sure to get takers!

• 130/6 to 341.
Different years, different oppositions, different pitches, different fast bowling attacks, different captains…
…same story.

(January 6)

• With great Pawar comes great irresponsibility: Just look at the Maharashtra mess, cricket scandals, vegetable prices…

(January 5)

• OK, now the Congress is the perfect ABC of Corruption again: ARaja-Bofors-CWG. Ye party baaki sab ke liye ek Adarsh hai…

(January 4)

• Mail became Hot in 1996.
Search increased Googlefold in 1998.
Encyclopedias went Fast Fast (Wiki Wiki) in 2001.
In 2004, the Face of the World’s No. 1 Book was launched.
In 2010 Leaks went super Wiki.
Next is what?
Sheila ki Jawani aaye ya jaaye, Sallu ki Jawani jaane nahin waali. After 20 years still romancing young heroines and Sallu to Badnam Hai hi!

(January 4)

• The ABC of the PM’s troubles this term…
A for Andimuthu.
B for BJP.
C for CWG.

(January 3)

Last time humne SA ka durband bajaya tha!
Will the durbanators show up at Cape Town today?

(January 2)

• Arushi Case. Media went all out, gave 10 times more coverage than many serious issues. Result: Zero. Shows how powerful the media really is.

• I love the Aussies and South Africans.
They sledge for years. Indian cricketers take it.
When we merely give it back, they get defensive, go the the press, get upset and all righteous and holy and other crap…

• The reason the Citibank dude is in real trouble is because it’s only 300cr. In India the minimum limit is 1000cr for lifelong immunity.

(January 1)

© Sunil Rajguru