When Shinde wanted to crush free speech…

Shinde: I will crush electronic media!
<Backlash!!!>
Shinde: Now what!
Advisor: Sir, email = electronic mail.
Shinde: Genius! I meant social media!

What Shinde actually wanted to say…
I want to crush media (all of it)!
I want to crush Modi!
I want to crush RSS/BJP!
But I know we will be crushed in 2014!

Shinde: I will crush you!
Kejriwal: Total paid media!
I&B Ministry: We will unplug you!
Sonia: I am unhappy!
Modi: Hehehe, aap ko ye inaam mila inse mujhe barso tak attack karne ke liye?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

AAP: Noise and news both…

If service tax is to be charged from Modi’s rallies, then entertainment tax has to be charged for all of AAP’s activities.

Arvind Kejriwal gives 100% to most of his allegations.
0% new proof + 100% noise.

Delhi is brash, arrogant, rude and angry.
AAP is brash, arrogant, rude and angry.
Pyaar to hona hi tha!

Salman watching Kejriwal on TV saying…
My Jai Ho hero couldn’t give such great entertainment fighting corruption!
No wonder it wasn’t a big hit!

Main: Hero!
Ambani: Villain!
Congress-BJP: Sidekicks!
Delhi: Bollywood!
Parting shot…
Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!
—Arvind Kejriwal.

Kejriwal says that Congress and BJP are the same.
AAP is different.
I agree.
At least Congress and BJP can rule a country.
AAP can’t even rule a city.

PM possibility: Modi.
Leader of Opposition possibility: Pappu.
Third Front outside chance PMs: Jaya and Mamata.
Not even in the picture: Kejriwal.

Historic highs of Lok Sabha seats…
Congress: 416.
BJP: 182.
AAP: 0.
Yet all three are equal for the mainstream media.

2009…
Kya aapne Congress ko vote diya?
2014…
Kya AAPne Congress ko vote diya?

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The truth about Congress ads: Just replace everything with dynasty…

Har haath shakti, har haath tarakki.
=Har dynasty member ko shakti, har dynasty member ki tarakki.

Tode nahin, jode.
=Non-dynast nahin, bhale hi aap apna sar phode.

Kattar soch nahin, yuva josh.
=Democratic soch nahin, dynastic josh.

Hum hain naye, andaaz kyoon ho puraana
=Desh hain naya, dynasty wahi ghisa pita puraana.

Main nahin, Hum.
=Congress nahin, dynasty.

Ekta hi desh ki shakti,
Ekta his desh hi pragati.
=Dynasty hi desh ki shakti,
Dynasty his desh hi pragati.

Stability and integrity.
The roots of progress.
=Dynasty and dynasty.
The roots of progress.

Chuniye use jo aapke liye vikas chunta hai.
=Chuniye use jo aapke liye dynasty chunta hai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Telangana, anarchy and a pepper spray…

Pepper spray in Parliament condemned.
(But criminals in Parliament are fine)
Anarchy in Parliament condemned.
(But anarchy in Andhra Pradesh is fine)
Knife in Parliament condemned.
(But political backstabbing is fine)

Political Kajrare…
Aisi nazar se dekha zalim MP ne Lok Sabha ke chowk par,
Humne Telangana Bill rakh diya chaku ki nok par.
Chorus: Wah wah, kamal ho gaya, woh session fail ho gaya.

Advice to women: Use pepper spray went confronted by shady characters.
News item: MP uses pepper spray in Lok Sabha.

Before…
We will create a new State out of Andhra Pradesh.
After…
We created a new State called Anarchy Pradesh.

Congress MP pepperspraying to protest Congress Speaker tabling a Bill amidst a mess created by the Congress party = Congress (not Parliament/India) shamed.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Congress and its end of innings…

Sonianomics…
Free food. Free cash. Free houses. Free insurance. Free…
Everything but Free Speech.

There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch!
—Robert Heinlein.
Free lunch is my middle name!
—Arvind Kejriwal.
LOL! Me free lunch, dinner and breakfast!
—Sonia Gandhi.

Modi wants to be PM…
#ChaiPeCharcha.
Pappu wants to be PM…
#GaddiPeBachcha.

Blame for India’s megascams, economy, problems…
10% Manmohan.
1% Pappu.
0% Sonia.
Q: What about the remaining 89%?
A: Modi hai na!

Last Congress majority government ended in 1989.
Last Congress minority government ended in 1996.
Last Congress coalition government ended in 2014?

Just treat all these non-stop Congress ads as something part of their “Farewell campaign”.

Janata Party died in 1980.
Janata Dal died in 1998.
Congress is desperately attempting suicide in 2014.

The problem is that the Congress party seems to have only one theme song…
“Gandhi baat, voters ke sangh karoonga main Gandhi baat…”

An Absolute flood of ads with the faces of Pappu, Sonia and Manmohan…
Main (Pappu) nahin, Hum (Pappu-Sonia-Manmohan).
#HoRahaBharatBarbaad

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Kejriwal nautanki musings…

Kejriwal is currently better than Modi and Pappu put together.
Modi in getting media coverage.
Pappu in getting spoofed, memed and joked about.

At this rate, Arvind Kejriwal will soon file an FIR against Barack Obama.
Take that Preet Bharara!

Tip…
If you ever think that AAP is going to win in your city municipality—simply stop paying your water and electricity bills as a protest!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Yet more Kejriwal musings…

At this rate, Arvind Kejriwal will soon file an FIR against Barack Obama.
Take that Preet Bharara!

If Arvind Kejriwal is the item girl of Indian politics, then I must say he’s extremely prolific.
We have a different item song each and every day.

Since most politicians are corrupt in India, arrest all the AAP ones.
Same logic used by Somnath Bharti to harass African women and now claim that he stands vindicated with latest expose.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Foreign Test debacle musings…

Dhoni: I lost in Auckland.
Srinivasan: Don’t worry, I won in Dubai.

New Zealand to sirf ek jhaaki hai,
England main whitewash abhi baaki hai.

Srinivasan should step down as BCCI President.
–>Becomes ICC President instead.
Chennai Superkings should be scrapped.
–>He’ll do so and simply launch Chennai SuperEmperors instead.

Detractors: You have no moral right to be BCCI President.
Srinivasan: OK! Let me be ICC President instead!

India, England and Australia try to form ICC super group.
With the way we are playing, I think we should form a super group with Bangladesh and Zimbabwe instead.

On foreign soil in Tests, the only question to be asked is whether the Indian team as a whole will cross the individual score of the highest Opposition batsman.

Ishant Sharma is like a salesman.
The moment he feels he has met his target of wickets, he takes it easy for the rest of the quarter.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The Facebook movie…

In terms of the cost of bandwidth and man hours wasted in watching/sharing the Facebook Movie, it must have already grossed $1 billion worldwide.

Yesterday…
Nokia: We are the world’s largest producer of cameras.
Today…
Facebook: We are the world’s largest producer of movies.

Everyone will get his or her 15 minutes of fame.
—Andy Warhol.
Everyone will get his or her own movie.
—Mark Zuckerberg.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Congressi poll musings…

Did you know Manmohan Singh has refused his monthly salary?
Ab koi free main kaam karega to aisa hi bakwaas kaam karega na?

Pappu: Change the system! Bring in outsiders!
Note: Congress is the system. Pappu is the ultimate insider.
Subliminal message: Don’t vote for me or the Congress!

Congress is making great progress.
First they were stuck in 2002 (Godhra).
Then they were caught in 2004 (Ishrat case).
Now they’ve moved on to 2005 (Aseemanand allegations).

TV bytes…
What will happen to Pappu’s 6 bills… Pappu’s 6 bills… Pappu’s 6 bills…
Sounds like a kid bawling for 6 chocolate bars.

Congress plays politics like an ODI match.
They leave heavy scoring for the slog overs.
When play is called off due to bad light/rain, they lose and cry foul.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian politics main sabka swagat hai…

Dacoit bano phir araam se Indian politician ban jao. (Phoolan Devi)

Oxford-Cambridge main pado aur ant main Pradhan Mantri raho. (Manmohan Singh)

Barso ke liye Indian citizenship refuse karo, par araam se walk in kar ke party president bano. (Sonia Gandhi)

Bachpan main chaiwallah ban ke fir PM candidate bano. (Narendra Modi)

IIT main pado, CM ke gaddi pe baitho. (Manohar Parrikar)

Activism-Anarchy ki puja karo aur politics ke saath bhi khelo. (Arvind Kejriwal)

Housewife zindagi bhar raha ke bhi straight away CM bano. (Rabri Devi)

Total filmi career ke baad State ka Big Boss ban jao. (Jayalalitha-Karunanidhi-MGR-NTR)

Sasurji CM hai to damaad bhi banega. (Chandrababu Naidu)

Ma-baap-uncle-aunty-cousin… koi bhi politician hai to tumhari entry pakki. (Too many to name)

School ke dropout ho jao, araam se Indian politician bano. (Too many to name)

Chargesheet pa ke Indian politician bano. (100+ in the Lok Sabha itself)

Zindagi bhar aish karo, kuch na karo, kuch ideas na do, permanently future PM ka title lo. (Pappu)

© Sunil Rajguru

Raj karega AAP, magar dharna se…

Gali gali main dharna hai,
AAP ko kucch nahin karna hai.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
A dharna a day keeps the governance away.
An allegation a day keeps the real questions away.
#AAP

Strange bedfellows in Delhi…
Both AAP and Congress voted together to form government.
Both AAP and BJP want government to fall.
Both BJP and Congress are disgusted with AAP.

AAP has simply redefined “Ruling Government” to mean “Opposition to the Opposition”.
So now Delhi has two Oppositions and Zero governments.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru