Latest Modi political musings…

Head of most populous nation: Xi.
Head of largest democracy: Modi.
Head of sole superpower: Obama.
Head of largest religion: Pope.
All together together in one place.
What’s cooking?

Top 5 scams of Manmohan…
1. 2G.
2. Coalgate.
3. CWG.
4. Cash for votes.
5. AugustaWestland.
Top 5 scams of Modi…
1. ‪#‎ArnabGate‬.
2. Name on suit.
3. Rs 10 lakh suit.
4. Louis Vuitton shawl.
5. Crying in front of Zuckerberg.

Level 1: Congress spokespersons fighting with anonymous trolls.
Level 2: Sambit Patra blasting absentee Pappu.
Level 3: Sushma trashing Sonia in Lok Sabha.
Level 4: Modi relaxing with his tanhai.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Raj karega Pappu musings…

Astrologer to Sonia…
Your son will be super famous and get more coverage than Nehru, Indira, Rajiv and you put together!
Reality…
Word count of Pappu jokes exceeds the media coverage of Nehru, Indira, Rajiv and Sonia put together.

The man who writes Pappu’s speeches should get the Lifetime Buffoonery Award.
(Either that or the Bharat Ratna for preventing Pappu from becoming Prime Minister)

When Pappu is made President of Congress, he’ll still remain VP.
(VP = Vacationing President)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

The doomed Left-Right debate in India…

A rabid Left-wing anchor will pack the TV panel debate with 9 rabid Left-wing panellists. The sole Right-wing panellist will be introduced as “Right-wing” thereby falsely implying that it is a debate of 1 Right-winger and 9 neutral individuals. While by rights Right-wing debate should get 50% of the time, the sole Right-winger will get far less than even the 10% he could be getting, being interrupted a 100 times. If he protests loudly and gets good support from social media, then the entire Right wing will be dismissed as rabid, loud, alarmist, violent and unreasonable. All the while the question will be asked, “Why isn’t there a single rational and intellectual voice among the Right wing?” India is a secular sovereign democratic Republic, but the so called liberal/secular/intellectual voice of India is in fact Communist, communal and virulently intolerant.

© Sunil Rajguru

Gandhi Gandhi musings…

Gandhi brand mascots…
Mahatma: Khadi industry.
Rajiv: Scam industry.
Pappu: Humour industry.

Mahatma Gandhi.
Indira Gandhi.
Rajiv Gandhi.
One-thirds of India is probably named after this Gandhi Troika.

Congress has a 20-year-plan ready…
2019: Pappu PM candidate.
2024: Pappini PM candidate.
2029: Vadra PM candidate.
2034: Pappini’s eldest kid PM candidate.

Acche din came for the Dynasty in 1919 when Motilal became Congress President.
They will celebrate Acche Din Centenary in 2019.
(Even out of power they generally enjoy life)

Sonia and Laloo in competition for Worst Politician Ever.
Among senior editors both in competition for Most Admired Politician Ever.

Deewar 2015…
Vijay: Tere paas kya hai?
Ravi: Mere paas ma hai!
Pappu: Abbe, har insaan ke paas ma hai!

Citizen: Aapne sabko pahanaya topi
Pappu: Theek hai, ab pahanaunga sabko dhoti.

Pappu of “Got the boot sarkar” blasts suit-boot ki sarkar.

Congress and allies campaigning till 2009…
Mera Bharat Mahaan.
Campaigning 2013 onwards…
Tera Modi Be-imaan.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian politicians: What they say and what they mean…

Nehru…
What he said—Capitalism will keep the poor poor.
What he meant—Pseudo-Communism will also keep the poor poor, but at least it will give me unlimited powers.

Indira…
What she said—India is under attack, I will impose Emergency.
What she meant—Indira is under attack, I will impose Emergency.

Rajiv…
What he said—I am innocent in Bofors and HDW.
What he meant—You will never ever be able to prove me guilty in Bofors and HDW.

VP Singh…
What he said—I will save India from Rajiv.
What he meant—I will save my political career from Rajiv’s wrath.

LK Advani…
What he said—India needs this Rath Yatra.
What he meant—BJP needs this Vote Yatra.

Sonia…
What she said—Food Bill and NREGA will convert poverty into prosperity.
What she meant—Food Bill and NREGA will convert poverty into votes.

Manmohan…
What he said—I did nothing.
What he meant—I did nothing and merely watched when my Ministers looted the nation.

Sibal…
What he said—I will introduce the Right To Education.
What he meant—I will introduce Reservation In Majority Community Private Schools.

Mamata…
What she said—I will rid West Bengal of Communism.
What she meant—I will rid West Bengal of Mild Communism (CPM) and replace it with Hardline Communism (Trinamool).

Kejri…
What he said—I will fight to be change the system.
What he meant—I simply am fighting to be part of the system.

Laloo + Nitish…
What they said—We are uniting all secular forces.
What they meant—We are totally bankrupt of ideas but this is the only way we can fight Modi now.

Mainstream media…
What they said—Modi is guilty, Fascist, dictator, pro-rich, snooper, failure, egomaniac, only PR, blah blah blah…
What they meant—Modi gives us no bhaav while Sonia used to take care of our many needs!

© Sunil Rajguru

Media versus Modi or Media versus citizens of India?

2012-14…
Media—Modi will never ever be PM.

May 2014…
India—Balls to you. We are making him PM.

June-September…
Media—Modi is actually all hype.

October…
Maharashtra-Haryana—Balls to you. We are still voting for him.

November…
Media—Modi still has no achievements.

December…
Jharkhand-J&K—Balls to you. We are still voting for him.

January-July 2015…
Media—Modi has done nothing. Sushma is corrupt. Vasundhara is corrupt.

August…
Madhya Pradesh-Rajasthan— Balls to you. We are still voting for him.
(And by the way Vasundhara is CM of Rajasthan and Sushma is MP from Madhya Pradesh. Also BJP wins BBMP polls in Bengaluru where it hasn’t done much.)

September…
Media—Modi has totally failed.
<Watch this space. You know what happens next!>

(Note: Only exception is the State of New Delhi which has an abnormally high percentage of politicians, journalists, activists, bureaucrats, government officials and black money crorepatis.)

© Sunil Rajguru

Indian mainstream media still totally losing it vis-à-vis Modi…

Modi implements OROP for 2.4 million ex-servicemen.
Media—Who cares? 50 people are still protesting at Jantar Mantar!

VK Singh spearheads international rescue operations.
Media—But he called us presstitutes!

Lazy arrogant Pappu refuses to do a simple thing like filling a security form.
Media—Modi is snooping!

Modi government builds a whopping 4 lakh government school toilets in a year.
Media—So bloody what?

Modi dazzles at foreign policy.
Media—Non Resident PM!

Pappu-Kejri do PR.
Media—Geniuses.
Modi does PR.
Media—Sparta!!!

Obama-Modi rock together.
Media—Rs 20 lakh suit!

Modi rocks Europe.
Media—Louis Vuitton shawl!

Indian coast guard blasts terrorists under Modi regime.
Media—Oh poor defenceless smugglers targeted in Modi regime!

2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013… Some bad things happens.
Media—Royal ignore.
2015… Same bad thing happens.
Media—Sparta!!!!

© Sunil Rajguru

For Congress #OROP = One Royalty One Party…

One Congress One Dynasty down the ages…

1947-64—ONOI = One Nehru One Indira.

Emergency—OIOS = One Indira One Sanjay.

1980-84—OIOR = One Indira One Rajiv.

1984-91—OROS = One Rajiv One Sonia.

2014-15—OSOR = One Sonia One Pappu.

When Sonia retires…
OROP = One Rahul One Pappu.
(Also can be Only Rahul Only Pappu)

If Pappu abdicates…
OROP = One Robert One Priyanka.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Indian media musings…

Indrani and Peter Mukerjea launched News X.
Right now what is going on is News Excess.
‪#‎SheenaBora‬

TV MEDIA…
Multi-panel discussions.
Everything’s breaking.
Desperate sensationalism.
Id–>Ego–>Superego.
Access journalism.

99% viewership of Indian English TV news channels…
1. Politicians.
2. Activists.
3. Journalists.
4. Middle/Upper class New Delhi.
99% of India doesn’t give a fig!

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

Colombo Test musings…

The contradiction…
Every time someone says “Test cricket is not dead”, it moves one more inch towards the grave.
Every time someone says “IPL is dead”, it moves one more inch towards revival.

Kohli probably said: I shan’t sledge.
Sharma probably heard: Ishant sledge.

Foreign Tests…
First 5 wickets—Indian bowlers keep doing high fives.
Next 5—The tail-enders keeps doing high fives.

Indian bowlers aren’t scared of the best batsmen in the world.
But tail-enders come in their nightmares.

Yesterday…
When Sachin gets out, the Indian fan puts off the TV set.
Today…
In foreign Tests when the opposition’s 5th wicket falls, the Indian fan puts off the TV set.

These versions by Sunil Rajguru

#AccheDin have already come for…

Kejri…
Saala main to CM ban gaya!

Pappu…
Main abhi bhi zero kaam kar raha hu!

Mainstream media…
Government ki ghulaami khatam! Ab hum jee bharke government ko gaali dete hai!

Laloo…
Sonia-Nitish mere aage peeche bhaag rahe hain!

Gandhi Pariwar…
Same privileges, but with zero responsibility!

Pranabda…
Main to kabse Rashtrapati Bhawan main chill kar raha hu!

Sanjay Jha…
Zero intelligence hoke bhi main kitna famous hu!

Vadra…
Nearing 500 days of Modi sarkar and still no arrest!

© Sunil Rajguru

August 2015 Status Updates

Feels like…
Rohit—Chalo last innings main 50 banaya.
Agle tour main place pukka.
Abhi wicket fekta hu.
#IndVsSL #Colombo

In foreign Tests, Indian bowlers hunt an animal that has a very small body and a very long tail.

(August 31)

How to change the name of Aurangzeb Road.
Just call the process Rajiv Gandhi Naam Badlo Yojana and proceed.

Laloo: The 1st.
Kejri: Laloo the 2nd.
Hardik: Laloo the 3rd.

1996: Laloo wants to be PM.
1999: Sonia wants to be PM.
2014: Nitish wants to be PM.
2015: Chalo milke current PM par gussa nikaalte hai.

(August 30)

The Web is lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I surf,
And miles to go before I surf…
…said no-one ever!

Media coverage of Jessica + Arushi + Sheena murders
is greater than
lakhs of other murders + farmer suicides + all rural crimes + …

(August 29)

Newton’s third law and the Congress party…
For every sonrise, there is an equal and opposite sunset.
Sonrise—Pappu. Sunset—Lok Sabha.
Sonrise— Jyotiraditya. Sunset—Madhya Pradesh.
Sonrise— Sachin Pilot. Sunset—Rajasthan.

Before polls…
BJP Busted in Mahanagara Palike.
After polls…
Bruhat Bengaluru Modiwavecontinues Palike
‪#‎BBMP‬

(August 26)

Planned…
Farewell (last Test) for Sangakkara.
Happened…
Welcome (first Test victory) for captain Kohli.

Team India composition…
1. Test all-rounder means “half-batsman + quarter bowler” or “half-bowler + quarter batsman”.
2. 5-bowling attack means 5th bowler is a mediocre fill-in-the-blanks one.

Congress—Aadhar.
BJP—Aadhar to Aadhar.
Supreme Court—No aadhar to aadhar to Aadhar!
‪#‎UIDAI‬

(August 24)

Censor board…
Smoking and drinking is not OK, so warning appears.
Killing and violence is OK as no warning appears.

(August 23)

In Maharashtra a party which got 54 seats refused to accept a 119-seat offer.
It ended up with 122.
In Bihar a party which got 115 seats has accepted a 100-seat offer.

(August 22)

You need to fight fire with fire.
Kejri—How true! I’m using corrupt Laloo to fight corruption.

(August 21)

Rank of New Delhi among States/UTs by population = 30th.
Rank of Kejri’s media importance among 31 CMs = 1st.

Mahatma Gandhi passed Nehru and his descendants passed for life.
But Modi has to clear some vague media test every 3 months.

Very soon someone is going to make a Bollywood film on all this FTII nautanki.

(August 20)

For the first time ever, 100% of the crowd was cheering for India in a UAE cricket stadium.
‪#‎ModiInDubai‬‬

(August 18)

Modi is currently trying to win over Kerala’s biggest constituency.
‪#‎UAE‬‬

(August 16)

Scams…
1950s—Lakhpatis.
1980s—Crorepatis.
1990s—Arabpatis.
2000s—Neelpatis.

(August 15)

Ultimate goal to sell…
A rich film superstar selling fairness cream.
An MP selling water purifiers.
A Bharat Ratna selling everything under the sun.

Schrodinger’s favourite food = Maggi Noodles.
Banned/unbanned, leaded/leaded, healthy/unhealthy—all at the same time!

(August 14)

A fair distribution of Bihar Assembly seats would have been…
Nitish to Laloo: Aaadhe idhar (JDU), aadhe udhar (RJD) aur baaki Congress ke saath!

Last time Congress got 4/243 seats.
At the same ratio they will get 0.66 seats this time as they are contesting 40.
‪#‎2015BiharPolls‬

After winning PM’s post, Gujarat thrice, MP, Chhattisgarh, Rajasthan, Haryana, J&K, Maharashtra… Modi’s biggest test is Bihar. If he loses, it’s a referendum and he should resign.

(August 12)

Coming soon…
India-Lanka bhai bhai Episode 8734.
#IndVsSL

Turn Delhi into Kolkata.
Communism <Check>.
Dharnas/protests <Check>.
Vigilantes <Check>.
Trams <Check>.
#Kejri

Never thought Australia would ever be reduced to a one man (Steve Smith) team.
If Smith falls then so does Australia.
#EngVsAus #Ashes

(August 8)

BROAD-based nightmare.
COOKed in one session. FINNished. WOOD-be’s now.
‪#‎EngVsAus‬ ‪#‎Ashes‬

Politician…
Stage 1—Do street agitation.
Stage 2—Get top party post.
Stage 3—Gain power.
Sonia…
Stage 1—Gain power.
Stage 2—Get top party post.
Stage 3—Do street agitation.

Hum to doobenge hi doobenge, par saath main tumhe bhi le jaayenge sanam.
—Congress to BJP.

Pakistan has Schrodinger’s Children.
They can be kids and adults at the same time.
‪#‎Naved‬ ‪#‎Afridi‬

(August 6)

It’s called Aadhar because it requires loads of aadhar from the Indian government just to stay afloat.
‪#‎UIDAI‬

(August 3)

Nobody saw Osama and Mullah Omar die.
Nobody saw Dawood in Pakistan.
Nobody saw Yakub’s role in 1993 blasts.

There aren’t two but in fact three types of Taliban…
1. Bad Taliban.
2. Worse Taliban.
3. Worst Taliban.

(August 1)

These versions by Sunil Rajguru