India Australia 4-0 musings…

· New home series slogan…
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
if Ashwin don’t get ya, Jaddu Beta must.

· Kuch paane ke liye (4-0) kuch khona padta hai (0-4).
Cricket ke maidan pe haarke jeetne waale ko Dhoni kahate hai.

· Like a Phoenix, India has risen (4-0) from the ashes (0-4) of the last Australia defeat.

· Vijay, Dhawan, Pujara…
Jo Opener Wohi Sikander.

· Dhoni is probably in the Guinness Book of World Records for hitting the winning shot in maximum number of cricket matches.

· His new nickname is: Aaya God Gaya God.

· Na ghar ka na ghaat ka… na Rajya Sabha attend karta hai aur na Test century banata hai.

· Sidhu doing Hindi commentary with VVS is like Sehwag batting with Ojha.

· When Sehwag came, he was seen as a Sachin clone.
Now every Indian batsman seems like a Sehwag clone.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

My complete Open Letters…

Open letter to Justice Katju
Is the Press Council chief neutral?
24 March, 2013, Sify.com

Open letter to Rahul Gandhi
Or how his Chintan Shivir speech was a dud
25 January, 2013, Sify.com

A note to the dented and painted Indian woman
If our politicians wrote an open letter…
27 December, 2012, Sify.com

Theek Nahi Hai!: Open letter to Manmohan Singh
The PM gave a bland and insipid speech
24 December, 2012, Sify.com

Open Letter to Anna Hazare…
Anna’s talent and charisma can come in handy in…

16 January 2012, Sify.com

Open letter to the ICC regarding the Sehwag menace
From the Royal Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Bowlers
09 December, 2011, Sify.com

An Open Letter to Kapil Sibal
The IT Minister should understand the Net better
07 December, 2011, Sify.com

An Open Letter to Shahrukh Khan
Despite Ra.One’s mediocrity…
8 November, 2011, Sify.com

An Open Letter to the Congress Party…
…regarding the whole Anna Hazare issue…
16 August, 2011, Sify.com

Modi-Rahul PM musings…

· Modi is like a hare.
Rahul is like a tortoise.
Sigh!
And we know who wins that race.

· While Modi has mastered the online medium, I wonder if Rahul Baba can even spell “Internet”.

· Modi’s PM candidature: Is the glass half full or half empty?
Rahul’s candidature: The glass is empty.
(Positive spin: It is full of air.)

· Ho sakta hai Modi even 50% phekta hoga apne speeches main.
But other politicians talk 100% nonsense.
50% > 0%.

· In software, subsequent versions get better.
In the Nehru-Gandhi Dynasty, subsequent versions steadily get worse.

· Nitish is petrified that under Modi it will become a National Dictatorial Alliance.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

UPA misrule musings…

· Italian absconders. Lankan Tamils. Pakistani infiltrators. Chinese hackers. Bangladeshi immigrants. Swiss banks. American business…
The sum of India’s foreign policy right now.

· TMC, DMK pull the plug.
Don’t worry.
SP-BSP battery hai na!

· SP-BSP vs Congress.
Masters in UP.
Servants at the Centre.

· Even a Lame Duck looks dynamic compared to the current UPA government, which is totally crippled.

· If there was such a thing as a lame duck Opposition, then the BJP is it.

· US had 9/11, where the Twin Towers were destroyed.
India had 2011, where the Twin Towers of Governance and Stability were destroyed.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Aussie Mohali 3-0 musings…

· Dhawan: I replaced Sehwag.
Vijay: I displaced Gambhir.
Pujara: I’m the New Wall.
Kohli: I filled Dada’s void.
Dhoni: I’m in Laxman’s position.
Rahane (Looking at Sachin): Sigh! Mera number kab aayega?

· Mickey Arthur: What’s my homework?
Cricket Australia: Go home and get some other work. We need a new coach.

· Sound of Music: I am 16, going on 17…
Sound of Cricketing Music: We are 3-0, going on 4-0…

· And in other news, the ODI World Champions win their (almost) T20 match at Mohali.

· The Last Minute should be renamed as The Dhoni Minute.

· At this rate, all the Aussie bowlers will now refuse to do their homework in the hope of getting out of the Fourth Test.

· 1984: Mooche ho toh Nathulal jaisi ho warna naa ho.
2013: Mooche ho toh Shikhar Dhawan jaisi ho warna naa ho.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

India’s foreign policy…

Pakistan: Aao maaro.

Italy: Aao maar ke jao.

China: Aao Internet pe maar ke jao.

Bangladesh: Aao raho.

Sri Lanka: Hum hi aake maar khaake waapis jaate hai.

Strongest weapons in the arsenal: Inter-Continental Ballistic Words and Cricket Bans.

© Sunil Rajguru

Katju musings…

· I think it should be mandatory for the Chairman of the Press Council of India to have a degree in journalism.

· Sweet Dish: Kaju Katli.
Journo’s favourite sweet dish: Katju Kat-le.

· Media houses have a journalistic license.
Most journalists have a journalism degree/diploma.
Justice Katju, sadly, has neither.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

When the Italian Marines fled India…

· Khurshid to Marines: Tum Italy jaoge to sahi, magar waapis kaise aaoge?
Marines to Italian Government: I think he doesn’t want us to return!

· US: Americans first. Italy: Italians first…
Indian Government: Err… since all the first places have been taken, we guess it’s Indians Last.

· Consequence=Merely an effect.
Doing nothing can be a consequence.
Sleeping can be a consequence.
Manmohan: Consequences if Italian Marines are not sent.

· Dear Manmohan,
“Unacceptable” is something you don’t accept, not something you say after accepting it.

· Not Khurshid’s fault. When Marines left, he told Italian Government…
“Woh jaayein Italy, woh aayein Italy, lekin laut kar bhi aayein Italy se!”

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

We sack cricketers for not doing their homework…

· Yet another profession ruined by PowerPoint.
(4 Aussie cricketers sacked for not submitting report)

· Arthur takes the mickey out of the Aussie cricket players.

· CA: We believe each player should list 3 ways in which their individual performance can be improved. What about you?
BCCI: We just believe in just 3 letters!
CA: Eh?
BCCI: I-P-L. They add value to our coffers. (P.S. We still have the WC till 2015)

· Who is coaching Cricket Australia?
A. Mickey Arthur?
B. Mickey Mouse?
C. King Arthur?

· Arthur takes the mickey out of the Aussie cricket players.

· Pattinson: Here mate, take 8 wickets for the first 2 Tests.
Clarke: Thanks mate! Wickets are pure gold here!
Arthur: Hey where’s my report!
Pattinson: But I’m not a reporter!
Arthur: You’re Out!
Clarke: How did he get out?
Pattinson: I’m Stumped!

© Sunil Rajguru

Random Thoughts 29…

∙ Whenever Progress gets too much, Fate puts obstacles in the way to check it.
The latest ones are Facebook and Twitter.

∙ If March 8 is Women’s Day, then the remaining 364 days are men’s days.
If November 14 is Children’s Day, then the remaining 364 days are adult’s days.
We will be truly civilized when every world citizen feels that every day is hers or his.

∙ Newsmakers yesterday: Will it impact the world?
Then: Will it impact the newspapers and TV channels?
Now: Will it impact the status messages?

∙ The Indian cricket fans’ goodwill is like the stock market, you never know which cricketers stock will crash and which will rise.

∙ You’ve heard of the 80:20 principle?
Well India works on the 99.80:0.20% principle.
99.80% of India has to put up with the bullshit of the remaining 0.20% all the time.

∙ True global democracy has arrived in cyberspace.
Now each and every one of us has friends, connections and even followers…

© Sunil Rajguru

The power of Motilal Nehru…

1947: Only Motilal’s son can save the nation.

1966: Only Motilal’s granddaughter can save the nation.

1984: Only Motilal’s great grandson can save the nation.

2014: Only Motilal’s great great grandson can save the nation.

Coming soon: Motilal’s great great great grandchildren have been born, so they will eventually become saviours too.

Elsewhere…

1948: Sheikh Abdullah will save Kashmir.

1984: Sheikh Abdullah’s son will save Kashmir.

2009: Sheikh Abdullah’s grandson will save Kashmir.

But there’s hope…

1967: Congress loses power for the first time in multiple States.

1977: Congress loses power for the first time at the Centre.

1984: Last time the Congress gets a majority on its own at the Centre.

1991: Last time the Congress forms a Government on its own at the Centre.

2004: First time a Nehru-Gandhi dynasty member cannot become PM despite having the numbers.

2014: Let’s hope many more records are created in this year…

© Sunil Rajguru

Said and unsaid…

Rahul Gandhi: If I get married and have children, I will be status-quoist and will like my children to take my place.
Unsaid: The Dynasty is the status quo of India. It flourished before you, it is flourishing through you right now and it will flourish through Priyanka and her family even after you. All your talk is empty like this.

Shashi Tharoor: At school, we learnt to answer the questions. At college, we learnt to question the answers. Some of us went further, and questioned the questions.
Unsaid: And now you’ve gone even further: Your government arrests those asking the questions!

Justice Katju: 90% Indians are stupid.
Unsaid: The more you speak, the more people are convinced that you’re in the 90%.

Rahul Bose: We have to ask ourselves of the five or six of the rapists of the December 16, is there anyone who wants to change, who wants to reform…
Unsaid: A fraction of those raped go to the police. A fraction of those successfully fight it out in courts. A fraction of those secure convictions. Now you want even that microscopic minority to get away through change and reform?

Sheila Dixit: Even my daughter feels unsafe in New Delhi.
Unsaid: Why, has her VVIP security cover been revoked?

Sheila Dixit: If power bills are more, use less power.
Unsaid: If petrol prices are high, walk. If food prices are high, starve…

Rahul Gandhi: Power is poison.
Unsaid: That makes the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty the biggest antidote to poison in the world!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru